All Comments on 'Including Me Ch. 01'

Initially, the build up was nice, but for all 4 pages you kept referring how it will go, then many child hood memories then back to how you envision what would happen. For your next chapter, keep that to minimum.

Place a ring on her finger and begin baby making!

The build-up was perfect and continual. Congratulations on your first submission, pun intended. Waiting for the next submission.

Excellent read… please continue the story

Too much sizzle and not enough steak.

You've handled the tease well. Now lets see how well you handle the sex.

My 2 cents

A good story, but I don't like a narrative story. I want the interaction and passion between the characters. 3/5 stars. I hope you try other styles of writing. Thanks for your time and your imagination.

Agree with Sonnyw55, too much build up. Way too much. Interesting story so far though.

3.9 pages of useless exposition, for a really boring and heatless last line.

I liked the buildup and being immersed in her/your emotions; exploring how you got to that point was well done. Not sure on the ending, it felt just a little abrupt.

Keep going but less back and forth.

Overwritten. Remember what my journalism teacher kept saying... "Less is more".

Too flowery...but the writer undoubtedly has talent.

Too me, she was grooming her son.

You could certainly make the case that instead of romantic, she is seriously mentally ill.

One of the best stories on this site. And the saga gets even better.

If you want to put someone to sleep with boredom, this is it.

I have had technical manuals on electrical Engineering which Actually had a point.