Idolatria Ch. 13

"Ash, NO!"

"Dude!"

Marc doubled up and made a noise like a sick dog, dropping to his knees. Everyone's voices were rising around me, but I ignored them. By the time the blood drained back out of my face, I'd already turned and gone halfway back up the beach.

"Ash, come back! ASH! Marc, what did you do?!"

I felt bad ignoring Janina, but if I stayed, I was probably going to kill Marc. The hand not holding my beer was shaking and refused to unclench.

I shouldn't have reacted. I shouldn't have said anything. I needed to just ignore Marc's bullshit and...

But I couldn't. I was sick of the language he kept using. I'd never realized how often we talked like that. I didn't want to be part of it anymore.

Swallowed up by the moonlit shore, I slowed and wandered along the little wooden walk lined with fluffy reeds, putting my beer can up on the salt-weathered railing. I pulled my phone out and sighed bitterly while digging grains of sand out of the rim of my case with my thumbnail. When I opened the screen, I saw that Levi had replied.

"You good? I think your message sent too soon."

"Ash?"

I bit my lip and leaned my elbows on the rail. "Messed up. I'm okay though." I paused, feeling my brow furrow at my own text. "No I'm not. Sorry. I just fought my friend Marc."

It was a moment before Levi's reply. "What did he do?"

"He said something dumb. I got mad. I'm just chilling away from them for a sec."

"Well... did you win?"

I tried not to smile. "I punched him in the stomach so...?"

"Ow. Did he deserve it?"

"Kinda."

I closed my eyes for a minute. At least the heat in my brain was ebbing. I was still deciding what to do when I heard Marc calling for me.

"Hey... Ash, wait up."

I watched him stagger up the sandy slope to me, shrugging his shirt on. I'd expected him to be angry, but from what I could see, he just looked sheepish.

"Hey," he said. "You okay, man?"

I exhaled slowly and put my phone away, leaning over the rail. "Fine," I muttered.

Marc finished his struggle up the bank and leaned back against the railing next to me. "Well, I'm... sorry you got upset. For real. I really wasn't calling you a fag."

I set my jaw. "Marc, why do you have to call anyone a fag? Why do you have to say shit like that?"

"Dude... I was just fucking with you. I told you-"

"But why do you have to use it as an insult?"

"Because I was joking! I didn't think you'd take it-"

"So - what if I was a fag, though? Would you say it for real?" I finished my beer off, crumpled the can, and lobbed it at the first recycle bin I saw down the walk. It pinged off the rim. Swearing, I trudged after it and put it back. When I got back, Marc just looked confused.

"I guess I don't... really get it," he said slowly.

"No. No, Marc, I don't think you fucking do. And to be honest, I'm not sure I wanna talk to you about it."

Marc hesitated, then laughed nervously. "I mean... You know you can talk to me about anything."

I leaned on the rail again and let my head hang with a sigh. "Yeah. I think so, too, usually."

"Fuck does that mean? It's not like I'm..." His voice faded somewhat. "Like... Ash, you're not gay."

My first instinct was to agree. No, of course not. Of course I was a normal guy just like Marc and Nick and Ty and...

But my stomach was wringing itself inside me. I squeezed the rail and crossed my ankles, drawing a shaking breath as my hair fell down around my face.

"Yes, I am."

For a long minute, all I heard was the distant caw of gulls, the hush of the water, the muted chatter of our friends behind us. When Marc finally spoke, all he said was: "Since when?"

"I... don't know. Maybe always? I only really figured it out like... last month. Only accepted it last week. And I'm pretty sure you know who started that... You kept teasing me about it constantly anytime I mentioned him."

"So... you, what, you're fucking Levi?"

My chest hurt. The hollow tone of his voice was sparking terror in me. I opened my mouth to speak and coughed out a laugh instead. "I mean.. We haven't yet. Well, fuck, what do you want me to say? It's not like you wanna know what... Look, I just... Marc, please tell me what you're thinking or I'm gonna lose my shit. You're the only person I've told. Can you just -"

My throat swelled and cut me off. My eyes burned. I couldn't fathom the tone of Marc's voice, was too scared to look him in the face. He was silent. And the seconds just dripped by like that, neither of us moving or speaking.

From beside me, I heard sand shifting... and looked up to see Marc slowly backing up from me. The blood drained from my face.

"Marc... don't -"

But his head was shaking, reluctant to turn away as he moved backwards down the slope, stumbling once or twice.

"Marc - Marc, don't tell them!" I croaked. "You can't - please don't-"

"I'm not... doing anything, man," he said. "Just..."

But whatever he had to say, it didn't come. I found myself now watching my best friend walk away, leaving me there by the edge of the sand.

I tried to say something, anything. I couldn't see. I couldn't breathe. The air came out of me in shuddering, panicked bursts as I put my weight against the rail and let boiling tears stream out of me.

What do I do? Where do I go now?

I was still supposed to stay the night, sleeping next to Marc, even - there was no way. Should I just go home? Marc could get a ride, he didn't have to be stuck in a car with...

I have to go. I can't be here. I can't face them, I can't face Janina like this. I don't want to see the way he was looking at me ever again, I don't want -

A sudden clap on my shoulder jolted me back.

"Stop - stop crying. For fuck's sake, man..."

I couldn't bring myself to look up, but the arm around my shoulder stayed put. I reined in my breath and tried to mop my face with the back of my arm. When I finally gathered my voice, I'd lost all conviction. "What do you want?"

Marc huffed and took his arm away, almost reluctantly. "I... I don't know. I'm freaking out. I can't lie and say I'm not, this is fucking weird."

"You wanna tell me it's f-fucking weird?"

"Ash, I've known you since grade school, and I'm supposed to suddenly accept that you're, like..."

I didn't have anything to say. Marc was quiet for a second before letting out an irritated sigh.

"But if I... just threw away the last eighteen or whatever years away because you found out you like dick," he spat, "then I don't know what kind of fucking man I am. I was about to fucking abandon you there, and I look back and I see you - I see this guy I've called my best friend all my life, who's always had my back and supported me when I do stupid shit... And you're standing there falling apart because I can't get my head out of my ass and be there for you because of - I don't know, something you don't have control over. How the fuck did I think I'd be okay with that?" He straightened up and ran both hands through his hair, sighing louder.

"So... you came back because you realized you're being a fucking dick?" I said.

Marc frowned and glared down at his feet. "I guess. And y'know, you stood up to me and wouldn't let me keep talking shit to you. And for you to be man enough to hit me when I obviously need it, call me out on my shit - fuck, man enough to tell me something this fucking heavy, even - it took balls to do that. I need to respect you. I want to. So yeah, thinking about you blowing guys skeeves me out, but..." He took a deep breath and forced himself to look at me. "I think I can... just suck it up and stick with you. You deserve it. That's all I know right now."

All at once, the tears spilled over again. I swallowed and turned to him, trying to speak, but the words wouldn't come out. Marc gave me a reluctant grin.

"Aw, don't... fuck, man. Look, I... just... c'mere."

Marc yanked me into a stiff hug, pounding my back and ignoring my unfettered sobs. I just stood there with my chin on his shoulder, horribly conscious of where and how I hugged him back, but he didn't seem to be focused on that. When we split after a few seconds, he was grinning.

"Marc, please don't tell them," I begged. "It was hard enough telling you, I was fucking terrified, the way you acted -"

"I'm not gonna. That's your biz, man. And I know you gotta hide it," he shrugged. "I'm sorry I scared you. I shouldn't have, I just... I don't know."

"I mean, I didn't know how to deal with it when... y'know?"

"Well, we'll figure out how to deal. We're gonna have to talk about the Levi thing, though."

I blinked. "What for?"

"Dude - I mean, I don't want details, but my bro's actually getting some," he smirked. "I don't care if you're sucking his dick, I wanna know what happened."

I snorted and punched him in the arm, though not for real this time. "Yeah, well... Hey, you can stop acting like I'm gonna steal Janina now."

"Shit, that's right. Hey, come get another drink and hang out."

I glanced over at the crew around the firepit. They didn't seem to have minded us over here. Janina looked like she was looking this way, though I was sure they hadn't heard anything. "You go ahead," I told him. "I'll be there in a minute."

"Sure, man," he shrugged again. "Come back when you're good."

I waited for Marc to return to the group, then pulled my phone out and leaned over the rail again. My hands were shaking. I pulled up our chat and saw that he'd responded.

"You ok?"

I was about to text back when my chest started hurting again.

I want to hear his voice.

I'd barely gotten the phone to my ear when Levi picked up. "Hey. Everything okay?" he asked.

The deep voice on the other end of the line spilled relief down my body, driving a shuddering sigh from my lungs. "Hey... Yeah. I'm fine, actually. Better."

"What's up?"

"I, uh..." I crossed my ankles again, chewing my lip. "Long story. But I think I just came out of the closet to my best friend."

Levi went quiet for a second. "Is everything alright?"

"Surprisingly... yeah. I think so."

"He took it well?"

"He's... kinda confused, I think. But he's trying. He bro-hugged me. Two pats."

I heard soft laughter on his end. "I'm glad. Ash, I'm really proud of you. It takes a lot to come out to our friends. Really sucks sometimes. I know it's stupid that it matters to some people, but... yeah."

"I was terrified. Did you... have a best friend to come out to?"

At this, the laughing grew louder. "I, uh... My best friend and I realized we were into guys at the same time. We were fucking."

"You what?"

"Oh, god, that's a long story. Don't make me start."

"Levi... you're fucking fascinating sometimes."

"Yeah, well. Hey, go hang out with your friends. You don't have to stay with me."

"I will. I just... wanted to talk." I went quiet until something weird hit me. I tucked my head down and stifled a laugh.

"What?"

"I just realized. I haven't practiced since I got here."

Levi laughed again. "I'm not worried about that. You'll be fine missing a day or two."

"Uh-huh."

"Hey, speaking of... what are you doing this Wednesday?"

My heart climbed a little in my chest. "Nothing, I think... why?"

"I have something I need to do in the city," he purred. "I thought we could make it a date."