I Choose to Live

Dear Diary

Someone tried to hack into my laptop today. Whatever they used, it's very sophisticated in the way it sneaked its way in. It bypassed my firewall and the conventional anti-virus measures I had in place and was busy disabling them before I discovered it. It even bypassed some of the specialised tools I have set up. Just as well I work in computer security.

Anyway, I'm looking at it now. It seems to work in two stages. The first part is fairly small and mostly works to cripple any defences and then download a much bigger set of files. I've looked at the second set of downloads; sublim.exe and sublim.cfg. The executable is big, nearly 120MB in size. I've looked at the config file but it's encrypted. Anyway, I managed to stop the first part before it could install the program. I wonder what it is? I'll have to find out.

In the meantime, things are slowly going downhill with Jason and me. He's tried to be patient and understanding but I think his patience is running out. I don't know what to do. Just the thought of doing it makes me lock up and shut down. It brings back too many memories. He can't understand what it's like and I can't tell him.

God, just writing this is making me shudder inside with revulsion. Got to stop. Night.

Dear Diary

I contacted some of the police officers I know involved in tracking down cyber crime. They said I was very lucky to stop Sublim. It's very new and they know little about it. What they do know is scary.

Apparently it's designed to project a set of subtle subliminal messages and images on the screen. Stuff that the viewer will barely notice. The reason it's so big is it contains a lot of facial recognition software. It watches the viewer through the laptop's web cam. Things like pupil dilation, micro muscle movements, pulse rate in the neck, blood flow to capillaries and so forth. It uses this information to refine the messages it projects to maximum affect. It's this adaptive facility that makes Sublim so effective in getting the message through. Those messages are controlled by whoever installed Sublim via a net connection Sublim maintains. The controller can see you via the web cam and can upload any messages and images he or she likes.

The police have been trying to cope with a slowly growing international ring who have been using Sublim to turn women into their sex slaves. Women who will do anything to please their cyber Masters. The thought of that makes my blood run so cold. I just want to curl up into a ball crying, thinking that someone may have done it to me again like daddy.

Time for bed. I hope Jason is asleep.

Dear Diary

Margaret and I went out for lunch again. Why on earth to I do that? I know we work together but we don't have to do lunch. While we were eating she regaled me about a threesome thingy she and her husband had with another woman. How much fun it was to see her husband making love to the other woman. Then she told me how she and the woman kissed, sharing her husbands, um, fluids. God that is gross.

Last time we had lunch she told me about her gang bang. It's really disturbing. She tells me these things and a part of me, a very old part of me, cringes, remembering what daddy did to me as a child. Another part seems almost envious of her freedom. That she can do these things if she wants while the thought of me doing them makes me want to hide in a deep dark hole. I'm like a moth drawn to the flame. It burns but I can't help it.

A thought has come to my mind. I wonder? Need to sleep on it.

Dear Diary

I've been thinking about Sublim. I loathe the thought that some pervert tried to use it on me but I'm wondering if I can use it on myself. Maybe make myself as free as Margaret. I can't at the moment. I'd need the controller program to do that and I've only got the client side of it. I'll see if I can track it down through my security contacts.

I keep thinking back to daddy. He left mommy when I was thirteen. I guess when I reached puberty I was no longer attractive to him. Up until then I'd wait in dread for him to come to my room late at night. Telling me to keep everything secret. That it was my fault and if I told anyone I'd get into a lot of trouble. He said people would say I was making up wicked stories and throw me into jail and take my parents away. The lies he told me were horrible but they stuck, deep down and I can't shake them or the pain. I keep wondering though, did mommy know?

Dear Diary

Success! I had to call quite a few contacts but I've finally got my hands on the Sublim controller. Given the sophistication of Sublim it's almost ridiculously easy to use.

You set up a project, one for each person you are trying to control. After that there's only a small number of things you can do. There's an input area where you can add text, a button for selecting images and another for selecting sounds. I didn't even realise that Sublim could play sounds. Apparently it waits till the person is playing a video or music and then subtly integrates the sound.

The only other thing is a viewing section for the webcam. Obviously I won't need that but I'm left wondering what I'll do. According to my sources, it can take about a month for Sublim to gain complete control of a person and turn them into a slave. I clearly don't want to go that far but what messages do I want it to project into me? Questions, questions.

I'll start off slow. Open me up, lower inhibitions a bit. See where it goes from there.

Dear Diary

My contacts have told me they found the guy who tried implanting Sublim. Apparently he lives in a nearby apartment block. He's been arrested and when they went through his hard drive discovered he'd planted Sublim on a number of women in the neighbourhood and some of his work colleagues. They've been contacted and are being counselled. I'm told he'll be charged with multiple counts of rape as well as a variety of cyber crimes. He's looking at a very long stretch in jail. Good! I hope he dies there.

It's been a little over a week since I started using Sublim on myself. I think it's starting to have some impact. I got into bed last night and Jason was hard. Thing is, I didn't feel myself freaking out at the sight of it. It kinda looked nice and I almost felt glad I could turn him on. We did the act and it was ok I suppose. That's more than I've ever been able to say before. Think I might increase the level of the suggestions. Drop my inhibitions even more, make me want to enjoy doing it, etc. I wonder how far this will go?

Dear Diary

Not much to say except for one amazing thing. Jason and I had sex last night and I came. I actually came. I can't begin to tell you how much progress that means. I've never had an orgasm in my life and this time I came. Better yet, it wasn't from my hand but from another.

I must admit, as much as cuming was a surprise to me - actually, knock me down with a feather shock - it was very nice. I think I could handle having that happen every so often.

Sublim is definitely working. I'm feeling much freer and more relaxed inside myself. Think I'll up the ante on the suggestions.

Dear Diary

Sublim keeps getting better and better. I actually initiated sex with Jason for the first time in my life. I've never wanted to have sex with anyone in my life but I found I actually desired it. Jason certainly appreciated the effort and it felt so nice having him inside of me. I'm really beginning to enjoy having orgasms.

He's still being patient with me though. He hasn't asked for anything else, like blow jobs or other stuff and I'm very thankful for that. I wish I could do more for him but the thought of doing anything else is still way too much for me, even though I know he'd like that.

Given how well Sublim has worked so far, I wonder if I should reinforce it in that direction. To make me desire greater sexual variety. I don't want to take things too far but I think I'll get Sublim to open me up a bit more to different positions.

Dear Diary

Been a while. Woke Jason up with a blow job this morning. The feel of his stiffening cock in my mouth was wonderful. I was so tempted to have him cum in my mouth - after all, his cum is so delicious - but I also wanted him inside of me. As soon as he was awake, both upstairs and downstairs, I got on top of him and rode him hard till we both exploded. Well, he exploded. I just kept going boom, boom, boom till he went off. Multiple orgasms are the best thing.

God, what a way to start the morning! Jason loves it as well. I think it's official. I'm now a cum slut and loving it. I've told Jason my cunt and mouth are available to him 24/7. Fortunately he's been taking me up on that a lot. We were going downhill before but now we've reversed direction. Sublim is the best thing ever. I could almost kiss the creep who tried to foist it on me.

Speaking of being a slut, I must talk with Margaret. See if we can have her and her husband over for dinner and a foursome. I'm sure Jason would love that a lot. After all, Margaret is a lusty lady and I'm sure Jason would love getting his rocks off fucking her. I could have fun screwing her husband. I know Jason would love a threesome and I'd love him to have them but I keep wondering what it would be like to be gang banged. God that makes me squirm thinking about it.

I've decided there's another matter that has to be dealt with. Did mother know what father did to me for all those years? That uncertainty has been a barrier between us and I want it pulled down. I don't care if she knew or not, I just want everything out in the open between us.

As for you father, I hope you rot in hell. You were a straight jacket on my life for so many years but no more. Where ever you are father, I have a simple message for you.

"Fuck you, I choose to live!"