If Ch. 01

Sometimes I hate him. It's a strange feeling, particularly because I often feel like he is my only ally. He knows me, inside and out. He senses my feelings. He has experienced what I have. He knows what bitterness, betrayal and hatred tastes like.

On mornings like this, when I wake before the alarm and nothing can help me fall back asleep, I watch him. I hate him on mornings like this because I know he has found some semblance of peace, and -worst of all—he believes he's found it in me.

He sleeps deeply because he knows he's found a reflection of himself. A slightly more imperfect, angrier, colder reflection, but a reflection, nonetheless.

His eyes open when light filters through the windows and rests in stripes against the sheets. Those eyes settle calmly on me, like always. He is never surprised when he finds me awake and staring. I wonder if he senses the irrational hatred that sometimes churns in my stomach. If he does, he says nothing.

I look away. Nuzzle into his chest. Wrap a leg around his. I don't want the day to start. I don't want to go home. His heavy hand slides down my back.

"You could stay here." It's an offer he makes every morning we wake together. His voice is still full of sleep.

I could. I really could. But I won't.

I shift and slip out of bed, finding my clothes. I shimmy into my underwear, slide my jeans up. My t-shirt is cold when it covers my skin.

He's still in bed when I come out of the bathroom, hair brushed and teeth cleaned.

"I'll call you later," I whisper. I probably won't. He'll probably call me first, giving me a few days before chasing.

Nick nods. He sits up, resting his head against the headboard. "You don't have to go, Claire." A slow smile spreads across his face. "I'll make you pancakes. Leave them a little undone, like you like them."

I can feel my phone buzzing in my purse. The alarm. I'm not sure why I bother setting it; I'm always awake before 5.

"That sounds tempting. Next time?" A fake smile flashes across my face.

"Next time," Nick repeats.

We both know I'll never stay for pancakes.

It snowed in the night. It wasn't in the forecast. It takes me at least ten minutes to wipe all the snow off my car as the neighborhood wakes up. I used to worry about being spotted by Nick's neighbors; now I'm too cold to give a shit.

I'm fairly certain Nick is watching me from his bedroom window. If I was a normal person, I'd turn right back around and melt into the heat he promises. But I'm not normal, and there's too much snow on my car. The sky keeps sprinkling more all over me.

By the time I get to my house, there is easily another two inches on the ground. I'm torn between glaring at the sky and at the man inside my house.

I think maybe he'll cancel it. He's practical. Calculated. He is probably sitting on the couch, elbows on his knees, hands clasped beneath his chin, ready to tell me we will have to reschedule. He'll appear disappointed, and I'll just nod and go off to read or something. My idea of a perfect day.

I unlock the door, shivering and unhappy. I forgot gloves.

I glance at our couch. Mike isn't sitting there, meaning he's brooding in the kitchen with a pot of coffee.

Our dog, Brooklyn, comes running to greet me. He is a little Chihuahua mix. I'm closer to him than any of the humans in my life. I pick him up and hug him to me, the smell of his fur and the warm beating of his heart steadying me. His jittery body wants to be let down after a moment, so I let him go.

It takes me forever to pull my boots off before venturing into my quiet house. It took me three years to decorate it. I painstakingly planned the colors of the walls, the way the furniture should be placed, what paintings should be hung. I'd loved the quaint domestic vibe that eventually evolved from my efforts. It was the first time I'd felt home.

Today it is just a foreign shell to me. It holds my clothes and my husband. There is nothing homey about it now.

Mike is in the kitchen brooding with a pot of coffee. I'm not psychic, but I just seem to be surrounded by people who are determined to stick to routines. Or roles. Myself included. Mike is playing the part of depressed husband and I tell myself not to feed into it.

"Are we going or rescheduling?" I sigh, pouring myself a cup of coffee.

He doesn't answer until I sit across from him. He crisply folds his newspaper before lifting his dark eyes to mine. There is a jolt when we meet eyes. There probably always will be. I consider it a curse. He considers it a sign we have a chance.

I remember him telling me one cold morning that our relationship was like a tree in the winter. Seemingly dead. But if we were to cut off a branch, we'd see a hint of green inside, meaning the tree was still alive. I told him he was an asshole and I hoped his students bought his bullshit better than I did. Unfortunately he'd told the analogy to our therapist and she loved it, and she uses it constantly in our sessions.

"Don't forget that winter thaws, Claire," she repeats solemnly whenever we are getting ready to leave.

Now, Mike peeks out the window. "We're still going. It's not that bad out."

"I skidded three times. We should reschedule."

He looks at me defiantly. Even after all that's happened, he won't let a slick road get the best of him. "No. I already told Joy we are coming."

"Did you walk Brooklyn?"

Mike sits back in his chair, his eyes looking me over. He's been doing that lately. Analyzing. Cataloguing. Why he does it to himself, I don't know. I guess he enjoys feeling punished. I almost asked him once if he missed her. The words were right there, dying to be let out. He stared at me as if he knew what I was going to ask and actually wanted to hear the words. But I stifled them, and he'd looked disappointed.

"Brooklyn has been out, of course. You know I take him out every morning."

He has rolls and butter on the table. I take one and busy myself buttering it, making sure every inch of it is covered. It's time-consuming, and I hog the butter. It used to drive Mike crazy. Now he studies the process and I get the distinct impression that my own routines comfort him.

"Did you have a good night?" he asks. There is no blame in his tone. No accusation. No anger. A hint of resignation and sadness, maybe, but he's not mad at me.

"It was good to see Sara."

Mike lets out a puff of amusement through his nose. He knows I wasn't with Sara. And I know that he knows. But routines, and roles, are still very important, as I've said, and the truth was never our forte.

I get up and say I'm bringing Brooklyn back out into the yard with me before we leave. Mike doesn't respond.

Brooklyn hops around in snow that's getting a bit too deep for him. I note distractedly that my coat isn't warm enough. My mother had said so when she first saw me wear it.

Mother knows best, and all that. I thought I'd be a mother by now, but maybe it's best I'm not.

I stuff my hands in my pockets and shiver. It's freezing and lonely in our silent backyard, but it's still better than sitting with Michael in that abandoned kitchen, playing pretend.

A few people were brave enough to ask why I still stayed with him. My mother tells me at least once a week that I should cut my losses. Nick hasn't asked. He knows.

I lift my face to the gently dropping snow. The sky is that beautiful gray that is indescribable. The flakes of snow are bigger now, meaning that it will probably stop snowing soon. I wish it would snow forever and cover everything until people were forced to stay put.

A grim thought skips into my mind. It's not the first time.

I wonder if she can see me. I'm not an idiot to presume that if there is a heaven, that it's in the clouds where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops. But there is something about staring at the sky when thinking of the dead—that open expanse of sky leading to an empty, distant, unknown universe.

If she can see me, is she sorry? The fallout must be darker than any possible regret she felt while doing it. Can she see us all, playing our parts and pretending to live?

Brooklyn runs past me towards the door. Mike is there, holding my gloves and hat. "We should go now. Go a little early in case we have to drive slowly. Meet you out there in a sec."

Wordlessly I walk inside, grab the keys and head to the car. I wait in the driver's seat, looking up at the sky once again. I give it the middle finger, and then I laugh because I'm an idiot. There is no reply from the sky, and wherever Jessica is, it's better than here. I wouldn't be watching me if I were her, either,

3 MONTHS EARLIER

I was leaving work when I got the call. I almost missed it, walking out of school with my bags and paperwork. The number was one I didn't recognize and I nearly let it go to voicemail. But I answered, and my world changed forever.

I don't remember driving to the hospital. I don't remember telling the people at the desk who I was, or being guided to the waiting room. I vaguely recall that a nurse brought me a cup of water. She had red hair. Then the doctor came out, a tall thin man with a thin mustache. I stared at his mustache while he spoke. His lips were thin, too. He told me my husband had been in an accident. He told me where.

"But that's not even by his job. He works at the middle school. That's not even close..."

The doctor shifted uncomfortably on his feet. I thought it was because I was questioning where the accident was instead of how my husband was doing. I thought of Mike. Beautiful, wonderful, funny Mike, and asked how he was.

"Critical," the doctor reported. He was still uncomfortable. He nudged me away from the nurses' station and only then did I realize everyone was staring at me. He was holding my elbow gently. His fingers were the thinnest part of him.

"Is he going to die?" Tears welled in my eyes but didn't fall. It was as if they, too, were in suspense.

"We're working on him, doing what we can. He is a fighter."

I smiled a little. "He is."

I was overwhelmed by the need to see him. Before I could ask anything else, however, the doctor continued.

"There was another person involved in the accident."

Immediately I thought he meant the other car. "Oh, God. The person in the other car? Are they..."

But the doctor interrupted me with a shake of his head. "There was no other car. They ran into a tree. Into two trees. Skidded off the road in the rain, probably over leaves."

"Okay." So many odd thoughts went through my mind during the strangest conversation I ever had; I don't even remember half of them. "Who was injured?"

"Her husband is here." The doctor looked at a place behind us. "Her name was Jessica Kirk. He tells us you were friends. We did everything we could but unfortunately she didn't make it."

Hands clasped around my arms from behind. I turned and saw Nick there. He'd been crying, but he wasn't, anymore. His eyes were red, his face white. He looked exhausted. I couldn't wrap my head around any of it. The doctor quietly excused himself.

The only thing I knew how to do in that moment was hug. So I hugged Nick hard and whispered that I was there, that we were going to get through this, that Jessica was a wonderful person.

"Claire," he said thickly. He cleared his throat. Stepped back and looked down at me. He shook me. "Claire. Don't you get it?"

"What? Get what?"

He told me then. He told me everything. That they'd been at the hotel. That they crashed just a few yards away. Everything. He spoke the words, his eyes bugged, his voice brittle and desperate. He told me every single thing so fast and so loud, as if by somehow getting it all out, he could get it out of his head. His fingers tightened around my arms.

What he was saying finally clicked after a few minutes. My mouth opened but no sound would come out. His eyes moved over my face.

"Do you get it now?"

PRESENT DAY

Joy comes into the waiting room with a flourish, gesturing us to come into her office with shiny red nails and at least two diamond rings.

It isn't that I dislike her. There are a lot of things I like about her, actually, when we meet one-on-one. But when Mike and I come in together, it's like she sides with him, that she wants us to just get over everything and heal together.

I mentioned seeing a different therapist to Mike once. He got aggravated with me and I didn't bring it up again.

Today, Joy is wearing bright pink. She is probably the bubbliest person I know, and therefore she couldn't have a more perfect name.

I told her that one day when she was pissing me off but she ignored my snarkiness and gushed over the backhanded compliment.

She rests into her chair with a long sigh and flips her gray hair out of her face. She thumbs through a few files sitting next to us and finds ours with gleeful surprise, as if she hadn't put it there before we came.

"So. How are the two of you on this beautiful winter day?"

Mike answers first, predictably. He knows if he doesn't, there will just be silence. "Frustrated."

Joy scribbles something on her notepad and then looks up at us over her glasses. "Frustrated? Interesting choice. We'll come back to that. And you, Claire?"

"Cold."

She smirks and jots something else down in her notepad. One or two...or fifty...times I've debated stealing that goddamn notepad. She can't seriously be taking notes for our entire session. She's probably doodling. I would be doodling if I had access to a pen and paper during these bullshit sessions.

"Is that a literal cold, or a figurative cold? Or both?"

I roll my eyes and sigh with exasperation. "Can't I just be cold? It's a cold day. Why does that simple thing have to be analyzed?"

"Because there's a reason you said it," Joy flippantly replies.

"The snow. The snow would be the reason."

Mike shifts uncomfortably beside me. I'm sure he's rolling his eyes. For the millionth time, I wonder why the fuck I do this. I know why Mike does. The punishment thing must get him off. As for me, I have put three months into this. I have stuck around while he went through rehab. God knows I've done my part.

"You seem like you have a lot on your mind this morning, Claire. Can we talk about that for a few minutes?"

For the first time since we've come to these sessions, I'm tempted to just tell Mike off. To say all of the things I think and rid myself of this baggage. Joy must smell a breakthrough because she keeps pushing.

"Why don't we go over feeling cold, Claire? What else are you feeling? I'd really like to explore what you—"

"I'm feeling nostalgic." I say it simply. Emotionlessly. Mike stiffens beside me.

Joy tilts her head. "Nostalgic," she repeats slowly, as if she's never heard the word. "For?"

I cross my leg and my arms. "No idea. That just seemed like a good adjective. Can we move on?"

Joy eyes me in a way that tells me she's only temporarily dropping the subject. "So, Michael. Frustrated. Let's go into that."

He clears his throat. Opens his mouth. Clears his throat again. Then he begins. "I feel like I am the only one trying in this marriage. I am home all the time, while Claire is constantly out. I mean, constantly. She only comes home to change and see the dog. She sees through me like I'm not there. And I get why. I get that I put us in this position. We agreed, though, to try. To really repair whatever needs repairing in our marriage. I am here, going through the steps, really trying. I really, really am."

Joy opens her mouth but Mike continues.

"Not to mention that we don't acknowledge where she goes when she doesn't come home. I know where she's going, and she knows that I know. I even get it. I do. This whole situation is totally fucked up. I just thought that at this point we'd start getting over it, that we would be on the mend. Instead she comes home from a night out with him, and I sit waiting. And I pretend when she gets back that I don't know and that it's not killing me. So all of that is frustrating." He turns his head and his dark brown eyes focus on mine. "I hate all of the things we don't say. I hate that we can't say them."

Our therapist waits a moment. Mike keeps his eyes on me, those intense eyes that I fell in love with five years before. They're both waiting for me, it would seem, but I still can't muster up the emotion they want. In many ways, I feel like that dead tree they talk about. But I think if you cut off a twig or a branch or whatever and looked at what was inside, you'd just see gray.

Mike's words settle and Joy rubs the side of her forehead. "Claire. Is there anything you'd like to say to your husband?"

I turn away from Mike and focus on the window. It's snowing again. "No."

"Can we talk about the nostalgia you're feeling?"

My thumb runs over my ring finger, but I haven't worn my rings since I brought Mike home. "Sure, Joy. Seems like an excellent idea."

"Is it nostalgia for the way things used to be in your marriage?" she prompts, ignoring my sarcasm like she does every session. "When the two of you used to say the things that now go unsaid?"

I look at Joy. Really look at her. "But that's the funny thing, isn't it? There was apparently a lot of shit that went unsaid. So I think it's absolutely hilarious that we're talking about this like it's a new problem. My husband had an affair with my best friend for almost as long as we were married. So, no. It's not nostalgia for how things were, but how I thought they were. I miss my best friend. I miss my husband. I miss the life I had. I miss being completely ignorant. I miss my house, too. Jesus. I miss looking forward to coming home. I miss the person I used to be. Now I'm this hateful being who sees no joy in anything. And do you know why that is, Joy? Because of the asshole sitting next to me. This frustrated, selfish asshole. That's why. Because he spent years filled with words he wouldn't and couldn't say." I take a deep breath and a sip from the cup of water Joy puts out for us. I don't look at either of them, and neither of them disturbs the silence. "I think a big part of me died that day. I don't think I'm whole enough to be a part of any relationship, especially one as fucked up as the one I'm in now. I don't want to hear bullshit about me not trying. I tried every day of our marriage. Now I'm just trying to survive. So, I feel just awful for you, Mike. Frustration is just such a terrible thing to be feeling. Must be terrible not to have everything go just the way you want it to."

He's not looking at me when I turn my head. Joy taps her pen against her pad. Her expression is scrunched up like she's trying to solve a difficult math problem. She doesn't seem to get we're beyond saving.

"Claire? May I speak with Michael alone for a moment? Then it will be your turn."

I get up and walk out, trying not to slam the door. I'm angry, I realize. Really angry. I sit in the waiting room and stew. I pull my phone out to text Nick.

You were right this morning.

A few seconds later my phone vibrates.

Hate to say it but I usually am. Coming over later?

I sigh and close my eyes. I go to Nick's most of the time because I have no place else to go.

I'm using him. Is he using me?

Many times when I've watched him before he woke up, I wondered if I ever wanted him before. Before before. I remember being so happy for Jessica when she met him. He was so good looking in the strangest way—all scratches and scars and messy hair. I thought he was attractive. Flirtatious. But I never let myself think about him because I didn't think of anyone that way. I was married to a very gorgeous, humble man; he was everything I didn't know I wanted, and I was happy.