I May Be Guilty, but... Beginning

I am a 64 years old psychiatrist, working in one of the largest cities out west. Every week, 3 consecutive days I spend in a clinic, where I see 10-15 patients a day. In addition, 2 days a week I see inpatients at a local hospital. Every month I have a weekend on-call in the same hospital.

About 10 years ago, on a Saturday, I was called to consult on a patient who was admitted with chest pains, but was also noted to be very depressed. By the time I arrived, she was already ruled out for active cardiac disease. I approached her and saw a woman of around 40 - 45 years old with a hospital gown on, her hair undone and no make-up or lipstick. She was silent with her shoulders and head bent in a resigning mode.

I introduced myself and she just looked at me with a hollowed stare.

I said, "I just heard the good news. Your heart is OK and no other abnormal physical findings were found. So your body is in good health. Why don't you tell me if there is anything I may help you with..."

"Doctor, I appreciate you trying to help me, but I don't think you can. My life is a mess right now and it will take too long to explain everything. Do me a favor and prescribe for me anti anxiety medications and I'll be on my way home."

"I'll be happy to do it, but I still need to talk to you before finding out the right medications."

"OK doctor. Ask me anything you want to know..."

"Lady, you are young and seem to be in a good physical shape, but you look tired and not taking care of yourself. Is there anything that happened recently that upset you?"

"I am going through a rough period right now. My mother was just diagnosed with lung cancer and my son is not doing well in college. I think that stress is simply taking over me..."

I sat with the woman for another half an hour to make sure that she wasn't suicidal. I gave her healthy life style suggestions (healthy food diet, reduce caffeine and alcohol intake, exercise regimen, etc) and then I prescribed for her a mild sedative to be taken as needed. I added that if she wanted to discuss other issues, she would be welcomed in my outpatient clinic.

3 weeks later, in the afternoon just before leaving work to go home, I was scheduled to see a new patient. It was really late. My secretary announced the patient's arrival and asked if she could leave. I agreed and she left.

I introduced myself, greeted the patient and asked her to sit down.

She sat and smiled, "Doctor, you don't remember me, do you?"

I looked at her more carefully and realized that it was the same patient I saw in the hospital few weeks earlier... This time the woman looked very different. She looked younger (I'd say around 35 years old), dressed elegantly, with her hair nicely tucked back and soft makeup on her face. She looked much more... attractive.

"It took you some time to recognize me and I do not blame you. Yes, I am the same Debra, but back in the hospital I was too distraught to care about my appearance. I've decided to take your advice and started to change some of my unhealthy habits. I feel better now, but I would like to have several sessions with you. Perhaps you can help me further... "

"Debra, I'll be happy to do my best to help you. Why don't we start by you telling me about your current life and we'll go from there."

"I am not sure where I should start... If you remember from my medical records, I am 46 years old, married and have 2 children. A daughter, who is married and lives in California, and a son who is currently in college in Iowa. I work as an HR supervisor in a large car company. My hours are very convenient and I make good money."

"Everything you said so far suggests excellent potential. So tell me more. For example, What kind of trouble your son has in college?"

Debra, "He is a 20 years old good looking boy who loves to party, drinks alcohol, uses marijuana and perhaps other drugs too. Women are attracted to him like bees to honey and he has no hesitation to take advantage of the situation. About a month ago he asked me for money, because one of his current girls got pregnant and needed an abortion. Well, it was the 3rd time he impregnated a girl. So I became very upset. This young guy has no control! He does not care about prevention and expects me to bail him out every time he screws up..."

"So what happened since that episode?"

"I told him that at 20 I considered him an adult. I bailed him three time and enough is enough! From that point on he was going to be responsible for his own doings. Next time if he needed money for anything that I considered to be his own doing, he should not come to me or my husband! He'd have to work for it, even if it meant that he'd have to quit his studies! I said it firmly and when I finished, my son looked scared and promised me that he'd try to behave from that point on. I reminded him that I loved him, but nice words won't change anything. Last I saw him he seemed very determined to improve his ways. I hope..."

"Good! And how's your mother doing after the cancer was discovered?"

"Her doctor thinks that they caught it early. Mother underwent all kind of tests that did not show metastases to other organs. A week ago she had surgery to remove the mass and the surgeon claimed that it was a localized tumor. It was removed completely during partial lobectomy. He recommended to have series of radiation to the chest, just in case..."

"How does your mother feel now?"

"She is in a good mood... She is saying that at her age of 68, if God decided that it was her time to go, she'd accept it, knowing that her family can do very well in life even without her around. But she is mostly encouraged by the idea that the cancer was removed early and completely."

I smiled, "I like to hear that the news is encouraging for both your mother and son. This explains why you look so much better today than last time I was talking to you..."

Debra blushing, "Back in the hospital the last thing on my mind was taking care of my appearance. I had constant chest pain and I felt that I was choking. Now these 2 symptoms are gone."

"Until now you told me about your work and children. Can you tell me a little about your husband and your relationship with him?"

Debra, "Actually, this is the main reason I am here today. Jerry is a good man. He loves me and everybody else in the family. The problem I see in our relationship is... that it keeps deteriorating... I am no dummy, I did not expect everything to stay perfect, but some issues better be solved before it's too late!"

"Does your husband know that you are here today? Usually it is better to solve marital difficulties when both sides are committed to try and make things better."

Debra, shily, "I know. I tried to be gentle when I mentioned to him that a marriage counselor or a psychologist may help, but he'd rather I go by myself. I know I am not perfect... Sometimes I get too emotional, other times I talk too much, or I can be too domineering... Jerry is very easy going, gentle, somewhat submissive and a heavy smoker. He works in a steel factory as a simple employee and his salary is much lower than mine. The way I see it, our current problems include his heavy smoking, especially now that my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer... The deteriorating... intimate contact we have with each other is a big issue!"

"You said that he is a good guy. Can't you convince him that his smoking may cause more harm to your mother and potentially even deny her successful recovery?..."

"Jerry understands it very well. He tried quitting cold turkey, all kinds of patches & tablets and even acupuncture, but nothing worked for him."

"Did he try hypnosis? I have treated with hypnotherapy several patients who failed other methods. For most of them the treatment showed success that lasted years."

Debra staring, "No. He didn't try it."

"It may be a good idea to try it then... Now, can you elaborate more about the deteriorating intimate contact you mentioned before?"

Debra, "We started going out when I was 18 years old. Back then Jerry could not stop touching me and there were times we were having sex 3 times a day. We even participated in wild sex parties. Nowadays, he is obviously older, usually comes home late and tired. The smoking does not help either. In the last 6 months I was the only one to initiate sex. On multiple occasions, especially when he came home earlier and in better mood, I tried, but only 2 times he was able to sustain an erection successfully. Desperate of all the failed attempts, he is now trying to find excuses to avoid it all together. Both of us are frustrated with the situation, but we do not know what to do about it..."

Me, "As you said, the smoking does not help, that's for sure. But aging process is something that affects everybody. However, these days there are several newer options to improve sexual function in men. Do you know if he tried them?"

Debra, "If you mean Viagra or similar medications, I am not sure. Twice I tried to convince him to use Viagra, but he never gave me a straight answer. Tell me doctor, you are probably the same age as my husband, so how are you coping with similar issues?"

Smiling, "Unfortunately, my wife died many years ago in a car accident. I haven't married since... I have not confronted this problem. Yet..."

Debra embarrassingly, "I am so sorry... And I took too much of your time already."

"Oh, don't worry, it is only 5:30. My plan is to eat dinner at a restaurant near my house and then watch TV until I am tired and go to sleep."

Debra chuckling, "Funny, my evening plans are similar. I go home to eat a small dinner, then I watch TV until 9 pm, when Jerry comes home. I serve him his meal and then he goes to sleep. I may watch another soap opera and go to sleep around 11 pm..."

"Debra, you see me as a therapist, so it may not be exactly ethical, but since the 2 of us are going for a meal and neither one of us has a better company, how do you feel about joining me to a dinner in a small homey restaurant in my neck of the woods?..."

Debra hesitating, "Doctor, it is flattering that you invite me to a dinner... I hate to spend another evening by myself, but I took too much of your time already..."

Winking, "Debra, don't be silly. I promise not to charge you for the extra time in the restaurant... And I'll be happy to talk to a nice lady about any subject you want, provided it's not work related."

"Well, if you are sure that it won't be too much of a bother, I am in... You drive your car and I'll follow you in mine."

Me, smiling again, "Yes boss!..."

Debra laughed loudly, "Sorry, I am used to run things both at work and in my house... I promise not to do it with you again!"

We drove to a small Italian restaurant. I usually ate there once a week and the owner (a 75 years old with a big beer-belly) knew me well. We liked to joke, mostly about Italy ('most Italians are lazy bums...') and food ( 'Italian food is the best in the world').

The owner met us at the door, "I see that you have a pretty lady with you this evening..."

"Yes and her name is Debra."

The owner, addressing Debra, "Lady, if I were you, I wouldn't trust this guy. He is close to 80 years old, has no money and he does not work much. Please consider me instead... I am only 43 years old and I exercise everyday... That's why I look like Valentino! I promise to prepare for you the best food ever! BTW, I do not have a car, but can afford a donkey..."

Debra, laughing her heart out, "Sir, I promise to consider your offer and give you my answer very soon..."

The owner sat us in a nice isolated corner and never bothered us again during the meal.

Debra and I were in a good mood. We found out that both of us like similar foods (Minestrone soup, pasta and seafood) with good Italian wine, ending it with a large piece of Tiramisu.

During the dinner we talked about TV & books we've read lately, and found out that both of us wanted to travel more often.

The time passed very fast.

At one point Debra looked at her watch and jumped off her chair, "It's already 8 o'clock! Jerry will be home in an hour. I need to go home and prepare his meal. Doctor, it was very nice to talk to you... How do you think we need to proceed from now on?"

"Debra, in the last few hours I completely forgot that we started as a doctor and a patient... I'll tell you what - Try convincing Jerry to see me about hypnotherapy to quit smoking. But YOU can see me whenever you feel like it about anything! In the meantime, unless you think that you are really desperate for psychotherapy, call me David..."

Debra hesitating, "David, there is so much I don't know about you... but my gut feeling is that you are a good person... BTW, tell your friend, the restaurant owner, that I appreciate his generous offer, but, I'd probably still choose you..."

She winked at me and left the restaurant.

Minutes after her departure, the owner joined me and said, "David, you have been without a good woman for too long. This one is pretty, smart and I saw that you guys were enjoying your time together. Take her before she finds somebody else!"

I smiled, "I'll think about it..."

I didn't mention that she was already married and tomorrow she might forget all about me...

For 3 days after meeting Debra, I was still thinking about her... Often...

A week has passed and I haven't heard from her.

On a day that my last patient ended at 4:30 pm, my secretary let me know that somebody was on the phone for me.

I answered with my office phone. It was Debra.

"Hi doctor. I hope you are not very busy now..."

"Nice to hear your voice again, but unless it's an urgent call related to a psychiatric emergency, I'd rather you call me David!"

Debra, "David, I wanted to see you again... BTW, I cheated a little bit. I called your office to find out your schedule, pretending to look for a late appointment. Your secretary said that this afternoon you'd be free to see me after 4:30 pm... Last time you were very nice to invite me to dinner, so what do you say if this time I invite YOU to a restaurant I like... Unless you have already booked a date with another gorgeous lady..."

"Debra, I am not seeing any woman these days. I would love to have another dinner with you! On one condition - I pay for the meal..."

Debra laughing on the phone, "I invite you to dinner and you wish to pay?! Why?..."

"I make a ton of money. I do not have a family to support. My needs are simple, so I spend very little... More importantly, among the 2 of us, I am 'THE MAN'!!!..."

Debra chuckling again, "OK. This evening you are the boss. You wish to pay and I accept... But for future reference, I make good money and I can easily afford a good dinner..."

Debra took me to a Thai restaurant. The inside was fairly dark. There were 3 other couples eating quietly.

"I haven't eaten in a Thai restaurant for ages... I used to go to one when my wife was alive..."

Debra, "I like the 'Shrimp Royal', different tempuras and their excellent eggrolls."

"I'll take your word for it. I'll order the Shrimp Royal and Crab Rangoon."

Debra, "I'll have vegetable tempura and an eggroll. Let's order a white wine too, please."

While waiting for our food, Debra told me that she discussed my hypnotherapy suggestion with Jerry. He did not answer positively yet, but she thought that eventually he'd warm up to it.

I glanced at Debra in the darkened room. She looked great! Certain details I filled with my imagination... But I liked her pretty small face, high cheekbones, full lips that were accentuated by red lipstick... Her shirt was slightly open, showing a hint of cleavage. I liked everything about her...

"You look beautiful tonight. Thank you for inviting me to dinner..."

Debra (Was she blushing?...), "I like you too... In addition to helping me with my health issues, I found out that you are very pleasant to talk to... For such a long time I was worried about my family, that I did not keep in touch with old friends. I am fairly lonely these days..."

"Debra dear, I am not sure if this is supposed to be a hint, but I would be happy to talk to you anytime you wish, go with you to a restaurant or a movie, stroll in a nearby park, your choice..."

Debra whispering (teary eyed???), "I would love it..."

The food arrived right on time.

We both ate slowly. We didn't talk. Every now and then we just stared at each other...

After paying, I helped Debra put the coat on, kissed her cheek and told her to call me on my cellphone whenever she felt like it. If she still wished to spend time with me, I'd give her my future schedule and we'd plan something together.

The next 3 nights I was thinking about Debra most of the time.

But she was my patient... What was I doing???...

She was married for God sake, so David, fuck off!!!...

HOWEVER, Debra was so vulnerable... and attractive!...

She called me on the 3rd day, asking if we could go see a movie that just came out.

"Of course! Can we do it tomorrow afternoon? I can postpone my afternoon appointments. We'll go to the 4:40 pm show together, so you'll be able to be home before 8 pm."

Debra whispering, "You are so nice... and I really like you..."

I smiled to myself. I may be crazy to become too close to this wonderful lady! But I was hooked...

The next day we met in front of the theater.

This was the first time I saw Debra dressed, how should I describe it - 'Very feminine way'... Her hair was free to reach her bare shoulders. She had a button front black sleeveless blouse, short white skirt and a 3" high heels. With these shoes she was almost my height...

Admiringly, "I was supposed to meet here a woman by the name of Debra. Who are you pretty lady may I ask?..."

Debra smiling, "My name is Debbi... Nice to meet you Sir!"

I bought tickets and noticed that most of the seats were still available.

I chose 2 attached seats toward the back of the theater on the right side.

I took the left seat and Debbi sat to my right.

Debbi, "I hope you'd like the movie. I'd hate to see you disappointed..."

"Woman, by now you should be able to realize that I like your company... The movie is just a lame excuse..."

Debbi smiled and leaned her head against my chest.

I put my hand around her shoulder and caressed her hair.

When the lights dimmed and the pre-movie commercials were displaying on the screen, Debbi turned her head in my direction and stared at my face. I looked at her pretty face too... And then I gently kissed her.

She continued looking at me.

I said, "Debbi, I am trying my best to be a gentleman, but if you continue tempting me, I might misbehave!..."

Debbi whispered in my ear, "I think I want you to misbehave..."

I pulled her body gently toward me and kissed her again. This time her lips were open to me and our tongues joined together in a dance. At first I held her face against mine, but with no resistance on her part, my hand slipped to her neck and later to her chest...

Underneath the shirt Debbi had a soft bra without padding. Her breast felt soft and accepting to the touch...

I massaged her ample breast, feeling her nipple hardening...

Debbi was moaning against my mouth. She put her hand on my thigh and squeezed it.

My cock, that was neglected for a VERY long time, woke up!... It was pushing against the fabrique of my pants, making me very uncomfortable...

I tried to stretch and rearrange my boner with my other hand.

Debbi noticed my predicament. She stopped kissing me, "David, I can help..." I didn't answer.

She unzipped my pants, freed my now fully erect cock from it's cage and whispered, "It's so big and hard. Is it all because of me?... I wish I could tell you that I am sorry, but I am not!..." Smiling mischievously, "How can I help you with your 'HARD' problem?..."