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The village and church are still there. Empty, ramshackle ghosts of the past are all that inhabit the place. The fog still covers it from time to time, even after more than a thousand years. Sometimes at night, if you happen to be in the area, when the fog covers the ghost town, you can hear him begging her to return.
And if you listen quietly, you may hear an answer on the breeze, a soft, sadistic laugh floating on the night air.
The End
- COMMENTS
Stacnash9 months agoFor such a short story, I ended up making so many notes. There were parts of this which I found to be incredibly impressive.
Thereās a depth to your writing which simply doesnāt get seen at this level too often. I thought the way you set the scene was majestic and it helped build a world for me to get lost in. You come across as a deeply intelligent writer and I appreciate the effort thatās went into this.
However, thatās not always a positive. Your work is needlessly verbose to the point of it becoming a nuisance. Itās clear to me that you havenāt given much thought to your target audience, a great deal of whom may find that verbosity to be impenetrable. Whatās more important to you when writing erotic content? That people get blown away by your intelligence or that you arouse them to the point of climax? Thatās completely up to you.
Otherwise, as amazing as your world-building skills are, your dialogue needs a lot of work. When the characters first speak, the priestās greeting to Maranda is incongruous in its lack of realism and credibility. Immediately, I concluded that heās an idiot. It gets better from there, but Marandaās delivery is stiff throughout and itās by-the-numbers succubus fare. There was scope for her to play with her food in a manner thatās arousing to the reader, but theyād barely touched before you told us of her multiple orgasms.
The biggest disconnect was your idea of what enthralled the priest. For a succubus, itās not beauty that makes their prey succumb, itās soul-consuming heat and passion. There was a point where it became clear that you realised that, when you wrote āā¦a gorgeous woman who exuded sensuality stood before himā.
But youād spent the time beforehand telling us about her beauty, not her sensuality. As a result, and as someone who deeply enjoys succubus-themed content, I didnāt believe that Maranda was anywhere near sensual enough to carry the priest out into deep waters.
That said, youāve got so much ability that itās remarkable. If I were you, Iād take a half step to the side and get out of your own way. Seduce the reader and make that your priority.
63/100. āāā
