In for an Inch

"I gotta get this," my date said as her phone buzzed while we were waiting to be seated. The old-time Italian restaurant in San Diego's Gaslamp Quarter was cozy and romantic, perfect for Valentine's, and was packed. I had made a reservation months in advance not even having a date, knowing it would be impossible to find later. Her face glowed from the screen as she thumbed a response.

It was Valentine's Day and it was our third date. I had saved up for two weeks and had popped a blue pill. It was going to happen tonight.

The hostess tugged down on her obligatory knit dress as we walked back to our table. I scanned the room looking at the various couples, using my imagination to fill in the rest of the story.

There was a lesbian couple with hands clasped across the table gazing at each other. I imagined them going at it later.

A woman was complaining to her frowning date. Probably married. Probably his fault. I imagined them having makeup sex.

An older gentleman sat at a table with two young women...

My date slid into the cushioned bench seat along the wall of the restaurant. I sat down on the uncomfortable chair across from her. I opened my menu while she still had her head down in her phone.

Another couple was being seated next to us. The woman squeezed herself between the two tables, sitting diagonally from me. She had on a knee-length red pleated skirt and a white fitted blouse buttoned to the collar. Her thighs barely made it through the gap. She noticed me peering over the top of my menu and smiled. She had the kind of butt that I would turn around to look at if she walked past me.

The waiter moved in to take our drink order. I got my usual for an Italian place, Barolo. My date looked up from her phone for a moment and ordered a White Zinfandel. The woman across from me must have overheard because she stifled a smile. Scratch my idea for a fourth date in Temecula wine country. The waiter hustled away.

A row of mirrors along the wall allowed me to keep scanning the room.

I saw a young couple with both heads down looking at their phones. Millennials, I thought to myself. I pictured him boning her while she played Candy Crush.

There were a number of LBDs, Little Black Dresses. I had heard somewhere that is what women wear when they want to get nailed, though I might have heard that wrong.

Couples who did not make reservations months in advance lined the bar, the guys anxiously scanning for an open table, the women with folded arms and sour looks. More make-up sex.

My date still had her head down in her phone. She was a few years younger than me, certainly no millennial. Something had her full attention.

"Oh! Em! Gee! She is breaking up with him on Valentine's Day!" she exclaimed as she furiously tapped a response.

I was going to have to wait to find out what that was about. Our drink order had arrived so I took a sip and slipped back into my fantasy world.

The man next to us was about my age, short hair, no beard, sharply dressed.

The woman might be a few years younger though sometimes it is hard to tell. She had beautifully coifed short brunette hair. Modest makeup framed bedroom eyes. A matched set of red heart earrings, necklace and bracelet, along with modest high heels completed the picture.

The middle button on her blouse was hanging by a thread and I could see a little through the gap. I always look at that. I know I am not getting much but I still do.

My date wasn't exactly a knockout. She had a flat butt, not the kind I would turn around and look at if she walked past me. Her hair was overprocessed with at least two colors growing out. She wore loose black slacks and a turtleneck sweater that left lots to the imagination. Not much in the way of tits, though big and small they all look sexy to me. A little bit too much makeup hid behind her large frame eyeglasses. Did I mention she had a flat butt?

I was separated and it was difficult to find dates. I can understand a woman not wanting to get involved with a guy that might give his marriage another chance. I was new to online dating and I was three dates into my first connection.

The wife got the house. The guy she had been screwing moved in with her but it was not going to work because I was sure she would see what a loser he was and take me back.

I brought my mind back to the present. I scanned the ring fingers on the couple next to me, nothing. Possibly dating, possibly an escort. I settled on 'Sugar Daddy' and wove a fantasy around that.

The waiter appeared, ready to to take our order. My date had not looked at the menu so I gave my selection while she caught up. They had my favorite dinner special; Bucatini all'Amatriciana. I didn't want a big dinner to weigh me down later, you know, so I made it a half order.

My date wanted to know the difference between Chicken Piccata and Chicken Marsala. Both the waiter and the woman across from me stifled smiles. She ordered the Piccata, hold the capers, substituted vegetables and added a salad with dressing on the side.

High maintenance. I should have known from our second date at the San Diego Zoo. She didn't want to see the reptiles, spiders, or the monkeys with pink butts.

The waiter took off with our order and my date got back to mashing away on her phone.

I needed to tinkle so I angled out of my chair and walked to the back of the restaurant.

Two women waited at the door marked Signore. I stepped into Signori.

The toilet seat was wet with urine. I grabbed a paper towel and gingerly lifted it. Damn if it wasn't one of those ones that didn't stay up. I held it with the paper towel while I did my business, washed up and stepped to the door. When I opened it, the woman that had been sitting across from me pushed her way in, closed the door behind her and locked it. Without saying a word she stepped over to the toilet and hiked up her skirt with one hand and yanked down a red thong with the other.

I turned away. Isn't that what a gentleman is supposed to do? I could still get a glimpse of her in the mirror.

She must not have troubled herself with the seat as I heard the sound of a large stream hitting the seat and occasionally the water. Is that what they call the 'hover' method?

Wow! I thought to myself. Men aren't the only ones who pee on toilet seats! It kept going, the term 'racehorse' popped into my mind.

I turned back around when it sounded like she had finished. She was straightening her skirt.

Again without a word she stepped up to me a wrapped her arms over my shoulders and gave me a big wet sloppy kiss, pulling on the back of my head and forcing her tongue past my lips. I reached around to return the hug but she abruptly stopped.

She stepped to the sink and washed up, fixing her blouse. She reached into her purse, pulled out some red lipstick and touched herself up. When she was done she wrote something on the mirror, stepped to the door and walked out, looking back with a wry smile. The women waiting in line glared. There was one guy waiting whose eyebrows couldn't have gotten any higher. I closed the door, splashed some cold water on my face and straightened myself up as I caught my breath.

She had written a phone number on the mirror. Despite all the red flags waving I keyed it into my phone. I changed an 8 into a 9 on the mirror. Someone was going to get some weird calls tonight.

"That creep!" my date exclaimed as I slid back into my seat. "My girlfriend said he wanted me to join them in a threesome for his Valentine's present!"

"Like that's ever going to happen again!" she added while she furiously tapped on her phone.

I wanted to hear that story.

The woman sitting across from me must have overheard because I saw her stifle another smile.

I took sip of my wine as I waited while my mind spun around the threesome. I slipped into fantasy mode again. The two of them were naked with lips locked as she rode his cock and the girlfriend humped his face...

"Damn right you're breaking up with him!" brought me back to reality as my date tapped away.

Our food came and she commenced to pick at hers while occasionally tapping on her phone. My pasta was exquisite. I should have got the full order.

I paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and sent a message to the lipstick phone number.

< Hi there >

Her phone buzzed on the table, prompting a smile.

> Some date there < She wrote.

< Yup > I responded, catching the 'Yuppie' spell check before hitting send.

> Thank you for letting me jump the line for the bathroom, I really had to go <

< It was my pleasure > Brought out the wry smile again.

< So what are you two? Boyfriend and girlfriend? > I queried.

> No, guess again <

< Brother and sister? >

< Gigolo? >

> Nope and nope, you are running out of guesses <

I started typing 'Call girl' but was interrupted by her texting. > Watch it <

I backspaced, then glumly tapped < I give up > I thought about adding a frowny faced emoji but I am not an emoji person.

> FWB < appeared in the text window.

Friends With Benefits. I had heard about that but never experienced it. There was even a movie, though I remember being disappointed that I did not get to see any Mila Kunis benefits.

> What about you? < appeared next.

< Third date > was my reply.

> Ooh! You are going to get some tonight! <

< That is the plan, though it is going to be weird doing it while she is texting > bringing a chuckle from her.

My heart rate had slowed down a little and I tied to focus on my dinner. My date had said very little to let me know what was happening with her friend. I couldn't think about anything other than my brief fling in the bathroom.

"Look! She's throwing all his clothes out into the yard!" she said, showing me a picture of a guy with a pile at his feet. Poor guy, I thought to myself.

"Eeeek!" my date shrieked. It seemed like I was going to have to wait to find out what all was going on.

> I'll have what she's having < from the woman made me chuckle.

My date snarled, "He said, 'It's all good' to her!" prompting more furious typing.

I made a mental note to resist all urges to say 'It's all good' to a woman, any woman.

I noticed the gentleman next to me tapping on his phone and showing her the screen. I couldn't see what it was. She would shake her head 'No' and he would go back at it.

I took another break from my dinner and sent < Curious, what is he showing you? >

> It was his job to find another guy to join us tonite. He blew it so he is scanning the online sites to find someone <

I should not have taken a sip when I looked at her response as I almost spit out the wine.

> Why don't you dump your date and party with us? < from her.

I did a double-take. That made her laugh out loud. My heart started pounding.

Party. I had heard that is the term swingers use when they are asking folks to swap with them. That got my mind off in another fantasy.

I had also heard that is a term druggies use when they are asking folks to get high with them. Not interested in that. Damn, am I overthinking things again?

What is the saying? A bush in the hand? I was looking forward to epic first time sex with my date but she was preoccupied with anything but me. All I could imagine was her texting with me waiting for her in bed.

It was possible that the other woman was trying to hustle me, or lure me into a trap, or it was an elaborate practical joke.

The devil on my shoulder was whispering 'Do It!' in my ear while while the angel on my other shoulder was busy texting.

I thought for a minute then got an idea. I was not a go-for-broke kind of person but here I was, in for an inch, in for a mile.

I interrupted my date still busy with her phone, she paused and looked up. "So, seeing as how your friend is without a date on Valentine's, why don't you ask her to join us for a threeway tonight?"

She let out a shriek, "Oh! Em! Gee! You cannot be serious!" Everyone in the room was now looking at us.

She grabbed the glass with the Zinfandel she had barely touched and tossed it at me. She did not throw like a girl. She jumped up from her seat while I wiped my face.

"Worst Valentine's date ever!" she hollered as her flat butt marched out the door.

The room was silent. I was sure every man and woman thought I was a creep.

The woman sitting across texted two eggplants, one taco and a bunch of fireworks emojis. I suppose I could be an emoji person. My face could not have glowed a brighter red.

She calmed things down by introducing herself and her date. I gave her the obligatory weak handshake, with a strong one for him.

"Let's go hit the town!" she said. I piped back, "I'm in." We settled up with the waiter and I followed them out of the restaurant through a sea of glares and raised eyebrows.

Her pleated skirt swayed in perfect rhythm as I followed them down the sidewalk. It was almost as if she had picked the perfect length for maximum sway. She knew how to walk in heels.

Her blouse was sheer and I could see the outline of her bra straps. I always look at that. I know I am not getting much but I still do. She turned to look back at me and gave a wink.

I hustled up to walk next to them. He had one arm over her shoulder. She put her arm around my waist and pulled me in, I returned the favor. We got a few curious stares as we walked in step.

I wasn't familiar with this part of downtown. She turned us down a side street and we walked up to a place with no visible sign. There was a line of folks waiting to get in held back by the obligatory velvet rope. It was mostly guys, though there were a few women. I noticed that some of the women were kind of husky, obviously guys in drag.

Was she taking us to a gay bar? A loud thumping bass coming from inside confirmed it.

She said something to the bouncer and he quickly let us in, followed by a chorus of boos and hisses from the crowd. I had never skipped a line like that before. Cool, I thought to myself.

We snaked our way trying to find a place to sit down, finding an empty high top along a row tables. The folks sitting at the other tables had their heads buried in their phones. She held up three fingers when the server showed up, saying, "Tequila."

We started with a round of introductions.

She was twice divorced and had started a new life crewing a yacht in the Mediterranean, then bootstrapped a yacht charter business into a small fortune allowing her to retire early. She was in San Diego for the week.

The tequila appeared, we clinked and wished each other a Happy Valentine's, then pounded them back.

He piped in with his back story. He had been a model and actor but got homesick and moved back to San Diego, he had wandered between jobs that allowed him to surf and ski.

I told them about having a wild time in college but then getting into a boring marriage that I tried to make work for twenty five years. I was just getting started on the dating scene and that it was my first chance to get some action that I had blown up at the restaurant.

"So tell us a story from those college days!" she yelled over the music.

I spun a tale from my freshman year.

There was a group of us staying up late in the dormitory, watching SNL on the recreation room TV. There were four guys from the fifth floor where all the athletes lived and us four of us from the third floor where the science and engineering majors lived. Two women were with the 'Jocks.' Needless to say, there were none with us 'Nerds.'

Conversation started mild but soon turned racy. Somehow we got the two women talking about their oral skills. Somebody blurted out, 'Let's have a blowjob race!' Another piped up 'Third floor versus fifth!' The ladies looked at each other and said 'You're on!'

'No hands!' somebody chimed in. 'Gotta swallow it all!' was added. 'Losers have to kiss the winner!' got everyone saying 'Ooooh!'

Somehow I got picked to be the anchor leg on our team.

We formed up two lines with the women on their knees in the middle. 'Ready, Set, Go!' and they started pulling off belts and pulling down pants. The first two guys were already hard and they started sucking.

Our guy got off right away, she showed us all a big puddle of goo in her mouth. The other guy was not far behind. Everyone was yelling out encouragement.

The next guy on the other team had a worried look on his face as our next guys blew their loads. I took over the lead for the 'Nerds.' She still had his stuff dripping from her mouth when she started in on me. I thought it was going to go fast but then started getting self conscious. The other team caught up and they were on their last guy.

All the yelling and clapping had got to me. I had never had sex or even been naked in front of a bunch of people before. They must have noticed I was having trouble and yelled out at their guy to get going.

For a moment I panicked thought it wasn't going to happen, but then I looked across at her kneeling in front of the other guy and I could see a sliver of her panties peeking over her jeans along with the slightest hint of her butt crack. That was all I needed, unloading a huge gob of stuff in her mouth. High fives all around, we started chanting 'Kiss him! Kiss him!' and then booed loudly when the other guy chickened out.

By this point, the folks sitting next to us had looked up from their phones and were leaning over to hear us better. The server showed up with more shots. "It's on us! Just tell more stories!" one of them chirped.

The other guy told a tale of a soft core porn movie he had been in. It was one of those ones where they only show bouncing boobs and grimacing faces. He said they put shields on so that you would not get to see anything anyway even if they got the right angle which they never do. He said after they were done shooting they took off the gear and had a full blown orgy with all the crew joining in. He added that he had never done hardcore porn, though he didn't say why.

She wove a story from when she worked a charter with a bunch of high rollers who had hit it big at a casino. She explained in exquisite detail how she and the other crew members pulled in some good tips that night.

More people had pulled up chairs around us. It was my turn again.

I had another story from college days. I had gone out for the Ultimate Frisbee team and and I was invited to a team party. All the guys were there, along with two women that hung out with the team. You know how volleyball has volley dollies, hot women who hang out with the hot looking volleyball men. The guys on our Frisbee team were not very hot and neither were our groupies. One was skinny and pale, the other was I guess you would call zaftig, big but shaped like a woman. A lot of alcohol was consumed, then someone got the idea to play strip 'I Doubt It.' The game was easy to lose and everyone got stripped down pretty fast. The skinny one had a padded bra and lacy undies. The other was overflowing her bra and had on granny panties. At that point, the chubby one announced 'I want to do the team!' which brought out a cheer. The other woman quickly put on her clothes and dashed out, along with some of the guys who said something about having girlfriends. That left five guys and me.

'Low card goes last!' shouted one guy, five cards were pulled, all face cards. My turn, a two, 'Deuce.'

We all had our eyes on the granny panties as she pushed the first guy down the hall to the bedroom and closed the door behind them. The rest of us leaned up against the door. They got at it right away, he must have skipped the foreplay.

We could hear a load 'Whop, Whop Whop' sound with lots of moaning and groaning. 'I'm going to come!' followed by a loud grunt meant the first guy was done. 'Next!' he yelled as he stepped through the door. We listened to the next guy with more whopping, then and 'Oh God Yes!' as he let go. 'Next!' That guy got a razzed when he sheepishly stepped out after finishing quickly. 'Next!' and another guy took his turn. He was perfectly quiet until we heard a loud 'Aaaaaargh!' 'Next!' The last guy took a long time, must have masturbated before the party.