I am a Zero: Pt. 01

"Hey Kates!" Jeff said as he walked in the front door carrying his computer bag. "That smells amazing!"

"It's pasta with homemade pesto and garlic chicken," I said. "Basil is supposed to help lift moods."

Jeff smiled. "Well, consider my mood lifted. I am hungry!"

We sat down and had dinner. Jeff gave me a sort of play by play on the jobs he looked at and emails he had replied to. It sounded like there were a couple of good options and he seemed like he was feeling positive. That made me happy. We ate and talked, the dinner turned out to be really good. One of those dinners that didn't make you feel too full--just satisfied.

I cleaned up the dishes and cleared the table while Jeff settled on the couch. He wanted me to watch this new movie he thought I would like and so he got it set up and then waited for me to finish up. I went into my room and put on my pajamas for the night: A white cotton tank top, bra and some short pink shorts. I wasn't too self conscious around Jeff as he had seen me in whatever I normally slept in.

We settled in and watched the movie. Around halfway through Jeff got himself some wine and then decided to pour me some. I didn't normally drink, I was underage, but I liked wine with family and neither my parents nor my brothers ever minded when I had some.

The movie was some kind of romantic drama. I am not sure why Jeff thought I would like it. Maybe because I am a girl. Not sure. Not usually my thing. I got tired and put my head on his shoulder as we watched and he put his arm around my shoulders. This type of closeness was more common with John than Jeff, but we had our moments of simple cuddling. It was nice to be held some times, especially with my brothers where I felt the most like I belonged. I found myself spacing out during the movie. I knew some of it was the alcohol and some of it was something else. I realized that this was the first time that I had cuddled with Jeff since I had watched him masturbate. In a strange way, I supposed I felt much closer to him now. More affectionate. I was tired and I closed my eyes and eventually I fell asleep.

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"Hey Kates," Jeff said, shaking me gently. "You should go to bed."

I opened my eyes. I looked at him and found my head was on his chest. I got up. "Sorry Jeff," I said. "I must have been more tired than I thought."

"No worries," he said.

I got up and stretched, arching my back and pushing my chest forward. I noticed that Jeff eyed me but tried not to look. My bra strap was down over my shoulder. I tugged it up and looked at my brother. He looked a little red in the face.

"Good night Jeffy," I said and I gave him a hug.

He held me for a moment. I felt his finger tips on the exposed skin of my shoulders.

I lingered.

He let go.

I walked down the hall and went into my room. I brushed my teeth in my bathroom and realized that was a mistake. It had woken me up a bit. I looked at the clock and saw it was 12:31 am. I sat on the bed and picked up my table. I wasn't in the mood to read or watch anything. I thought about my brother.

I poked my head out into the hallway and sure enough, he was watching porn. My head felt a little funny. I think I was still a little drunk from the wine. I walked into the hallway as quietly as I could. I got to the edge and crouched down and started to crawl to the kitchen. The same path I always took. I got to the counter and hid behind it. I slowly pressed against the counter and lifted my head up. My hand hit something. It was the wine bottle. It fell next to me and hit the kitchen floor, thankfully not breaking. I stood up in shock.

"Holy shit!" Jeff said suddenly.

I turned and looked at him. His dick was in his hand and his head phones were half off.

"It's ok," I said looking at him, my eyes darting to his dick and then his screen and then his face. "It's just me and the wine didn't spill."

Jeff closed his laptop and put his dick away as fast as he could. "Katie, what the hell?!"

I picked up the wine and set it on the counter. "I'm sorry," I said. I wanted to lie. I felt like I should. But I didn't. "I didn't want to bother you. I know what you were doing."

Jeff looked horrified.

"It's ok Jeffy," I said to him. "I know you do it every night. I have known for a while."

"No I don't! I don't know what you are talking about," Jeff said. His voice went up an octave.

"It's ok Jeff," I said. I walked toward him slowly and then sat on the couch next to him. "It's just me. It's no big deal."

He opened his mouth to say something but didn't.

I looked at him for a moment. My heart was pounding. I knew something was wrong and I knew that he was mad. But I didn't want him to be and I didn't really know why. I know I am different. I wished that I was better with people. Especially my brothers. "I'm sorry, Jeff," I said. "I snuck in here to watch you."

"What the fuck?!" Jeff said. He slid away from me. "Why? To tell your friends about your loser, unemployed brother?"

I frowned at him. "Jeff, I don't have any friends but you and John really. Maybe David, but I don't always know with him. I don't think you are a loser."

Jeff's demeanor softened. This always happened with him, same with John, when they realized that I was different than other people. It was like they had to remember again. "Katie," he said. "This is super embarrassing. I..." his voice trailed off.

I touched his arm gently. "Jeff," I said as gently and earnestly as I could. "You don't ever need to be embarrassed with me. You are my brother. Really, it's all ok."

Jeff looked at me. I could tell he was thinking about something but I didn't know what.

"Are you lonely?" I asked. I slid closer to him. I put my other hand on his arm.

He didn't say anything. He looked down.

"That makes me sad," I said.

He didn't say anything but he looked back at me.

"Can I sit here with you while you masturbate?" I asked. It was a question I had mulled over and now seemed like as good a time as any.

He was still quiet. He was wide eyed.

"I don't want you to be lonely. I like to watch you masturbate," I said. "But you don't have to be alone when you do it."

He shook his head. "Katie," he said. "I know you don't understand things the same way as other people. But what you just asked is completely fucked up. Completely."

I frowned at him. "Why? Because you are my brother?"

"Yes! For starters!" Jeff said. But he didn't pull his arm away from me. "Kates, I think you should go to bed."

"No," I replied. "I want to sit here with you. I don't want you to feel lonely."

"Kates, you don't need to sit here with me. This whole thing is fucking embarrassing and messed up beyond...anything. I can't even believe we have been talking about this for as long as we have," he said looking away.

I squeezed his arm. "Jeff, please," I said. I meant it. "I want to sit with you. I have been watching some porn too lately. Maybe we can watch it together."

Jeff made another look at me like he was going to yell. But he didn't.

I reached forward and flipped his laptop back open again. The video he was watching was up and titled, "College Girl Deepthroats Cock."

"Let's watch this one," I said. I slid back on the couch. I pushed play and the video started where it left off. I could barely hear the sound from the cans on his headphones. "Can you turn off your headphones? I want to hear it," I said.

Jeff just looked at me like I was a crazy person or like I was stupid. Maybe I was. I knew I wasn't but I also knew that I was different and maybe in this situation I was dumb.

"Do you think she is cute?" I asked pointing to the video.

Jeff laughed. "This is so fucked up. Katie, this is so weird."

"Only if you decide it is," I said. "I don't feel weird about it." I slid my hand down to my crotch and opened my legs. I was horny. I felt like I was always horny now.

Jeff leaned back and unplugged his headphones and the volume from the video filled the room. Mostly slurping sounds and the guy saying things like, "Oh yeah. Suck it baby."

I kept rubbing my crotch.

Jeff looked at me and then the video.

We watched it together in silence. I rubbed my crotch and Jeff just watched nervously. The couple on the video changed positions several times. I could tell the whole thing was fake and staged. Someone was giving them directions off camera.

"That's right," the man on the video said. "Like that. Just like that. I am gonna cum. Swallow it. That's all you are good for!" Then he came.

The last phrase stuck in my mind and made me tingle. That's all you are good for. I thought about that. I know the whole scene was staged but there was some truth to that line. It went back to value. I wondered what her value really was. Was it just for swallowing his cum? It was a clear purpose and the idea of such a clear purpose made me very horny.

"Let's watch another one," I said.

Jeff nodded and started another video. Half way through the sex scene, Jeff had his dick out and he was masturbating next to me. I had never felt so close to my brother.