I’m Sorry My Love is Not Enough.

Editing performed by, a fantastic writer in his own right, HeyAll. Thank you, sir, for your talent. HeyAll's editing, blame is all mine.

*****

I'm sorry my love is not enough.

Please understand you didn't love me for over ten years. You threw me away. You left with your daughter when I came home, and stayed gone until late. You told me I couldn't go to the store with you, I bought too much. I was tucked back into the corner, in front of my computer, and left there. Over eating and sleepless nights become the norm. It was great that I brought home all that extra money from working overtime every week for over five years. I never got to see it, but you sure were mad when I refused to do it anymore. Didn't stop you from trading in for a new car every couple of years.

The kids are grown and starting their own families. I stayed only because I had the slimmest hope that you would love me again. I stayed too long, and finally couldn't handle the stress causing my breakdown. Never should have texted the kids telling them I love them and you will need them. Police showing up is the only reason I was stopped from eating a bullet that day. The food was horrible in the psych ward.

Yes, I played the game to get out of the psych ward. You betcha all the hopelessness, frustration, and sadness are gone in 3 days. They felt so rewarded as they patted my head and sent me home. I now see counselors for the breakdown I suffered. Well, see in a zoom meeting.

Damn this Covid! Sure, make me sick enough for another week in the hospital. Several days of struggle but each day life continued on. Covid failed to deliver. I do find the counselors reveal tidbits every now and then that surprise me and make me think. But really, how can they be concerned if they only touch base with the crazy guy every six weeks. Who knows, I may eventually become a real person. Not this empty shell that haunts the back corner of the house.

I'm sorry you feel that our marriage is just a game. If you knew anything about me you would know I don't play games. What I say is what I mean. In fact, you get mad because I'm too honest and have no filters. I have always been that way. Why would I suddenly change now?

The cruelest thing you do is ignore me. When I talk to you or get frustrated (what you always mistake for anger), you clam up. Don't talk, don't reason, and don't look at me. Nothing but tears. What does not talking to me mean: you feel sad, angry, hopeless? What does not making any eye contact mean: you feel sad, angry, hopeless? What do those tears mean: you feel sad, angry, hopeless? I have no idea. You won't tell me anything. You won't look at me. Your cruelty makes me feel sad, frustrated, and hopeless.

I can't do this alone. I have been so alone for way too long.

You had me fooled for a couple of weeks. I felt like we were going to actually maybe, possibly, could have been a chance, we could make it. It slipped away so fast, so easily, too easily. Fucking games that I don't know how to play. I tell you nicely, quietly, that what you did made me angry. I don't want to resolve it right now, let me get past the anger. I'll come find you. Again, I didn't sleep all night. It started out so innocently this morning. I tell you I'm sorry, and you gut me. When I respond, you break out the oh so cruel ignore.

It finally hits me. You don't love me enough, or care enough to even talk to me. Well, that's not true, this morning you did say I'm leaving. Not I love you, I'm sorry, or we'll talk about this later. Nope, only I'm leaving. You snort as I say goodbye, meaning I won't be here when you get back.

I can't stand to see the hurt I cause you just being here. I can't stand the pain I see in your eyes every time I say something. You complain you have to walk on eggshells around me. You feel I can get angry at the drop of a hat. Where does all that anger come from? Think it might be the hurt I see, the look of pain in your eyes? Being tossed away and forgotten in a corner for over ten years? The cruelty of being ignored? Is it anger? I don't feel angry. I feel sad, frustrated, and hopeless. There are so many words that would fit so much better than anger. But will it matter? Probably not to you. You see only what you want.

I don't know where I'm going. Don't really care. I'll end up somewhere in the middle of nowhere. You can file for divorce under abandonment, it takes a year. Give it 48 hours to call the police, so you have an official date to start it. Sell the truck, its low mileage and almost paid for. I only go to work and back. Sell the house, the neighborhood has improved enough you might get quite a bit of extra money. I'm sure the neighborhood will be happy the sad angry guy is finally gone anyway.

Whatever is going to make you happy; because, I want you to find happiness. Who knows, they say being homeless can be quite dangerous. We might all get lucky and somebody ends our pain by killing me. Just in case, I left a will leaving it all to you. I don't want a funeral, nobody would come. Waste of time and money. Donate my body to science. Maybe they can figure out my broken heart and damaged soul.

I truly loved you with everything I have. I'm sorry my love was not enough.

Authors note: Depression is a serious disease. Please help anyone important to you that is suffering. Go online and find out what it is and how you can help the one you love. Sometimes the one they love is the only bright spot that keeps him/her living.