All Comments on 'Idle Hands Ch. 01'

Hello, All.

First of all, sorry about the mislabeling. This should actually say Chapter Two, rather than Chapter One.

Second, people who want to buy the full anthology can find it on Smashwords, under the title "The Succubus," under my pen name, Alana Church, or on my personal website, www.AlanaChurch.com.

Hope you enjoy!

was at such a perfect point for just the shock value and realization for Rachel. :) Loved it.

Very nice! And now to check out the website.

What a unique and refreshing take on the conventional 'succubus' sub-genre. Very well done from a technical standpoint, IE: grammar, sentence structure, etc.

A few minor spelling mistakes, but minor. The one suggestion I would make hs to do with dialogue formatting. I can't say it is consistent, as I only recall one incident, because the incorrect formatting, (punctuation, really), did what it can; confused me as to who was speaking, and I had to go back, and re-read it, a couple times, to get the passage sorted.

It was when Rachel and a law partner, (Ben?), where talking about the negotiated settlement.

When formatting dialogue, and one character's speech goes to a second paragraph, the next paragraph does not start with an 'begin' quote. It should have no punctuation.

This signals the reader, the same character is speaking.

So, in the scene I referenced, above, between Rachel and Ben, after Rachel explains the settlement details, a new paragraph of dialogue begins, and starts with a 'opening' quotation mark. The sentence was 'Now, let's talk about my future with the firm.'

Because I was following the punctuation 'signs of the road', I thought been what speaking. I couldn't recall if he was the same character who was warned by Rachel to not count chickens before they were hatched, right after the settlement.

That was his first appearance as a character, so he wasn't established in my mind, so as I read the 'Now let's talk...' sentence, which seemed incongruent, I initially thought, 'NOW the money's happening, ol' Ben's gonna retire.'

Thicking further, my next thought was, 'That's out of left field, where the hell is Glaze goin' wi' this?

Then, I checked quotes to see if I misread the 'road sign'. Then decided to read the next passage to see if THAT would clear up my confusion. Evidently it did, (I can't recall the next sentence or three), because I then went back, skimmed the settlement explanation, then read the sentence in question, and thought, 'OH! NOW is makes sense.'

I took the time to walk you through my internal conversation, to make a point. The punc error was minor, and many people might not even notice it, and move on. Some of us, will get hung up on something so trivial.

The affect is has is 15-20 seconds of confusion, stopping the flow of your work, re-reading to seek clarification, then either moving on, if no understanding is accomplished, or a cold start with the next passage; leaving behind the emotion, and momentum of the words you may well have agonized over, and re-written a half dozen times, (or you just zipped it as, on a roll).

Regardless of your writing stress level at the time of creation, the final outcome was great, the WORDS were good, perfect even, in the situation. It's that damn little quotation mark, which caused the problem.

But, for something so small, and seemingly minor, it's inaccurate use or lack of use can create a writers' cardinal sin: confusion in their reader. (In came from on high, when writing for others was first created, "Thou shalt not confuse your reader(s), damn it!" LOL

So, pack away the rule about quotation marks when a character's dialogue spans paragraphs, and remember what was spoken in the creation day of 'The Writer', and you'll be fine.

Just for 'the fun' of it, look up the proper usage of quotation marks in this dialogue situation, as both a memory fixation process, for you, and to check how the prior block of dialogue is supposed to be ended, punctuation-wise. I THINK it is supposed to be a 'close quote', but I'm real tired, and wouldn't bet money, on either option. Blame it on an old man't fuzzy memory « me!

Re: chapter numbering

I thought it was quite novel, surprising Lit got it right, they seem to screw up chapter order, given the slightest of provocation! LOL

thanks for sharing this unique, and delightful tale; I'm quite curious how Rachel's gonna react.... So, I off to find out.

GeoD

Excellent writing that had my compete attention.