In Defense of 'Suck'

How can this be? In an era that may be the most tolerant ever, people in all walks of life still use the word 'suck' negatively. As an insult or a denigration, this is not only offensive, but nonsensical. Is it not an inherent contradiction that a person who puts something down by saying that it sucks would also be driven to the heights of pleasure and happiness by being sucked?

The bad rep of 'suck,' of course, derives from straight-male homophobia. Anyone who sucks, or is believed to suck, must also be submissive, weak, cowardly, effeminate, and thus insufficiently straight-male. The extent to which the hate/fear of sucking derives from a straight male's self-doubt already fills endless volumes of fiction and non-fiction. What's perplexing is that the pejorative use of 'suck' is so common among people who would otherwise have no hostility to the pleasure-related act of sucking, performed by anyone.

The wider use of 'suck' also makes no literal sense, especially when applied to inanimate objects, concepts, and anything else that is not capable of a forcible intake of air, water, or genitalia. Except perhaps for a venting of frustration, nothing is gained from exclaiming "This Chevette sucks!" or "Capitalism sucks!" or "Hey FitzHall, this essay sucks!" Would someone saying any of those things want to see such sucking literally demonstrated, on that very someone? If, of course, you're really into Chevette tailpipes, and somehow getting them to work in the opposite direction, you might actually mean what you say.

It is highly unlikely that pointing out the silliness of this use of 'suck' will go far towards ending it. There have been innumerable screeds against so-called political correctness. Their underlying attitude makes it clear that any attempt to get people to think about why they say what they say will draw ferocious opposition. I suggest, however, that if some of us make an effort at substituting a different word now and then, we might begin the rehabilitation of 'suck.'

As a substitute, I propose 'bite.'

In pretty much any context, a bite by someone/-thing other than oneself is not seen as good. I believe that, as a vocal expletive, "That bites!" can be at least as satisfying as "That sucks!" Love bites are usually on the order of nibbles, intended to stimulate rather than cause damage. More severe biting in an erotic context can be reasonably be thought of as having a niche following. (If you object to this characterization on BDSM grounds, or out of a fascination with vampires, well, fine, you don't have to participate. You can find your own substitute word. I may not want to know it.)

One thing that may have to be overcome is another widespread use of 'bite,' which like pejorative 'suck,' seems to have been adopted by all kinds of people. Somehow, "Bite me!" became an expression of defiance, with the command form indicating that the person speaking actually wants to be bitten. My hunch is that this evolved from something like "Kiss my ass!" or "Blow me!" in the hope of expressing the sentiment aloud without getting the expresser into trouble. (These examples are yet more vestiges of straight-male homophobia. There may not be much from that wellspring that's worthwhile.)

Because the phrase "Bite me!" is quick and convenient, it probably won't ever be replaced by something that makes more sense, like "Go and get bitten by something you don't want to be bitten by!" Shouting matches generally don't feature sentences that can be diagrammed complexly. Still, I believe that the existing anger in this use of 'bite' (however misguided) can help people get comfortable with saying 'bite' pejoratively, when they might otherwise say 'suck' that way.

It was posited earlier that this era may be the most tolerant ever, and I should acknowledge that this might not be saying very much. Millions of people and numerous cultures give at least, shall we say, lip service to the notion that sucking (meaning in this case the oral stimulation of another human's happy places) is bad, and something that no self-respecting human should ever do. As troglodytic as this attitude may be, it at least reflects a revulsion to the act of sucking (sincere or otherwise). What this essay seeks to achieve is a decline in the negative use of 'suck' by people who enjoy being sucked, who are willing to suck others, or both. As for getting the benighted parts of the world to stop ruining people's lives in connection with actual or accused sucking of other people, this is a much worthier goal, but probably beyond the capabilities of an essay posted on this site.

For starters, every person of good will should try to get in the habit of saying 'bite' when one is in a foul mood which might ordinarily lead one to say 'suck.' In addition, one can seek to bring this habit to others who say 'suck' when 'bite' would be preferable, with this reminder: the acronym OSBIOS (which stands for Oughta Say Bite Instead Of Suck). A typical exchange might go as follows:

Football Fan: "The Giants suck."

Enlighted Language User: "OSBIOS."

Football Fan. "You suck."

Nobody ever said this would be easy. Persistence is required. Just imagine your satisfaction when, someday, someone to whom you say "OSBIOS" replies with "You bite." Surely you will celebrate by trying to get sucked, or by sucking.

If you can't get either one, your best course of action would be to say, "That bites."