I'm a Bitch, I'm a Lover

But as I mentioned before, our sex life was fantastic. The only issue I could see was that Meredith sometimes wanted me to be really rough with her during sex. I always had a problem doing that. I tried to, but it just wasn't how you treated your wife. She said she wanted me to ravish her, spank her, that sort of thing. She asked me how come when I came home from the shop I never just tore her pants off and bent her over the couch and fucked her. I told her that might be hard to do with two small kids in the house!

"I'm a bitch I'm a lover I'm a mother,

I do not feel ashamed."

The clock read 2:35 and I still couldn't fall asleep. Meredith was a fantastic mother, in fact our friends joked about her being the "professional mother in the neighborhood." But when she was pregnant with James, she was terrified.

She wasn't really worried about being a good mother. On the other hand I was terrified about being a good father! Meredith was worried about losing herself. I would often find her in tears on the couch worried that I would only think of her as a mom. I would hold her to try and comfort her as best I could.

The only argument we had before getting pregnant was about her being a stay at home mom. She told me she could never do it, and me being the traditionalist thought it would be best to have her at home with the kids. My kids weren't going to be in day care!

I knew she would be a great mom, so I agreed to try it out and see what happened. She agreed that if it wasn't going to work, she would find something she could do from the house. With both kids Meredith worked right up to the day before she delivered. She was back to work within a few weeks. She had child care covered without a hitch. She was a professional mom and the kids seemed to thrive.

She also helped me be a better dad. She forced me to be involved in their activities. She also made sure that I had to care for them when they were little. She told me, "Shelly, I know you won't like exploding diapers, projectile vomiting, or incessant colicky crying, but if you don't do this, you will regret it the rest of your life."

There were many times in my young life that I thought I had become a man including my time overseas. But I knew the exact moment I became a man. I came home from work one day a little early because Meredith left me a message that the day care center said James wasn't feeling well and she was on her way to pick him up.

When I opened the door to the house I heard the baby wailing and Meredith sobbing in the baby's room. I saw baby diarrhea in the entry way and the kitchen, the baby's car seat was on the counter covered in shit. In short, it was a complete disaster. The thought crossed my mind that if I just turned around quietly and left, no one would know I was ever here. But I couldn't, so I yelled out, "Meredith, I'm home! I will start cleaning things up here and then meet you in the baby's room." That was the moment I became a man.

I guess if this were just a story, Meredith would have been so grateful she would have fucked me that night till I couldn't blink my eyes, but what really happened is she fell asleep in my arms about 7:30 so I put her to bed and I took care of little James when he woke up three times that night.

I had a great relationship with my children and I know that it was because of Meredith that I did.

"You know you wouldn't want it any other way"

I finally did fall into a fitful sleep. The next morning I drove over to the house. After making sure no one was home I went inside packed a suit case and as a last minute thought I grabbed the wedding book that Meredith had put together. I know I was being petulant but I wanted her to know I had been here. I was in and out in 30 minutes and on my way back to the Shangri La Inn. I'm not kidding that is what it was called!

On my way back I stopped at Denny's to eat lunch. I hadn't really had a meal in over 24 hours so I figured I better try to eat something. I was taking a chance on being discovered because when we were first married we spent a lot of time here. It was the only place we could afford. It held a lot of good memories for me.

I ordered my food and started thinking about how Meredith could throw all we had away. We had been through so much and she had just trashed her marriage vows. I went back out to the car and got the book. I opened the book because I knew a copy of each of our vows were inside. My vows were the standard "love honor and obey" stuff, but I remembered she wanted to write her own. I found the card with her vows on it and read them.

I, Meredith Smithe, from this day forward promise you these things. I will laugh with you in times of joy and comfort you in times of sorrow. I will share in your dreams and support you as you try to achieve your goals. I will listen with compassion and understanding, and speak to you with encouragement. I will remain faithful to these vows for better or for worse, in times of sickness and in health. You are my best friend and I will love only you.

I was shocked. She never said she would be faithful to me, only that she would be

faithful to her vows. "Oh my god, she has been cheating on me our whole marriage!" I never really did know her.

"I'm a sinner I'm a saint I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your dream and I am nothing in between."

What in the hell do I do now? That stupid song is once again playing in my head.

"This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man."

I thought for a few minutes and finally understood what the song meant. I made up my mind. It was time to talk with her. I wasn't going to hide or play anymore games. If I never new who she was, it was about damn time I found out!

I called her cell phone. She immediately answered and stated matter of factly, "What do you want Shell?"

I am sure she thought she would throw me off guard with her statement which was far different than her previous pleading messages. I knew she was angry at me for hiding out. And, I knew she was right to be. What she didn't know was that I was done being a victim in this.

"I want to talk with you. Meet me tomorrow at Denny's 12:30 for lunch so we can figure out what we do next." I replied just as calmly.

"You want to meet at Denny's? Really?" Said Meredith, clearly shocked.

"Yes, I will see you at 12:30 tomorrow." I quickly hung up the phone.

I got up, paid for my meal and headed back to my flea bag motel. I threw myself on the bed and slept like a baby, not waking up until about 9:30 the next morning. I felt calm and refreshed as I got ready to meet Meredith at the restaurant.

I was seated in a corner booth at about 12:25. Meredith came right at 12:30, I waved to her and she came over and sat down across from me. "I can't believe we are going to have this discussion in a Denny's!" She said in exasperation.

"Meredith, I chose this restaurant for two reasons. First of all I figure our conversation might get a little heated so I thought doing it in public would help encourage us both to keep the discussion civil."

She was getting ready to say something and I interrupted her by raising my hand and saying firmly, "Secondly, this is the restaurant we always ate at when we were dating and first married. We ate here a lot when we first started our business, because it was all we could afford. In short Meredith, we planned our life out here. We talked about everything. We talked about our fears, our dreams, everything. This is where we were when we decided to get married. But do you know what we didn't talk about Meredith?"

She was clearly caught off guard, and could only shake her head.

"We didn't talk about your need to have sex with other men in order for you to feel whole. And that's because you never brought it up! You deliberately hid part of you from me."

"I, I'm sorry Shell," she wanted to say more but I kept on.

"This restaurant is open 24 hours and I have all the time in the world Meredith, so tell me. Who are you really?"

"It, its complicated Shelly...."

"No, it's not Meredith. You are complicated though, and you owe me an explanation. You owe it to James and Mary also. We are your family and we have the right to know who you are.

At this point she broke down and was crying softly. "I have been thinking about what to say to you since you left me that message. Now it seems so trite. So give me a minute to get my thoughts together."

"Like I said, its open 24 hours and I'm not in a hurry." It was a full minute at least before she could continue.

"Whether you believe me or not Shell, I love you more than ever. I am terribly sorry that I hurt you." She paused at this point because I think she anticipated a response from me, but I sat stone faced and silent looking at her, so she continued.

"I want to prove my love to you. I want to prove to you that I will do anything to show you, if you give me a chance. So, before we talk about who I am, I want to tell you what I am prepared to do." At this point she paused to collect her thoughts, then proceeded after taking a deep breath.

"I want you to give us a chance. If you give me a year to prove my love and devotion to our family and at the end of that year, you still want to divorce me, I will not fight it. I will give you everything. I will give you full custody of the kids as long as I can visit them whenever. I will not take half the business. You keep the house. No alimony, nothing. I will walk away. I promise."

Well I have to admit that I didn't see that coming. That set me back. Now it was I who had to collect my thoughts. I had asked her to be honest so I had to be also.

"Honestly Meredith, at this point I have no intention of divorcing you. I suspect though, that our relationship is going to be very different from here on out."

I could see her visibly relax as she exhaled a long slow deep sigh. "I am not sure where to start Shell."

How about you start with the wedding vows you wrote and recited at our wedding? That seems a good place." I responded without rancor. "I really want to understand what you were trying to tell me. Frankly I didn't understand them, but I think I do now. Or at least I am beginning to."

"Shell, you know how worried I was back then about losing myself, when I was married. I loved you but I wanted to make sure that I would always be an individual first. I didn't want to lose who I was, ever."

"I understand that part Meredith. But, what does sex with other guys have to do with that?"

"It wasn't just guys, Shelly." She said while dropping her eyes to the table.

"Jesus Mere!" I exclaimed much too loudly for the setting. If she was going to scold me for calling her Mere, I was out of there.

"Listen to me Shell, my body is the most individual thing I have. It is mine and mine alone. Deciding who I share my body with is the most intimate thing I can offer. But that is only part of it. I love life Shell. I want to experience everything. I want to feel every emotion deep inside of me. You know I am a very sexual person, and I want to feel every sexual emotion. I want to feel love, lust, jealousy, pain, and hurt. I want to feel all of that before I get too old.

"OK Mere I understand what you are saying, but I sure don't accept it! I mean isn't your body supposed to be mine? And mine is yours?" My head felt like it was about to explode.

"If I accept what you are saying Meredith, shouldn't I have the same privilege? You are saying that despite being married to you, I should be able to share my body with whomever I choose?"

"Don't get angry Shell, but let me ask you a question? Since we've been married, have you ever wanted anyone else? Ever needed anyone else?

I sighed deeply and had to admit, "No Mere, you are everything I have ever needed or wanted."

"That's the real point isn't it Shelly?

"Why didn't you tell me all this before we got married? Didn't you owe me at least that, rather than hiding it, not to mention keeping it hidden all these years?"

"Yes I should have Shell. That was the one unfair thing I did to you. But, I did it because I love you so much. We were young and I knew you wouldn't accept it. And I couldn't lose you; I just couldn't. I know I was being selfish and I am sorry."

I just sat there numbly. I think I finally understood who she was.

"Aren't you going to ask me?" You want to know why you're not enough for me don't you? You want to ask if I'm going to stop."

"Actually Mere I am not going to ask you those questions because they don't matter to me anymore. The biggest question I have left in my mind is, can I live with who you are?"

"I really do understand you Mere. I talked with someone who explained it to me. Actually I guess I just listened as she explained it."

She seemed surprised, but didn't interrupt.

"Here's the big difference between you and I Mere. You seem to feel that you have a choice in everything. You get to choose who gets what piece of you and when they get it. You get to put your wants and needs above everyone else's. You get to play different roles whenever the mood strikes you.

But, I was never given a choice. I was brought up to believe that a man, a real man sacrifices his personal dreams, desires, and needs for his family. A man's family always comes first." In all the time we have been together did I ever once give you a reason to doubt that I would be there for you and the kids?

She sadly shook her head no and said, "Shell, listen to me I am all yours. I love only you. Isn't the problem really that your ego......"

"Stop right there! Don't you dare say it's my 'silly male ego' that is getting in the way. Don't you dare trivialize my feelings! You don't get to tell me how I am supposed to feel. In all the years we have been together, have I ever once told you how you were supposed to feel? You need to remember that it is the 'silly male ego' that gives a man the instinct to protect his family. It is the male ego that makes a man sacrifice for the good of his family. It is my silly male ego that makes me want to comfort you when you are hurting. Don't you see, it's the male ego that is really the soul of a man?"

"Shelly I wasn't going to call your ego silly. I just want to make sure that it doesn't get in the way of making the decision for us to stay together. I'm sorry I keep saying I'm sorry."

We both had a good laugh at that statement. It helped break some of the tension and we decided to put further conversation on hold until after we ordered some food. Somehow the waitress had known to give us a wide berth so I had to wave her over.

As we were in the middle of our meal Meredith started to tear up again. "You know something Shell; I just realized that this is the booth we sat in when I told you I was pregnant with James."

"I told you why I picked this place Mere. I wanted you to realize what you were risking."

"Are we going to be ok Shell?"

"I don't know Mere. But I am not going to leave you. I am going to come home and we can figure out where the hell we go from there."

"I'm a bitch I'm a tease I'm a goddess on my knees.

When you hurt when you suffer I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb I'm revived you can't say I'm not alive."

Five Years later

A lot has happened over the past five years. I tried to make it work with Meredith, I really did. I agreed to her condition to give her one year to prove her love for me and at the end of the year I sat her down and told her that I just couldn't do it any longer. We were just too different.

To her credit, she did everything she could to prove her love to me and the kids. I never had any doubt that she loved all three of us.

During the year did she have sex with other people? I don't know. I assume so, but I never asked her. My reasoning was that if I was going to stay with her I would have to accept her behavior. Maybe I was being naïve, or maybe I was becoming more of a 21^st Century kind of guy? Not a chance. The real reason for the separation was that I needed my wife to be mine and mine alone, and Meredith would never be able to give me all of her. She would always be holding something back. We both loved each other and always would, we just couldn't live together. It was that simple.

When I sat her down to talk with her, of course there were tears, but there was no yelling and screaming. We both knew why it had to be. Meredith was true to her word. She offered everything she said she would; Custody of the kids, the house, the business all of it. But I couldn't do that to her.

The divorce went through in just a couple of months. She has unfettered access to the kids. In fact although she lived in the condo I helped her find, we had a spare bedroom that became her room. She was welcome to stay in it as often as she liked. She took advantage of it especially the first couple of years, but as the kids got older she started spending more time at her condo. She will now occasionally stay in her room with her lover when I travel out of town.

I also had a legal contract written up formally giving her 49% of the business. It was the right thing to do. That contract also stipulates that if something happens to me, she gets 100%. The funny part is Meredith comes into the shop at least 2 days a week and spins some wrenches with the rest of us! She loves doing it and we love having her there. Both James and Mary help out occasionally too.

What is really interesting is that Meredith has a new lover, my office manager Julie! Julie is much more understanding of Mere's needs than I could ever be. Julie says they are kindred spirits, whatever that means. The kids have always loved Julie so that isn't really an issue.

What about me? Well I'm not a very social person so I don't get out much, but guess what? One of Meredith's needs in order for her to feel fulfilled is me. Julie knows all about it and has no problem with it.

My life isn't perfect by any means, but it could be a lot worse. At the end of the day, I'm a pretty lucky guy.

Note to Readers:

Given the way things are going sometimes I wonder, if 100 years from now formal marriages will even exist. If they don't it will be a shame. Personally my wife and I are heading towards our 42 anniversary and,

"You know I wouldn't want it any other way."