I Don't Think I Can Do This

Alicia pulled one hand off my dick and undid my belt. She shoved my shorts and boxers to the ground. Then she started working me again. Sparkly purple nail polish discordant against my dark, ruddy cock.

I took my hand off Alicia's breast and wrapped it around her fingers. I slowed her frantic movements on my dick, not without effort, and slid her hand up and down careful till she had it perfect.

Alicia began working me with fervor. Her little tongue poked at the corner of her mouth. I pulled at my sister's pj pants and let them pool at her feet next to mine. Ran a finger through her slit and bent the tip into her waiting, wanting pussy. Moved my other hand on her clit. Faster now. We were kissing again, sloppy but not stopping even to breathe.

I was the first to go. I buckled as I splattered my sister's chest with my searing essence. Pleasure overwhelmed me. Alicia cinched and trembled. She bit down hard on my shoulder. I slowed my touch on my sister's pussy as she thrummed with ecstasy, but I didn't stop. Unwilling to let go of her precious center.

Reluctantly, we untangled ourselves and started to pull up our bottoms. I could smell my little sister on my fingers. She dragged her digits across her sperm-covered chest. When she rubbed a little into her nipple, I almost came all over again.

We walked back toward the tents, hand in sticky hand. When we got to the edge, as the yellow glow of artificial light leaked over us, we turned and faced each other. Alicia gave me a light little kiss on the lips.

"I love you," I said. My sister's eyes went wide. Everything we'd done on our evening excursions; we'd never spoken beyond Alicia's opening remonstrations. Let alone said... that.

Alicia opened her mouth to say something, then snapped it shut. Before I could even breathe again, she ripped her hands out from mine and sprinted back to her tent.

I stood there, staring dumbly. Waiting foolishly for her to come back. Eventually I trudged to my cabin. Little pieces of my heart spilled behind with every step.

*

I waited outside the mess hall for my sister the next morning, but she never showed. I tried to track her down during soccer, but she wouldn't let me get close. I didn't even bother leaving the cabin that night. Just lay there on the bunk bed, covered in cold sweat, and stared up at the slats as Devon snored above me.

"You OK, Nate?" Mason asked me. He was one of the smaller boys in our group and oddly attuned to adult stuff. We were standing out on the softball field, but my mind was nowhere near it. Mason grabbed my hand and pulled at it.

"I'm fine," I said, "Fine."

He looked back up at me, dubious. "Feelings are hard enough to handle when you don't also have to hide them," he said, then he walked off. I stared after him, dumbstruck.

*

I ate dinner in the mess hall, surrounded by noisy ten-year-old boys who ate like camp had turned them feral. It had been a week since my confession and I'd settled into a nice easy rut of eating by myself, moping through the day, and then not sleeping till morning.

I'd seen Alicia a few times, but we'd done nothing more than give each other a chin jut and sometimes not even that. One time, I overheard some of the girls say that they'd heard sobbing coming from one of the tents. I told myself it was Alicia. It made me feel so much better and so much worse.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up from my meatloaf, hopeful. It was Kerry, the swim instructor with long brown hair. Was it me, or did everyone look her way when she entered a room?

"A bunch of us are going down to the lake tonight after the kids are down," she said in her sing-song-y way. "Maybe you'd like to hang out."

I was about to turn her down. Then I looked up and saw Devon talking to my sister over by the coffee machine. She was laughing about something he said. His hand rested on top of hers.

*

The party was already well and going by the time I arrived. They'd strung the boathouse up with popcorn lights and hooked up a Bluetooth speaker. Bottles of clinking alcohol contributed their own percussion. There had to be at least twenty counselors down there. It was a good thing that the lake was so far down the hill from the rest of the camp or for sure we'd have woken half the kids up.

I saw Kerry standing off to one side, holding a beer and talking with the other swim counselors. I was about to go over when I looked out on the lake. A singular shadow sat on the edge of the dock, staring out at the low, orange-bright moon.

I walked up the dock, careful not to shake it too much, and sat on the wet metal next to my sister. I doubted the other counselors would be happy to find a camper down at the lake, but they seemed too involved with each other to care.

Alicia kicked her legs against the water, and I joined her. The music faded back behind us. The too loud laughs, the ringing of broken glass. It all drifted away on the ripples we made.

My sister reached over and grabbed my hand. I squeezed it back. My heart tightened in time with her grip.

"Swinging into the lake, a few weeks ago. It opened something in me," Alicia said.

"It made you confident," I said, "Fearless."

"Oh God no. I was still so afraid. I just wasn't going to let that hold me back anymore. Not from what I wanted."

"What did you want?" I asked, the hope so full in me I could barely hold it.

I heard a loud splash. A few of the counselors had made their way to the water. They were still far away enough -- it was dark enough; they were distracted enough -- that they couldn't see me and my sister sitting there.

"I'm sorry," Alicia said. It was more like a whisper. A confession -- from the heart to the lungs to the world.

"I'm not," I said, and I felt my sister squeeze my hand even tighter.

"Kissing. The other stuff we did. Like with swinging on the rope, I was fine because it kind of felt like flying," Alicia said, "Then you said those words and I started to fall. Crash. I didn't know what to say or do so I ran."

"I'm sorry I scared you," I said. The words came out hot, but I wanted them to burn.

"That's the thing, Nate," Alicia said, "You've always been my bravery. Whenever things were scary? You made them safe."

"Only because you always did the same for me," I said, "You make yourself sound like some shrinking violet. You never needed me."

"But I wanted you, just the same," Alicia said.

"Not Devon?" I asked.

"Ewww," Alicia said, "He tried to touch my hand earlier today and I had to fight the urge to cut the damn thing off. What about you? Kerry's kind of amazing and I know she's into you."

"She's nothing compared to my sister," I said. Alicia stared back at me with those blue, doe eyes. She leaned forward. I felt her lips start to tickle against mine.

"WOOOOO! I'm so fucking drunk!"

I glanced back to the party. The group was getting rowdy. It was only a matter of time before someone got us in trouble.

"We need to get you to bed before someone finds you," I said.

Alicia nodded. "I've already been found."

*

Back at the tents I tried to pull my sister to the forest with me, but she wouldn't go. I swear my aching dick was trying to drag her over itself, but Alicia stood firm.

"Not here," she said, "Not yet."

My sister let me give her a quick peck on the lips, then she stepped into her tent.

"The dance is tomorrow," she said, letting the flap close behind her.

*

Every year, Loantaka had an end of summer dance for all the campers. They took the drama building, emptied everything out, and decorated it with disco balls and glow-in-the-dark stars. They played goofy 80s music, and everyone swayed. The room smelled like smoke machine and flop sweat.

I stood on the far side, playing the chaperone, blinking away the little spotlights as they drifted lazily over the campers. All of them rocking back and forth as chastely as they dared. Tiny boats on a stormy, hormone-filled ocean. Eagerly terrified to be swallowed by the swells.

They started playing something slow and my sister came up to me. Somehow, I hadn't seen her till then, though Lord I was looking. Alicia was wearing a blue, sleeveless dress that brought out the color of her eyes, even in the semi-darkness. She gave a little curtsey and smiled.

I looked around, nervous. The whole room was counselors and campers. We were already shouting so much in our secrecy. Alicia grunted in frustration, then grabbed my hands and pulled me into the center of the room. Wrapped her arms tight around my waist and rested her head on my shoulder.

We made the smallest back and forth we could. Mostly just hugging. Holding on tight. There were other couples bumping us constantly, but they were ghosts. The only real person in that whole place was in my arms. The songs rolled into each other. We stayed still.

"You love me," Alicia said. No question.

"And you?" I asked. The words came out choked. I could barely speak for all we were saying. What it meant to hold on. To let go.

"Feelings are hard enough when you don't have to hide them," Alicia said.

"Wait, where did you hear that?" I asked. My sister shrugged and stepped back from me. She pulled at my hands, leading me through the crowd. Right out of the dance hall. A couple of other counselors were out there, keeping the kids from doing the very thing we were about to.

"My sister's not feeling well," I said. Alicia made a passable effort at choking back her dinner. "I'm going to walk her back up to the tents."

*

The clearing was empty. Everyone was there at the dance. I let my sister lead me to where she slept. As if I didn't know. We pulled back the flaps and slid inside. Alicia lay back on her bed Pink sheets and frilly pillows. I sat next to her. We kissed like we'd been holding our breaths since the last time.

We took turns, peeling each other back. My shirt and shorts. Alicia's dress. Layer by layer. Till we were both down to nothing. I wondered at my little sister's rosy thighs. The way her blonde hair hung over her little breasts. Alicia pulled me forward. Our lips traced each other's bodies like learning them.

My sister's breasts in my hands. My mouth. Her tongue on my neck. Nails on my chest. We searched each other's arms and shoulders. Legs and flanks. Finding every little giggle and groan.

Alicia pushed me away and lay back. I looked down at her perfect little body. She devoured mine. My baby sister spread her legs open. Her sex dark and dripping. Mine much the same, looming over her. Alicia looked up at me eager and fearful. I knelt between her legs. She reached forward and squeezed my hardness. Dragged me forward. Her thighs slick against my sides. The iron head of my cock nestled against her soft, warm opening. Alicia lifted her little butt. Slotted me in place. Skin to bare skin.

Both of us held there. On the precipice. Eyeing the future in front of us like it was lava. Alicia still held my thickness in her tiny hands. I swore I could hear the music from the dance, thin and trickling. I only saw my sister. Her pretty face flushed from all that we'd done. Peering down to where we were almost connected.

It wasn't hard, what she wanted to do. Just a long slow thrust and then... Drop! I'd done it a few times, but never like this. And I knew it was Alicia's first time, too. Her general nature of nervousness held her back. Fortunately, my sister's need to be seen as a confident, courageous woman -- and her brother's loving eyes -- were all pushing hard in the other direction.

"I don't think I can do this," my sister said to herself, quietly.

But she knew that she would.