I Hate My Life Pt. 01

That worked great until a few weeks later, at dinner. Maria was moody and seemed sad.

Mom noticed her mood and asked, "Baby, why are you so glum, you break up with a boy?"

Maria sniffles and says sadly, "Yeah. He left me. I was just remembering some comments Aunt Meg said about me. What was it, 'Just because he doesn't find you attractive?' That was in response to me calling Marco small. He is, we have seen it. Aunt Meg said it was because he wasn't sexually turned on and then because I wasn't sexy enough. Now I can't keep a boyfriend. I'm beginning to think she is right. He never turns hard when I handle him.

Mom tries to cheer her up, "Marco is weird, don't worry about him. You know boys are intimidated by our family. Now we are weak because we only have one son left."

Anna points out in my defense, "Technically two, but I see your point. Marco isn't going to instill a fear of death into anyone."

They all laugh at me. I don't need this; I go up to my room. As I leave, mom yells because I did not finish my soup. I ignore her. Not a smart move, but I'm getting to the point that I don't care, my life sucks. Today is the first day with a singing instructor. Because of my voice issues, they say I need a singing specialist to ease me back into it. Otherwise, I could damage my voice permanently. This is the first time I notice a change in my voice. I know my range, there are certain songs I can and can't sing because of my own range.

I notice that I have a better lower range now as we do scales. The doctor said that with my injury and surgery, that's not bad. In fact, she seems quite excited. Opera is too hard on my voice now, she wants me to sing something light, and at a whisper. Use the right pronunciation and pitch, but use almost no volume, so it's easy on my vocal cords.

I start with, "Chicago, Chicago, that toddlin' town..." from Sinatra.

Grandma has me sing a lot of his songs for events, like birthdays and holidays. For three months, I work with this woman until the insurance stops paying for visits. I now have no idea what to do with my life. I stay in my room, read music, and learn about music theory. I sample a lot of music as well, to learn how a song can be recorded in so many ways. I need to perform.

With no experience, who will hire me? I can work for free. I can be a street performer!

I have no wallet, no keys, no car, no ID, no identifying papers at all. I fall asleep in my bed.

+++++

Maria wakes me up, "Come down for dinner." I don't respond. "Come on, Marco!" I don't respond. "Marco!"

I ask her, "What is the point of me living?"

That surprised the hell out of her.

She responds, "To date, to meet people, to have fun."

I repeat, "What is the point for ME to live? I know what your point is."

She kids me, "You have the same things I do."

I laugh at her, "Do I have a driver's license? How about a car? A wallet, a phone, a laptop, a computer with more than a G rating security? Can I leave the house? Can I go to the bar to have a drink? You know the answer. So why bother?" She is still looking at me. "Just leave; I'm no longer your concern."

She was so stunned, she left.

I expected her to come back, but she didn't.

After dinner, she came back up, took me by the hand, and led me to her car.

Once inside, "Where do you want to go?"

I'm confused, happy, excited, but in a daze, I blurt out, "A club with a band, small place, older people."

+++++

The place is a dive. There are a lot of biker guys, and their wives, each of them have grey hair. There is a live band up on stage, and they aren't very good. The singer is cute, but she is terrible. She is like two cats crying at the moon.

Maria looks at me, "Like you could do any better."

That did it, I know I can do better. I stormed up on stage and took the mic from the young lady.

I say to her, "A woman can't sing Frank, sorry. I couldn't take it anymore. Ok guys, let's try this again, one, two, three, 'And nowwwww, the end is nearrrrrr ...'

I am in awe of myself. My voice is like silk but just enough roughness to do Frank. I can hit low notes with ease now and hit high notes he never could. The audience goes nuts. The band doesn't want me walking away, so they just play one song into another. The girl called out the next song as we draw near the current song's end.

After two hours, Maria points to her wristwatch, then points to the door. I call out "Last song" midway through the song. At the end, I hit the crescendo and then had a good thirty-second winding down of the last note. I hand back the mic to the pretty lady and run after my sister.

I'm breathing hard, my heart is racing, I'm full of energy. I tell Maria thank you and then kiss her quickly on the lips. I am as light as a feather.

Maria, for her part, deadpans, "You're weird, you know that?"

I hold her hand, "Thank you for the best day of my life. The world does have a use for me."

I am silent on the way home. Internally, I am critiquing myself on how I could have done better. I can't do some things I could do before. On the other hand, I can do a whole lot of new things now, including hitting notes I couldn't before.

Maria is strangely quiet.

With a soft and trembling voice, I say to Maria, "Thank you."

She held the steering wheel harder, her knuckles turned white. She never said a word. We go home, I go to my bed, and Maria goes straight to mom. I now run up the stairs. I undress and get into bed. My throat is sore, I sang too much. No practice scales before bed. I fall asleep quickly, even with the thrill from the crowd still flowing through me.

The next morning is exactly like every other morning is. My throat feels great, but I still don't talk. That annoys my family, but since they really don't care, it's not a big deal. I do notice them all looking at me more. Quick glances and then nothing. Maria spilled the beans. It really doesn't matter unless they can figure out how to make money off me.

I stay in my room through lunch, listening to more music, and reading the lyrics. I'm now obsessed with music, the words, and how the two can be arranged with many different results. I can see how I might rearrange a song, but I don't have any of the required hardware or software for that. I don't even have pencil and paper.

After dinner, I spend two hours in my room before Maria barges in and says, "Come with me."

She is devoid of emotion. I'm walked outside to a waiting car that Anna is driving. I have no idea what's going on. This has never happened before. Did she ask to come with, or was she forced? I stay quiet and get in the back. Maria is next to me, I guess they think I'm a flight risk still.

I can't say I was shocked when we pull up to the same club as last night. The difference is this time, the bouncer grabs my arm and takes me to the band. It's a different band, they are better, and the singer is a lot better. I'm handed a mic, which didn't make the other singer happy.

They quickly start some Dean Martin, after the intro, I begin with, "When the moon hits ..." The other guy tries to out-sing me. That didn't work out so well. My range, my voice, they're both better and he knows it. The place quickly settles down. Rather than talking to friends or dates, they are listening and drinking. This is an appreciative crowd. Between songs, I look over at my sisters. Anna is talking to a man, and Maria smiles at me.

Holy shit, she smiled at me! No kidding.

We are into our next song when I see Anna's "friend" is playing rough with her. He has his finger in her face and is pushing her with the other hand. What the hell. I point at the bouncers and then draw a line to my sister. One of the guys ran to stop the man. The in was a whole lot bigger than the bouncer. The little bouncer did something, and that made the man very compliant walking out of the club.

The band does everything I know, so we experimented with a few more singers. It's about 10:00, and I look over at my sisters. They're gone. Did they leave me? No way. Suddenly, I'm scared, my voice faltered, I missed a note. I fall to the ground.

The band stops. There is a collective gasp. Everyone lurches forward to see what happened. What did happen? I hate them. Why do I care?

You have seen those shark movies where the fin is above water, and it is splitting the water as the shark moves to eat the unfortunate hapless victim. That's what I see before me. People are chucked right and left, forming a path developed from the back of the room and is coming to me. It's Maria, she has tears in her eyes. She embraces me. Mom and my other sisters are quick to fill in around me and help pick me up. There is applause. I sit down, and I'm given a soda. They have no idea how old I am, they play it safe.

I start performing again, and after a few songs with the other guy, I sing for another hour. I totally blew everyone away with my emotions and the power of my voice. At the one-hour mark, my throat is getting raw again. It seemed like a good time to stop. I get a huge ovation as I leave the stage.

Maria is right in front of me. She takes my hand and leads me outside to the refreshing air. She leans over, bats her eyes at me and kisses me on the cheek. Anna pulls up in the Suburban, and we all go home. Again, not a word is said in the car. Mom did have a smile on her face. Somehow, I know this is going to hurt me sooner or later. I get home and go straight to bed. Nobody cared enough to say anything.

Chapter 2 - Grandma

Today is Saturday. I don't shower, and I sleep in late. I miss breakfast. I have a small lunch after my sisters and mom finish. It's mandatory that we eat dinner together. Tonight, is pasta night. It's lasagna, my favorite. They don't know that. If I ever said anything, I would never get it again.

Mom wants answers, "When did you know your voice changed?"

Shocked that she is talking to me, I'm shaking as I answer, "The first singing doctor session."

I only answer direct questions, I don't want to make her mad.

Mom looks determined, "What happened tonight? You stopped singing."

Oh shit, I don't want to talk about this. This is bad. Very bad. I look down, maybe they will leave me alone.

Mom swings at me, "Answer me now!"

I did not react well to that. I jump off the chair and hide in the corner. My back to my family and my hands protecting my head. Tears are running down my face.

I then hear something that I have never heard before, my sister talking back at mom.

Rose is sassy, "Oh gee, mom, you sure have a way with your son I see. I like that scared of living look on his face. Why not finish the job Grandma started."

She huffs out of the room.

Mom yells at us, "This is my house."

Anna walks out, "What do you call the leader of one? Lonely."

Mom yells again, "No money for you two!"

Sophia and Maria help me up, and I run to my bedroom. I hide in the corner. I hear mom walking up the stairs. She is easy to tell; she is slow. My sisters run up and down the stairs. My door opens, and not a word is said. I hear a plate set down on my desk. It makes that dish sound when a fork and knife rattle against it. No doubt some dinner is on that plate.

I won't eat it; I lost my appetite. Someone turned off my lights during the night, I spent the rest of the night in the corner of my room. How pathetic. I need to do something. My life needs to change. Little did I know, changes are on the way.

+++++

When I finally did wake up, the house is silent. I take a shower and shave. I may be taken to Grandma's, so I better be ready. It's noon, and nobody is around. I heat up some leftovers and then go back to my room. I feel weak, I guess the missing meals is starting to catch up to me. I eat my small plate of lasagna and the end of the bread that was used for garlic bread.

I go back upstairs and listen to music. Hmmm, Whitney Houston is impressive. I hear some banging downstairs. I turn off the music, and it seems the family is home from shopping. They are going over to see grandma. I bet they had their hair done, bought new clothes, and at least one pair of shoes.

Sophia bursts into my room, put clothes on my bed, and instructs me, "Wear these tonight."

I try them on, and it's not right.

I knock on mom's door, she opens it, and yells at me, "Go put the clothes on that we bought you." She slams the door.

I knock on the door, she opens it again, and I raise my arm, showing the new price tags.

Maria comes out of her room in a fantastic long, yellow dress with matching shoes.

Maria looks at me, "I tried to tell you. He lost a lot of weight since Grandma's near-death experience. We should be rid of him by this winter, I expect."

That pissed off mom, "You ungrateful bitch. Come here!"

Maria surprised me, "What? This is new. Are you doing your own dirty work? Not asking Grandma to do it?"

Mom denies it, "I had no part in that."

Maria laughs as she stands back, "You liar, I heard you begging grandma on the phone. You did this to him. Watch!"

Maria pulls back a fist, and I'm on the floor, hugging mom's leg with my hands over my head for protection.

Mom is pissed at me, "Get the fuck up off the floor, those are new clothes."

I'm not moving. I need to protect myself from the fight. Maria bent over to help me up, and mom struck Maria in the face. She has a bloody nose; it ruins her brand-new dress. She still picks me up and moves me away from mom. My clothes got blood on them as well. They shout obscenities at each other until I'm on my bed.

Maria yells more and then cleans up in the washroom. She comes back to my room and lies down on my bed. It's not long before she's asleep. I close my door, sit in the corner, and fall asleep listening to my music.

A few hours later, Sophia wakes me up with a kiss to the lips. WOW! That's amazing. She giggles as I smile at her with an amazing look on my face. She helps me up and finds some older clothes that fit me. Maria refuses to change her dress or clean the blood from her face and chin. Oh my, that will cause trouble. I don't dare say anything. This is her fight.

We all get in the big Suburban. When at Grandma's house, mom stops Maria.

Mom has an evil glare to her, "Maria, I can't have you seen in public like that. You can stay in the car."

Maria yells back, "This is your painting, how can you object. Oh, I know, I can go in naked."

Mom has a scared look on her face, "NO!"

Maria walks by mom, "Better make sure Marco makes it in. He'll be jittery with you being mad."

I'am shaking, that's for sure.

Mom tries to soothe me. I jump at her touch, which makes her sad. Who knew, I can make her sad. Oh yeah, she is sad because she should have had a better son.

We all walk in, and a lot of other family members are already in the living room. Grandma sneers at Maria, disgusted at her look.

Anna says to Grandma, "She didn't hit herself."

I sit in the far corner of the room, I can't even see Grandma, which is fine with me.

They all discuss the family business, and then our family is a subject. That's bad. Family members are only a subject when Grandma isn't happy. Right now, Grandma is furious, and she wants to see her daughter.

Mom tries to look important, like she has the upper hand. She never does with Grandma, nobody does.

Grandma states, "I see your daughter is wearing a disrespectful dress. Full contempt for you. Maria, what do you have to say for yourself? Why should I not have you beaten like Marco?"

Maria is scared, but she puts on a good front, "Any mother that knows so little of her son doesn't get to tell me what to do. He needs help. If she won't help him, I damn will. If you feel the need to beat me, you'll end up killing me because I won't take it willingly. I'll defy you until I die. Do we have so many children that you can lose one more? If so, then Marco will be on his own, and he'll die within six months."

That last line shook Grandma to the core. When Grandma called my name, I was dragged in front of her. I sit on my butt, arms wrapped around my legs, peering up at her.

Grandma asks me, "I hear you sing much better now. I want to hear what you can do?"

I don't move a muscle, and I don't say a thing, I look pleadingly to Maria.

Maria looks at Grandma, "No."

The entire room gasps.

Maria realizing her mistake, backtracks, "Not yet. He sang two nights ago."

One of her thugs slaps her face so hard, she is knocked down.

Oh, is she mad, she defiantly yells out, "Go ahead! Make him sing. Finish the job you started a few months ago. Go on!"

Grandma is having second thoughts, Maria wisely continues talking, "Three nights ago he sang for a while, tore the place apart. The crowd went wild. Then his throat got sore, and he stopped. Two nights ago, mom had I take Anna with us to verify I'm not lying. Again, the place goes nuts. Mom shows up, we all hear him sing. His voice gets soar, he stops and goes home. He needs chicken soup or any other hot liquid that is hot, thick, and soothing. Then maybe he can sing some. He hasn't sung one note of Opera yet, the doctor doesn't want him doing that for a while.

"Come on, doesn't anyone pay attention to him? Did he talk at all at home? On the way here? Or once we got here? Noooooo. First, he's still in shock about the beating he took, then, he doesn't see a need to live anymore. He doesn't like his life."

I don't dare look. Maria is crying her eyes out next to me, everyone else is silent.

Grandma sniffles and then says, "Rose, get over here." Rose runs to Grandma. "What did you think of his singing?"

Rose seems indifferent, "I don't care for much of that old stuff you listen to. I have a different taste in music. But I've heard enough Frank on vinyl to know he had class and swag and great style. He had classy, mellow voice. I heard Marco sing and thought, damn. He sang a few newer songs, and that's when I could tell he is special. Get him a can of soup, a cup of tea with honey, and then let him have a nice long hot shower. He'll sing for you; he loves to sing."

Grandma says, "Sit. Sophia, you get up here." Sophia jumps up. "What's the problem with your house, and what do I do about it?"

Sophia laughs, "You know the answer to both of those questions already. I'll humor you, so the less informed know. Mom is jealous of Marco because you love him more than mom. She told you to kill him, yet you didn't. You proved yourself wise when you didn't kill him. She bought him clothes today that were way too large. She didn't notice that he hasn't been eating. He thinks you both hate him.

"In his eyes, how can he argue that? His own mother tries to have him killed, and his Grandmother almost does it. You two make me sick. I don't mind telling everyone, but isn't that stealing your thunder?"

Grandma howls with laughter, "Oh my sweet child, you are ready to take over now. So smart. Yes, spill the beans. Let's see how close you get."

Sophia is now teaching class," There is precedence for what I'm going to tell you. It's not common, it's not typical, it's not ever talked about by families. Yes, Grandma is going to shake this family on the ear. Mom, you are being demoted due to your demonstrated inability to observe your own son. You have lost control of your daughters and asked for the death of a rare male in our family. You are no longer in line to ascend to head of the family."

There is a collecting "Woah," followed by a scream from mom.

Sophia can see the smile on Grandma's face, she continues with a smile, "starting today mom will be living with Grandma, meaning she will be giving up the payments for a husband and three sons. Marco will now get those payments and will be head of our household starting immediately."

Again, another surprising look and utter shock by the family. They stay silent, they don't want to be included in this purge.