I Don't Do April Fools

"You're kidding!" gushed Honey. She knew his apartment was not his primary home, but she didn't expect this. He pulled into the basement garage and gathered Honey's bags, then led her up a staircase to the main floor. The main room was an open concept with an enormous kitchen on her left, a gigantic fireplace on her right and straight ahead a wall made of glass doors that open out on to a wooden patio with a large hot tub. The furnishings were pure Colorado, the chairs and couch were made of logs and the cushions were covered with western inspired patterns and colors. Above the fireplace an Elk's head was mounted and several upland game birds were mounted as well. Pheasants and grouse were represented, but Honey didn't recognize the other birds. On the floor was a faux mountain lion pelt rug, and several sheep pelts were available to cuddle under.

Arnold took her coat and hung it up in the bedroom closet, then came back out into the living room. He turned a knob by the fireplace and the natural gas starter burst into flame and started setting fire to the wood that was stacked on the andiron. Then he came to Honey and took her in his arms and kissed her passionately, a sweet, hard kiss that left her head spinning. "Mmmm, I love you," she purred.

"I love you too, but there's a problem."

"What's that?" she asked.

"You're overdressed. He slowly ran the zipper down the back of her dress and with a shrug of her shoulders it pooled at her ankles and Honey stood naked in front of Arnold smiling up at him. "Bloody hell, if I knew you were starkers under your dress I wouldn't have wasted time stopping for dinner."

"If I knew you were that needy I would have crawled under the table and given you a blowjob during dessert."

"And I would have let you," said Arnold. He turned to the bar before she could start undressing him and he asked, "What would you like to drink?"

"White wine, please."

Arnold smiled as he prepared her drink and Honey started feeling self-conscious as she stood naked with her dress around her ankles. For his part, Arnold basked in the view of her body. She had beautiful round breasts with dark pink nipples and small areola. Her tummy was flat, and her hips round, a perfect yet slim little hour-glass figure, and she trimmed her bush clean. Arnold drank in the sight of her from behind the bar. He finally came up to her and handed her the wine. "There's no roofies in here are there?" she asked.

"Heavens no. That's so 1998. Besides, you're already naked. Come on, I'll show you around." He picked up her dress and draped it over his arm and led her toward the front door and said, "my little cabin was built by a young businessman who made a huge profit selling his company like I did. He loved having guests up for ski weekends." Arnold showed her a room with three sets of bunk beds and six small dressers.

"Cool," said Honey.

"My bosses grandchildren love this room, they never got to sleep together like that."

"Cousins? Cousins tend to have a lot of fun as kids."

"Here's two guest bedrooms," said Arnold as he showed off a pair of bedrooms that were larger than Honey's living room. Each one had a gas fireplace. Next was an enormous bathroom with a shower that would easily fit four. A brass plaque on the glass door gave instructions on operating the steam shower.

"Your shower is a steam bath?"

"It feels great after a day of skiing."

"I didn't bring my ski clothes, or my boots, or my snowboard."

"Then I suppose we'll go shopping tomorrow," he said as he led her to the master bedroom. The master bedroom was a combination bedroom, reading room, library, and sunroom. It shared the big fireplace in the living room and it had two enormous walk-in closets. "Be honest with me," said Arnold as he hung her dress in the closet. "How does it feel walking around naked while I am dressed?"

"It's... it's really sexy. I'm constantly wondering what you're going to do next."

"Like what? What is going through that delightful mind of yours."

"Like a spanking," she said as her blue eyes locked on to his gray eyes.

"Would that be a turn on?" he asked.

"Yes... I mean maybe."

"How about serving drinks naked to a room full of strangers that you will never see again, knowing that they can't touch you, but if you do a good job, I will reward you in the sexiest way possible..." his words drifted off as their lips met.

Just the thought of serving drinks completely naked and anonymous was a huge turn-on to Honey. How did he know? She's had many a night of Jilling-off thinking of doing similar things. "Think of it, this room full of powerful men and women, and you're only wearing a tiny apron. Conversations stop when you walk by..." They kissed again and when their lips parted, his fingers brushed her nipples, and a jolt ran through her body. Arnold smiled, and he undressed, starting with his tie that he draped over Honey's shoulders. "Jacuzzi?" he asked, and she nodded. Her mouth and throat were too dry to form words.

Soon he was hanging his trousers in the closet and was only wearing boxer shorts. He stripped those off and turned to put them in the hamper, and Honey hugged him from behind. She reached around and began stroking his long, thick cock while she kissed his shoulder blades. "My! We are eager, aren't we?" Arnold enjoyed the reach around handjob for a few moments. The feeling of her breasts pressing against him from behind was delightful. Finally, he said, "Come on," and he led her back into the living room. He hit a couple of switches and grabbed a remote control, and they stepped out onto the deck.

Café lights hung over the hot tub and changed color gently as he flipped the lid of the hot tub open. He hit another button on the remote and a fire in a fireplace next to the jacuzzi burst into flame and soft jazz music filled the air. The snow fell gently, but Honey didn't notice it. Arnold had her excited to a fever pitch, and she was in awe of everything she's seen tonight. The Maserati, dinner at an exclusive restaurant, then this mountain retreat... it's all too much. Is this the same man who has the simple one-bedroom apartment in her complex?

He led her by the hand, and she climbed the steps to the decking around the lip of the hot tub before easing into the tub. The jacuzzi had a narrow deck on the sides and a wider deck at the front and a gazebo decorated with colored café lights covered the jacuzzi. "I get it now," said Honey. "You rented all of this and Monday you say, 'April Fools!' and reveal you're just an average Joe with a nice accent."

Arnold looked hurt. "I don't do April Fools, and Honey dear, you have it backward. THIS is my life; my apartment is merely a place for me to sleep during the week."

"What do you mean?"

"When I first came to Colorado, I hated the city. But the mountains! I've lived up here for years, and when I was hired at the airport I spoke with the home office and said that if I had to live in Denver I wasn't going to take the job, so they allowed me to make my permanent residence here in Breckenridge as long as I could respond during the week."

Several months ago, the management of their apartment complex had a Halloween party, and she had just moved in. It was her first truly nice apartment, and she wanted to mix in with the other residents. She went to the party, and that's where she met Arnold. When he told her he worked at DIA, she figured he was some executive in their management tier, but he never said exactly what his job was. Honey was determined to discover the nature of his job and Arnold knew it, so he treated her queries with humor.

"This is incredible," sighed Honey as the snowflakes wheeled around and the steam rose off the bubbling water of the jacuzzi. "Do you do this all the time?"

"Yes, very much so. Especially after a day of skiing or mountain biking. I sit out here and watch the stars and listen to music, or sit by the fire and listen to the nighttime creatures."

"I'm sure that the non-stop string of girls keeps you in shape."

"No, there's no string of girls. The rumor that I'm gay has permeated the Breckenridge scene and the women are friendly, but they stay away in droves."

"Who would start a rumor like that?" asked Honey, then she saw Arnold grinning. "You're pulling my leg, there's no rumor like that."

"No, the rumor exists, it very much does," said Arnold, still grinning.

"So... you started the rumor?" He continued to grin as he nodded his head. "Why would you do that?"

"I had a company, Morse Aggregate, and I made a fortune selling rocks, sand, and gravel left over by the mechanized mining of the early twentieth century. I quickly attracted flighty birds that wanted nothing more than weed, coke, and more weed. In a short while, I got very tired of monosyllabic conversations. I started a rumor that I was gay, and the flighty birds flew away."

"Then what did you do?"

"You Americans heard my accent and thought I was an intellectual or an artist and started clustering around my door. Others heard of Morse Aggregate cleaning up old mining sites, and they decided I was a foaming at the mouth environmentalist."

"So, what are you?" asked Honey. She couldn't believe that they've been dating almost six months, and this was the first time he's spoken to her of this. Then again, it's the first time he's brought her up to his "chateau."

"I'm a foaming at the mouth capitalist. You Americans dug up all that rock and gravel a hundred years ago looking for flecks of gold and left huge piles of rocks next to every stream in the mountains, I just hired a front end loader and a few dump trucks. Then I got a few permits from the Department of the Interior to haul off all that rock and Bob's your Uncle, instant money! My rocks are the centerpiece of gardens all over Denver and the streams looked magnificent when I was done." His grin grew broader when he said, "I sold the company for enough to retire on extremely comfortably when I was thirty three."

"What about the airport? Asked Honey as the hot water soothed her spirit. "What's with the job out there?"

"Last year the home office called and offered me a position and I was bored so I accepted it. Simple as that. Nothing secret about it."

"What do you do out there?"

"There are assets out there owned by a Brit, and I manage them."

"Like what? No wait, I know. The fish and chips place in concourse C, right?"

Arnold smiled, saying yes may end her questioning, but it would be a lie. "No, it's nothing that the public sees."

"You manage the kings bomb shelter."

"What?" chuckled Arnold. "I didn't take you as one who believed in conspiracy theories."

"It's either King Charles or Reptilians," said Honey, shrugging.

"I can guarantee, there's no reptilians below the airport." He dimmed the café lights and the underwater lights and soon, only the fire was providing light on the deck. He took her in his arms and gave her one of those kisses that started her clit tingling, and she began panting for air. "I know that we only have known each other for six months, but do you think that we could do this more permanently?"

"Are you proposing?" Honey nearly gasped.

"No but I don't like asking a question that important without knowing the answer first," he said, then he leaned over and took her nipple between his teeth and clinched it tightly while his tongue flickered over it, driving her out of her mind.

Summoning all of her willpower she pulled Arnold away from her breast and said, "Yes, I would love to spend the rest of my life with you, and if this is some silly but elaborate April Fools prank, I'll do it right now."

"Seriously?"

"A sense of humor is very important to me. When my dad died in Iraq, my grandpa's sense of humor was the only thing that kept me and my mom going, and that is a quality I look for in a man."

"If I knew that I would have rented a bigger cabin," said Arnold with a smile.

"Hey, that was a joke!" grinned Honey. "So this whole thing isn't some elaborate April Fools prank?"

"No, I'm sorry but I don't do April Fools," said Arnold as he led the naked beauty back into the "cabin" and dried her off before the big fire.

"Maybe I can convince you," she said as she slowly sank to her knees and licked the length of his cock. So big, so thick, and she knew what every pussy pleasing inch of it can do to her. She knew she would soon be reduced to a quivering pile of mush, trying to recover from a glorious fucking, but right now she wanted to please him.

Her tongue and her lips danced up and down the length of his cock. He groaned and rested his hands on her shoulders as she teased and taunted Arnold until he could take no more. He grasped a bunch of her hair and pulled her back from his cock, then pointed the head of his erect cock at her mouth. She looked up at him, smiling down at her in the firelight and grinned, then opened wide for her treat. Soon he was sliding his cock in and out of her mouth while her tongue laved the sensitive underside, causing him to groan with the pleasure she was causing in him.

He stroked deeper and deeper into her mouth, fucking her mouth and throat. At some point, she gagged a little, and he pulled back, but she wanted to show him she had skills she hadn't exhibited yet. She grabbed his ass cheeks and pulled his hips forward, forcing his cock down her throat. Deeper and deeper she pulled him until her nose was buried in his pubic hair. "Oh my God," he groaned, and started fucking her mouth and throat. She was touched by how gently he was treating her, but she wanted him to know that he wasn't hurting her. Honey grabbed his hips and started pulling his cock into her mouth faster and faster. At the same time, a fingertip of hers penetrated Arnold's asshole and began exploring.

He almost came, but he wanted to save it. He pulled back and Honey moaned in disappointment. "I almost had you," she groaned.

"I want to save that for later," said Arnold as he knelt down and drew her to him for a kiss. As they kissed, they slowly lowered to the floor in front of the fireplace. A faux mountain lion skin rug cushioned them as their lips met over and over. "Now it's your turn," whispered Arnold as he kissed his way down her milky white shoulders, down lower, searching for sensitive spots before kissing and nipping at her breasts.

Honey ran her fingers through his perfect locks of hair for the first time, and he didn't make a squawk. Most guys with hair that nice freak out when you touch it, Arnold didn't mind. He reached her nipple and began to lick and kiss her sensitive nubbin. He was very gentle with his mouth, but slowly he became more aggressive, more demanding with his fingers. As he suckled and nibbled her right nipple, he pinched her left nipple hard.

"Mmmm, where are you going," asked Honey as Arnold kissed his way down her torso.

"To heaven," was his only answer. Her tummy was still firm even though it had been years since she spent some time in the dojo.

"Oh God!" she groaned as his lips reached her pussy. "What are you doing to me?" she gasped as two fingers eased into her slit.

"I'm loving you," whispered Arnold as his mouth closed over her clit and he began suckling. His tongue flickered over her clit, driving her out of her mind. As he licked and sucked at her clit, his fingers pinched, pulled and twisted her nipples and finger banged her puss until she gasped and cried out. Her fingers wove through his hair, holding his mouth in place as his tongue drove her out of her mind.

"In me," she gasped. "I want you in me." He added a third finger to her moist pussy and waggled an eyebrow at her. "You know what I mean," she said, then groaned, "Oh God!" as he began running his fingers in and out of her sweet twat faster.

"Cum for me baby," he whispered.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" she cried as her orgasm crashed over her. She didn't know how or when it happened, but he was in her. His marvelous cock was stretching her out and pushing her to new heights of pleasure. She held on for dear life as he fucked her senseless, his cock pounding her over and over and suddenly they both tensed up as their orgasms washed over them.

As they caught their breath, Arnold rose and carried Honey to the bedroom, where they slipped into a blissful sleep in each other's arms.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

She woke to find herself at the edge of an orgasm. Arnold was gently massaging her pussy while he suckled her breasts. Seeing that she was awake, he climbed between her legs, and they made love as the sun came up over the mountains. "My god, you are spoiling me for other men," she gasped as they caught their breath from a morning of lovemaking.

"I'm hoping there are no other men," said Arnold as he served her a hot cup of coffee.

"We need to work on that sense of humor, and you may get a yes out of me," said Honey as they kissed.

"I have a sense of humor," said Arnold. "I've got a hell of a sense of humor. I just don't do April Fools."

"A hell of a sense of humor?" asked Honey.

"I can sing the entire philosopher's song," said Arnold proudly.

"The what?"

Arnold began singing:

"Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger, was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table

David Hume could out-consume Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel..."

"Oh, that philosopher's song," laughed Honey.

"There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist,

Socrates himself was permanently pissed..."

Laughing, she covered Arnold's mouth with her hand. "Ok, ok, ok. I get it. That's a great bit."

She removed her hand, and he said in a falsetto voice, "There's a penguin on the telly."

"Stop!" she covered his mouth again, laughing. "Ok, you have a sense of humor."

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of ellllderberries!"

"Stop!" she laughed, and the fight was on. They were wrestling around on the bed until he had her pinned by the wrists. She looked into his eyes and softly said, "Ni."

"I think I'm going to keep you," he said with a sigh. "I have never loved another person so dearly."

Honey's heart swelled. She's never loved a man more completely. Usually, after a week of her sense of humor, she was dumped, and the guy went looking for someone boring that wouldn't leave chattering teeth on his nightstand.

"Let's have breakfast then do a little skiing."

"I didn't bring my snowboard," she said as she pulled on a diaphanous dressing gown she found in the closet. "Whose gown is this?"

"That's for guests," Arnold said as he busied himself at the stove. "You're the first person to ever wear it," he added quickly. She was beautiful in that gown, and he had a hard time keeping his mind on cooking and not her breasts. Backlit by the morning sunlight streaming in from the glass doors, her firm breasts were a study of beauty, and he was having problems making eye contact. He placed a cheese and veggie omelet in front of her, then sat next to her and had two poached eggs on toast.

"Where are you from?" she finally asked.

"London."

"Cool! Did you ever get to see the queen?"

"Not when I lived in London, the queen would never come to my neighborhood. I doubt that she knew it existed." To answer her unasked question, he said, "I was born in Bethnal Green, not an upscale location by any measure. By the time I was five my parents had moved to Toronto where my dad got into the banking industry. Being partially British owned, his bank wanted a Brit or two on staff and dad was actually a banking genius. He moved up through the ranks quickly and his bank moved him to Manhattan when I was eleven. I have a dual citizenship."