I Love You from Afar

I lay there awake for another hour, feeling deeply unsettled and heartbroken. I didn't know if she snapped at me in frustration or was genuinely mad at me for disliking her ex, meaning she valued her feelings for him over me in general. That was a kick in the gut. I prayed about it and convinced myself I was being paranoid. I eventually went to sleep, but my energy was lacking the next morning. I got the kids ready for school before reporting to church for confession. Then I left for my mini vacation at the coffee shop.

When I arrived in the parking lot, I was deeply disappointed to discover Chloe wasn't there. Her window seat was empty, so I ordered my tall black and sat there myself. It was a nice seat. It gave me an excellent view of the small downtown area. I leaned my head in my hand and watched birds fighting over a discarded muffin in the parking lot. My heart ached as I thought about my partner. I just didn't understand how she could think so little of me. I never did anything to vex her. I always tried to make things right and treat her well. How did we get to where we were? I wanted to say it was mostly her fault, but I knew that wasn't entirely true. I always overlooked her flaws and hoped for the best. I was a fool, and I think she played me for it. I let out a frustrated sigh and closed my eyes to rest, and soon I was napping.

A few minutes later, I thought I heard someone taking a seat next to me. A pleasant scent surrounded me, and I knew I was dreaming. A warm palm softly caressed the top of my right hand as it rested on the bar. It was an extremely pleasant sensation. I was definitely dreaming. Someone was holding my hand and trailing their soft fingertips over my skin, making me feel extra good. Then I got pinched. My cheek slipped off my left hand, jarring me awake. I jumped, thinking I was falling out of my chair. I thankfully wasn't. I looked to the right, and there she was. Chloe was sitting next to me with a smirk on her coral-pink lips. She was staring at her laptop, typing away on something. I looked at my hand to see fading fingernail indentations on the skin. She had pinched me! I looked at her in shock for a moment, thrilled that she touched me and confused by the pinch. She seemed annoyed by my staring and looked at me with an eyebrow raised. The proximity of her beautiful face and daunting eyes made my shock worse. She tapped the side of her mouth, indicating there was something on mine. I quickly wiped my mouth to discover a bit of drool left over from my nap. That was humiliating. She chuckled, and my heart suddenly felt light. Then I gulped and stared at the parking lot in a bit of a panic. Despite how much I liked the situation, I knew it was bad. I should not be that close to her.

I noticed her giving me curious glances as I tried to figure out what to do. She was probably wondering why I wouldn't speak to her. I needed to leave, but I didn't want to. It was extremely frustrating. Despite everything I was going through at home, I could not betray my spouse and start a friendship with my coffee shop angel. Chloe eventually sighed and picked up her notebook. I could see her writing in it out of the corner of my eye. A second later, she slid another note between us. It simply said, "Are you okay?" My heart ached with gratitude that she was concerned for me. I wanted to thank her for it. Instead, I shook my head, raised my left hand, and pointed at my wedding ring. Then I dared to look at her face. The shock and hurt in her eyes made my heart ache again. She finally knew. A lot of people didn't know some priests could marry, and she was one of them. My bad behavior became more clear to her at that point. I had acted like a creep around her for more than a month despite being committed to someone else. On top of that, I was a church leader and should have known better. I hated to think what she thought of me at that point.

In another moment of panic, I grabbed her note and my pen and tried to explain myself. I wrote, "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable. I have two small children that are wonderful and a spouse that is difficult, but I love her. I admire you, but I can't be your friend for obvious reasons. I am really sorry." She was reading as I wrote. When I finished, she sat there for a moment. Then she gathered up her things and left. My heart shattered as I watched her hurry across the parking lot and escape into her car. I feared I would never see her again after that, and I was suddenly furious with myself and my life. I wanted to punch the window in front of me until it broke or it broke my hand. Anything would feel better than how I felt at that moment. I laid my face in my hands, took a few deep breaths, and started counting. By the time I got to thirty, I didn't feel violent anymore. By the time I got to sixty, I simply felt depressed. It was an improvement. I lost track of time as I sat in the window, hating myself. I looked at my right hand and was able to smile when I remembered Chloe had pinched me. Then I wondered if I had dreamed the part where she was caressing my hand. It felt as real as the pinch, and I wondered what it meant. Had she wanted to touch me like I wanted to touch her? She apparently wanted to be my friend despite my creepiness, or maybe she was just messing with me to get a reaction. Whatever it was, I loved it, and it was likely over after what I told her. My mini vacations were officially over. They would only remind me of my shortcomings and missteps with Chloe. I didn't want to face that every week.

My mood didn't improve for many days after that, but I got on with my life the best I could. My spouse noticed my depressed mood. I'm sure she thought she caused it, and if I were being honest, I would say she did, but I couldn't blame her for everything. I dug the hole I was in by dismissing her bad behavior when we first met. Some people don't improve with age. They get more deviant. She tried to be nicer to me to help my mood, but she still wasn't affectionate, and I had to accept my new reality. Things likely weren't going to get better any time soon. God was testing me, and I deserved it after my many poor decisions. I would still strive to do my best and hopefully be rewarded with peace in the end. I wouldn't make things worse if I could help it. I would face every new challenge that arrived with dignity and Biblical wisdom. That was my goal until I was allowed to rest. That resolution brought me enough peace to get me to another Wednesday.

Instead of hurrying to the coffee shop right after confession, I sat in my jeep in the church parking lot, thinking about how I hurt Chloe. I wasn't sure if I actually hurt her or not, but the look in her eyes made me think I did. I still planned to visit the shop that morning, but I didn't want to feel the disappointment of her not being there. I sighed and forced myself into action, ready to face the fallout. To my surprise, her silver car was in the parking lot. My heart felt relieved to see her sitting at the bar in front of the window again. She wasn't in her normal spot. She was sitting on the opposite side of the bar, farthest away from the door. There were no tables behind her in that area, guaranteeing I wouldn't sit behind her. If I wanted to sit close, I would have to sit beside her, and I wasn't going to do that. I planned to give her plenty of distance, but I would sit where I could see her. Glancing at her was the only indulgence I would allow myself in her presence. She noticed me walking in, but she ignored me after that, and I was okay with it. That was how it should be. I would admire her from afar until she told me not to.

I ordered my tall black and sat at the table in the middle of the shop. It was at least twenty feet away from Chloe. Then I relaxed for the first time in a week. I pulled my laptop out of my leather satchel and started working on my sermon, often stealing a glance at the angel in the window. I couldn't help noticing she looked a little sad, and I feared I had caused it. It was irrational to think I was anything to her after everything that had happened, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was. It didn't matter either way. We couldn't be friends, and that was the end of it. I couldn't help noticing she wasn't playing chess. She was writing something. I wished I could ask her what it was. I pulled my attention back to my laptop and attempted to stop looking at her so often. My stomach filled with butterflies when she gathered up her things and hopped down from the tall chair. The fluttering grew worse as she walked toward my table. She passed me without looking at me, and it was okay. She went to the restroom before she left, and I didn't stare after her as she crossed the parking lot. It would be too obvious. The shop felt dreary without her there. I wrapped up my sermon and reached for my satchel to pack my laptop away. I had left it hanging on the back of my chair. I was surprised to find a note inside it. I grabbed it and opened it. It was from Chloe. She must have dropped it into my bag on her way out. This is what it said.

"You inspired my latest story. If you found my writing page, you know where to find it. I hope you're well. -C"

I couldn't describe the mix of exhilaration and terror I felt at the thought of her writing a story about me. I packed up my things and left the shop with a plan. If I canceled my lunch meeting with the deacons, that would give me a few hours at the house alone since my spouse was volunteering at the kid's school that day. I sent out the cancellation text, saying I didn't feel great and was going to lie down. Once I was home, I locked myself in the guestroom with my laptop. I pulled up Chloe's story page and found a new story post. It was called Confession Pt. 1, Forbidden Love Between College Freshman and Her Priest.

I let out a relieved sigh after reading the subtitle. I was glad it didn't mention anything about a coffee shop and a creepy priest. Okay, I was a little disappointed that it didn't. I dived in and didn't look back. She told a scandalous tale about a college freshman named Zoe that fell in love with her philosophy teacher, who happened to be a widowed priest. She described my features perfectly, making me feel flattered and terrified. I doubted anyone in a million years would connect the story to me, but it was still unnerving. She had created a different reality and put versions of ourselves into it. She created a place where we could be together, and I couldn't begin to explain how wanted it made me feel. It was the most seductive thing I had ever read. I was probably biased because I knew the priest was supposed to be me and Zoe was actually Chloe. The story left me emotionally wrecked and seriously aroused, even after satisfying myself multiple times. I didn't understand how a story could make me feel like that. It was addictive, and I needed to cool down so I could function, or I would have to call out sick from Bible study that night.

I eventually talked myself down from the story high, but thinking about it brought the arousal back. I ended up calling out sick for Bible study after all. It wasn't my proudest moment, but I needed the break. I let my spouse and kids know I was under the weather and just needed some time alone. They gracefully obliged and wished me well before I returned to the guest bedroom to think. I started to write Chloe an email about her story. I wanted to thank her and ask a billion different things, but I kept erasing the email before I sent it. I needed to stick to my guns and keep my silence. Opening myself up to her was too dangerous. Her story revealed her own infatuation with me, and I loved it, but she actually didn't know I was reading her stories. If she knew how obsessed I was with her, it might tempt her to act on her own desires, and in my wayward state, I would let her do anything to me. That thought scared me. I had been secretly fantasizing about it for weeks. Lust had consumed me, and I needed to be careful before it destroyed me.

After reading the story a few more times, followed by a fitful night's sleep, my emotions balanced out because I was exhausted. The secret I shared with Chloe was wonderful, but I couldn't let it consume me. I had bigger problems to deal with. As Sunday evening rolled around, I spied my spouse and her ex, Sean, in the corner of the fellowship hall, deep in conversation. It pained me to see them so engaged with each other. My partner hadn't looked at me like that in years. As I watched them from the hallway door, the jealousy and anger that reared up inside me were almost as sharp as the rage I felt at the coffee shop. I was done with being nice and tiptoeing around people's feelings. I hated the idea of causing a scene, but at that moment, it was all I wanted to do. The fellowship hall was full of people eating supper and chatting as I marched in and approached Sean and my spouse at their table in the corner. They looked at me in concern. I wondered if they sensed my rage. I despised Sean, but I wasn't going to punch him in a room full of people that looked to me for leadership. I ignored him and turned my full focus on my partner, letting her feel the weight of my gaze.

Her brow creased in confusion for a moment. Then her eyes widened as I knelt in front of her and picked up her hands. Everyone in the room turned their eyes on us at that point. I quietly told her that I loved her, trusted her, and wanted her to be happy. I leaned closer to her ear and whispered my plans to lick her pussy until she pulled my hair and begged me to fuck her. Then I kissed her earlobe, being sure to suck on it a little before I drew away. We were both blushing when we looked at each other again. I had been inspired to be more passionate, and it earned me a smile from my partner that I would never forget. She said she was looking forward to it. I gave her a soft kiss on the mouth before I went about my duties, being sure not to give a passing glance to Sean. I felt good for the rest of that evening, and then I caught my spouse staring at me more than once. It was wonderful. I made good on my promise that night. I had learned a few tricks after my extensive reading, and I could hear the difference in my partner's pleasure. Once we were exhausted and ready for sleep, a sudden sense of guilt kept me from drifting off. I had managed to keep my distance from Chloe in real life, but I had lusted after her and indulged in her stories to my heart's content. I had also led her on with my admiration. Then she confessed her admiration of me in an amazing story. I needed to find a way to thank her without leading her on. That was my new goal.

As the week progressed, my partner and I became friends again. We spoke for three hours straight on Monday evening, reconnecting and explaining our behaviors over the past year. It was a bittersweet conversation that we needed to have while we were happy with each other. She confessed to falling out of love with me as I always tried to be a perfect martyr and attempted to fix everything instead of just acting human for five seconds. She said she knew I looked down on her and thought poorly of her mistakes, and she hated it. Every time she tried to be better and get things done, she would get overwhelmed and fail. Then she would see the disappointment on my face, and it would make it a hundred times worse, so she stopped trying to please me. I told her I was sorry for making her feel that way. I was overwhelmed with stress most of the time and was reacting to things poorly because of it. I asked her if she thought about being unfaithful with Sean because of how I treated her. I promised not to get mad at her or resent her if she did. She wore a heartbroken look on her face as she nodded. She confessed to wanting romantic attention from Sean, but she didn't actually admire him beyond that. She said she felt lonely and liked that he was giving her attention. Hearing that hurt me more than I thought it would, and I was in the same boat. I hugged her and told her it was okay. Then I confessed to having similar feelings for someone.

She straightened up and looked at me in astonishment for a moment. Then she asked me to explain. She also promised she wouldn't get mad or resent me for it. My throat felt tight as I told her about the beautiful woman I saw at the coffee shop and how I had yearned to be her friend. I tried to get her attention a few times, but then my good sense returned, and I forbid myself from even speaking to her. I didn't confess my obsession with Chloe's talents to avoid hurting my partner more. It wouldn't be fair. She didn't have a strong reaction to my story. She actually looked relieved. I asked her if she wanted me to find a different coffee shop, and she rolled her eyes and shook her head. She asked if I had ever spoken to the woman, and I confessed to only writing one note to her to tell her I was married and had wonderful kids. My spouse laughed after that, making me smile. She said she always trusted me and found me boring and predictable because of it. We both understood each other better after that conversation. I even understood myself a little better.

The following Wednesday morning, I asked my partner again if she wanted me to avoid the coffee shop. She sighed and told me to stop worrying about it before she started worrying about it. I nodded and gave her an extra long kiss goodbye, eliciting objections from the four-year-old witness at the breakfast table, so I made my exit to avoid upsetting her further. My stomach was fluttering as I pulled into the parking lot and spotted Chloe's silver car. Her beautiful figure was sitting in the front window in her new favorite spot. I sat in my jeep and admired her for many minutes, then I decided to write her another note.

"Chloe, I loved our story. Thank you for writing it. I wish we could be friends in real life, but we can't. I will always admire you from afar... love is a better word, but you have to forgive me for not being able to write it out when I belong to someone else. -G"

I felt nauseous at the thought of giving it to her. It felt like a goodbye note. I had also laid my heart bare, and I feared my life would crumble if anyone besides Chloe read it. The parking lot was fairly empty, so I hopped out of my jeep and stuck the note under Chloe's windshield wiper. Then I hopped back into my jeep and fled the scene like a coward. I wouldn't be going back to my favorite coffee shop for a while. I needed to distance myself from the overwhelming temptation. I hoped Chloe would understand and not be hurt by it. I truly hoped she had a happy life to go home to. We shared something I knew I would never experience again, and it pained me to turn my back on her at that point. I tried to imagine what life would be like if we were friends, but I couldn't. She was too distracting, and I couldn't give her attention without hurting my family. My mind was made up, and my mini vacations were over. Well, for a little while, at least.

I feared I would be depressed after that day, but my home life had dramatically improved, preventing me from falling into despair again. Life actually had a lot of spark for a change, and I was finally enjoying it. A few weeks had passed since I left Chloe a note on her windshield. I hadn't had a chance to visit her story page. Fortunately, my spouse had planned to take the kids to visit their cousins for a few days, leaving me to hold down the fort and the church. I had plenty to keep me busy, not to mention some reading to catch up on.

When the house was finally quiet, I went to the guest room with my laptop and climbed into bed. I pulled up Chloe's story page and smiled to see another installment to Confession. She had written more to our story. I dived in and was instantly seduced. It was a little scary how well she understood my personality despite not actually knowing me. Then again, I had probably revealed a lot about myself by how weird I acted around her. The main characters teased and performed oral sex in the first installment. The second installment focused on the build-up to them actually making love. She planned it perfectly. It was intensely romantic and something I would have considered doing with my partner if she enjoyed the outdoors. I indulged in that story for hours before I finally fell asleep.