I Still Love You

"Okay. You win. I'll play the counseling game."

"It's not a game, George. Take it seriously. Hell, it's obvious that you still love her. I saw the look in your eyes when she walked in. You wanted to run to her and hug her. Like I told you months ago, counseling may work out to be the best thing for you."

"Just tell them I'll do it. Make her pay for it because she wants it." He walked out frustrated and knew that the lawyer was right.

He wondered if he would ever stop loving her.

Later, George was talking to his son, "How did it go, Dad?"

"Horrible. They smacked me on the nose with a newspaper for all of my preparations and my lawyer forced me to do counseling."

"You're finally going to try to work it out then? You know you've been miserable for months. I can't believe you were able to act normal in front of Mom."

"Son, you'll learn someday that you can't just shut love off. We started dating so young, she's the only one I've ever loved. You know we were high school sweethearts."

"I know, Dad. That's why it's really hard to understand you splitting up."

"I know. I've questioned myself every day since I caught her. There's an old adage that goes 'will you be happier with her, or without her,' and I'm certain I'd be happier with her. I love her so much, but she's backed me into a corner by having an affair and I don't know how I can fight to get out."

"Maybe the counseling will help, Dad. Maybe talking it through will allow you to find your way out of that corner. I know mom loves you and she is a wreck without you."

"I know. She looked like hell, but how could she do this to me? To us?"

"I don't know, Dad. I do know she won't be messing with Mr. Daly anymore."

"Why's that?"

"Well, Mom told me that she had broken it off with him a couple of months ago. Which was way before you went on vacation by the way. Last week I called her and she sounded more upset than normal. I pressed her to tell me what was wrong, I figured it was just more divorce issues. She told me Mr. Daly was trying to get her to start up with him again now that you're splitting up. She said that he got a bit aggressive, but she was able to get away."

"Did he hit her? I'll kill him."

"No, she implied that he tried to take her forcefully though."

"Mother fucker!"

"Dad, don't worry. It's handled."

"What happened?"

"I stopped by Mr. And Mrs. Daly's house last week. She's a nice lady, I feel bad for her. Anyway, she let me in and when he walked into the room, I put a beat down on him. He never even got a punch off."

"No way?" George said with a smile.

"Yeah. Turns out he's a pussy. Anyway, Mrs. Daly tried to stop me; that is until I told her what he did. Then she started kicking him in the balls as he laid on the floor. I guess she doesn't like him forcing himself on women either."

"Well, nice work, Son. You saved me from the next part of my plan, which was kicking his ass. I appreciate you sticking up for your mother, but if you get in that situation again, make sure you bring some backup."

"I understand."

Two weeks later, they had their first counseling appointment. When he walked into reception, she tried to talk to him and he stopped her. "I'm not here for conversation."

She broke down in tears and he sat and surfed the internet.

Once they were in the session, the counselor asked George to explain what brought them there. She already knew they were divorcing and there was infidelity, but now it was the time for details.

"No, Doc. She caused this, let her explain why we're here."

"Alright. Pennie, please go ahead," Dr. Marks said.

Pennie took a moment to compose herself, then started. "I literally have no reasonable explanation for what I did."

George sighed loudly.

"George, you wanted her to start," Dr. Marks chastised.

George motioned with his hand for her to continue.

"I was like a frog in boiling water. Our neighbor had been flirting with me and seducing me for years. I didn't even realize it was a seduction until I looked back at it.

At every party, at every barbecue, he slowly worked me. He was the master of the soft sell. He never made overt advances, he never touched me inappropriately, and never tried to get me alone.

Eight or nine months ago, my sister and I went out for drinks. We ran into my neighbor Stewart and one of his friends. His friend and my sister were both single, hit it off and eventually left together. They're still dating, actually.

It wasn't a big deal to leave me with Stew; he was our neighbor. It made sense that he would give me a ride home. He was supposed to be safe.

We didn't kiss, we didn't dance and grind on each other, we didn't touch at all. We simply had some drinks and talked.

When he drove us home he pulled into his garage and even left the garage door open. As I walked around the back of the car, he met me at the trunk. I thought he was going to give me the usual goodbye hug, but he kissed me. Passionately. I don't know why, but I melted into his arms."

George shook his head.

"After a few moments of kissing, he led me by the hand, without saying a word, into the house. It seemed like only seconds later, that my pants were off and I was in his bed with him pounding into me. There was no foreplay, no testing my wetness, he just drove into me and took me.

It didn't even occur to me to ask where his wife was until it was over. He said that she was with one of her lovers. They apparently don't care who each other screws.

After he finished, he went to the bathroom. I quickly dressed and left. When I got to my house, I stood at the door and cried. I'd never felt so ashamed in my life."

She broke down and cried as George looked on with an anger-tinted look of sadness. Dr. Marks handed her some tissues and waited for her to compose herself.

"Never once did I not love you, George. I love you as much today as I did on our wedding day."

George wanted to lash out but he held back. Dr. Marks looked as if she were going to speak.

"George, how do you feel about what you heard."

"How do I feel? Well, that's all a big bunch of bull shit."

"Why, is that?" Dr. Marks asked.

"She described a slow burn that led up to a one-night stand. The affair went on for several months. I only watched her for two weeks and they met four times. Doesn't sound like she was ashamed or that she loved me."

"I swear, George. I love you so much. I had to continue. He blackmailed me. He told me that he would tell you if I didn't continue."

"Then why did you end it?" He asked.

"I'm an idiot. I kept doing it up until I realized that I had leverage on him too.

One day, he said we had to finish quickly so he could beat his wife home. That's when it hit me. They didn't have an open marriage. I couldn't believe I was so stupid."

"No, you wanted to keep doing it. You wanted him to fuck your ass."

"No, I swear. I bought those things to stretch me out because it hurt me so much when he did it. He was really rough with me."

"It's too bad I don't believe you. You're a college-educated woman with a grad degree. You're practically a doctor for Christ's sake. I don't believe you wouldn't have come to me if you were being blackmailed."

"It's true. You may not believe it but it's true. I couldn't risk losing you."

"We're out of time for today," Dr. Marks said. "For next week we're going to start by basically telling me your love story. I want to know about your early years."

George nodded and left as Pennie chased after him. "George, wait. Please!"

"What Pennie?"

"I'm sorry. I really am. You don't know how horribly I feel."

"Sure I do. It's half as horrible as I feel. I'm not buying your little story there. You may have gotten away with that cop-out answer with the doctor, but I'm not accepting it. You made a choice to go to bed with him. You were thirty feet away from our house. You could've walked away, but you chose to go into his house."

"I don't know..."

"Just stop it, Pennie. I'm only doing this because my lawyer urged me to do it. Until you are fully honest in there, we have less than zero chance of ending the divorce."

"George, I know it bothers you that he did my...um, back door and I wouldn't let you. I really only did it because he forced me to do it. He said that if he can't get it from his wife, he'll get it from me. I really think that's why he blackmailed me into continuing it. He wanted more - in my back door."

He shook his head and walked away.

In the next session, Dr. Marks had George talk about their early years first.

"I really liked this girl, Camille, sophomore year. We were friends and got along awesomely. She was dating a real ass and didn't see him for what he was. Well, one day she finally saw the light and they broke up. We talked even more after that and I was trying to work up the courage to ask her out. I took too long and someone beat me to it. When I asked her why she would go out with that guy, she said it was because I didn't ask her. I was crushed.

Pennie saw me in the cafeteria afterward and noticed I was looking sad. We knew each other but weren't close friends at the time.

I told her what happened and she said that she was glad I was too slow because she wanted to go out with me.

I was shocked. Pennie was one of the beautiful girls. One of the cool kids. One of the alphas. She was out of my league.

I shook off my shock and we started going out. We dated all through the rest of high school. After that, we went to college together. It was magical to me. We liked a lot of the same stuff, she turned me on to 90's country music, I turned her on to 80's hair metal, it was like we were made for each other."

A tear slid down his cheek, thinking of all of their younger years.

He continued, "We never argued. You may not believe that, but I can't remember any serious disagreement until we were married."

Pennie nodded her head in agreement.

"I loved her so much, I would've done anything for her and later for our son. When she got sick when Zack was little and had to have surgery that took her lady bits out, I didn't feel sad for not being able to have more children. I loved her more because she was so crushed about it.

When she developed and then was diagnosed with depression a decade or so ago, I took every mood swing she threw at me. There were some pretty low lows that she needed to be held through and I did that for her. There were fights over nothing, name-calling, and I was even hit twice. I took it all because I loved her and had to be there for her. I worried for months until they were able to get her medicine right, that she would take her own life."

"You never told me that," Pennie said. "Now it makes sense why you would call me for no reason during the day, and you know I felt horrible about my outbursts."

"I know. Why do you think I didn't act out on them? I knew it was because of depression. I just brushed it off and took it all. Those days were so hard for me. I never told you, but I saw a therapist at that time."

"Why, George?" Pennie asked.

"Well, according to Dr. Schmidt, I had issues coping. I saw him for 4 months. I didn't think it was helping much so I stopped."

Dr. Marks frowned at that.

There was more storytelling by both until the hour was up.

Dr. Marks said, "I'm giving you a sort of homework assignment. In your recollection, George, you mentioned her turning you onto 90's Country, and you turned her onto 80's Hair Metal. Pennie, I want you to find one Hair Metal song that puts into words your feelings right now for George and one song that described your feelings before your affair. George, do the same with 90's Country for both then and now."

George asked, "Why doc? It seems stupid to me."

"Sometimes words someone else wrote can express your feelings as much as your own words can. This exercise could also have been from a poem or a book, but I think music would be good for you two."

They made their goodbyes and left separately.

George struggled to pick the right songs. As he read through lyrics and listened to songs his eyes would moisten. He did settle on two eventually and it caused him to doubt his divorce action even more. "Smart Doctor," he thought. "This reaction is exactly what she wanted."

Pennie knew immediately which songs to pick. The ones that were exactly what she wanted happened to be a couple of his favorite songs. Pennie hoped this exercise would move them closer to going back.

George had softened. Spending an entire night listening to songs that spoke of his feelings for her almost broke him. He almost called her and called off the divorce. He had the phone in his hand and was going to hit her number when his son called to check in with him.

He changed his mind after the short call. It was nothing they talked about that caused it. His pride simply crept back up during the delay.

In the next session, Dr. Marks had George name the song that described his love before the affair and recite from it what spoke of his feelings then.

"I chose 'I Swear' by John Michael Montgomery.

The verse I guess would be:

Cause I'll stand beside you through the years

You'll only cry those happy tears

And though I make mistakes

I'll never break your heart"

Pennie started crying. Dr. Marks asked, "Pennie what is your song."

"I chose this song because it reminds me of that first day in the cafeteria. It's 'To Be With You' by Mr. Big.

The lines go:

Why be alone, when we can be together baby?

You can make my life worthwhile

I can make you start to smile"

George was looking out the window wrestling with his emotions and barely registered when he was asked to name the other song that described his feelings now.

"I chose 'Wish I Didn't Know Now' by Toby Keith.

The lines are:

I've always said what I don't know

Couldn't hurt as bad as leavin' you

Turns out I knew what I was thinkin',

It ain't an easy thing to do"

"What does that line mean to you, George?"

"It means knowing she cheated and leaving her hurts worse than not knowing."

Pennie still had a tear falling down her cheek when it was her turn.

"I chose 'Still Lovin' You' by The Scorpions.

George put his head down. He knew the song well and that it was about the partner that caused the pain trying to get a second chance.

"The lines I chose are:

If we'd go again

All the way from the start

I would try to change

Things that killed our love"

George knew the next lines and couldn't bear to hear them.

"Yes, I've hurt your pride, and I know

What you've been through

You should give me a chance

This can't be the end"

Before Dr. Marks could comment, George stood up and said, "I'm sorry, I have to go."

He rushed out of the office and sat in his car. Her song hit him right between the eyes. He knew it was his pride that was getting in the way. He put the song on iTunes and played it over the radio as he sobbed.

He hated that he was crying over her, in his mind a real man wouldn't cry for the loss of a cheating wife? He would burn her to the ground. He tried to do that and didn't even burn her right, he screwed that up too.

He sat up and wiped his face with his sleeve. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and exhaled. When they opened he saw Pennie standing in front of his car crying.

Every time she thought that she had cried herself out since being served, she found herself crying again.

She walked over to his door and opened it. With tear-streaked cheeks, she begged, "Please give me a chance."

He looked at her and reached out for her hand. Even in tears, she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.

As she took his hand, he got out of the car and said, "I love you so much. How could you do this to us. To me?"

"It was the biggest mistake of my life. It kills me that I've caused you to hurt so badly."

"How can I ever trust you again?"

She hugged him and said, "Because I know what it feels like to lose you and I never want this feeling again. I promise it will never happen again."

"You didn't live up to the promise that you made on our wedding day."

"I know and I can't ever change what I've done. Please forgive me for breaking my vows. You'll never regret it."

"When I said for better or worse, I guess this would certainly apply."

She hugged him tighter and whispered into his chest, "Will you please come home? I love you and I miss you so much."

"I love you too, and I promise you, that I will love you forever."

She kissed him and said, I almost chose that song."

"Forever by CJ Anthony?"

"Yep."

"I love him, but he's not Hair Metal."

"I love you and I don't care. Let's go home."