I Kissed a Girl Ch. 10

"Susie?" I blinked up at her, seeing a multitude of emotions in her gentle eyes. Most of all was understanding. "She professed her love and swore she would kill herself if I didn't say I loved her, too."

Susie pulled me in for a tight hug.

"I know I could have lied to her, just to make her put the gun down," I sniffled, resting my cheek on her shoulder. "But I feared she might kill us both in some sick Romeo and Juliet kind of murder-suicide. I was crying. Begging to know why she wouldn't just leave us alone. She was telling me how she'd found the wedding invite I'd sent to Brad when Kat and my sister showed up. It was chaos after that."

I sat back again and swiped the back of my hand across my eyes. "Fast forward to this morning. Kat was going through some boxes of papers to see what could be shredded or pitched. She came across a copy of the official report from the shooting. Read how I'd admitted to the police that there had been continuous contact attempts from Lauren once we'd moved out here. Kat confronted me. I tried to defend my actions...she called me a liar for not telling her at the time. I stormed out so we could both cool off."

Susie nodded. Finished her beer. But she still didn't speak. And that bothered me.

"Please. Say something. Anything."

She sighed heavily. "You're wanting me to side with you, Jenna, honey. To tell you that you did the right thing by keeping the contact with Lauren a secret from your wife. But I can't. Do you see how your silence created a void between you that has now been revealed?"

I nodded this time.

"You are married. Even though you had her best interests in mind and you didn't know Lauren would be violent, I can see how Kat feels you keeping her in the dark on this topic means you're not being entirely honest with her. Maybe she's wondering if there's anything else you haven't told her."

I cringed inside. Maybe a little outside, too, because I heard Susie clear her throat.

Her eyes were narrowed again when I met her gaze. "Is there?"

My gulp literally hurt, the lump of guilt was so big. I whispered, "About my brother..."

"What?"

"Um, she doesn't know I have one."

The only way to describe Susie's look was incredulous. "Girl! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"It's not an easy subject." I stared at my hands in my lap. "My parents don't talk about him, either."

"I don't give a flying fuck what they do or don't talk about. They at least know he exists. Kat is your wife. The woman you've been pining for most of your life. If you can't..." Susie threw her hands up in the air. "I give up. I'm trying, Jenna. I'm trying really hard to understand why you would be silent about things like this? Important things? Apparently, life-threatening things?"

My shoulders hunched even more, my eyes burning slightly from fresh tears. "Because I'm afraid she won't love me if she sees how weak I really am! That I couldn't keep her safe from a crazy-ass bitch who was obsessed with me. That my homophobic brother would rather his sisters burn in hell than be in the same room as them. That I wished she'd stood up for herself when she lost her job back home instead of quietly accepting the lame-ass excuse her boss gave her when it was plain as day she was let go because she was engaged to a woman. Maybe if she knows all this, she'll decide it's too much trouble being a lesbian and she'll leave me. Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Yes. Because that is the truth."

I'd thought baring my soul would make me feel better, but I was still miserable. My head was throbbing. My chest was tight. But my eyes had thankfully dried up during my fervent admission.

"What Lauren...your brother...Kat's old boss...the man on the moon thinks?" Susie shook her head. "It means diddly squat. When I met you, you were trying to prove yourself to the world, Jenna. Even after all this time, you still are. But you don't have to. The only opinions that matter belong to yourself and the person waiting at home for you. Her willingness to marry you—carry your child—means she knows you're not always going to be strong. With Kat, you've got nothing left to prove. I am certain she still loves you despite any faults you may have, because she has faults, too. And having weak moments is not a fault. It just means you're both human."

I nodded, sniffling softly. She was spot-on. Just like she had been the night we'd met. And again the night she left. Susie had always been very insightful back then, and she wasn't afraid to point out the obvious. Especially when I was being obtuse. I was glad she hadn't changed.

She didn't have to say it aloud. Although our impromptu conversation had helped me clear my head a little, the issue still remained. There was only one way it would be resolved, and it wasn't sitting here in this dive bar talking to my first girlfriend.

The chair scraped noisily when I shoved it back and stood. "I-I have to go."

"Yes, honey, you do." Susie stood as well and gave me one of her big bear hugs, holding on a moment longer. "If she didn't truly care about you, it wouldn't bother her so much that you remained silent."

I could only nod against her shoulder.

"It doesn't mean she won't get upset, Jenna, but you have to be completely open with her going forward. Because you love her. Just keep that in mind when you tell her the rest, which you have to do. There's no question about that. You can't change what happened with her previous job or the shooting, but she needs to know you were hurt that she didn't stand up for the two of you...why you kept Lauren's communication to yourself." She held me out at arm's length, a soft smile on her lips. "And you definitely need to tell her about your brother. You owe her that much."

"I will," I said gruffly. I expected that Kat would scream at me again...or maybe she'd shut down. She wasn't prone to throwing things when she was upset, but if she started to, I would take it. I deserved it. I had to make it right with her. I had to at least try.

Susie hugged me again and kissed the side of my head. When she finally released me, I collected my purse and mostly-dried jacket from another chair but paused with my hand on her shoulder.

"Are you living here in Northampton?"

"For a time, I did. After us. I'm just back visiting a sick friend. She has breast cancer. Doesn't look good." I swear she looked misty-eyed when she glanced up. But the moment passed, and she patted my hand. "It was so good to see you, Jenna. Must be fate that we crossed paths again."

"Yeah. Fate." I squeezed her shoulder, wanting to tell her how sorry I was for her friend—how I wouldn't be the confident woman I was today without her encouragement—but we had never been too sentimental like that. Hence her slipping out in the night when she left me. I started to walk away but spun around. "Oh, wait! I have to pay for my food."

"I'll take care of the bill, honey." She smiled widely. "Now, call yourself a cab. You're in no shape to drive, and your wife needs you home in one piece."

"Thanks, Susie," I whispered, awkwardly hugging her while she was still sitting. "For everything."

###

The cab had dropped me off five minutes ago. Still, I stood outside on our small stoop, trying to get my breathing under control. A chill in the air remained, and the overcast skies made it seem later than it really was. The clouds were dark and foreboding, telling that there were more storms to come today. But hopefully not inside.

I'd psyched myself up the entire ride home. Decided how to approach all of the subjects Susie and I had discussed. I just hadn't been prepared to see Meredith's car in the driveway.

At first, I tried to remember if my sister had said she was coming over today. Then I was a little hurt to think Kat might have called her for support. Paranoia started to set in. What was my wife saying about me? What was Meredith sharing?

The longer I stood there staring between the car and the front door, I realized something. I had family here. Kat did not. Kat just had me...my family.

Everyone and everything Kat had known before me was back in Chicago. I'd done that to her. Turned her world upside down. Yes, she had decided we should move halfway across the country, but I was the one who'd suggested it. I'd wanted to offer her a fresh start. Give us a chance to grow our relationship away from the Dannys and Laurens of our past.

While Meredith and Joanie had made it known they were always available for whatever we needed, they had their own lives. Especially since they'd gotten married two years ago. Even before then, though, I had essentially been Kat's only confidant. The one who knew her deepest secrets. Listened when she needed to vent. Offered advice and encouragement. Calmed her fears and told her everything would be all right, even if we both knew it might not be. I was her Brad...

Me storming out earlier meant I'd left her to fend for herself. I knew I'd be okay working out the situation on my own. I'd gotten used to it a long time ago. Kat, not so much.

I'd been so insensitive, so selfish. Without me to lean on, of course Kat would go to the next best person in her time of need. And so she should.

I took and held a deep breath then cautiously opened the door. No one came running at me. No noise greeted my ears. No screaming, crying, or even loud talking. I exhaled slowly. So far so good.

The living room was mostly dark, though the kitchen light was on over the sink. And there were two jackets on the back of the dining room chairs. A distinguishable fedora sat on the table. Meredith had brought reinforcements.

Toeing my shoes off, I slowly crossed the room and headed to the stairway, thankful that we'd kept the carpet in the front part of the duplex. It deadened my footsteps. Though it made me feel like a teenager sneaking back in. Something I'd never done growing up since my parents had enforced strict curfews when we'd lived on the military bases.

"Nice of you to come home."

I screamed and jumped at Joanie's voice. Holding my hand to my chest, I caught my breath and searched the darkness of the living room on my right. There. I saw her eyes peering at me from the couch. A soft rectangle of light raised and then lowered before stopping and going black. Her phone. The table lamp snapped on a second later, revealing my sister-in-law sitting with her legs pulled up under her.

"I would lay into you, but I told my wife I'd reserve that pleasure for her. I'm just here for moral support. Kat's, not yours."

It took a lot of strength to not snap at Joanie. She only knew half of the story, if that. How I managed to keep my voice even, I don't know. But I was being honest. "Thank you for being here for Kat."

A glimmer of surprise flickered across Joanie's face before her downturned mouth and puckered eyebrows returned—her typical "I'm mad at you" expression. She shifted her gaze back to her phone and waved one hand above her head.

Knowing I'd been dismissed, I continued on my way upstairs. With each step, I rebuilt my confidence. Reminded myself that although I'd done what I had out of love, Kat wouldn't see it that way. That I couldn't get defensive if she lashed out. I wanted her to listen to me, so I was obliged to do the same for her...without judgment.

At the top landing, the hall was dark except for a nightlight at the far end. All of the doors were closed. I was reaching for the doorknob on the master bedroom when the nursery door opened. Meredith backed out and softly closed the door again. She jumped when she turned and saw me. Then she frowned.

I gave her a nod and got my right hand on the doorknob this time before she took my left and pulled me backwards. I hissed, "What are you—"

She growled at me and put her finger to her lips then jerked her head in the direction of the stairs.

With a deep sigh, I let her lead me downstairs then out into the garage. Once the door was closed, I let loose on her.

"Whatever you have to say, say it quickly. Because I need to grovel at my wife's feet and promise to do whatever she asks until both of our kids are 18. Only then will I ask for her forgiveness."

Meredith's eyes scrunched up. "When they're 18?"

"Yes... Do you think I should wait until they're 21? Or maybe out of college? Doesn't matter. Whatever age she suggests, I'll do. If only to get back in her good graces because I've been a bitch by keeping her in the dark all these years. I see now that while I thought I was protecting her, she could perceive it as not trusting her."

My sister looked me up and down, possibly taking in my bedraggled image. "On second thought, I think you're giving yourself a pretty good guilt trip on your own. You don't need me. Go see Kat. But keep it down. I just got Essie down for a nap after her third meltdown, and Evan is sleeping in his crib. Your son sure is handling the twos much better than his sister did."

I blinked at the youngest original Swallow. When had she become so mature? I flung my arms around her neck and hugged her tight. It seemed to be the gesture of the day. Fighting back tears, I whispered, "Thank you, Mere, for being here for my family."

"That's what sisters are for," she whispered back, returning my hug. "I love you. Now go, cheer up Kat. She feels miserable for yelling at you."

Back inside, I paused outside our bedroom and took a deep breath. My shoulders felt tight, and my belly seemed a little off. I didn't know what awaited me on the other side of that door, despite what my sister had said.

It felt similar to the time I had come home from the Vegas work trip with Lauren and realized the furniture had been rearranged, the smells of candle smoke and teriyaki still lingering in the air. Kat had surprised me by moving in—not to mention, getting her clitoral hood pierced.

At the time, I'd been apprehensive about a conversation we'd had the week prior where I'd mentioned maybe we should move in together. Her responses had been brief and non-committal. I'd ruminated on them—her lack of physical reactions—throughout my trip. By the time we were headed home, I'd convinced myself that she just wasn't interested in taking that next step, then or maybe ever. To find out she'd gone and done it on her own in my absence? I'd been floored in the best way possible and knew she would never cease to amaze me.

It occurred to me now that I had a habit of suggesting life-altering changes to her, and she'd gotten on board every time despite any reservations. Committing to be with a woman. Living together. Moving several states away. Getting married. Having not only one but two babies. If I ever doubted that she loved me...

"Quit stalling!" Meredith hissed from the stairwell.

I cringed and nodded, although she probably couldn't see me.

Just like that night after I'd sent Lauren packing when she wouldn't take no for an answer, I quietly opened the door. This time, I closed it behind me. The room was dark, but it was light enough outside to see the silhouette of Kat's body lying on the bed. I could hear her slow breathing, as though she was sleeping. She hadn't been that time. Was she now?

Like before, she was on her side, facing way from the door. I held my breath as I padded around the end of the bed, watching to see if Kat would roll onto her back...sit up...say something. But there was nothing at all.

My wife was curled on her right side, the edges of the blanket loosely clutched in her left hand, which she'd tucked to her chest. Her hair was a lovely mess around her head on the pillow. Several tendrils fell haphazardly over her face. She looked so peaceful.

Carefully, I sat on the edge of the bed. Rested my hand on her hip. Felt the gentle rise-and-fall movements her body made with her even breathing.

Watching her sleep was one of my favorite pastimes. It was relaxing, especially if I ran my fingers through her hair or stroked her brow. The best was when we were on the couch with her head on my lap. But in bed, I always got goosebumps when she rolled into my body...snuggled close.

I had been blessed by her...our two children. Why was I willing to risk our relationship by keeping things from her, regardless of the reason?

"Oh, Kitty Kat," I whispered, gently brushing her hair back off her face.

Her cheek was warm, and I could feel a slightly-rough layer of dried tears. I didn't want to disturb her. She could use the rest, especially after the day I had given her. But I also hated delaying my apology any longer. I turned on the nightstand lamp and softly stroked her skin, knowing she'd wake eventually.

Kat's eyelids fluttered open a couple of minutes later. At first, she just stared ahead. But then she closed her eyes and sighed softly while I continued my caresses. I thought maybe she'd fallen back asleep when she suddenly shot upright with a loud cry.

I was still catching my breath from the shock when she yanked me to her and wrapped her arms around my neck, making me grunt.

"Jenna! I have been worried sick about you!" Her breath was hot against my ear. "It's been hours. Where have you been? I didn't know what to do, so I called your sister."

"I'm okay, but I drank too much to drive home."

"I'm so sorry!" she sobbed against my shoulder. "Mere was upset because I was upset. And that upset the kids. Everyone was screaming or crying. Joanie took charge and said we all needed to calm down. You were probably just clearing your head. That I needed to do the same. I should never have yelled at you. You had your reasons. I—"

"Shh. Shh." I rubbed her upper back, holding her as well. "I'm the one who needs to apologize. I was wrong to not tell you. I see that now."

She shook her head. "I overreacted."

"You had every right to."

Her eyes were shiny when she lifted her head and stared at me. She blinked, I blinked, and then she suddenly kissed me, her hands cupping my face.

It was amazing, as usual. I wanted to fall into it...give in to her. I knew it would lead to great make-up sex. But we hadn't fully made up yet. More had to be said. A lot more.

I groaned and regretfully disconnected from her. "No, Kat. We have to talk about this."

My wife stared at me dejectedly, her chest heaving, probably from both crying and our kiss. She ran the back of her hand across her nose and eyes, using her forearm to fling her hair back from her face. As though she knew this might be a long conversation, she propped a pillow between her back and the headboard. With a deep sigh, she clasped her hands in her lap.

I moved to sit closer to her with one leg pulled up under me on the bed, the other hanging off. I wanted to grasp Kat's hands—not only to still my shaking ones but also for courage. Somehow, I resisted. Barely.

The perfect approach I'd thought of on the cab ride home seemed to have evaporated the second our eyes locked again. All that was left in my head was the brutal truth. I might as well just dive in head-first and get it over with.

"I'm sorry, Kat. I should have told you Lauren was harassing me. Part of the reason I didn't was that she wasn't threatening. Just annoying. The other half was that you didn't need that added stress. We had just moved. You had a new job. It was my problem."

"There is no 'your' problem or 'my' problem anymore, hun. It's all 'our' problem, and we handle whatever it is together...as a married couple."

I nodded, feeling a hitch in my breath when I tried to inhale again. She was so right. I closed my eyes briefly when her hand grasped me. Now my gaze was hazy when I looked at her again.

"I thought I could handle it...if I ignored Lauren, she'd go away. Besides, she was focused on me, not you. There had never been any indication she might hurt you to get to me...to hurt me. Not that she intended to hurt you at all when she came out here and stalked me. She had brought the gun to kill herself. A last ditch guilt effort to win me back. It just got out of hand. And none of it could have been anticipated. I'd hurt her feelings when I'd rejected her, sure, but she'd never been violent. Brad said he'd never imagined she'd would do something like that, either."