In Defense of Vanilla

I've always taken more pleasure in pleasing him, knowing that I've caused his body to writhe and orgasm. I was convinced that I am submissive and would welcome the opportunity to partake in non- vanilla play. Granted it might have been because the narratives around vanilla sex paint it to be boring and non rewarding, or maybe its because I was accidentally exposed to BDSM porn at a very young impressionable age and have unknowingly carried that trauma with me since (mostly in secret).

I would often masturbate to soft ideas of submission and control, but never to ideas of pain. In fact, hard as I tried I never understood the appeal. It wasn't till I fell in love with the most amazing man I knew, that I began to recognize just how little I knew my own sexuality. I initially fantasied about giving up control with him as well but only recently have I come to understand why I have always confused the idea of pleasing my partner with the idea of submission. I recognize that we are told to think of certain behaviors as being enjoyed by only submissive women but I would argue that these acts are not embedded in cruel and demeaning traditions of berating women and their conception of self worth. I would argue that just because I enjoy pleasuring my partner more than focusing on my own pleasure, does not mean I like to be dominated and demeaned, I would argue that I am a proud and loving Vanilla partner seeking mutual love and satisfaction.

I always assumed that because I enjoy hair pulling, or being spanked while I ride him, or the feeling of his dick in my mouth, or the strange but interesting sensation his relatively colder balls create against my lips and chin as I suck him off, that I must be submissive. Or maybe, its because I would let him decide which positions to try (mostly). Or maybe its because I like being pinned down to my bed or next to a wall. Or maybe its because I like feeling his strong hands touch me, or his strong arms wrapped around me. Yet, the more I understand the depth of our sexual connection, the more I recognize how these acts, or the fact that I love to blow him and sometimes desire that he cum on my face do not reflect a desire to be submissive, nor do they reflect a desire to think of men as being the strong dominating type. I recognize that all this comes from a desire to please not him but please myself.

A desire to know that in that moment I am the center of his universe, to know that there is no control over each other but a carnal lust that sets the tune for our time together, a carnal symphony that somehow always creates a chorus of music we both want. He can tell, he can tell the minute I want to touch him, he can tell the minute my body craves his hands to move below my tummy. He can tell the minute my jaw tightens. He can tell exactly where I want him to be. Just as I can tell what hes in the mood for, just as I can tell that today is about love or adventure, just as I can tell that he desires me to move my head between his legs and feel him on my face, just as I can tell that he just wants to fuck me now and cant wait. To me, the fundamental beauty of sexual activity is completely misunderstood by BDSM practitioners. I have never understood the appeal of enslaving a person's body or mind. For me, sex is always mutually pleasurable.

It is sad to see that we live in a world where the idea of pleasing a partner is enshrined in notions of slavery, or submission. It is heartbreaking to see that narratives of heterosexual teasing and sexual buildup are encased in a crude conception of women being weak or vulnerable. That is not the case.

When I am with him, sexual activity can be and is a spectrum. Sometimes its just the physical expression of overwhelming love that I feel for him and sometimes its just simple carnal lust and passion that drive us to be together. Whatever the case, the idea that I am submissive to his mood and desires does not hold true. For me sex is not about ownership of a person but a beautiful wonderful expression of a deep silent instinctual understanding that connects two distinct minds, souls and body into one structure.

The dance between control and submission is one that's played by both partners. Does it matter whose on top? Does it matter whose hands are tied? Does it matter who is blindfolded? Does it matter that we dont usually use toys? At first glance it seems like it must and for a long time I mistakenly assumed that. However, we have tried all types of play, we enjoy them all together. Where would a BDSM couple classify this relationship? For me, if hes on top, his hands pinning my arms below him does not grant him power over me. We collectively set the rhythm, our moans of pleasure guide each other to build up and sweet release. If we change whose on top, does that change? When I am on top and get to set the pace, do I control him? Does he control me? The entire conception of control, domination and submission seems to be an immature understanding of the simple idea that it takes two to tango.

I do not mean to offend but merely question the narratives built around sex and submission. Are we both not equally submissive, vulnerable and naked? Do we both not place our ultimate trust and base instinct in knowing that our partner will not only love our body but also satisfy us deeply? Do we both not equally dominate and dictate which acts are pleasurable in that instinct?

I am sad to see that the crude narrative of submissive women as being slutty or merely 'cock meat' dominates our societies. I relish my sexuality, I love being slutty with him not because I am his to use and abuse (a narrative that is constantly portrayed by BDSM forums and the media) but because when I am with him the boundaries of slutty and non slutty behavior disappear. Why is it that I struggle to find a male term for slutty? Is he not also slutty and dirty when we engage in carnal acts of passion? Why must I be internally self reflexive on what my behavior means? When I crave his dick, does he not crave me? When he fingers me, my lips part in anticipation and my jaw tightens, I want to wrap lips and tongue around him, I want to feel him in my mouth, why is that something that takes away my agency? Does it not mean, that I find pleasure in it, pleasure he does not know, pleasure that is not about being dominated while he hovers over me, but pleasure from knowing that hes placed his trust in me. Pleasure from pleasuring him. Pleasure from watching him relax and release the stress that he carries. Pleasure from knowing that me choosing not to bite me, me choosing to suck him, me wanting him and needing him the way he wants and needs me.

I am actually almost sad that so many women are told to confuse sexual satisfaction with complete or borderline sexual submission. I was mistakenly one of them. A loving relationship welcomes all forms of play, we have 'no go' spaces just like other BDSM couples. I do not desire to ever penetrate him for instance, but his dick penetrating me does not mean he dominates me. It is us working collectively to fulfill our desires. Its my body opening up and welcoming him, its him being equally vulnerable and exposed as his dick rises to move away from him and towards me.

I desire him just as he desires me. I want to feel him inside me, I want to hold him and move with him, just as he wants to move within me and with me. Does that make us a 'boring' couple? All these forums on BDSM will have you believe that. However, for me, the fact that we both always have control but choose to give it up together, simultaneously, reflects how sexual pleasure and satisfaction can only be realized once we both recognize that despite all our vulnerabilities, we create beautiful expressions of longing and desire. We create a soft subtle dance that connects our base instincts with our emotions.

I pleasure him not because I am submissive, I pleasure him because I love his cock and the way it feels on my face, tapping me on my clit, sliding into me. I love him not because he dictates what I do, when or how I orgasm. I love him because in the time we are together, we create something magical, something wonderful, where both of us are equally vulnerable but equally powerful. We create an aura of love, of mutual satisfaction, an aura of collective bliss.