All Comments on 'I'm Gone!'

AUTHOR.... were you drunk when you wrote this?

Just stop. You're really really badd at this

those ignorant kids needed to pay too. nice story, easy to follow, you have a talent that i dont have. please keep writing. Incredable first story. thank you

Wow the kids are total trash and should of been aborted

The cheating wife and kids were definitely not punished enough for as evil as they were!! And Bill and the other two guys weren't either. I usually prefer reconciliation but when characters are drawn as evil as these people were, they need to be totally destroyed in my opinion.

And equally important, the MC deserved a happier ending!! I know he has the promise of a happy future but I would rather see him get it than hope he did or imagine he did. Same with the wife. What happened to her when she left? What happened to the kids? Did they ever feel remorse? But still, this wasn't a bad story. Thanks for submitting.

And their 2 "loving" kids found out that their "real" father was broke were forced out of school and into jobs that included the phrase "Would you like fries with that order"?

Finally an author new to LW drops in with an excellent story. This cheating bitch, and bastard kids rank among the worst characters ever depicted in a LW story. Jack put her cheating ass on the street, and destroyed the boss’s company in revenge. It’s too bad Joan wasn’t on the backyard bonfire. Very British, but I enjoyed it.

Loved it !

Oh , and Every time that carpetbagger Harry comments something , the story gets a 5⭐ rating from me !

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

5

The author asked for comments to improve his writing, hopefully he'll take this the way its intended.

This story doesn't really have a lot going for it, just a rehashed tale of betrayal hoping to please the BTB faithful, which isn't hard considering their limited intelligence. There's no real plot, what there is of a storyline has already been done to death, so what about the writing: the narrative and grammar is quite good but is spoiled by some basic mistakes. Would anybody eat food they know is bad just to have something inside before drinking? Why not pick up a sandwich on the way or I'm sure there'll be food at the hotel. I know it's part of the plot but it shows a lack of imagination. Also why does his wlfe and her boss want him there so badly? They've had a good thing going for twenty years and suddenly they want to risk discovery, especially stupid as he didn't want to go anyway. Maybe they were twisted enough that they wanted to commit the act right in front of him? If so why have him drugged into sleep, this made no sense at all I'm afraid.

We didn't have the boring overlong back story, thank god, but equally as bad was the totally unrealistic dialogue. Amazing how the lovers and especially the wife describes everything they've done with all the details he needs just at the moment he opens the door. Does anybody ever do that, it appears to happen only when an author can't think of anything else or just can't be bothered. It's much like the secret phone call, which thankfully didn't occur in this story. The guilty parties are in conversation but the victim, usually the unwitting husband, is evesdropping, if he hears both sides of the phone call for some reason they talk in detail about what they've done or what they plan, if it's just one side they, again inexplicably repeat everything the other party is saying, does it ever really happen?

So onto his reaction, of course to keep in tune with the BTB theme he first needs to get as much money as possible from what they have, whilst doing this he has to fuck up everything she does. Nothing wrong here, just repetitive and unimaginative, incidentally destroying her property is illegal and leaving his own house open for vandalism doesn't seem a very bright idea especially as the proceeds from the sale is going into his own bank account.

Then we have the revenge porn, again illegal and considering the fact the authorities are cracking down on this new trend again very stupid.

We also have the kids, marriage and relationship etc. Or lack of all of them. There was no real relationship, zero trust or love from any parties, least of all the kids and a marriage that was dead on its feet.

No likable characters, nothing to stir the juices, unless you're a cellar dwelling BTB caveman and nothing new. Just a heap of clichés piled together. The wife, kids, her lover and his friends were as evil as possible. The husband victimised but courageous and vengeful.

You write well enough so please try to do something different to this, something to be read and not just to burn the bitch. You can open up your work to a much wider and more descerning audience.

well it looks like the will won't have anything left for any of the little sorry bastards. They still got off light.

Ya gotta love it when it all comes together.

A good story well written.

Need to finish the story. Good first contribution to this caty

Started ok and I think you could do well but that fell apart fast. Just devoid of reality; you may as well have told us the husband could fly and had x-ray vision. It’s reality and plausibility that allow us to feel the empathy and angst that make stories like this entertaining.

Oh, and paragraphs. They help.

Terrible. No attempt to be realistic. Whoever heard of unregistering a car, let alone it being a criminal offense. It doesn't take years to repolish jewelry, the diamonds take minutes and the gold is just a slag. No nice ending for anybody. This will please many readers who just want brutish revenge in their BTB, but it is just silly. And it didn't even break up a marriage, she was married to her boss and God knows why she still made the pretense of being with her 'hubby' of record.

She got what she deserved.

Was gone. But need the closer that a 2nd chapter brings

Please don't write any more stories (if that's what you call them) for this category!!!!

I can't even give it any stars as the don't do minus

This started out ok, and I wondered what he was going to do, But then it took a sudden left turn into the inane.

Good Luck with your future efforts.

I imagine the kids weren’t so smug when they find their tuitions were not going to be paid, mom had left town and their bio dad was broke. Time to get jobs leaches!

Smelt? Where did that word come from?

Loved your story. 5***** Would have liked to see the kids suffer some with their disrespect towards the supposed father. Keep on writing, I would like to read more of your stories,

A lot going on but then again nothing at all. Too many loose ends.

This is the lesson kids: don’t drink and write a story.

This made no sense and had no redeeming qualities. If this is your absolute vest effort, I would suggest you get a different hobby.

Are you for real? Almost 80% of what you proposed to do was actually impossible. Don't you understand matramonial property? The wife "owns" half his business and half the assets he has stashed away. Including half the house, even though in his name. Just as you own half her cash assets hidden away. Contract laws mean he cannot cancel her insurance unless he owns it. Cannot cancel anything that is in joint names. This is a giant mess.

Plus, it seems he was an absolute idiot for 20 odd years, bordering on mentally retarded to not have some inkling of what was going on. I know what you were trying to describe but "reality" doesn't work that way.

I guess the divorce laws are different across the pond compared to the US (where Jack said he was headed). Like it or not, Joan could have had a case against H&H for unlawful termination. If she was fired, were the others fired also? After talking to the daughter, why bother with the son? Sold the business over night?

What might have worked better would have been the slow burn over the course of a week, finishing off with the release of the video.

Nice try but too much fantasy... One the PD and car registration canceled on a Sunday - nope notta. two the kids being shitheads, yup, but likely at their age he was being fleeced for their college costs - stop that and put them in a bind until bio-daddy can pay up. All the graffiti in less than four hours in broad daylight with all the people going through the front lawn free-bees, nope natta. The left coast California to retire/hide, have you seen the cost of living, taxes, and overall slum of CA - nope notta. Selling your 20yr business in 24hrs with surprised buyers financing a $million - nope natta.

/

It was a nice quick unrealistic fantasy BTB, but nearly totally void of stub revenge. Sure Bill getting divorced was a given. What was the outcome of the vid on FB or her maternal family support? What happened to the kids when Bill's well ran dry and no more college? Was there ever a divorce? One expensive piece of ass for Billy boy.....

/

But lets face it Jack never knew his kids or wife as he was just to busy working and willing to look the other way - so they took him for a ride - that he earned. He must not have ever had a real loving relationship with the kids or they would not have been clones of their mother.

/

Did Jack stumble across a loving rich widow GILF to give him his utopia?

/

4*, Hooyah....

While I did enjoy the story I was left feeling it needed more. I could see an excellent sequel. Four stars

You can't have it both ways, either this is a preposterous contrivance, or the cuckold is too stupid to know which way to turn a wrench. The wife wasn't a decent person who did wrong, she was a Sociopath, and in the end so were the children. Anyone want to contend that you really can't discern the abnormal perverse behavior and attitude of a sociopath? If so, then you better move into a custodial community because you, too, are too stupid, detached, and clueless to breathe. Someone like this whore wife would be as hard to figure out as being served tofu at a steak house. If you are that easy to fool then you deserve a fool's life. I've got a whole list of politicians you can vote for.

We don't know shit about Joan's hidden money, the asshole boss's hidden money, or any other reason to believe that all the cheaters and bastards came out of this just fine. Like any of them give a fuck what people think about them.

Ridiculous. But thanks for the effort. You might want to go to the Reality Store and get familiar with the product.

A solid four, maybe should've been a five. Whenever in the future I register with a name, this will be a candidate for a sequel (unless pietro108 does one of his own first).

Your protagonist has the brains to make video recordings and to sort out his finances, he cancels all sorts of things, packs his stuff sells his business, but is too stupid to go to the police and report that he has been drugged? What kind of idiot is that?

My big problem is the ending rolls to quickly. Readers are left hanging as to the kids fate, Bills ulitmate fate, the Bitch's destruction and some indication of Jack's possiblities post disaster. I did enjoy the read.

Not bad, but some serious weaknesses.

#1: Jack’s retribution was way too fast to be even remotely realistic. He got way too much stuff done in just 36 hours or so….and on a weekend! That hurt the story. Would have been easy to have had the “party” go on for at least a couple more days to give Jack time to do all of his stuff. Sold his business in one day? Come on, man 😎. And the graffiti artists just left tne jewelry in tne back yard???

#2: Those kids were ice cold. Again, not realistic. Not if Jack had had any kind of real parental relationship with them.

#3: No clue on how “everyone” now, suddenly, knows about this 20 year affair! On Monday morning customers are pulling their accounts and Bill’s wife is ready to nuke him? Based on what? Jack had ZERO proof of anything to inform her…no photos…no audio….he’ll, he didn’t even call Mrs H!

Look….readers like things to make sense even when a story is far fetched. You took a well worn LW trope, but fell short by not giving the reader any reason to buy in.

Thanks for trying!

(Barely) 3 ***

Well, I think you can write. That said, there are some things... Why did she stay married to a man she obviously despised? I don't see a single incentive for her to stay in that marriage. It wasn't money or love, so it is inexplicable. You had a nice opening move, but the end game was sketchy. Write another, please. Randi.

He should have driven straight to a hospital for blood testing and had them arrested, too.

another pile of crap that doesn't belong in Loving Wives. If you really hate women that much you're a sad fuck. It's about time we had a cheating wives section for all the misogynists on her who write this unentertaining garbage. 1 star.

The kids knowing he was not their biological father and keeping it from him was just downright cruel. At least he left them all with nothing. Apparently even the kids did not know anything about his business ( they would have told the mother) which makes me wonder about family communication of any type going on.. How could he not know his kids spent time at "Uncle Bill's" house? And how did that happen without Bill's wife becoming aware of the affair?

Then the wife just disappeared without the kids? What happened to them? Too many loopholes here for a full score.

Wow, of course there is now way for reconciliation.

But I would like to know what happened to wife? Did she ever feel any remorse?

What about the children? How are they after they are cut off from any money?

Ignore the negative comments. Not bad. Lead in was good, but your story did need a more detailed ending. Keep working at it!

badly written tired revenge That the kids could fake affection the entire time isn't believable Lastly putting

revenge porn on the internet can land him in prison for a long time Bubba will enjoy a new cellmate. I give it a 1

So, you read some other "company whore" stories and it looked easy, didn't it?

The story is rife with "Wait, what?" moments. Anyone smart enough to run a successful business is also too smart to have gone 20 years in that life. At least it was short...

He kinda about it the wrong way. He needed to sue the guy for the cost of raising the bastard kids first before tearing him down. He also needed to hurt the guy physically by pissing him off such that when attacked could claim self defense. The kids needed to be humiliated as well. None of the was done he just ran away. Not much of a man in my opinion.

Fuck’em all, the kids are just as bad as the whore mom

I liked it, but how did he get such vile kids?

While still having some side effects in his system from being drugged, and no vomiting wouldn't have cleaned out his system, esp., after he had passed out which proves it was in his system, he then proceeds to do all the financial stuff, list her car on ebay, empty the house while sorting what goes where and packing his car in a matter of hours? I realize this is story but that wasn't even close to plausible.

It would help your writing to bring in a little more reality. Either that, or list it in another category.

I love the idiots that run down authors for the writing. Let's see these idiots get off their fat asses and try to write something good.

That was beyond stupid. It would take way too long to critique.

Why didn’t he call the police and report that he had been drugged?

Wow, is that all?? Such a shame to waste a good start on just one page!

Do NOT write paragraphs that mix conversations and narrative. You repeatedly have paragraphs of one person talk, followed by narrative, followed by another person talking, followed by narrative. Good rules of thumbs: 1) when the character talking changes, start a new paragraph, 2) try to keep narrative and dialogue separate.

Redo. Kids were old enough to know something was up, especially when mom revealed the truth of parentage. They should have had some empathy/sympathy for "dad" but obviously were brainwashed toafs. Burn them to the ground.

Wife, she has not begun to feel the sting of her betrayal. She needs a comuppance worthy of the twenty years of lies, cheating, conspiring, theft of life he spent with her when he could have been freed to find a true and faithful love! Burn her down, leave no stone standing upon another.

The Boss and his minions. Not enough carnage in their lives. The company. Has not even been sued for the management/ subordanate relationship which ruined our Hero's life! The personal lawsuits have not been filed against the three stooges! (With profound apologies to The "Three Stooges") The boss and minions need to pay, if they consider themselves men, they should have been aware of the first rule of Man Club. You don't mess with the woman of another man. These three need to be incinerated in the heart of a sun as it is going supernova! Their atoms should be widely dispersed around the universe!

O.K., I feel a little better having gotten that off my chest.

I get a kick that just as the idiot husband opens the adjoining door she lets loose with her big reveal that she's been Bill's slut for twenty plus years, screwing the management just as long, the kids aren't his and the rest of her blather. What were they talking about before that? The weather? Plus the guy...oh hell, never mind. Harryin VA has the right idea in his comment. Just stop, please.

I want to say first that it was a good story. You would do well in the Loving Success catagory. That being said, there are a couple of things that I was hoping for that you didn't do, as I was reading. First, I was hoping that your character would have called the police and EMTs after finding out he was drugged so an official recorded made of it, as well as the video he made confirming it, for prosecution and civil lawsuits. Next would have been a further shaming of the adult children who had betrayed him via another Facebook post or some such thing. Although I do understand, ending where you did, let's the reader end the story in their own way, it might have been nice to continue, for just a little bit longer, to give the reader a little more depth to the destruction of the family as well as the wife's boss and his business as well as his cohorts.

Overall, though, great job. I enjoyed reading your story.

This story ended much too soon. I want to know if good ol' Bill continued to support slut Joan and those rather despicable kids. It'd be a shame if they suddenly had to pay their own way, wouldn't it? I want to know if any unfortunate circumstances befell the two slimy associates. I want to know if our hero eventually finds happiness.

These stories are unrealistic to the point of extreme. People who build their business with sweat and toil, don't just bail on the business and the house. Instead they plan, this story would have been so much more realistic had he taken that approach. Oh, and 20 years, he never figures the kids are not his.

Cliche filled.

i hope u have a part 2... if no then this is an incomplete and meaningless story with arating of 1

From early-on in this tale, every aspect is too ‘outre!’

Also, no character-dimensionality is attempted. We-The-Readers only know that each character (except for Hubby) is despicable. It is hard for WTRs to give a shit about Assholes about whom we know very little Hubby, on the other hand, is perfect and magic (or just very ‘lucky’ in the realm of revenge, despite being clueless in many other critical attributes!)

Finally, it is virtually impossible for WTRs to believe that financial gurus (who have been very successful for decades) would not have readily-liquefiable & available

tens-of-millions socked away abroad!

2* Harry in VA is pretty much right-on! Thanks anyway!

Good story. I agree that a little good for the MC would be nice and a lot of bad for the other would be awesome.

Very well written and believable.

Good story needs a second chapter

could use a better ending

Retarded

Jack's revenge is not complete, Mary and Jason are just as quilty especially since they are not his kids and knew. He needs to finish his revenge against Bill and the two others sharing Jack's wife.

Fun read. If only it was so easy to get cheaters!

Pretty shitty story line. 20 years a whore and the hard working husband had no idea.his kids weren’t his, they new this and went along with the whore. I do not think this could ever be pulled off in real life as this author wrote this absurd story .it just doesn’t compute ,doesn’t work, the man is drugged and his world explodes and he does all these impossible removals in a matter of days. Just crazy story telling ,.

You really call this a story. Where you drunk in la la land when you wrote this.

Ok for a first BTB attempt. Instant confessions through an open door and no suspicion for twenty years are very big gaffes. But you got hatred and disgust going pretty well but the follow through on revenge for all ( wife, especially kids, and all shitheads ) was very weak. This category is extremely difficult for new writers. But I think you should write a 2nd part to the story re-enforcing your weak points and giving your MC some brass balls. Time to reign hell down on them all!

Sorry made it to the phrase "We dont have all night I have to get back to cuckold" and the cliches had gotten so deep that literally only the single digit IQ'ed reader could read further through that. I hope it got better but i seriously doubt it. I nearly stopped after her boss suddenly wanted him there....a tree stump could figure that one out too.

I'll go with you hitting every other cliche beyond just the 10 you hit by half way through the first page.

And no, it was not written in any believable way, the BTB crowd can be just as easily made giddy as the cuck spank squad.

Honestly, if you cant actually put in the effort dont bother.

Wow! Thanks all. I love the comments and passion which was stirred up. I agree with most of the comments by the way. This was my first foray into this category and I know now I have heaps of work to do. I might even consider a re-write using the positive comments as a guide.

Definitely a sequel coming up!

cheers all

FINALLY REACHES ITS END AND USEFULLNESS. tk u mli lv nv

You asked for suggestions to improve your writing. If you are serious, here are a few:

Paragraphs. These huge blocks of rambling text are all but unreadable due to both their monolithic appearance and because of the changes that occur within which require a new paragraph; there are compelling reasons why English and every other language evolved this style. They are particularly confusing and unreadable when they contain dialogue. There are some great writing tutorials on Literotica in the "How To" category.

.

Plot. Think about your story. A man sees his wife and co-workers in an orgy. He hears that he's been drugged. How would 99.999% of men act? If they had a camera phone, they'd get evidence. Then, they would go to the nearest hospital's ER and call 911 from there. This would generate a toxicology report and police report. This would subject the guilty to criminal charges and be grounds for a massive lawsuit of the company, Bill, his wife and her co-workers. No reasonable person would walk away like he did.

.

I assume this party was on a weekend, which makes all of the banking work next to impossible. Try to deal with a credit card company on the weekend for anything except a stolen credit card.

.

The story was interesting but wholly unbelievable.

Where is the rest of the sotry where the kids find out their "father" aka sperm donor had not been paying for their college, and no longer had anything left to leave them in his will?

The glaring hole in the story was not fixable with "Shit Bill! We forgot about Jack!"

It needs at least one re-write.

Sure, the story is completely unrealistic, and the characters completely unbelievable, but that is not its problem. A far fetched power fantasy can be fun - if it is well written. Unrealistically cruel and shallow characters can work in stories like this - if they are well developed. Unfortunately, this story fails to deliver on both points.

With glaring plot holes and paper thin characters, there is no shock value. No real sense of betrayal. No feeling of justification on behalf of the protagonist. It all becomes meaningless, and therefore a waste of time to read.

And that is a shame, because I have a feeling that this author could do much better. But it would take a lot more effort, which I do hope to see in future writings.

I don't really care about the direction of narrative or the outcome, just that the story and the characters are well developed to suit their purpose.

The author needs to know what each character's motivations and personality is, and make sure it fits within the story's reality.

The author needs to develop a framework and a timeline for the narrative, so there is no confusion a to who does what, why, where, and when. No major plot holes allowed.

Then write the story. Then read it, and write it again.

Sprinkle generously with beta readers and editors.

Could be worse, but definitely not good. 2/5

Thanks for the story. The husband did what he could even if he was an unwilling clueless cuckold. The worm finally turned.

I you like extreme action then this would be a good read. I you want a touch of reality then this is a big disappointment.

Something should have happened to her 2x kids. Something like no more school... without loans.

Just too out there on the acts of the wife and her workmates. Stopped reading 2/3 of the way through. Writing actually pretty good, just content lacking. Thanks for the effort however.

I usually appreciate brevity but this story could have benefited from more development.

What happens with the kids?

Where's his revenge with the boss?

Raising his children deserves more than ruining his business.

Needs another chapter, or a rewrite.

Why the hating on the kids? They weren’t responsible for the facts of their conception. Does anyone really expect kids, once they find out, to go up to the old man and say, “Guess what, dad.”

Real kids would want to keep the only father they had really known, and they’d want to keep their mother, too. Maybe that’s unrealistic, but it’s what kids would want.

Everyone seems to think that kids should take someone’s side, but in reality they take their own side, wanting to keep their parents together, no matter what.

Totally formulaic, no interesting new take on a BTB story.

Could have been very good but felt very rushed. There were several holes all over this story and the end should have been at least a page more than what was there. 3 Stars for what was there.

Love it a disrespectful cheater deserves nothing which is what she got. 5 stars from me! Well written by the way.

Serious BTB story without any violence but total destruction!! Damn good read. Thanks for sharing.

Legit Cuck-yeah Nostra might think that the story was not realistic at all(only the raacs are realistic btw) and that you wrote this to please the btb lovers.

As soon as he heard that he was drugged, call the police. Have himself taken to the hospital, and everyone in the next room arrested. Then all the other actions can play out (in a realistic timeframe).

ZK

What country is it that you can simply email your bank and tell them to sell your house? Whenever I have bought or sold property, it involved a shit ton of signatures on documents that had to be witnessed and notarized, usually involving a lawyer somewhere along the way. Why would a bank assume the cost of selling your home, when it is your responsibility to make payments?

That is just one point, and it only a minor logic fail when considering the many major logic holes in this story.

I figure I must be in the minority of readers, because I believe that even the worst BTB LW stories should have some semblance of reality. The very core of the story, wanting the husband to be at the hotel, made absolutely no sense if they were just going to drug him and then have an orgy with his wife in the adjoining room while he was passed out. They had been discouraging him from attending company get-togethers (read sex orgies) for years and years, yet now, for no exlained reason, they wanted him there. To further humiliate him by finally flaunting his wife's cheating in his face? NOPE! No reason given.

Many of the other things the husband did in anticipation of divorcing his wife also made no sense or couldn't or wouldn't be done.

For the readers who like to see cheating spouses and their cheating partners get 'what's coming to them' regardless of the quality of the plot, they'll love this story. Me, not so much.

2 stars

Meh....Sort of paint by the numbers story. Not really buying the fact you took care of all that financial stuff on a Sunday morning.

Liked the story. My only criticism is that Both Joan & Bills total demise wasn't properly kept. Joan going home to find prospective buyers looking at the home and Bill coming to look for a place to lay to find out it was all over and their respective looks of Despair.

Cinco Estrellas!

Wow, just wow, where do I get my time back? None of that makes any sense. None of this is doable in the US. Insurance would pay for all her losses, courts would go after his assets because he can not legally destroy her personal things without replacing them. Utilities are paid in advance, so phones would work for another month, same with utilities and you just can't move money around like that. Sorry, just truth.

LOL, I'd have ordered myself a steak from room service and when it got there, use the steak knife to kill all of those fuckers next door.

Bit OOT and strained credulity quite a bit, but no worse than any foot long song bbc chuck tales. Pfffft

Hope he included Bill's children and their part in the deception in the social media postings.

This story could of had a stronger ending, keep at it.

1 star - bad idea

Nothing new all read TO many times. Nothing to remember. Maybe you can do better next time.

A joke of a read

First, thank you for taking the time to give us something free to read.

.

While I kind of understand the desire to 'run away' and not do the big hard work, ultimately, it makes me squeamish. Running away is weak.

.

Fine, running may be 'smart' (or may not be), but where is the man? Where is the man who would punish those that transgressed?

.

I've always believed that the 'two' was far stronger (and scarier) than the 'one'. I feel like he gave up the 'two' and became the 'one'.

.

I'm quite sure many will/would disagree, but my desire would be to go back into my room, find a couple good weapons, return to the adjoining room, and beat the holy living fuck out of the guys.

.

Smart? Probably not. But... how many bad people are bad simply because they know they can be and who the fuck will ever do anything about it? More than a few...

.

Would our society be better off if the 'bad' ones feared being bad? <shrug> Maybe we should find out.

Sorry you should have shot Bill and her as well.

If only it was that easy in real life to get rid of a cheater and punish the evil doers. He must not have spent much time at home raising the kids if they had so little feeling for him.

Only a 2

Should have wrote about the down fall of all of them including the two worthless people that were suppose to be his children

The downfall of these worthless people would have been a better read

Better luck next time