I Get What I Want

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"My plane leaves soon. A car is coming to get me, should be here soon." She said somberly. "I um......didn't want to wake you. I left a note."

"Wait, what, a fucking note? You were just going to sneak out on me." I barked back, my ire beginning to emerge.

Raising her voice in concert with mine, she came back. "This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I'm not trying to fight with you. I'm just leaving. I didn't want a scene."

"This is bullshit. I can't believe this. What did I do? Is it something I said?" I begged.

"No, damnit! Why are you being such a baby about this. You know you probably had the best sex of your life and you didn't have to lift a finger for it, plus no strings! I thought this was every guy's dream. Just take the fucking win!" She charged before hobbling through the door and slamming it behind her.

Starting after her, I realized I was still in the buff. I scrambled around looking for the first thing I could find to cover myself, which turned out to be a pair of old gym shorts. They were a little shorter than I'd have liked, which is why I only wore them around the house. Either way, they would have to serve so I could catch her before she was gone.

By the time I made it outside she had gotten all the way down the stairs and was making her way to the parking lot. I darted down all thirteen steps in two or three bounds and seized her by the elbow. She turned to me, face already red hot with what I thought was anger. When she blinked, tears sprinted down her cheeks.

Disarmed by her sad state, I turned apologetic, as if I were in the wrong. In a more hushed voice, I pleaded. "Wait, I know you have to leave, but don't go away mad at me. Look, we don't even have to clear things up now. Give me your number or email or something. Please, Skully. I don't know what I've done, just let me have a chance to make it up."

Whimpering now, she replied, "no."

Confused and frustrated, I couldn't form the words to make my case to her. I stammered and grunted trying desperately to not lose her. All I could manage was to pull her close to me and try to console whatever vexed her.

Finally, she continued. "This has to be goodbye, forever. And no, it's not anything you've done. It's just......that's just what I've decided."

"Skully, I don't understand. I'm just asking to keep in touch. What is wrong with that?" I begged.

"So, if you had my number, you'd call me?" she sneered back.

"Well, yeah." I shrugged. "Why not?"

"What if I wanted to meet up, maybe have a replay of last night?" She asked with an unsettling, caustic tone.

With a chuckle, I confessed. "Well yes, thank you. I'll definitely take some more of that."

"What if I asked you to be my boyfriend?" She scoffed.

Admittedly, I recoiled some, but before I could form a reply, she cut in again.

"What if we just eloped?" She asked.

"Look, if you think you're going to scare me off, you're wrong. I'm not one of those guys who live in fear of commitment. Besides, I adore you. I'd be lucky to end up with someone like you." I implored.

"You just don't get it." She said, pushing back from me. "I mean, sure, if things were normal; Like, your run of the mill boy meets girl scenario, I would love to be with you too. Fact is, this is a fucked-up situation. Even if we started dating, I just know we'd never be on equal footing." She expressed earnestly, then smirked. "Laugh at that and I'll slug you.

Noting the play on words, I couldn't help myself, and she, as promised struck me on the shoulder. I feigned being wounded, hoping to keep the playful mood going. Unfortunately, it didn't. She took a long, deep breath and her face went grim again.

"It wouldn't be fair, to you or me." She continued. "I just......I love you."

Out of reflex, I tried to respond, but before I could even utter a syllable, I was cut off.

"Stop! Don't you dare fucking say it. This is hard enough without you patronizing me." She shook her head, exasperated. "Seriously, before last night, when was the last time you even thought of me? Me, I've pined over you nonstop from the jump. You were godlike to me. You cared for me when I was at my lowest, built me up, gave me hope, confidence. You were like a big brother, a father figure, and now lover. I've been hopelessly in love with you since we first met. The way I've built you up, it wouldn't be fair. Nobody, not even you, could dream to live up to it."

"You could give me a chance. Maybe I'll surprise you." I pleaded. "You talk about fair. I think that it's unfair that I don't even have a say."

"I can't. Don't you get it?" She loudly asked. "I have to say no to you now, while I have my resolve. I'm afraid if I don't, then I would never be able to refuse you." She sighed and brushed the hair out of her eyes. "So, no. I don't want to be your pen pal. Keeping in touch is not an option for me. It would never be enough. I would want you all to myself."

I was starting to see her side, but still, I tartly interjected, "...and you get what you want."

"I'm sorry, but it has to be this way. Being with you last night was everything I dreamed it to be. For a moment, I was the center of your universe. I had the privilege of pleasing you every way you asked."

A black crossover SUV pulled past us in the parking lot, then reversed, stopping right in front of my building. We both took notice, but still, the driver felt the need to beep the horn anyway. She turned, waved and then faced me again.

"Truth be told, if you asked me right now to stay, to forgo all my plans, my career, everything and stay with you, I would. I'm begging you, though, don't. I just know I'd be powerless to deny you. That's how it would be. I'd never be able to tell you no. That's no way to live." She explained.

"I would never be that way. I'd never try to take advantage of you," I said.

"Sure, I know, but what if we found out we were not good for each other? I don't think I'd be strong enough to admit it. Certainly, I wouldn't be able to leave you, and I'd always wonder if you were with me out of pity, or something." She said, expounding. "This is me starting over. I want to start a career, a life that is not dictated by cancer. I also want love, but on my terms, not where I start out hopelessly in love with a man who was barely aware of my existence just a few hours ago. My hope is that last night was as wonderful for you as it was for me, and that it can serve as some sort of closure. You've had this spell on me, but I need to be free so I can begin a normal existence."

Thinking on it, I knew she was right. Once again, I underestimated how mature she was. She had thought of everything, and had her mind made up. If I was really being honest with myself, then plainly, we could not be together.

She started toward the car, with no intention of prolonging our goodbye. I stretched out and clasped her palm, spinning her around and into my arms. There we kissed one last time and then I let her go. I tried to take a mental picture of her, knowing I would never behold her beauty again, but my sight grew blurry with the ensuing waterworks.

Standing there on the curb, I watched the car drive off until it vanished into a patch of low-lying fog. Then, I turned back toward my apartment. Heartache struck just as I reached the stairs and I found myself unable to climb. Sitting on the bottom step, I began sobbing, which evolved quickly to blubbering.

It was light already, but not quite early enough for the neighbors to be stirring. Not one soul was there to witness this pathetic scene. The humidity was at a criminally high and the moisture clung to my skin only adding to my misery.

The sadness of losing her came on so suddenly, that I felt paralyzed. She had swooped into my life and in a few short hours fucked my brains out and then ripped my heart out. The shock of it all was too much to process, which, I guess is what triggered this fit I was in. The pain was so severe, I wasn't sure when I would recover.

Feeling useless, I hung my head and when I looked down, I saw my balls hanging out of my shorts. The pitiful sight made me snicker, snapping me out of my sad state. After that, I was quickly able to get myself together and retreat indoors to hide my shame.

That was it. We never contacted each other again, not a text, phone call, nothing. She had tracked me down once, so she was plenty capable of finding me, were she to have a moment of weakness. Part of me hoped that she would, but she didn't, and that reminded me how strong her resolve was.

She was wrong about one thing. I did love her. I guess she proved it to me that crazy, sexy night. When she left, I must have thought of her daily. Ironic how I went so long without her in my life and now I longed for her almost obsessively. The idea had occurred to me, looking her up the way she did me, turning the tables. In truth, I never could. I'm not near as daring as her.

That made me happy, though, the idea that she had become brave and confident under my watch while she was in the hospital. I liked thinking that her life turned out the way she planned thanks to her determination and grit, and that I might have had a small hand in that. Maybe she ultimately got everything she wanted. I could picture her out there somewhere: working at some new job by now sporting her new tits, probably dating a very lucky, new guy.