All Comments on 'In the Arms of the Succubus'

Weird, sexy little story

Brilliant! Loved it!

For such a short story, I ended up making so many notes. There were parts of this which I found to be incredibly impressive.

There’s a depth to your writing which simply doesn’t get seen at this level too often. I thought the way you set the scene was majestic and it helped build a world for me to get lost in. You come across as a deeply intelligent writer and I appreciate the effort that’s went into this.

However, that’s not always a positive. Your work is needlessly verbose to the point of it becoming a nuisance. It’s clear to me that you haven’t given much thought to your target audience, a great deal of whom may find that verbosity to be impenetrable. What’s more important to you when writing erotic content? That people get blown away by your intelligence or that you arouse them to the point of climax? That’s completely up to you.

Otherwise, as amazing as your world-building skills are, your dialogue needs a lot of work. When the characters first speak, the priest’s greeting to Maranda is incongruous in its lack of realism and credibility. Immediately, I concluded that he’s an idiot. It gets better from there, but Maranda’s delivery is stiff throughout and it’s by-the-numbers succubus fare. There was scope for her to play with her food in a manner that’s arousing to the reader, but they’d barely touched before you told us of her multiple orgasms.

The biggest disconnect was your idea of what enthralled the priest. For a succubus, it’s not beauty that makes their prey succumb, it’s soul-consuming heat and passion. There was a point where it became clear that you realised that, when you wrote “…a gorgeous woman who exuded sensuality stood before him”.

But you’d spent the time beforehand telling us about her beauty, not her sensuality. As a result, and as someone who deeply enjoys succubus-themed content, I didn’t believe that Maranda was anywhere near sensual enough to carry the priest out into deep waters.

That said, you’ve got so much ability that it’s remarkable. If I were you, I’d take a half step to the side and get out of your own way. Seduce the reader and make that your priority.

63/100. ⭐⭐⭐