In Our Bones

"What, you're bitter now?"

"You haven't really given me a choice. It's only been you calling the shots."

I gawked at him. "Are you fucking kidding me? I have to raise this baby all by myself, and I didn't ask you for a damn thing. How dare you?"

Booker sighed, turning away from me. "I guess it doesn't matter what I think or what I want. The ball's always in your court. Make a shot when you fucking feel like it, I guess."

"Don't use that tone with me."

"Which tone? The one where I'm fucking pissed that I have to treat my son like he's nobody to me? Is that the tone you're talking about?"

"Do you not give a fuck about Kansas and Cade?"

"Of course I do!" he said, incredulous. "But am I supposed to act like I don't want you? That I don't want Theo?"

"That's exactly what you're supposed to do. You are going to do that and I don't want to hear you fucking complain about it ever again, Booker. This is my life and my relationships we're talking about here. I am not losing my best friend and my godson. You don't just get to choose to fuck that up because you feel guilty about making a baby with some other woman."

"You're not some other woman," Booker said angrily.

"Bullshit," I snapped. "That's absolute fucking bullshit! You're married, you dick! And I'm just the slut you had on the side."

"June—"

"I want you to go now, Booker."

I'd had enough. What was his end game? Did he just want to tell the entire world that we'd done this awful fucking thing together? All of our friends, our family—fuck, everyone—would hate us. How could we put our entire lives at risk like that?

"June," he said, pulling me back into his arms. "Don't be like that. You're not just some..."

"You can say it. Slut."

"No. I won't and you're not."

"What am I then?" I asked, looking up at him with tears in my eyes.

"You're the love of my life."

I held back a sob. Why did he have to make this so fucking hard? And why did it hurt so fucking bad?

"Please, Booker—"

"Don't kick me out," he said, taking my face in his hands. "Not yet."

He kissed me and I slapped him before closing my fist around his shirt, yanking him back and kissing him. God, it was good. It was so fucking good, despite how fucking awful it really was. Booker's hands roamed down my body, fisting my shirt in his hands, lifting it over my head. He was reaching back to unsnap my bra when there was a knock on the front door.

"Hello?" a voice called. "Guys, it's me! Kansas!"

Booker didn't even have the decency to look frightened. He looked like he could've almost been relieved to have been caught by his wife. I put my shirt back on and flew to the front door, undoing the locks and pulling it open. Kansas was standing there with Cade on her hip. He waved, grinning Kansas's wide grin that he'd inherited.

"I made dinner," Kansas said, handing me an insulated bag. "Everything's ready to go except the rolls. Just need to warm them up a little. I made them hours ago."

I stepped aside, making room for Kansas so she could step inside. She didn't suspect a damn thing. She trusted us, and that's what made everything so much worse. I'd almost slept with her husband again. What the fuck was wrong with me? I was a disgusting excuse for a human being.

"Where's Booker?" Kansas asked, looking around.

"Right here," Booker said, exiting my bedroom. For one terrifying moment, I was worried about how that might look, but Kansas had a smile on her face.

"How's the little guy?" she asked him.

"Good. He's sleeping soundly."

We had a quiet dinner as Theo slept in the other room. Cade, who was now almost a year old, was babbling his usual baby nonsense, making us all laugh. Kansas fed him peas and pureed chicken that she'd blended at home. Booker kept staring at me, and I ended up kicking him under the table. He winced and looked away.

Did he really think he could have all of us? Me and Theo, and Cade and Kansas? It was good that I'd put him in a hard place, making it so he'd lose me if he tried to tell Kansas. He couldn't have his cake and eat it too. At least he'd still have Theo in his life. What more could he possibly ask for at this point?

What more did he deserve?

"I can't wait until Theo gets a little bigger," Kansas said. "I just want to see the boys playing together. They already look like they could be brothers!"

I almost choked on my food. Theo had Booker's dark wavy hair and lopsided smile, but otherwise, that baby was all me. He had my coloring, my eyes, my lips, my chin, my face. He looked like darker-haired Juno 2.0 in the male infant model.

But I suppose that if you looked closely, you could find a resemblance between Cade and Theo. They were, after all, half-brothers.

"Whoever the father is, he's missing out," Kansas said, chattering away. "Theo is such a sweet, sweet baby. He doesn't even cry. Cade cried so much at that age!"

I wasn't sure if I wanted to listen anymore. I wanted them to go home. I wanted to be alone. Booker, thankfully, seemed to sense this. He helped clean up after dinner and convinced Kansas that it was time to go and let me and Theo rest. She looked a little torn, but she eventually gave in, promising to drop by the next day with lunch. I hugged her goodbye, and she took Cade with her.

Booker hung back by the door, but as soon as Kansas drove off, I pushed him out and shut the door.

Enough was enough.

—

Six Years Later

—

Theo saved me.

Before I had my son, I'd been looking for meaning in all the wrong places. I thought that if I helped Barbara at the hospital, it'd be like I was helping myself, but as a tech, I really didn't have enough power to make a difference. I thought I'd be able to find myself at the bottom of a bottle, so I'd guzzle it down, searching for a way to make the hurt go away. And then there was Booker. I'd searched for so much in his eyes, his arms, his body. I'd let him take me, thinking he was filling my emptiness, but then he'd leave and I'd feel hollower than ever.

But then I found out about Theo, standing stunned in a hospital bathroom, holding a stick that showed those two lines distinctly, indicating that I was definitely pregnant. Almost instinctively, my hand had gone to my belly, and though I couldn't feel anything besides a little swell, what I felt was all in my heart: and it was love unimaginable. Inside of me was the physical proof that for a few months, Booker had been mine.

And then he'd been born, my little preemie, the fighter who'd fought every second to breathe, to be alive. If he could make it, then so the fuck could I. My baby gave me purpose; my baby gave me hope.

Slowly he became everything I could've ever hoped for: he began to talk, to run, to laugh loudly and say "Mommy" and became big, so big that I'd always wonder where the time had gone. He sprouted up, and being a preemie became something of the distant past; he was tall for his age, just like his father and half-brother. He loved them, his "Uncle Bookie" and his best friend, Cade.

If you wonder if it ever gets lonely being me, I might've once answered with a "yes," but with my son, I was never lonely. He'd done everything with me, even going to classes with me at the University of California, Long Beach when I'd started studying nursing. My professors had let me bring my baby to class, and some even held him while I'd taken my exams. Those people that had helped me along the way, the professors and T.A.s and counselors and patient college friends, I'd never forget because, without them, I would have never become a registered nurse.

I started working as a psychiatric nurse instead of a technician, and by the time my son started kindergarten, he finally had his own room in our new two-bedroom apartment. It still wasn't in the nicest part of Fullerton, but it was big enough for the two of us. I couldn't give my son everything that Cade had, and yes, sometimes that made me feel feelings I really shouldn't be feeling, but we were happy, and that was more than enough.

The first year of Theo's life was tough. He had a lot of surgeries to help him with his heart defect, and by age one, he'd undergone six. But after that year, the clouds finally began to clear. The doctors said he'd be fine.

For four beautiful years after that, I had a healthy baby boy. In the fifth, my happiness came crashing down.

—

"Is it the birth defect?" Kansas asked, her hand over her heart. Booker was sitting beside her, his face white as a sheet. He looked how I'd looked when I'd found out.

"It was the fucking common cold," I said, my eyes red from crying. "He got this rare side effect, myocarditis. It's fucking with his heart, which is already so weak. He needs... he needs a heart transplant."

Tears sprung to Kansas's eyes, and Booker just sat there, fear gripping him so tightly that he couldn't even speak. I understood. That was how I'd felt too.

"What can we do?" Kansas asked, wiping the corners of her eyes.

"You don't have a spare heart lying around, do you?"

"You know if we had one, we'd give it to you," Kansas said. "Cas, isn't one of your coworker's wife a cardiologist? Maybe we can call her and get some advice?"

It was absolutely quiet.

"Caspian?" Kansas shook Booker.

"Uh, yeah," he finally said, still shocked. "I'll make the call now. Excuse me."

He got up and fled the room, his eyes bloodshot.

"How could this happen?" Kansas whispered, wiping her eyes again. It was no use; tears were streaming down her face.

"I-I don't know," I said. "It's my fault. I failed him. It was my stupid body that couldn't keep him in my womb long enough to fully develop his organs."

"Jesus, Juno, no," Kansas said sharply. "This is not your fault!"

"Whose fault is it then?" I asked with a sob.

"Mommy?" Hovering by the Bookers' back door was Theo, his beautiful brown eyes wide. He never did like seeing me upset. I wiped my eyes quickly.

"Yes, honey," I said, putting on a brave face for my son. He ran over, throwing his arms around me.

"Don't cry, Mommy."

"Mommy's just got something stuck in her eye," Kansas said. "Auntie Kansas does too, see? Better go find Cade before it gets in your eye too."

Booker returned to the room, his phone in his hand. He gestured to me to come take the call, and I hugged my son to me, kissing the top of his head before letting him go.

Then I went and took the call.

—

Jamie came around a lot more than I expected of him. We'd always remained friends over the years, but somehow, once Theo got sick, really sick, he changed. It was like he'd finally grown up.

"Thought you could use a hand," he said, holding a carry-out box of food from a local restaurant. He'd brought sandwiches, soups and salads—all healthy foods so we could eat in solidarity with Theo.

"Uncle Jamie!" Theo yelled from the couch, dropping the gaming controller to run over and wrap his arms around Jamie's legs. I took the food boxes while Jamie picked up Theo, checking him for cooties.

"Are you contagious?" Jamie asked very seriously.

"Yes," Theo giggled.

Jamie made horrible noises, pretending that he was transforming into a hideous monster. He made Theo laugh and laugh and laugh.

I set the table as Jamie got Theo settled back on the couch. When I'd gone to the kitchen to fill up the water pitcher, I almost lost it. How many days like this did I have left? I was biting back a sob when I felt a hand come to rest on my shoulder.

"It's okay," Jamie said softly. "He'll be fine."

I turned around and fell into his arms. "How do you know?" I whispered.

"I just do," Jamie said. It didn't make me feel better, but I managed a smile for him.

We had lunch together on the couch, the three of us watching Madagascar and gobbling down sandwiches, slurping soups and crunching through salads. The movie made Theo laugh a lot, and it warmed my heart. Jamie pulled Theo onto his lap after we'd eaten, and at some point, Theo fell asleep in his arms. I lowered the volume of the movie and began to clean up while Jamie carried Theo to his room to tuck him into bed.

When Jamie returned, he took my face in his hands and kissed me.

"Jamie," I said, falling back. He caught me before I fell.

"What are you doing?" I asked, stunned.

"I've done a lot of growing up," Jamie said. "I think we should make another go of it."

What?

"Jamie, I don't think right now's a good time for me."

"The hell it's not," Jamie said, his tone sharp. "Let's just try, okay?"

"What's this about?" I asked suspiciously.

"I got a new job," he admitted. "I've got really good health insurance. I think we should—"

"Jamie, I am not going to marry you for your health insurance!" I hissed.

"Are you kidding me? You need to," Jamie growled. "You can't just let him d—"

"Don't you dare say it. You said it yourself. He'll be fine."

"He'll be fine because of my health insurance. C'mon, Juno, let's get married. Let's save his life. Your insurance isn't covering the experimental trials for all those fancy drugs you keep researching. Mine does."

"That's really kind of you, but no."

His face fell. "Why the fuck not?"

"I love that you care, but insurance fraud isn't the answer. A new heart is."

"So you're just going to sit around and wait?"

"Jamie, you don't understand. The doctors say he's beyond help now. Those experimental drugs I used to talk about? They won't do shit for him."

Jamie's eyes had gone wet. "There's really nothing we can do?"

I shook my head. "All we can do is wait and hope and pray."

Jamie took another step toward me, cornered me against the kitchen counter and kissed me again. This time, I didn't stop him. This time, I kissed him back. We made out hungrily, my arms wrapping around his neck and his hands coming to rest on my waist, lifting me up onto the counter. My legs went around his trim waist, and his hands were gripping my hips, kissing me feverishly.

I didn't protest when he took my shirt off me, didn't protest when he undid my bra, when he pulled down my pants with my panties, and didn't even complain when he unbuckled, unzipped and unbuttoned to enter me with his thick, hard cock. I let him fuck me hard on the counter, our bodies slapping together, both of us moaning and grunting with each thrust.

We needed this distraction.

"Fuck, I missed you," Jamie groaned against my neck. "You're still so tight."

I laughed. "Thanks, glad to hear it's not some wide bottomless pit now."

He chuckled. "Not what I meant, woman."

I kissed him, smiling on his lips. Leave it to Jamie to take the most terrible day and make into one defined by sex. There was nothing majestic or grand or beautiful about what we were doing; it was just sex, the meaningless kind that's supposed to make you feel better for the moment—except this wasn't that meaningless. This was the opposite; it was meaningful because Jamie was giving me all he had to give: himself. Physically, as if that was all it took to fill the emptiness.

He didn't know any better, and I wasn't going to complain.

"Fuck me," I told him, grinding my hips down on his cock.

"Christ, you're hot," he said, making me moan as he thrust deeper inside of me. His body rippled, muscles moving and flexing, as if the gears and cogs were turning, making the machine that was his body move like water, practiced and true. I spread my legs wider, steadying myself by splaying my hands out on the counter, leaning back and letting him watch as my tits jiggled.

This wasn't like fucking Booker. With him, it had been like poison was in my veins, eating through my bones, giving me immeasurable pain to meet the pleasure, drawing out every last breath from my lungs. With Booker it had been about desperate seconds to undress, stumbling, kisses in parks and against walls and doors, fucking him on his lap in his dark Camaro. Booker had been a bunch of stolen moments, his thick cum inside of me, impregnating me, filling my belly with his seed. I'd been on the pill, but somehow, Theo had been meant to be born.

Jamie fucked me on the kitchen counter, and I let him, fucking him back because if I didn't, it'd be like I was inviting all the terrible thoughts back into my head. I let him distract me, let him fill my head with soft pillows of pleasure. I was numb with the feelings; feeling it and not feeling it at all. We diverted our awful reality into the places of uncertainty, the places where dreams came alive.

Maybe Jamie wasn't Booker, but with where I was in my life right now, that was a good thing.

—

"Mommy."

I opened my eyes. It was dark, still the middle of the night. I turned to the right and found my son standing there, a plushie firetruck in his arms. It was his favorite thing.

"Bad dreams, baby?" I asked, already lifting the blanket beside me. Theo nodded and crawled in, settling into my arms. I stroked his hair back from his forehead, listening to the gentle sounds of his breathing.

"Am I gonna die?" he asked.

"Who told you that?" I asked sharply.

"Cade."

Goddamnit, that kid. He had such a big fucking mouth these days. Not even a decade old and already a gossiper of the worst kind.

"No, honey," I said, kissing Theo's forehead. "You're not dying. You just need a new heart, remember? We're waiting for one."

"Cade said someone has to die for me to get one."

Where the fuck did Cade even learn these things?

"You'll get your heart from an angel, sweetie," I said, holding him close. "And that angel will always be with you. You'll take care of their heart for them, won't you?"

"Yes," Theo said. "I will, Mommy."

"Good. Now, how about some sleep? Let's count some sheep."

"Okay, Mommy."

—

We went to a Build-A-Bear Workshop. Theo liked going to the nearby Lego store there too, collecting red Legos to make the ultimate fire truck. I let him have a couple pieces at a time, hoping it'd give him something to look forward to, something to fight for.

I bought him a churro and we walked hand in hand, looking around at all the people walking around with their Mickey ears on their heads. Theo was wearing his Toy Story baseball cap to shield his eyes from the sun. I was taking him for a fun afternoon through Downtown Disney, which wasn't exactly Disneyland since I didn't have the money, but I thought I could swing a bear and a snack.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Are we going to Disneyland?"

"Not today, baby."

"Oh," he said. "Well, I still like the churro, Mommy."

I smiled. I had a hell of a kid. "What about going to Build-A-Bear? Maybe we can create a new friend for you to play with?"

A half an hour later we left the store with a bear dressed as a firefighter. Theo held the bear with both arms, and I had a hand on his shoulder as we walked back to the parking lot. Along the way he got tired and I had to carry him, but overall, it was a nice afternoon.

I just hoped there would be many more like it.

—

The donor association people had been calling me all afternoon. I was at work, and I should have kept my cell on me, but I'd stupidly forgotten it in my locker. Finally, they'd called my work and another nurse had tracked me down.

"We've got a heart," the lady on the other end of the line told me. I nearly dropped the phone.

"Oh my god," I gasped.

"We'll send an ambulance for him. Where is your son now?"

"H-He's at his school," I said, hardly able to breathe. "Fullerton Elementary."

"Meet us at the Children's Hospital of Orange County."

I thanked her profusely, tears already in my eyes. I don't think I even clocked out that day. I just ran right out of the psych ward, out into the hospital, and down through the back doors to the parking garage. I drove to CHOC, sobbing the entire way there.