I am a Zero: Pt. 01

"Hey Katie," Kent said.

"Yeah?" I turned back to him.

"Um, I can pay you extra if you want to stay and help clean up. Not sure how much, but.." he laughed, "You could help me divide out something extra from the cash. It could be fun! Otherwise I am here by myself."

I looked at him for a moment. I could tell he really wanted me to stay. But I didn't. I wanted to see what Jeff was up to. "Sorry Kent, I need to get home," I said.

He nodded and kept a smile, but his eyes seemed sad. "Understood," he said. "Be safe getting home."

"I will," I replied.

I was home twenty minutes later with a pocket full of cash from the night. It had been a good night. I was saving my money for the week with my brothers. I wanted to surprise them with some good drinks and I needed alcohol. Alice, our lead bartender, was teaching me to make drinks and I was excited to show off for my brothers. But all that alcohol was going to be expensive and I didn't want to ask David or John to buy anything extra.

I got home and found Jeff on the couch all ready for bed. He was on his computer and he just looked up at me for a second when I came in. "Hey lady," he said. "You got home late tonight. I was starting to worry."

I smiled. "No need, I was just helping with the tips."

"Well I wasn't really worried," Jeff said, winking at me then looking back at his screen. "I am still in my pajamas."

I kept smiling. I walked past him and went into my room to put my money away. I rinsed my face and washed up then changed into a t-shirt and some shorts. "Are you gonna be up for a bit?" I asked as I walked back into the living room.

"No," he said quickly. "I was just about to head to bed."

"Ok," I said. I walked over to him and gave him a hug. Well it was more of a side hug. "I won't keep you up." I went back to my room, closed the door and opened up my tablet and started to read a book. I read for about 20 minutes before my mind drifted. I closed my book. I was horny. I clicked on my browser and did a quick porn search. I clicked on the first link and glanced at the pictures and video options. It didn't do anything for me. I scrolled through more images and video. Pictures of dicks, vaginas, cum, anal sex, vaginal sex, double penetration, lesbian, gay, group sex...I clicked on images and videos. I was aroused but none of it kept my interest. Why?

I enjoyed the pictures of dicks and some of the sex was very erotic. I clicked on a "cumpilation" link and watched the 5 minute video of men having orgasms all over women. I enjoyed that. I rubbed myself and watched another one. This led me to another link for bukkake and I watched the video with some interest and arousal. I found that the videos were all from the male point of view. I wondered what it was like from the woman's perspective. What was she seeing? What would it look like for her to be surrounded by naked men wanting to degrade her? I fixated on that word, "degrade" in my mind. I looked up the term "degrade" and found some interesting definitions:

Degrade: to treat or regard someone with contempt or disrespect. Degraded

Degraded: to reduce a person far below civilized standards.

I thought about that for a few minutes and watched another video. The issue I found with the concept of degrading as it assumed an inherent or agreed upon value of a person. But what if that value was over assessed? Aren't some people inherently more valuable than others? I frowned at that thought. That wasn't necessarily true. The issue wasn't in the assessment, but it was something else.

I watched another video. A woman was on a table, laying over and her body was bound in black tape or some kind of plastic.. Just her head and her ass was exposed. She looked forward and a man that had no face started to fuck her mouth. I kept watching. I liked the sound. I was wet. I started to rub my clit. Finishing with her mouth, the man went behind her and started to fuck her from behind. She wasn't able to move due to the tape. I kept watching. The man finished by cumming all over her face. She had a kind of crazed look in her eye.

I saw what the man saw. But what did she see? I paused the video and looked at the woman. I knew that some may say that at that moment she was being degraded. Humiliated. I thought about that. I am not sure if that is how I saw it.

I looked up at the door to my room. I could see underneath the door that Jeff was watching something. I put my tablet away. My heart was pounding. I was horny. I was curious.

I got up and opened my door quietly. Jeff was on the couch, his headphones were on. I took a few steps into the hallway. He was watching porn again. I took another step. As quietly as I could. I couldn't really tell what video he was watching. But I didn't care. I didn't want to see that. Not really. I could tell he was masturbating again. Slowly. I could see the motion of his arm just barely. That is what I wanted to see. I wanted to see him. I wanted to see...it.

I carefully stepped closer. I was wet. I could see his arm moving, but my angle was still bad. I wasn't sure what to do. I wanted to see it.

I took a deep breath and decided to take a different course. His headphones were on. He couldn't hear me. I carefully made my way back and then walked slowly to the kitchen. I could see his profile now and I hid behind the counter. My heart was pounding. I carefully pressed against the side of the counter and then poked my head around the corner. I could see him. I could see it. My brother was stroking his dick slowly. All the way up and all the way down like he wanted to make things last. It was wasn't vigorous or urgent. Just slow and steady. I watched him watch the porn and jerk off. I slid my hand down my panties. I was wet. I didn't know why. I knew this was weird, it was my brother. Of course I knew that. But I liked seeing him like this. His dick was very hard. Smaller than the porn, but it suited him.

I kept watching him. He stopped for a minute and one of his hands was on his computer. He looked up and I darted my head away. My heart was pounding. I wondered if he saw me. I doubted it. His eyes would have been impacted from staring at the screen. The kitchen was too dark. I heard him clicking on the computer and shifting on the couch. I crawled to the otherside of the counter and peaked around. I could see more of his face but his hand was blocked by the computer. I didn't know why, but I wanted to see his dick. I wanted to see it when he came.

I crawled back to where I was and waited. The clicking stopped and I waited. I counted to fifteen. That felt like a good number. That was enough time. After counting I peaked around the corner again and saw that he was masturbating faster. His dick was bigger, it looked more swollen. I wondered what he was watching. I thought about the girl on the table being fucked by the faceless man. I wondered if it was that. I had no reason to believe it was. But I still wondered.

I kept watching his hand. It was moving faster. Faster still. He moved his other hand to the table and took up his sock. He slid the sock onto his dick and kept stroking. I watched and suddenly I knew he was cumming. He was bucking his hips and I heard him groan. All I saw was the sock so I looked at his face. I saw him grimace in pleasure or pain or both. I didn't know. But he kept staring into the screen. Then I saw it. For a moment. I thought I did. In his eyes. It was a longing. A loneliness. I knew that look. I understood that look. I saw it in the mirror every day.

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Jeff watched porn every night that week. Always around the same time: a bit after midnight. I wasn't sure what kind of porn he watched, I wasn't interested in that. I liked to watch him. He had a bit of a routine. I often missed the beginning since I was sneaking and waiting. But I figured he had to settle in somehow, like choosing the right video and getting comfortable. Then he would watch three or four videos and in that time he would get increasingly excited. He stroked very fast and he never used lotion. I thought guys used lotion. Maybe not all guys. Jeff wasn't all guys. But he always stared into the screen with that face when he came. I couldn't describe all the emotions I saw other than the ones I recognized: pleasure and loneliness. But there were others.

On the fifth night I leaned against the counter as I sat on the floor. Jeff had already cum in his sock and was now, likely asleep. His computer was off. I waited. I sat. I wasn't sure why but I wasn't ready to go to bed. It was late. I was tired. But I wasn't. I didn't want Jeff to be alone. I didn't want to be alone. But I also knew he had no idea I was watching him. I knew he wouldn't react well if he knew I watched him. I peaked my head around the corner and saw he was asleep. I realized I had been sitting for much longer than I thought.

I crawled out from behind the counter and paused, waiting on my hands and knees. I breathed slowly and I waited. I could hear his steady breath. I crawled a bit closer then waited. I didn't know what I was doing. I crawled to the couch and waited. My body was on fire. I was so wet from nerves and waiting and watching. I peaked up over the couch and saw my brother asleep. I knew what I wanted. But I was scared. What if he caught me? This was my brother. This could be bad.

I stood up slowly and walked behind the couch. Jeff was holding the blanket in one hand but it was mostly resting between his legs. I could see most of his bare thigh. It didn't look like he was holding the blanket all that tight. I reached for it. Slowly. Slowly. I pulled on the edge and it slide from his hand. His legs and boxers were exposed. Then my eye caught something. I closed my eyes for a minute and then opened again and I saw it. The tip of his dick was poking through the hole in his boxers. I looked at it. I looked at my brother and then I looked at his dick again. My body shook. I was so nervous. I lifted my phone and took a picture of it. Then one more. He moved and I started walking down the hall quietly and quickly.

I closed the door. I got in bed and pulled the covers around me and waited. I didn't hear anything. I didn't think he was awake. I held my phone up and looked at the pictures. I zoomed in on his dick. It was hard to see and the picture wasn't great but I could see it. I touched the screen. I wondered what it looked like up close. I wondered what he looked like with an erect cock. What did his face look like? What did he want? I didn't know. But I kept looking at it. I realized what I had. It hit me all at once. As I looked at his cock I realized that I was seeing it from my perspective. This is the view a woman had in a porno if that is what this was. This was my perspective. I fingered myself and looked at the picture.

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My perspective

I took more pictures the next night. This time of him masturbating. I took a video. It was 10 seconds long, which was as long as I could stand to watch before I felt like he would see me. I saved the pictures and video to my tablet.

The next morning I had the day off. In a few days we were all supposed to go to the house. I was excited. But I was a little sad at the same time. I had found something in the night. I looked forward to watching Jeff masturbate. Two nights prior we had stayed up watching a movie. Jeff liked the actress. I could tell. He talked about her. After I went to bed I snuck back out and found him masturbating to the movie. I liked that. I liked to know what he liked.

John called me and wanted to go get some coffee. I was super excited. Jeff was at the library applying for jobs and I met John at a coffee shop. I walked in and saw him sitting in the corner looking at his phone. He was always a comfort to me. I never felt like I fit in. But I always fit in with John. I walked over to him.

"John!" I said in a funny voice. That was our joke. I didn't have many jokes with people.

"Kate-kate!" He said. I lit up. I liked the nicknames my brothers had for me.

"What's up?" I said and sat down.

"Are you gonna get coffee?" John asked. "My treat!"

I smiled and nodded. We got up and got in line. "How are you?" I asked.

"I am fine," he was lying. "How are you?"

"I am great!!" I said and hugged him again. I pressed against him and he hugged me.

I ordered my coffee and waited for him and then, after we got our drinks we sat back down.

"So," I started. "Why did you call me?"

"Dude, I just wanted to see you," he said. He looked sad in his eyes but he smiled.

"That is sweet, but I can tell something is wrong. What's up?" I sipped my coffee.

He sighed. "Nothing gets past you," he said.

"Nope," I replied simply. "So let's hear it."

He sighed again and rubbed his eyes. "Honestly I just had to get away from Chelsea," he said. "I feel shitty saying that."

I said nothing and sipped my coffee. It was too sweet. I looked at the guy that had made my coffee. He was looking at me. I was wearing a tank top, my bra strap was showing and my skirt was just above my knee. I wasn't the picture of sexy right now. But he was looking at me. I looked back at John. "It's ok," I said. "I know you love her, its ok to vent though. I won't think badly about her."

John nodded. "She is just a bit suffocating sometimes," he said. "Like she was really pissed when she found out I was going to see you."

"Why? And what do you mean 'found out'?" I replied.

"I think she gets jealous," John said. "And I didn't tell her I was coming out here to see you. She saw my phone."

I frowned. "That's silly," I said.

"Which?" He asked.

"Both," I replied. "I don't understand her being jealous, you are my brother. Also you should tell her what you are doing. It might help with the jealousy thing."

He laughed. "Things are so simple for you," he said.

Some things were and some things weren't. I didn't answer.

"I just need some space sometimes that's all," he said. "I don't think it's a big deal. Just adjusting to being married."

I nodded. John was an optimist. But he was also quite the self deceiver. Sometimes I wondered if those could be the same thing. I needed to think about that.

"To be honest," he said with a smile and he reached over and touched my arm. "I don't really want to talk about it. So let's talk about something else. How is the restaurant business?"

I smiled, "It's good. I think they want me to be a manager. But I don't think I am management material," I said. "I am not very good with people and it seems like managing is more about people."

John laughed, "Most managers don't know that. You might be more suited for it than you think."

I shrugged.

"Is Jeff driving you crazy yet?"

I shook my head. "No, I actually like having him around."

"I envy you guys sometimes," he said. "Just kind of hang out and do whatever you want."

"Well next week we can all hang out and do whatever," I said with a smile.

John's face lit up. I liked that.

"I think Jeff is lonely," I said and took another sip of my coffee.

"Oh yeah? I don't think Jeff gets lonely. He isn't really wired that way. He is more like you," John said.

"I get lonely," I said evenly.

John frowned thoughtfully.

"But he stays up late on his computer," I said. I didn't want to share any more. That didn't feel right.

"Probably looking at porn," John said with a laugh.

I didn't laugh. "Actually yeah he does," I said.

John's eyes went wide. "Wait what? You know for a fact?"

"Yes," I said. "I don't lie. You know that." I wasn't sure what to say. But John kept looking at me. I didn't feel like this was a normal conversation, but John was, well, John. I could tell him anything.

"Yeah I have seen him looking at it," I said.

John nodded. "I mean your place is pretty small. Did you catch him and he freaked out? Oh no is there going to be all this drama now next week? Dammit Katie!"

"No!" I said and I laughed. "He doesn't know I know ok?"

John laughed. "What? So you spy on him?"

I nodded. "A few times," I said.

John laughed. "No way Kate-Kate!"

I smiled. "So I can ask you anything right?"

He nodded. "Of course."

"I know, I mean, I have seen him masturbate to it. I know it is normal, or I mean I think it is. But he does it a lot. Do you think that means he's lonely?"

John looked at me. He had these moments when he could see that my mind was just different. I think most people either knew the answer to this question or didn't ask it. I was not most people. "Um," he paused.

I looked at him expectantly.

"I think he is depressed," he said plainly. "He lost his job and it was shitty how it went down. He was pretty excited about working there and then to be laid off and in the way they did it. It was harsh. He wears a good face, but, Katie, he is depressed. Guy's use porn and stuff sometimes, oftentimes as an escape."

I nodded. That felt right.

"But I will tell you this," John said. "Jerking off to porn can make a guy feel pretty lonely too. It's that moment when you realize it is all just a fantasy in your head and a screen."

"It isn't real," I said.

"Nope," John shook his head. "That is one reason it doesn't do anything for me. Or not that much."

"Me either," I said.

He raised his eyebrow but didn't say anything.

"I don't want Jeff to be depressed," I said. "Maybe you can come over tonight and we can all hang out."

John frowned, "I wish I could, but no way will Chelsea let me out of the house tonight knowing that I will be gone all week next week."

I nodded.

He touched my arm again. "Look," John said. "Jeff will be ok. He is just going through a rough patch and it is pretty amazing what you are doing for him right now. There is a lot of value in just having your sister to hang out with each night. You are pretty great Kate-Kate."

I smiled. The word value sat in my mind. It was like this pin down the middle of my mind and words swirled around it.

"Well I am super excited about next week," I said. "When we can all be together."

John smiled, "Me too."

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That evening I made dinner for Jeff. While I cooked I thought about what John had said about Jeff being depressed and my mind drifted back to his comment on there being "a lot of value in just having a sister." I smiled at the comment and thought about value. I realized that no one had ever told me that I had value before. How does one have value? I thought about my dad always saying that we need to be "adding value." I didn't think they were the same thing.

I opened the drawer to look for a knife when I saw a roll of black electrical tape. My dad had brought it when I was moving in to fix something. A light or a wire or something. He always did that. I picked up the tape. It looked like the tape that the girl was covered with while the faceless man fucked her. I had watched that video a lot. I liked it. I wasn't sure why. Value. I looked at the tape. It would have been a lot of rolls of tape to cover her body.

"Degraded," I said the word out loud as it popped into my head. Degraded assumed her value was high and as she was taped up, fucked repeatedly and then covered in cum, that process degraded her below her value. I didn't agree. Of course it was porn and that was the problem. John was right. It wasn't real. So analyzing it was not so simple because it was a staged farce. But like all movies there was some kind of lesson in it if one was so inclined to look for it.

What if her value was misunderstood? I thought. It isn't that one person is more valuable than another but instead some people think their value is one thing and it takes something for them to see their real value. Perhaps being degraded was not treating someone below their value but instead it was stripping away their perceived value and then revealing their true value? I thought about the look on the woman's face after she was covered in cum. I knew the whole thing was staged but that look wasn't. She was just reacting. It was like she had an epiphany or some sort of new idea. Perhaps she had discovered her true value at that moment. Maybe. But what was it?