Idolatria Ch. 04

"Jeez, you - you scared me," I said.

Levi's expression was clear and placid. I noticed he was holding my jacket now, and wearing his own with the scarf knotted back around his neck. He held my jacket out to me. I took it.

"Thanks," I said, my voice somewhat stiff.

Levi's brow was furrowing. "Are you okay?"

I pulled my jacket on, weighing my response. "I... don't know," I mumbled.

"Do you want me to find another way back to my place?"

I blinked. "What?"

Levi pushed off from the wall, scuffing the carpet, cradling both our books under his arm. "If you'd rather not be alone with me in your car, I can get back on my own."

"Wh - no," I said quickly. "No. I can take you home. It's fine."

"Ash, I don't want to make you more uncomfortable."

"I'm not uncomfortable," I said, not altogether sure if I was lying or not. I walked out, fishing in my jacket for my keys and only checking for a second to see that Levi was keeping up with my brisk gait.

The conversation stopped there. Levi and I sat quietly in the car on the ride back, a kind of chilly silence settled between us. I had put the radio and the heater on, and yet both of them seemed drowned out by the unspoken something between us.

Until, halfway there, Levi suddenly snorted into his hand.

"What?" I asked.

Shoulders juddering with laughter, Levi shook his head. "It's just... God, Ash, you fucking ran!"

My ears burned. "Oh - come on, it's not that funny!"

"It's pretty damn funny. You should have seen it, your legs were flailing."

"Well, what was I supposed to say to that, Levi?" I said weakly.

"Nothing, if you don't want to," he replied simply.

"Come on."

"I mean it. You didn't have to say anything."

I chewed my lip. "So... what, you said it just to get a rise out of me?"

"Of course not. You wanted me to be honest with you. Besides... I don't need to lie to make you blush."

"Probably because you're so vulgar all the damn time."

Silence lapsed around us again. I focused on the radio for a while, realized it was on the Christian rock station I liked, and instinctively switched it to the second preset. Alternative. On Sundays, they played unplugged versions until the afternoon, which wasn't quite enough to drown out my thoughts, but I settled for it.

"Why don't you ever tell me no?" said Levi, cleaving the quiet.

"I... 'no' what?"

"No to anything. No, you don't want me to be attracted to you. No, you don't like how I talk to you. No, you don't want me to come on to you. You've never told me no."

I gripped the steering wheel, shoulders bunching. "Well, Levi, I... I didn't really think telling you would make you stop-"

"You don't think saying 'Levi, I don't like you doing this' would make me cut it out?" he asked me pointedly.

"I didn't... really think about-"

"Ash," he said wearily. "Being into guys doesn't make me a rapist. I'm not aroused by your unease."

I didn't have anything to say to this. Instead, I focused on the street signs. We were already approaching Downing street. "Is um... Is your store down that way?" I asked. "Or are you going back to your place?"

Levi sighed through his nose and ran his hands back through his hair. "My apartment is over the shop, it's on Downing. Just drop me off at the corner."

I pulled up where I had picked Levi up that morning. My chest was thrumming with a curdled mix of emotions, to the point that I couldn't tell what any of them were supposed to be. But just then, staring past Levi as he unbuckled himself, down the empty street, I had a strange compulsion.

Levi was looking back at me, his expression serious. "Ash, listen-"

Too late. I hit the gas and made the turn down Downing.

Levi slipped in his seat, grabbing the door handle for support. "What are you doing?"

"I... just wanna see your store. How far down is it?"

"Ash, for fuck's sake, has it ever occurred to you to curb your curiosity for one second?"

"I want to know why you're so secretive about it," I snapped. "You know I'm gonna find out anyway."

"Not now!" he said, exasperated. "You - Ash, not when we're talking about this. This is a little more important."

"Which store is it?" I prodded him. A grin was starting to eat at the corners of my mouth. I could finally fluster him back for once.

"Ahh!" he groaned, pressing his hands back over his scalp. "The one with the black awning. There."

Truthfully, as soon as I saw it, I realized I could probably have figured out which storefront was his. It was the only one with a solid wood awning rather than tattered fabric, and all of the outside features seemed new, cleaned, or updated - the front door, the old brickwork, the wide window... As I pulled up, it was mostly this window that grabbed my attention. Not that there was much to see. All it displayed was a wall covered in patterned black fabric, in front of which was a single featureless mannequin with a fabric body and wooden, jointed head and limbs. This mannequin seemed to be the only thing advertised, wearing nothing but what looked like a climbing harness, a dog collar, and a pair of matching bracelets... Except that they were all made of metal rings and black leather. I looked from this oddity to the carved wooden sign over the awning.

"The Tannery," I read aloud. "Custom... What does that say? In the small print."

"Dammit, Ash, will you listen when I talk to you? Forget the store," Levi implored me. He turned towards me in his seat, leaning forward, his eyes somehow... pleading. "You need to tell me," he said, "in no uncertain terms, how you feel about this. Ash, I can't in good conscience think about you this way with the possibility that it isn't wanted. I can read your body and your face, but I need your voice!"

My body... my face... what did he read in them that I didn't know? I slumped down in my seat. "I don't... Levi, I can't..."

"Ash, I would never do anything to you without your explicit consent. But I need to know if I'm upsetting you. Do you -"

"I'm not gay."

The words came without preamble or thought. Staring straight forward at my knuckles on the wheel, I couldn't see Levi's face.

"I'm not... If... If that's what you're asking," I added quietly.

There was a pause before he responded, breathing out slowly as if he'd been holding it. "Why did you refuse to tell me?"

I shrugged and slid down further. "I don't know. I've never had to deal with... this kind of attention, I guess."

"Do you at least want to keep talking to me?"

I stopped responding. I didn't know what I wanted to say. After a moment of my silence, the passenger door opened... and then closed me in alone.

I watched through the window as Levi walked up to the front door of the shop. Regret was flooding me. I didn't know what was going on with me... but I at least knew I didn't want to lose Levi. I liked him. I liked him. I wasn't gay... but... I could like him without being gay, right?

I slammed my fist on the wheel, my emotions rushing through me one after the other. Irritation. Confusion. Emptiness. Abandon. Finally I took my phone out and fumbled as I rushed to send out a text.

Can I come get you again next week?

The door of the shop had already closed by the time I hit send. Even so, I just stared at the place Levi had disappeared, feeling somehow lost. And then, very suddenly, the door swung back open, and he reappeared with his phone in hand. Through the cold air and the car window, I couldn't hear his voice, but I read the word on his grinning lips.

Yes.

AN: Sorry this chapter jumped around a lot. I'm trying not to drag this out, but it is intended to be a slow burn story. I'd devote an entire chapter to every interaction if I could, but ultimately, I can't write this story at the length I wrote Hematoma. Or at least I'm trying not to. Hope you enjoyed anyway, remember to rate, and leave a comment if you want!

If this reads like a "Converting the christian" story, it is not.