In Our Bones

My son was thirteen now, and he'd sprouted like a fucking weed. He was easily a full head taller than me already, and he was a pain in the ass, but I loved him so, so much. He was my world.

But worlds can still be lonely, and I was lonely as hell.

I drove home in my new red Ford Fusion, a splurge but I figured I deserved to spoil myself at least once in my life. The new car smell was strong and stimulating; I loved it.

My phone began to ring, so I picked it up on the car's Bluetooth. It was Jamie.

"Hey, sexy," he said, and I could easily hear the sly grin in his voice.

"What do you want, Jamie?" I asked, amused.

"Uh... sex, probably."

I laughed. "We haven't had sex in, um, let's see... over half a decade?"

"Time to change that," Jamie said.

"Not a chance in hell."

He laughed. "Come over. It's my birthday, remember?"

"Can't. I have to pick up Theo from football practice and I'm exhausted."

"Bring the kid. I love it when he beats Aspen at chess."

"Aspen's there?"

"Aspen and her hot-ass new girlfriend Genevieve. I'm still trying to convince them to let me... watch."

"You're so disgusting, Jamie. Leave them alone, you pervert."

"Not a chance in hell," he parroted.

"I'm hanging up."

"Come, okay? We'll wait to cut the cake."

"Alright," I said. "You better leave Aspen and her girlfriend alone though, or I'll have your forcibly admitted into a mental institution."

"Against my will?"

"That's usually how it works. You're not of sound mind, so I'll have to make that decision for you."

"Who died and gave you power of attorney?"

"I just got to the football field. Gotta go. Hanging up."

"Bye," he said, chuckling.

I saw my son in the distance, laughing with his friends. He'd once been a preemie, and then he'd undergone a heart transplant at the age of seven, but look at him now. He was quick as thunder, bright as lightning, easily maneuvering through a field lined with opposition. I was so beyond proud of him.

"Hey, Mom," he said when I'd rolled down the window to the passenger side. He stuck his head inside, leaning his arm against the window.

"Get in, we're going to Jamie's. It's his birthday."

"Seriously?" he asked excitedly. Jesus, this kid loved his sleazeball Uncle Jamie.

"Seriously," I said. "Hurry up. I need to go home and shower and get ready."

"No, Mom. Nobody cares. Let's just go!"

Theo loaded up his gear in the back seat and got into the front passenger seat, buckling up. He impatiently tapped his fingers on his kneecaps, giving his lopsided grin to a group of girls that passed by. They all blushed and I rolled my eyes, putting the car into drive.

As Theo had grown, his features seemed to change, and now he looked so much like Booker that it almost hurt to look at him sometimes. He was very much his father's son, with those beautiful, intelligent eyes and quiet, brooding nature. He was both extroverted and introverted. He had his moments, dividing his time between the two personalities. I found him positively fascinating.

When we got to Jamie's, Theo left me in the car, running right up to the door and flinging it open. I heard a roar of cheers as the party inside greeted him. When I rolled up the windows, locked up, and reached the porch steps, the roar greeted me too.

"Come in, come in," someone said, handing me a glass of wine. It was Hilary, one of Aspen's friends, and Jamie's by association. I took a sip as she led me inside, closing the door behind us. I trailed through the party, looking for Jamie.

I found him doing a keg stand. A keg stand. Holding him up was my own son.

"Get down!" I hissed, swatting at Jamie. "How dare you use my son for shit like this!"

Theo lowered Jamie, and he laughed right into my face, the strong smell of beer taking over my senses. Yuck.

"C'mon," Jamie said, taking my hand. "We were waiting for you to cut the cake."

Ten minutes later, candles were lit, lights were off, and a room full of crazy fucking friends were screaming the "happy birthday" song.

Despite a room full of thirty close friends, I still felt lonelier than ever. The people I really wanted to see, I hadn't seen in six years and would likely never see again.

Kansas.

Cade.

Booker.

After the day Theo had gotten his new heart, Kansas had left with Cade, never to return, and I'd pulled Booker aside. I'd told him that we'd reached the end of the line, that we'd gone as far as we were ever meant to go. I told him, like I had all those years ago at the college parking lot, to go back to Kansas and make things work.

I asked him to never contact me or Theo again.

I made him promise, made him swear.

And to ease my pain, he'd obliged. It's been six years, and I wasn't even sure where he was anymore. Wherever he was, I hoped he was well. He'd shattered my heart and taken all the biggest pieces with him, pieces that were irreplaceable, pieces that worked as the foundation for a healthy heart.

Now I was the one with the diseased heart.

I still loved him.

I still loved Cade.

I still loved Kansas.

"Why the long face, Twilight Sparkle?" Aspen asked, walking over, holding a glass of white wine. She observed me, looking a little concerned.

"I am not a My Little Pony character," I said, for the umpteenth time. I'd been saying it since childhood, and it's become something of an inside joke for us.

"Dunno. Shouldn't you be flying around and preaching about how friendship is magic?"

"Fuck off," I said with a laugh.

"Should've brushed your mane before coming over," Aspen said. "You look like a hot mess."

"Thanks," I said sarcastically. "What's new? Where's Gen?"

"Probably doing a keg stand, I dunno," Aspen said with a wave of her hand. She was smiling as she did it. I had a feeling she was in love. I was immensely happy for her, but deep down, I was also jealous. So fucking jealous that it made me feel like a piece of shit for feeling that way at all.

"What's up, Juno?" Aspen asked, putting a hand on my arm, suddenly serious. "You look... off."

"I'm always 'off,'" I said, taking another sip of my wine.

"Worse than usual. What's bothering you?"

"Nothing," I lied.

"You're a shitty liar, Juno."

"Well, fuck you."

Aspen laughed, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Is it... them?"

I sighed, taking a seat in a nearby plush armchair. Aspen perched her skinny little butt on the arm of the armchair. Her long pink hair blanketed down, and she tucked it back behind her ear. Her blue eyes were sparkling, and she was every bit as beautiful as she'd been when she'd been in her 20s, if not more. God, as if I didn't need more reasons to be jealous of my perfect sister.

"Maybe it's time you get on social media," Aspen suggested. "Track them down. Time heals old wounds. Those relationships might be repairable now."

I groaned. "Don't you think I've thought about that? I've thought about it a million times. I just... I can't do it, Aspen. I made a promise. I said I'd leave her alone."

"What about Booker? You never made that promise to him."

"No, but he made that promise to me."

"So look for him! Tell him you've changed your mind."

I sighed and downed the rest of my glass.

"It's best that I leave them alone," I said. "I'm not going to ruin Kansas's life again. She's probably happy right now. I won't take that away from her."

Aspen snorted. "As if you have that kind of power."

I punched her in the arm and she winced. "You bitch."

"That's my name. Don't wear it out," I said stupidly.

Aspen cackled. "You are so lame."

There was a pause, neither of us really saying anything. I looked at the party before us, people laughing and chatting away. I could see Jamie and Theo across the room, playing a heated game of chess. Jamie was frowning, and Theo was grinning. Three guesses who was winning.

"Seriously, though. Make a Facebook, Juno. Just to stay in touch with everybody. It doesn't have to be for... them. Just, you know, leave that door open. If they want to, they'll contact you, you know?" Aspen said.

I shrugged. "I guess."

"Great, give me your phone," Aspen said. I pulled it out of my pocket, passing it to her. She downloaded the Facebook app and helped me create a profile.

"Cheese, bitch," Aspen said, and I posed for a picture, sticking out my tongue. God, I was so juvenile sometimes.

After my profile was completed, Aspen passed me back my phone and I began looking up and adding people I knew. Coworkers, every friend from the party, some neighbors. I went through and added just about everyone that I had some sort of friendly relationship with. I was surprised by the number of people on the site.

"Jesus, it's like everybody and their grandma is on here," I said.

"Everybody and their grandma is on there," Aspen said. "Welcome to the future, babe."

I put the phone back into my pocket, fully aware of just exactly who I really wanted to look up. I wasn't going to do it in front of Aspen at a party with thirty other people. I needed privacy. I'd do it later at home.

After a few hours, Theo, tired, came and asked when we were going home. He'd already been worn out from practice.

"We can leave now," I said, pressing a kiss to his cheek to comfort him. "Come on, sweetie."

We said goodbye to everyone, wishing one last "happy birthday" to Jamie, who responded hugs and kisses. It was a great night, one I should have enjoyed.

I just... didn't.

—

It was the dead of night and I was wide awake.

I lay there in my bed, looking up at the ceiling, resisting the urge to reach for my phone. I shouldn't do this. I really should just leave them alone. I shouldn't even look at them to tempt myself. I couldn't. I shouldn't.

I wouldn't.

I put a pillow over my head and groaned, turning over in bed. My hair got caught in my headboard.

"Argh," I grumbled, freeing myself. Just then, I heard a little ding come from my phone. It was a sound I'd never heard my phone make before. I reached for it, checking the most recent notification. It was from Facebook. I pressed it, opening up to my friend requests. Someone had sent me a request.

That someone was Kansas Summers.

I nearly dropped my phone in shock. My hands immediately clammed up. She hadn't... I'd promised her that I wouldn't... She never wanted to speak to me again.

So why would she add me?

And what the hell was up with Summers?

I hit "Add" and waited. A minute later, I got another sound and another notification popped up on my phone. It was a Facebook message. I tapped it, opening it up.

Kansas Summers: Hi, Juno. How are you?

I swallowed down my nerves, and responded with: I'm good. How are you?

Kansas Summers: I could be better. Can I call you? I'm having some trouble typing.

I responded with: Sure.

I waited, and less than thirty seconds later, my Facebook app began to ring. She was calling me. She was actually calling me. I picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?" I said breathlessly.

"Juno, hi," said the voice on the other end of the line. It was just as I remembered it, low and sweet, impossibly warm and cheery. I was probably so excited to hear her voice that I didn't pick up on how weak she sounded.

"Kansas," I said, my voice already thick with emotion.

"Don't cry," she croaked. "You'll make me cry too."

"Do you have a cold or something?" I asked.

"Or something," she responded. "I've missed the sound of your voice."

"You have no idea how much I've missed yours," I said. The tears were beginning to flow. "I... Kansas, I'm sorry about everything. Everything. I was such a stupid, stupid fucking cunt. I hurt you and—"

"Shh, Juno," Kansas said, and coughed. "You're tiring me out. Calm down."

Something didn't feel right. "Kansas, what's wrong with you? Are you sick?"

"Yes," she answered. "I am, but that's not important right now. What I really need to know is how soon can I see you?"

"Where are you?" I asked.

"Right now?" she asked.

"Why not?"

She laughed weakly. "Juno, it's the middle of the night."

"I don't care. I want to see you," I said, wiping my tears. "Where are you?"

"I live in Pasadena."

"Pasadena?" I said with a laugh. "You live in one of those fancy neighborhoods we used to envy?"

"Not that fancy," she said modestly.

"Text me your address," I said. "I'll get dressed right now."

I was already up and out of bed.

"Okay, I'll see you soon, Juno," Kansas said. She hung up, and a moment later I got a notification that she'd sent me the address.

I put on a pair of jeans, threw on a shirt, and put on a cardigan, slipping my feet into some Toms and grabbed my keys from the kitchen counter. I texted Theo, letting him know that I was heading out and to call me if he needed anything. He'd see it once he woke up.

Pasadena was about forty miles away from Fullerton, and at this time of night, I estimated that it'd take me about thirty-five to forty minutes to get there. I got in my car, started up the engine and headed onto the freeway.

I lowered all of my windows during my drive, remembering those drunken nights when Booker would drive me home with the windows down to give me fresh air to breathe. God, I'd been so young and so, so stupid. There was so much I wished I could take back. Hell, I just about wished the whole affair had never happened, but I got Theo out of it... so I couldn't hate all of it.

The car's GPS system guided me to Kansas. About forty minutes later, I arrived at the address, but there had been some kind of mistake.

"Where the fuck am I?" I muttered, driving around. There were no houses here. I double-checked the address, and it was correct. I was just about to call Kansas when I saw the building that matched the address she'd sent me.

Faith and Hope Hospice and Palliative Care.

No. Kansas, no. Please, God, no.

I parked the car, hoping that there really had been some kind of mistake. My entire body was trembling. Hospice care. This had to be some kind of horrible nightmare and any second now I'd wake up.

I walked into the building and approached reception. A man there greeted me warmly.

"Hi, um, I'm looking for a Kansas Summers. I'm not sure if she's actually here, but if you could just check."

"She's expecting you," the man said. "Come on, I'll take you to go see her."

I followed him down some corridors, staying close. I could see people all around me, some up and about in the middle of the night. I guess when your life is nearly over, it's best to make the most of it. It was both incredibly sad and incredibly inspiring.

"Here you are," the man said, stopping outside of a door. "She's just through here. You know where to find me if you need anything."

"Thank you," I said, opening the door as the man left.

"Juno?" called a weak voice from inside.

I stepped inside, closing the door behind me. Lying there in a comfortable-looking bed was Kansas. She was rail-thin, her face gaunt, but she had the hugest smile on her face.

"Come here," she said, holding out her arms. I was already crying when I went and hugged her. I held her to me, so afraid that she'd disappear if I didn't hold on long enough.

"Juno," Kansas rasped. "It's okay, Juno. I'm okay."

"You're not," I said, taking a good look at her. "You're... Kansas, you're dying."

She gave me a sad smile. "I am."

"Where the fuck is Booker? Where's Cade? Why are you here all alone in a hospice care facility?"

"Relax, Juno. I'll explain everything," she said and patted a spot on the bed beside her. "Take a seat."

"Tell me everything."

"Well, first of all, I'm divorced," Kansas said. "I divorced Cas about five years ago. We didn't talk for a long, long time. He still saw Cade on his court-appointed days, but I never saw him... Until six months ago. When I found out that I have breast cancer."

"Breast cancer," I said, sounding a little relieved. "You can just get a mastectomy. Fuck boobs. They're overrated anyways."

Kansas looked amused. "Don't you think I've already done that? Besides, it didn't help. The cancer's spread. There's no... it's in the lymph nodes. It's terminal, Juno."

I flinched. Like, it physically surprised me to hear that she had such a fast-spreading cancer. She was dying. She was dying and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

"T-Tell me more," I said shakily, my eyes brimming with tears.

"Cade's at Cas's," she explained. "We think it's best to give him a normal life. I can't... I can't live on my own anymore. I can't take care of myself. And Cade's too young to do it."

"What about Booker?"

"I don't want to be taken care of by my ex-husband. I don't want to guilt him into fixing things between us," she said. "That ship has... sailed."

I sniffled, wiping snot away from my nose. "I'll take you," I said. "You can come live with me."

"No," she said immediately. "That'd be awful for Theo. I would never be able to do that to him. I'll stay here, Juno. It's best for everyone. Plus, I like it here."

I swallowed down the awful cry that was bubbling in my throat. I couldn't talk, couldn't breathe. Why was this happening? What had Kansas ever done to anybody? She did not deserve this. If anything, I did.

There was a knock on the door. I turned around as the door opened. Standing in the shadows, face older but still handsome, hair still wavy and tousled, was Booker, his golden eyes glowing in the darkness. He stepped into the room, closing the door behind him.

I got to my feet.

"Hi, June," he said, his gaze almost worshipful as his eyes raked over my face. His jaw was locked, looking serious as ever, a look of longing in his eyes.

"Booker," I said breathily, my heart catching in my throat.

"Jesus, just hug each other already," Kansas said, giggling.

Seconds might've passed, I'm not sure. I don't know who moved first, if it was me or Booker, but before I even knew what was happening, I was wrapped up in his warm embrace. He clutched me to him, burying his face in the crook of my neck.

"June," he said devotedly. "Christ, where have you been?"

I began to cry, and he stroked my hair. "I-I was staying away," I said, my lips trembling. "I was keeping my promise to Kansas—"

"How could you have taken me seriously?" Kansas asked, her eyes red. She looked like she was about to cry too. "How could you ever think that I'd actually want you out of my life? Jeez, I was mad, Juno! But... You're so stupid. Don't you ever know any better? You were supposed to come b-back. You... You were sup-supposed to f-fight for us. F-For our sis-sisterhood. I love you, you stu-stupid fucking idiot."

She was crying, I was crying, and Booker was crying.

We were a fucking mess.

Booker and I crawled into bed, Kansas in the middle between us. We cuddled up, the three of us, just like we had when we were kids, lying on the grass, looking up at shapes in the clouds or counting the stars in the night sky. My childhood came rushing back, all those years of being the chubby bullied kid, gawky and ugly, but it had never mattered to my friends; they'd always loved me, no matter how weird or hideous I was. Booker, knocking down assholes in the playground for picking on me, and Kansas, screaming expletives, all three of us being sent to the principal's office and then serving detention together. Flower crowns, four-leaf clovers, grass stains, skinned knees, laughs, so many laughs, and love, all that endless, boundless love.

For years, I'd been searching for purpose. I'd been looking for someone to love me, to complete me. But I hadn't needed to look very far at all. Kansas and Booker had always been there, just waiting for me to return.