All Comments on 'In Jail'

Thanks heaps for your contribution

liked it a lot keep writing.

First of all, a nice first story. In particular, good dialog.

I'm still trying to figure out what I think about it in general, so will type as I think.

1. The flashbacks/interludes were jarring and weren't needed. This was a pretty quick bit of fiction. You didn't really expand on relationships in general, on Russ' mother over the last six years. Over the Chlorine 4. About the nephew. I think for a short read, focusing on the now would have done better than the rather abrupt flashbacks.

2. Again, I liked the dialog. A lot is stilted on this site, so you did a good job and should definitely keep writing :)

3. It's unclear why his mother went this route. She can't have any enforceable contract on splitting whatever Carla gets. She'd be much more likely to be reasonably taken care of by her son (even if they were distant) than by Carla. It would have made much more sense to spend the six+ years, reviving their bond.

4. Carla should have had some internal conflict, rather than being a complete Jezebel. That she spent six years, utterly with no feelings for him, and he never noticed reflects poorly on everyone. If she had developed feelings for him too, and was conflicted what to do, she'd be more human. Hard to imagine faking absolutely everything for six years without his noticing.

5. He seemed pretty cognizant that things weren't on the straight and narrow when Carla kept trying to get him to go out, and then when she and Keith both showed up at his apt. Makes it even stranger he never noticed anything while they were dating or for six years of marriage. He wasn't obtuse.

Anyway, those aren't criticisms, just positive critiques to help as you refine your writing. Thanks for the contribution.

Jumped around too much, what happened to his mother? Useless story line if you're not going to say how she reacted. Waste of time even including her, but even with that said, on of the better submissions for a while.

Well done.

All in all a good story and well written.

Going to and fro, past to present, was clear and easy to follow, some other writers could take note.

Sadly, for me, the ending came across a little rushed. I would like to have known his mothers reaction to the prenup and divorce shenanigans. Also, once he did indeed receive his inheritence, how did the ex and co take it ?

I liked it and gave it a 4*

Carla and Keith should have been more upscale grifters for the money involved. For the extent of her collaboration in scam Mom should have had a few plumb scenes as well. But overall, I concur with praise in prior comments . Humor and jumping time frames kept me on my toes, wobbled but didn't fall down. A lot of authors would have botched one or both of those tricky story elements.

LittleDonny challenged himself as first time author along with readers. Aquitted himself in enviable style especially with pseudo- give it all away twist at end. As a wannabe author , color me jealous . Kind of torn on score but factor in the courage to submit very first time in Loving Wives ? Full marks *****

More!!! God story!! Good writer!!

Some loose ends, somewhat jumpy, but a nice read. 4*

Like it a lot. Actual personality in a lit story? Wow!

You have talent and I think you'll only get better over time, from a very promising start, so please, lots more!

Good story, well written.

I loved it. Great writing. Great plot. Characters are perfectly developed to the level necessary for their part in the story. Those readers who wanted more about other characters should remember this is told from Russ' pov, not an omniscient narrator. Russ tells us what we need to know, according to him. The flashbacks also fit that way, being brief memories of his about the situation. The Chlorine Four plus mommies don't need to be more polished. They are what they are, Dairy Queen grifters.

Hope you have more stories in you. 5*

Only finished 2 pages but character description contradicts behavior.

Sorry, but for a reasonably intelligent man with a mother that is a goldigger his actions are not consistent.

At 23 years old a typical male character would be believable in not recognizing Carla and Keith, their actions. Unfortunately, your protagonist described himself as being very knowledgeable about motivation, greed, a cheater. His job results seem to validate this belief. It's unbelievable that this marriage lasted 6 years. When Carla and Keith visit him,I mean come on, she couldn't be more obvious!

So far the dialogue is natural. Character development interesting and deep enough for the story.

I'm liking this story and believe it is a good first effort LittleDonny. Except for the basic flaw at the beginning which ruined my suspension of belief.

Oh no. I hope I didn't jump the gun, lol!

AMerryman

5 stars, easy.

Good reading...and funny too...And say he was lucky...mothers like his, usually kill their children while they are still very young...4*

Really liked the begining, but then I felt it wimped out at the end. Maybe it needed to be a page longer?

I can only bring up a couple of comments on this story. My take? The back story was mostly not needed. The set up was so obvious that our hero had to be dumber than a box of rocks. Who goes along with his wife and her boyfriend hanging together all of the time? He saw they were close when they came to his house. What would the mother gain from the treachery? Did the mom trust the wife? If so, why? They risk $40 million to have sex while hubby is in 'jail'? Keep writing because the world needs some good BTB stories!

Could have done without all the back story, especially the back and forth. I DID appreciate the tildes (~) indicating the time shifts.

"But I'm not going to get it! Five! Five, that's what Keith said! Now I'm not getting my twenty!" – Come on! It’s obvious Dorsey was bribed to keep Russ out of the way, she’s WAY to friendly with an EX-boyfriend, and she obviously lied about not leaving the fair. He should have called her on it right then, told her he KNEW she had left, probably to screw Keith, and that they were through! Of course, then we couldn’t get the silly amateur spy crap!

And the “Me Night” crap. Obviously making him eat cream pies! It’s bad enough that she never really broke up with Keith, and only married him for his inheritance (probably with the advice of his own mother!), but to add humiliation to the mix? That’s totally unforgivable!

And it may be one-sided, but there’s enough obvious in that phone call for any impartial observer to take his side.

“She sucks my pussy better than either of you boys." – My GOD, she’s not only cheating with Keith, but his MOTHER?!

“she allowed him both her pussy and her ass, something she never gave me, and encouraged him to move back and forth between them” – I’m certainly no expert, but can’t that cause a vaginal infection?

WTF? First he tells her he’s getting $37 million, then he’s betting she’d put up with a lot for $38 million, THEN he talks about her getting her hands on $40 million. I realize there’s interest, but his inheritance went up $3 million in a few paragraphs!

“so what had I really lost in the long run?” – Except if she was faithful YOU’RE straight up enough to be faithful to her, and stick with her.

And I know it's small change compared to $41 million, but he should be able to fight that divorce settlement, just for spite!

Needed to be longer.

Wife gets what she deserves, a man willing to let her fuck for money.

A lot of my qualms and qualifications were placated with repeat perusal. I still think nefarious mom needed just one bravura scene , giving her killer line where we see first hand hint of her duplicity. All of her transgressions were in past with divorce imbroglio . The jail scene with autistic nephew in law ( very sensitively handled ) shined even more with perspective .

Carla was an excellent heel from start to finish , it does raise question how Russell dealt with her for 6 plus years. With my 20/20 wannabe author hindsight , I would have written one scene where she's tender to hubby or reveals an insecurity that serves as red herring to contrast with subsequent, incredibly damming and vile phone call reveal.

Rough revenge sex scene excels in details . So out of character for Russell , but he had latitude after being deceived and duped for entire span of marriage. It's not like Carla drifted back to Keith after a few years. It's basically what I'd like to do to Chelsea Handler on behalf of all men . Someday.

Initially I dithered in awarding full marks. My bad . This was slam dunk quintuple star read with encore effort. I thank effusively LittleDonny for sharing.

The dad was dead before he started work.

Could have been placed in Humor (almost) - I thought it was funny and the dialogue was excellent. Great entertainment. Just can't take it too seriously.

He was stupid, oblivious, a pussy, and liked to pee on women. And we're supposed to identify with him? I don't think so. That shit won't flush.

This fool is the toilet of LIT and the asshole too 5 for a good story!

the main thing i didnt like was the amount of payback he did. what did he do to his mother for what she did. he didnt invite her to is birthday party. wow, thats way to harsh. yes for any idiots out there im being sarcastic. all you the author had to do was write how he used his money to make his ex and her sister and his mom and their asshole boyfriends lives hell. in a small town it wouldnt be very hard.still an okay try

I would have liked to see the Chlorine 5's reaction when they found they had been conned though.

The only character out of whack was his mum. Surely she would have been better off getting into his good books and milking him that way.

Just some thoughts but a really good read anyway.

the whore of Literotica, bonnietaylor has spoken. Always the same shit, different day. Give it a rest cunt. Nobody cares what you have to say anymore. Your whining is getting old.

Can't say that was one of the better stories, but it's better than most of the trash posted in this category. 3*

That was some pretty poetically fitting BTB there. Rough sex is fun between spouses who love each other. Hell, my wife and I like it kind of rough on occasion. Sex is always better with someone you really love, after all.

But man, this was a GRUDGE FUCK! While I'm not usually a fan of physically abusing Wifey in tales like this, I'd say the Golden Shower that Hubby gave the Gold Digger fit very well. It was the only "Gold" she would get from him, in the long run. Ahh, Puns!

5 Solid Stars. Great first effort. Keep writing! :)

The plot and climax was easy to figure out after reading half of page one. It amazing how guys marry these hood rats, when they know what type of person they are. If they get taken to the cleaners, it's their own fault. Ray Charles could have seen that she was still fucking Kieth, and along with his mother, were trying to set him up. It's no way a man as dumb as the husband in this story could have the brains to hatch and execute a plan to keep his money out the hands of these greedy, seedy characters.

If you follow Gator it is amusing and a very light. The start was very good. The detail of the donation leaves me slightly bothered.

4 stars.

switch back forth in time ruined it. page 3 as far as I could take.

2 stars, hopefully u improve if continue to wrte

Entertaining story. Feel sorry for the nephew.

And sadly, there are people as foolishly infatuated as to put up with behavior that shows what to expect later. I've told my kids "The way your significant other acts before you get married is as good as it will ever be. If they act dishonorably or disrespectfully then, just walk away and be thankful you found out in time."

Shows what stupid, shallow people will do for money.

Was great till the end!! Would have been nice to read about him showing his mother and ex how he won in the end!!! And how he moved on!!! Just seemed to stop ✋

This story uses the well worn plot device of a scheming wife expecting to get half of an inheritance. THIS NEVER HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE. There is marital property (property acquired during the marriage) and separate property (property acquired before the marriage and inheritances). Inheritances are ALWAYS separate property unless they are converted into marital property. A spouse has no claim on separate property.

Scalia

He kept bragging about her looks. Maybe next time he'll look for a little more between the ears, and lot more near the center of her chest. What's between the legs is all pretty much the same, once you get used to it. And its the first to go when things start to age.

Cute, but not great. Thanks for your time and effort.

When he didn't have any type of confrontation with his Mother and he let his bitch ex-wife and her fellow conspirators get away scott-free. Sitting Judges don't have the authority to ignore pre-nups and I thought that he was filing for a divorce immediately?

Besides which, he better be quiet. Nothing to say that the bitch can't go back to Court the minute she finds out he was lying about the big money.

Attempt at flashbacks was irritating. Couldn't get past the first page.

I would not say it sucked. Definitely agree that the constant flash backs were very annoying and came close to destroying this story.

Went back to finish the story. I like it! Gave you 3*s.

I look forward to seeing another story by you soon LittleDonny.

AMerryman

Some have called the interleaved backstory flashbacks, but true flashbacks are memories triggered by current events in the narrator's world. This is more like an interleaving, where two stories proceed in their own timeline, like pages of a book or deck of cards shuffled together. In this case, the other story is related to the current story, but not by necessary hooks in the narrative, which are what occasion true "flashbacks". The interleaving technique has a great history, the oldest of which I am personally aware is Swift's "Tale of a Tub"

Great first submission

....that made obvious between the there and then versus the here and now made it both more interesting and more clear what a dupe he'd been. The excuse about being easy-going doesn't pass the dumb-shit test. He was studiously blind to the obvious, even stating he felt his mother was behind the charade.

All of that to have a "divorce 'slam dunk' with uh-oh " kind of day day, kind of took some of the fun out of for me. As shrewd and aware as he was in all other matters, he should have caught this early, like before the Titanic hit the iceberg and sank. And, having gone this far, the judge has no power to require paymen s, when the marriage was an obvious fraud. Under those rules, he could just have it annulled and move on. But that would have prevented that sparklingly adept exchange at the end.

Oh, and you left I finished business. Mom.

OK, so get to it. You owe, buster. You owe.

Other than those issues, the editing was OK, and the story had a fair amount of sarcastic fun.....once we get over the fact that he's dumb as a bag of rocks about his situation (as he reveals in parts and starts throughout).

Thank you. Please continue, but work on technical details and make sure the idea is plausible enough to avoid getting stoned by the readership here. They're a brutal crowd and not prone to forgive faux pas in storytelling.

You will only get better. Thanks for sharing

Very good effort. My only wish is that there was a bit more twisting the knife at the end- I'm not much for revenge and suffering like so many anons are, but the "chlorine four" deserved a heaping helping of humble pie and having them learn about the missed inheritance would be sweeter. Keep up the nice work.

The fifth star would have been there if the guy had done something to get back at them....and used a better lawyer! There is no way a judge could ignore both a prenup and evidence of deliberate fraud and conspiracy without having it blow up in his face IF the guy had a decent lawyer. Why is that important? As written the fact that he had to pay anything would mean that when he got his money he could be dragged back into court and the amount he had to pay adjusted to reflect his new net worth!!!

As I've said before, the very rich look at life, and money, a lot differently than the rest of us. It would be easy to arrange for an accident to happen to the three main villains, like a car wreck, that would kill all of them at the same time. Much neater and without the risk involved with a divorce. This could be arranged through so many layers that there would be no way it could be traced back to him even if someone suspected something. I like realism in my stories if possible, and the guy just seemed too damn smart not to see the danger of going into court without the very best lawyer money could buy, or of just avoiding having to in the first place.

Nice

Don't be a stranger

Was this.

It was a very nice, albeit not perfect, bit of short story tailored for Loving Wives demographic. Not high minded nuff' or politically correct for your elevated tastes ? Feel ever so free to fuck off to Flannery O'Conner's compendium of short stories currently gathering dust in nook of your local library.

and the Sr DumbAss Russel stays true and right under the same tree. TK U MLJ LV NV

since there is 5 needed for a coven, TK U MLJ LV NV

Nice story. I really liked it. Keep writing, and Thanks to share it with us

P.S. Forget the critics, they're never happy with a story since they can't write. Envy...

...are loving wives! 5*

The one I am afraid for is the nephew. As for his mother, I would have sent her a birthday invite, tell her where to stick it and move on.

A better lawyer would have noticed that the whole marriage was fraudulent on her part and filed for an annulment, probably bringing the DA into the case since the attempted fraud was for big money.

Actually if he took the recordings to the DA even after the divorce he could probably get them put in prison and the first judge's ruling overturned.

But then inheritances are exempt, so their plan was for nothing.

@Anonymous 03/02/16 Re:editor - Nothing in the story indicates that his father was still alive. He's 30, his father died 8 years ago when Russ was 22, Russ could have graduated at 20-21 so could/would have been alive when he got the job. As for the promotions, I can see how you might think that his father was alive to help with the promotions, which as you say shouldn't be possible. But the supervisor's words clarify thing: "[Your father] recommended we take a look, and I've never stopped looking." So the supervisor is acting on things Russ's father said BEFORE he died.

And I know I said it in my earlier comment, but for him to let them get away with the lie about not leaving the fair defies logic. I realize YOU needed him to do it to set up the rest of the story, but you never had him give HIS reason for never calling them on it.

Again repeating myself, but there HAS to be some recourse to that judges obviously biased judgments! I wonder if Adrianne is screwing him?

JPB would be proud of this story. I loved your narrator's voice. He knew that there was a problem with Carla and nearly canceled the wedding. You should have had Carla get herself pregnant by him to try to secure her status. This is the only way he should have gone forward with the wedding because he was thinking with his little head.

The revenge fuck was perfect. He had the video and knew what she had done and used his anger to get rid of his daemons with sex. The twist that caused her to reveal herself when she thought he had given away the golden egg was perfect. I would have enjoyed some punishment for his mother but this story was perfect. I don't visit this site often these days because most of the good authors have quit or died. You are a welcome addition. You are a great story teller. Thanks for your work.

reasonable man

Anton got it right. It is almost impossible to break a pre-nup, the trust was in place before the marriage, and the long term behaviour would have been irrefutable.

I feel most regret for the nephew, without his mentor he will have an even more difficult time of it.

Your unique take on school fund raising worked well. Took me places I'd never considered and they have made for a fun trip.

Thanks

It sounds like this was set in the US. And maybe you're not aware, but the US is composed of 50 separate republics, each with it's own different set of laws. I'm not familiar with the laws of every state, but I do know that where I live, an inheritance is not exempt, sadly enough.

Real talent on display here and I hope the author writes more. I generally agree with LordSlamDog's assessments, so I won't repeat them...I'm always surprised at the venom unleashed by LW readers, some even advocating for murder and mayhem, perhaps to placate their own inner demons. Just thinking aloud here, but some graduate students studying marriage will someday be studying these stories and comments for insight into 21st century marriage... 5 stars, of course.

I sure hope he hires some goons for a little whoopass revenge on Keith and Carla, mom too! They got off way to easy.

I have to repeat my earlier comment. Any normal person says stop your fucking lying, I was out here twice and the car wasn't here, and the hood is warm which means it was just driven, so where the fuck were you and what were you doing?

"I toyed with the idea of coming home early" - Why not do that? Not to kill them, but to catch them in the act?

Really enjoyed this story, my only complaint is that the mother should have had some repercussions thrust upon her as well..... 5****

sexcellent.

The only miss to the story is how his mother and the judge were hot and he didn't get it exposed to the Bar to nullify all alimony to the slut ex-wife.

I'm sure glad his instincts/gut told him to get the pre-nup, and that he had foresight to see the legal system could/would screw him (expecting mommy dearest to be on her knees in chambers). Actually, with is EX's confession recorded couldn't he sue his mother over 'conspiracy to commit fraud' (the marriage) and even 'alienation of affection' - after all it is just business not love?

And I'm sorry dad, he should have setup a required pre-nup, and the inheritance law firm to covertly safe guard his son doing backgrounds/PI work. Daddy fumbled.

Hire goons to touch up Randy and Keith a bit. Have PIs keep watch on all five and make sure no one every hires them. Then when they are proven to be bad parents who can't feed their kid, he gets the courts to award Dorsey to him. Dorsey grows up rich and never shares with his folks at all. Finally our hero calls up Sierra and has a better life.

I enjoyed this story, and the others you've wrote, but I do have a couple of comments.

The sitting judge may have ignored the pre-nup, but odds are an appellate court wouldn't have. If he was truly dissatisfied with the trial court's ruling, he could have appealed. I'm guessing, however, that he was happy to be rid of her for only $54K.

Also, in many states (such as in my state, Pennsylvania) property acquired by inheritance is NON-marital property and hence not subject to equitable distribution/division. If his state was the same, then he didn't have to bother with the phony charitable gift scheme.

Finally, I would have liked to have seen a little payback, too - if only to knock the smirks off the faces of the "chlorine four."

Keep writing; I love your stuff. -- Jim Z

I know that he lived ever after satisfied, but me I want to know the future of his mom, his ex, her sister, and the other scumbags. Just saying.

The worst cheaters and low-life's are in this tale. They received just what they deserved in the end. Nothing and each other. Great tale.

Five Stars

Protagonist is dumb as a box of rocks.

Desrved all the pain for being so stupid.

Hmmmm.... now that he has 40 mil maybe I can sell him the Brooklyn Bridge.

Okay, you got me. I enjoyed your LW story and the shifts through life. Like watching a good soap opera, even though I don’t. Heck, I love a smile while I am having my morning coffee. Thanks for sharing.

I liked the story, but you forget about getting back at his dear mother. Of course living well is great revenge...

I gave you a 4, but you could have received a 5 if you did an epilogue about his mother and her consequences...

What is the easiest plot in LW catagorie?

Take a normal guy, help him find the biggest slut in town

and marry her.

No need to spend time spinning a mistery.

We all know what will happen.

How many guys do you know that pick up sluts to marry?

Anyone?

Yeah, I know. A new writer.

Mustn't discourage him.

That's why I won't rate this story.

Why do LW guys have to be stupid?

While watching tv and didn’t finish the last one. Tired of terminally stupid guys in LW. This guy deserved his problems. I’d say he was paying stupid tax.

Just ran across this one and really enjoyed it a lot. Nice to see the cheating whore coalition go down hard. His own mother for shit sake.

He's got plenty of money. If he can't whup Keith straight up, he can get it done. Just make sure Carla gets to smell the money.

Now that's a real man. I agree he was stupid to marry her. But heck, loved the way it ended. I hate em stories with wimps.

Not a story at all, just a long, boring list of actions...

Why bother writing this drivel???

It was not entertaining. NONE of the characters were interesting or appealing, even the 'hero'.

The writing was stilted and overly heavy on meaningless dialogue and situational references. Why did the author write this???

and

Extremely entertaining.

The latter may be because of the former (at least in part).

So

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Paul in Oklahoma

Carla was one syphilitic whore

There was no confrontation with the mother. There was no confrontation with the Chlorine Four when they found out the truth about his inheritance. You left out half the potential fun of your story.

Good guy wins, yey. I liked it eventhough it was hard to follow at times (had to re-read alittle).

Ever read a story where you just know stupid shit happens? You know, the kind where the author telegraphs the entire story in the beginning and then ham fists his way through an entirely ridiculous and unbelievable narrative?

Really? You just read one. This was horrible. ABSOLUTELY horrible.

He knew what she was like and took her back.

Sounds like he is a wimp and cuckold

LOL, what an idiot of a MC. She pulled the wool over his eyes for 6 years and yet we are supposed to believe that he's the victor because he got to keep his money? Being cucked for the length of his entire relationship, having a mother who betrayed him, having no real relationship at all with his supposed loving wife... But hey he's rich so life is great?

Pretty unbelievably bad story. I quit after page 2 as it went from stupid to more stupid. Yep a brilliant, up and coming business guy falls for a DQ bimbo who’s tied at the hip to a Neanderthal.

Hmm. I'm not sure if any state considers inherited money as community property.

I hate stories with jumping time lines. There might be cases where it works, this isn't one of them. 2*

+1 to previous comment.

Hate that the culprit (mother) was not punished

Nice start and buildup. Disappointing finish.

Pretty disappointing.

Tooooo much build up and then fusssss, nothing.

Author must be in a hurry to take shit, that's why Ending seems rushed.

And when you can see You are drinking poison, then why the fuck are you drinking it.

See where this author has written 4 stories. I've read only this one Will not bother with the others. Such B.S. LP

5 stars. I enjoyed it.

Stupid

Nah, he had sex with someone that did ass to pussy ass to mouth. That's just diseased. There were no winners and no one worthy of any sympathy. They were all utter scum.

I really don't buy this anti woman shit. The idea that the mum hates her son so much but she takes custody of him and then we're meant to believe that they have a 'normal' relationship. Just not going to happen, you can't sustain an act for so long without it leeching out and polluting. If the MC is meant to be intelligent etc., he'd have picked up on his mom's lack of love/care. This would have translated into going far away to college and either staying there or like most graduates getting a job on the other side of the state or even country. That he stayed/went back to this one horse town is just crazy and all things considered very very unlikely,

There's really no world in which the sole choice of mate is one low paid mentally subnormal shop worker. I totally get that some ppl do marry such people but generally that's because they themselves are either financially protected or thick as fuck uninteresting characters. Definitely not the kind of person that you'd want to read about, let alone care about.

Yeah, I do get it that some moms hate their kids, and those kids somehow can't escape the gravitation pull of her black hole. But those kids aren't worth caring about anymore than you'd care about someone in a permanently vegetative state. You care about people because of their character and this MC just didn't have one.