Imbalance Pt. 01

"I...don't know. I think so." She said reluctantly as she looked away from me. She knew what this was doing to me, and she felt bad about it.

"Do you still love me?" Another question that left me vulnerable.

"Yes...but it's not the same. Not like it used to be. Not like I should love..."

"A husband." I finished for her. Tears streamed down her face as she nodded. After that, we let the silence fall upon us. She walked back over to the couch and sat on it.

"So, what do we do now?" She asked softly, breaking the cold quiet. All I could do was sigh and shake my head.

"What do you think we do?" I asked harshly, pain filling my voice. I knew what she wanted. What she was REALLY asking. She wanted me to make this okay. To give her my blessing to find happiness with Doug, or whatever she was going to do. But she wasn't going to get that. I was not going to make it easy for her. I refused to swallow the bile of rejection and suck it up just to clear HER conscience.

Fuck her, and the Doug she rode (in on).

"You wanna leave? You wanna end this marriage? Fine. YOU do it. YOU go find a lawyer and serve me divorce papers. YOU move out of the house and find a shitty apartment. YOU explain to the kids why this family is breaking up. YOU take the initiative. I'm not doing a goddamn thing. YOU started this train wreck, YOU finish it."

"Frank..."

"Don't Frank me! Fuck you Claire! What did you think I was gonna say? I hope you find happiness? I'm sorry for forgetting your fucking birthday? I wish I coulda been a better husband? What did you think would happen when you walked your cheating ass into this office?"

The words that I said stung her. They hit her right in the heart. Just as they were intended to. Her face fell as more tears started to drop. But she held her chin up. With eyes glistening with tears, she looked at me and said, "I didn't know what to expect Frank. Maybe us having a talk. Working through some things. Figuring things out like adults. But honestly, I don't expect much from you anymore."

With that final note, she disappeared from my office.

***

If my life were anything like the stories, I would have been served papers the next day. Then there would be a brief few paragraphs about the term settlements. Then the next scene would flash by, and one of us would be moved out and getting on with our pathetic existence. If only it were that easy.

Claire did find a lawyer about a week later. If you think the fact that she found a lawyer was painful for me, trying living with the knowledge that she was actively LOOKING for one. Watching her on her laptop with an intense stare on her face, scrolling through searches, and watching her stop at one and click. Then, moments later, she would shoot me an uncomfortable look and leave the room, grabbing her cellphone with her.

I conceded to the fact that she was serious, and I began to search for a lawyer myself. It was Sarah, my assistant, who pointed me in the direction of Terrance Ross. Our company had a law firm on retainer, and he was the lawyer assigned us. He mostly kept us from getting sued and operating within this side of the law - at least on paper. He wasn't a divorce lawyer, but because he was part of a bigger firm, he could give some recommendations and talk to people on my behalf. That would get me someone who could help me.

I made an appointment and met him at his office. Once his secretary announced my presence, he came out to greet me.

"Mr. Underwood, nice to see you. Please, come in and take a seat." He said as he shook my hand. He then guided me into his office and motioned me toward the chair in front of his massive desk. I took the seat.

"So, what brings us here today?" He asked as he opened a notebook and took an expensive looking pen from his desk.

"Well, Mr. Ross, my wife is filing for divorce. Or at least she's going to file. She just found a lawyer, so I'm sure that it is in the works."

He nodded his head knowingly as wrote some things down.

"I see. Well, I recently went through a messy divorce myself. I know how it feels."

I nodded. His face took on a look of pity. But something else was there too. He understood.

"So, tell me. Was there infidelity? Abuse? Gambling problems?

"Yeah. I mean, no abuse or gambling. Infidelity. She cheated on me."

"Hmm. Did she give a reason why she was unfaithful?"

I snorted a laugh. "Said I worked too much and was never there for her."

He also snorted a laugh and shook his head. "Been there, done that. You work hard to give them the life of luxury, and it isn't enough. Honestly, I don't know what they want. They want a man who is successful, yet they want him to always be available to do EVERY little thing they want."

I sighed and nodded in agreement. It was nice to have someone understand what I was feeling.

"So Mr. Ross..."

"Please, call me Terry."

"Thank you Terry. Feel free to call me Frank."

"Will do Frank."

"So, I guess the only question that I have is, what do I do now?"

He sat back in his and I swear an evil sneer came across his face. Kind of like when a shark smells blood.

"Well, off the top of my head, I will say that you need to get a list of your assets. I'm not telling you to hide the ones that you can, but..."

I nodded as he continued.

"The ones that you don't will probably be split between the two of you. Like I said, I went through that not too long ago. But I think the most important thing you need to do is ask yourself what it is that you want out of this divorce. Do you want to annihilate her, or are you just looking to tactically separate and go separate ways?"

He seemed a little too enthusiastic about annihilating her. I guess that is what good lawyers are supposed to be like. Terry and the law firm that he worked for had been on my company's retainer for the longest. Terry was the lawyer they assigned to us for a reason. When our company came under fire, they sent him in. Problems had a tendency to disappear when he got involved.

"What are my choices?" I asked him. He smiled broadly at me, like he was waiting for me ask that.

"Well Frank, as you know, I'm not a divorce lawyer. Mostly, I keep your company from being sued, as well as handle other things that keeps them spit shined and sparkly clean. Avoiding things like patent infringement, code violations; things of that nature. But, I know of some people who I can refer you to. Who I refer you to depends on what you want out of this. I can send you the Navy Seal or the Marine."

"I don't understand." I said in confusion. He chuckled a bit, like he didn't expect me to understand.

"The Navy Seal, as I like to call my colleague Mike, is a guy who accomplishes the mission. He doesn't kill anything more than what is necessary. One shot, one kill. He is the guy that you send in to resolve things peacefully with as little bloodshed as possible. He isn't afraid to get his hands dirty, but he makes as little noise as possible. Have you ever heard about the Navy seals in the news? You won't. The only team you've actually heard of was Seal Team Six, and that was only because their target was so infamous. Americans needed to hear about Bin Laden's death. If it wasn't for that, you wouldn't even know they existed. That is Mike. Get in, finish the mission, get out. He is so good that I've seen the opposing spouse actually thank him for being so nice, like he did them a favor. But in reality, he got HIS client the best deal possible. He just did it with a smile.

Now Phil, he's a Marine. Marines are the dirty boys. They gut, kill, and annihilate all of those in their path. After they're done killing, they stick around to make sure it stays dead. They don't leave until the war is over, because the entire war is their mission. Phil will let you know that he is coming to screw you over, screw you over, and then laugh at your corpse. His first tactic is go for the jugular. There is no lead up to it. No progression. I have never heard of a pleasant divorce where he is concerned."

I could only nod and wait for him to continue.

"Both are good for their purposes. Neither one is better than the other. They just have different missions. Now, if you want someone to resolve the situation, do it neatly, and not scorch the earth doing it, I can get you Mike. But if you want send your wife crawling away with bloody stumps, then I can send you to Phil."

He seemed to enjoy his analogy. It was probably one that he'd given many times before. However, no matter how much Claire hurt me, I didn't like the image of her crawling away with bloody stumps.

"I'm not sure what I want right now. I guess that depends on her." I said finally. He took a breath as he eyed me with a sort of pity.

"Okay Frank. I get it. Believe me when I tell you, ending a marriage is hard. I've been there." His eyes glazed over for a second as if he were remembering his own battle. But he shook it off quickly.

"Just remember that there is a difference between being patient and procrastinating. In cases like divorce, usually the one who isn't scared to strike first is the one who ends up getting what they want. When my ex-wife Christine decided that she wanted a divorce, I sat around, hoping that she would change her mind. I started trying to win her back. I sent her flowers, jewelry, poems, the works. But she was determined. In the end, I was unprepared, and she took me to task. If you want wait around to see if she goes with her own Seal or the Marine, you may find yourself at a disadvantage like I did. Don't wait too long before you decide."

I thanked him and shook his hand as I prepared to leave. He walked me to the door of his massive office and ushered me out, handing me his card as I left.

"Call me when you decide. Good luck." He said as he patted me on the back.

I left his office, feeling worse than I did when I entered. When I placed the divorce on Claire's side of the court, I put the entire burden of it on her. If I'm being honest, I secretly hoped that she would realize that she didn't want it. But watching her actually seeking counsel with such fervor made me realize how much she really wanted to be done with me. Now, sitting on the precipice of my own decision, everything seemed so morose.

Did she love me at all? Had she ever loved me? For me, sitting in that office, speaking with Terry about how much bloodshed I wanted to end my marriage with was torture. It made me pause and really think about what I was doing to my marriage. Claire didn't seem to be suffering from the same hesitancy. She was full steam ahead. I do recognize the valiant effort on her part to not be a complete bitch about it, but she had no qualms within herself about what she was doing. Her only obstacle was how it was going to affect me.

She wanted this divorce. She wanted to be rid of me.

What were my options? Try to win her back? Quit my job? Or start doing the things that my engineer brain is telling me to do? The next logical step. Hiding assets, protecting my investments, preparing for the inevitable.

My brain was giving me a to do list that was of the utmost importance. But I couldn't shake the last vestibule of hope. That is what kept me from making a decision in there. By waiting for her next move instead of taking the initiative myself, I was leaving room for her to change her mind. I didn't want to do anything to exacerbate to situation any more than I should. If she were on the fence in any way, I didn't want MY actions to push her over.

Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.

The Architect- Matrix Reloaded

Isn't that the truth?

***

The following morning, I walked into the bedroom we used to share to look for clothes to dress for work. I was moving around quietly as to avoid waking Claire. As I was dressing, I took a moment to look at my wife, and my heart nearly dropped. It fell into my pants.

Claire slept in only a t shirt. She'd always done this. How had I not realized how beautiful she was? How had it slipped my notice, night after night, that I had this desirable woman lying next to me with only a few pieces of material separating us from carnal pleasure? My God! As I stood there, looking at her laying on her stomach, breathing softly as she slept while the short t-shirt rode high enough on her waist for me to see her panties, I was speechless.

It's funny, Claire and I hadn't really had a steamy sexual relationship for the longest time. Even before she started getting it from Doug. But now, when facing the prospect of never being able to touch her again, I ached to touch her. This is what I was losing on the brink of losing. What I'd took for granted all of these years.

Her soft, smooth legs that lay stretched out. Her ass was jutting up in the air invitingly, only covered by the thin layer of cotton. I could see the indent of the cotton as it dipped into the line where her cheeks met in the middle. The part that would spread if she was bent over, awaiting an intruder.

Suddenly, I wanted my wife like I hadn't wanted her in a long time. Discarding my clothes until I was completely naked, I slid into bed next to her. She moaned in annoyance at the disturbance, but she didn't wake. Very softly, very tenderly, I ran my hand over the smooth surface of her skin, reveling in the feeling. My dick was hard and poked obscenely in front of me as my hands rubbed her ass, giving it a light squeeze. Then I slid my hands under her shirt across her braless back

She gave another moan, but this one wasn't one of annoyance. It was desire. I wasn't sure if she were fully awake or not, but I was on a mission. I lifted her t shirt up high enough to expose the skin on her back, and I bent low to lay kisses on it. She let out another moan of pleasure as I lightly touched my lips on her.

My hands traveled down to her waist as my fingers gripped the waistband of her panties. She lifted her hips to aid me as gingerly slid her panties down her legs. I didn't fully take them off. I left them at her knees, because I was impatient. Her ass was in view and I hungered for it. I spread her cheeks, and I heard the sticky sound of wet skin parting. Then I dipped my head under her ass and found her waiting vagina.

The smell was intoxicating. The musk of arousal filled my senses and I began to feast on the meal of lust. I breathed it in, inhaled the aroma of desire and allowed it to awaken my inner sex demon. I hungrily lapped at her wet lips as my nose was jut obscenely between her ass. Her moans grew louder as she bucked her hips, pressing her butt into my face. I licked faster and more aggressively, sometimes making loud slurping sounds. I was so hard at that moment I thought I was going to explode.

She was on the verge of an orgasm. I could tell. She reached behind her grabbed my hair as she pressed me further into her. Her toes curled and she lifted her head off of the pillow as she gave out a cry.

"Yes Doug! Yes!"

I have never gone from fully aroused to completely turned off in a matter of seconds before this moment. Have you ever rapidly cooled white hot metal before? When metal is hot to the point of glowing white, it can be manipulated easier. Applying pressure will bend it to any shape that it is willed. But once it gets super cooled, it is solid. Unbendable. The only thing pressure will do at this point is break it.

That is what happened to my heart. It was super cooled. The excitement that I was feeling at the possibility of making love to my wife was instantly turned into a sick, gut wrenching, agonizing, awareness. It literally felt like a sharp, piercing stab to my chest. The bond that my heart had to this false hope was finally broken. I had lost her. My marriage was over. The only thing left was a heart that broke under the pressure.

With tears in my eyes, I got up off of the bed left the room. I think she tried to call out to me, but I wasn't listening. I ran into the safety of my office, slammed the door shut, and cried. Hard. The body shaking kind of crying, where your entire soul is open.

"Frank, I'm sorry. I was half asleep. I didn't realize..." I heard from the doorway. I turned to find my wife standing there, looking at me with pain in her eyes. I didn't even realize that she'd come in.

"GET OUT! GET OUT!" I yelled at her as I pushed her out and slammed the door in her face.

***

I hammered on the front door of the condo like I was the police here for a raid.

"DOUG! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE YOU BACKSTABBING MOTHERFUCKER!"

Neighbors began to peek out of their windows and crack open their doors to see what the commotion was about. I didn't give a fuck about them though. I had only one objective: to ram my fist into Doug's face as many times as it took to make myself feel better. After having my wife call out his name while she was on the brink of orgasm, he might be dead by the time I felt better.

I heard my cellphone ring. I looked at the display and saw that it was Claire.

"Calling to save your lover? Figures he'd call you to save him. Well, fuck you and fuck him!"

Claire's desperate voice blared through my earpiece. "No Frank! I'm calling to save you! Doug called the cops. They are on their way over there right now to arrest you. If you don't want to go to jail, leave. Think about your girls!"

This bitch had the audacity to lecture me about thinking about my girls. After everything that led me to this asswipe's front door, she felt the need to make me think rationally about what MY actions would do to the family. Really?

"I hope you realize the fucking irony of YOU telling ME to think about what I'M doing to this family! Eat shit Claire!"

She sighed impatiently. "Well, at least think about what going to jail could mean for your Security Clearance. You know how fidgety those guys are Frank! Going to jail could have you under the microscope for months. How is that going to affect your job?"

She was right. Fuck! I couldn't lose my job over this. My marriage was already toast. I wasn't willing to lose the only thing that kept me sane right now.

My silence made her laugh sardonically. "Right. Do the right thing for your job, if not your family. At least you know what's important."

"Claire, go to hell. And take your fucking boyfriend with you." I said as I hung up on her. I made my way to my car, but I still had one last thing to say to my ex-best friend.

"THIS ISN'T OVER DOUG! DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU BACKSTABBING ASSHOLE?!"

As I sped away, tears threatened to flood my eyes once again. Fuck this! I wasn't going to cry over this shit! I was tired. Tired of hoping, praying to some apathetic deity that he would wake my wife up and make her love me. She wants Doug. Not me.

I saw her face on the screen of my phone a few more times, indicating that she was trying to call me. I ignored every last one of them. She was the last person I wanted to talk to right now.

As I sped around a corner, completely ignoring the stop sign, I saw something move in front of me. My brain focused to a reality that stopped my breath. In front of me was a mother and her child walking across the street. And I was speeding toward them.

I slammed on my brakes and watched their faces turn to masks of horror. They froze, right there in front of me, paralyzed by fear. My tires screeched loudly as they gripped the pavement.

Please God! No!

Something, somewhere must have heard me, because my car lurched to a stop with a few inches to spare. The mother's face turned from a panicked woman on the verge of death to a maniacally crazed woman.

"ARE YOU CRAZY!? YOU ALMOST KILLED US! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!?"