Infidelity: What do I do?

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So, we've all heard that old phrase "What's good for the goose is good for the gander," at least most of us have. I know I have; my mother taught it to me. But what does it mean for me; right now? What it means is that what is good for my darling wife, is also good for me. Let me back up a few beats and tell you what's going on and why I'm using this overworked phrase.

**********

You see, a couple of months ago I discovered, quite by accident, that Britt has been having sex with a boyfriend. Yup, a boyfriend. A married woman has been getting it from some guy other than her husband. Sneaky little thing she is. Initially I was stunned and wanted to go nuclear on her but when I talked to my new lawyer, she advised against that. For a few reasons.

You see, this is very liberal New York State. The family law here is not really concerned about who is having sex with whom and doesn't much care if either the wife or husband is out 'getting it' from someone else, as long as the children that are a product of that marriage are taken care of. I suppose I can see that. We have two kids, Olivia is eight and Andy is six. My darling wife and I have been married ten years; we got married when we were 24. So, you can do the math (if you stayed in school) and see that we're 34.

For me the real problem is that even though Britt is fucking around with some other guy, she's still very much the attentive wife and mother here at home. We still have sex three or four times a week. She's still the consummate planner for the kids and family activities. I don't know when she finds time to make out with her boyfriend; it must be while she's at work. I've even considered hiring a private investigator to find out just how and when she's doing it. I've even thought that it must be a big mistake and she's not really fucking some other guy. Oh, but she is.

Britt tells me every day that she loves me and shows me that she does. She's affectionate and demonstrative with her affection and likes to have sex with me. But how do I square that with her getting it from some other guy? I'm torn between divorcing her and ignoring her infidelity. What do I do?

**********

I did hire the investigator. He did the whole follow-her thing and even went so far as to put a voice recorder in her car (I gave him the spare key). At the end of it he said it was pretty straight-forward. She and the guy were taking off from work at about 11:30 and heading to his apartment that was only a couple of blocks from their office (she works with him) and then when they were done they hiked back to work, getting there about 1:30 or so. Nobody ever checked to see where they were so it was easy to simply do it and stay a bit late if they had to get work done. I know some days she would call me and let me know that she had to stay a bit late and so I would be the one to start dinner and get the kids at their homework. Kids in those grades don't have much homework.

The investigator caught a couple of conversations she had with Allan when she was in the car, but it was all one-sided so it really was a fill-in-the-blanks kind of exercise. Knowing that she was fucking Allan, it was really easy to put the conversations in context. Great. So, she was boffing Allan a couple times a week.

Allan is 26 and came to work for the company about a year ago. Seems that they hit it off and soon were fucking. So, she's been at it with him for about ten months or so. The investigator got some pics of them going into his apartment building and holding hands. There were a few kisses as they met-up and parted ways. I didn't get anything graphic like all your dirty minds are conjuring-up out there. I didn't really need it. Besides, that would have put the bill with investigator well out of what I could afford. I have a mortgage and a car payment and kids to feed.

My lawyer looked over the report from the investigator and looked at the pics and then sat back and looked at me. "So, what do you want to do? Divorce?"

We went back and forth in the discussion of the practical aspects of divorce New York style. It was going to be costly and messy and I wouldn't get to see my kids nearly as much as I do now. I'd be paying for the house, a part of the utilities, child support and maybe a maintenance payment to Britt. She made about 80% of what I made so in the evening up of incomes I'd be forking over another 10% to her. Nice.

I could expect to live in a cheap apartment for a few years and see my kids one night a week for a couple of hours and a couple of weeks in the summer when school was out. At the same time, Britt could continue to fuck her boyfriend, even invite the fucker into my house and my kids would see him much more than they see me. That made me very mad, even to think about it. No, that was not going to happen.

My learned legal counsel then offered up the alternative. "Huh?"

She sat forward in her chair, got a really serous expression on her face, put her arms on her expensive desk and looked me straight in the eyes, "The alternative: do nothing."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm very serious. Do nothing. Do nothing to let her know that you know. Pretend you never found out. You told me that your sex life is very active and she's a good wife and mother. So, continue to let her do all those things. Do not rock the boat."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Let her keep doing what she's doing? Really?"

"Let me ask you: do you enjoy having sex?"

"Of course, that's a silly question."

"Do you like your house and want to keep living there?"

"Well, yeah. It's not a huge mansion, but it's nice and we like it a lot."

"Do you like your children?"

"Well, of course I like my children. We planned those children. I'm their father. I helped make them. I was there when they were born; hell, I cut the cord for both of them"

"Do you think you might enjoy living in a tiny apartment in a seedy part of Albany?"

"NO! That's ridiculous. Who would enjoy that?"

She sat back in her chair a bit, "So, if you drop the paperwork on your wife, that's what's gonna happen. I can guarantee it. Because I've seen it happen MANY (she put big emphasis on that word) times!"

I couldn't believe this, "Jesus! Are you making this shit up?"

She laughed, "I wish I were. Let me give you the names of two of my clients and I want you to talk to them and then come back and see me."

She wrote two names and phone numbers on a card and passed it to me. "Talk to them and then come back and we'll talk."

I was in a daze as I picked up the card and left her office. I went back to my office and put the card on my desk and stared at it. And stared at it some more. Should I call them? I mean, what could they tell me about...well, what my lawyer had talked about. What might happen if I were to divorce Britt.

**********

I summoned the courage and called the first name on the card. Mr. Roy Francis. He answered on the third ring.

I kind of stammered a bit. "Mr. Francis, my name is Michael Walters. My lawyer, er, your old lawyer, Margaret Staples, gave me your name and phone number and told me that I should call you to discuss your divorce."

"Huh, what? Oh fuck." There was a pause of several seconds. "What did she tell you about me?"

"Nothing really, but she did say that I should talk to you about your divorce. You see, I'm considering divorcing my wife. It seems she's having an affair with another man for some time, now. Margaret recommended that I get your perspective on things before I did anything."

"She did, did she."

"Uh, yes, she did. Listen, could we meet?"

I could hear Mr. Francis exhale and then he said, "Okay, when and where?"

"Do you like a beer or a drink? I would be happy to buy you a drink for your trouble and time."

"Okay..."

We agreed to meet up later that week and at a pub that I know that makes its own beer and it's very good.

*********

I went in and looked for Mr. Francis. He'd described himself so that I could find him. He wasn't there yet so I got us a spot to talk that was out of the way, and ordered myself an IPA to start with. A few minutes later I saw what I though was him and waved him over to the table. We did the introductions and hand shakes and he ordered a beer and then we got down to business.

I started. "First I want to say thank you for agreeing to meet and talk. I can imagine this must be...difficult to talk about. Is it?"

He took a big swig of his beer, "Difficult to talk about? Yes and no." He took another drink as if he hadn't had anything to drink in days. "What do you want to know from me?"

We started into it. I basically recapped all that my/our lawyer had told me (cautioned me, really) about divorcing Britt. Divorce in New York State was going to gut me of everything that was important to me. All the while that I was talking, Mr. Francis was looking at the beer glass and nodding his head ever so slightly. When I finished he looked up at me, took another big gulp of beer to finish off the pint, motioned at the server for another.

We waited until he had a fresh beer in front of him and then he looked me square in the eyes. "I wish I'd taken her advice."

"What do you mean Mr. Francis?"

"Please call me Roy, we're about to get into some very personal details here and I'd feel more comfortable if we were on a first-name basis."

"Yes, of course."

"So, do you prefer Michael or Mike?"

"My friends call me Mike."

"Okay, I'll go with Mike. So, to start, I wish I'd taken the advice of my lawyer. But I didn't. I was really pissed at my wife for what she was doing. She was fucking a friend of ours, behind my back and had been doing it for a couple of years. Thing was, I didn't know and my wife didn't ever let on that she was doing it. Our circumstances are very similar so, I figure that's why Margaret wanted you to talk to me. I wish I'd have listened to her."

"How did you find out that your wife was screwing around on you."

"It was quite by accident. I was taking the kids to go Christmas shopping for a gift for their mother. She was in a car that I recognized belonging to my friend, John. I was stopped at a light in the left-turn lane and looked to my right and in the far lane saw her in John's car stroking the back of his head. He turned his head toward her and they kissed. The light changed and they went on. That was it. I was still in shock when she got home later and it was as if nothing had happened. I mean, she was her normal self with me and the kids. We have three kids."

"What did you do?"

"I wanted to throttle her so badly but I knew that it would not end well; I'd be in jail, probably for Christmas and beyond and that wouldn't be good. So, for the time being I did nothing. My anger was increasing so I hired an investigator to find out what was going on."

I was nodding my head since he had just described what I was in the process of doing. "What happened next?"

"The investigator told me to not change anything or act any different with my wife until he had a report. He cautioned me that if I did act differently that it might alert my wife that the jig was up and she'd stop her affair with John. So, I sucked it up and did my very best not to do or say anything. And for a while it worked."

He had my interest. "What happened next?"

"Well, three weeks later, in early January, the investigator called me, and I went to see him and get the report he had put together. He had pictures and even a short video of them kissing in a parking lot when he was dropping her off at the Mall to get her car. I knew right then that it was over for me. So, I went to see Margaret. I couldn't believe what she told me."

"Let me guess, she asked if you and your wife were still having sex and was she acting any differently with you and your kids?"

"Yup. Before all this took place my wife and I had a very active life in the bedroom. She told me that she loved me and she acted that way. I never thought that she didn't love me. Hell, until I saw her kissing my ex-friend John at that stop light, I had no idea that she was doing anything."

Roy took a drink before continuing.

"So, armed with the report I went to see Margaret Staples and told her that I wanted to divorce Kathy. She laid out for me what I could expect and what it might all cost me. I wish now that I listened more carefully to what she said. In hindsight, my outrage clouded my ability to see her logic. I mean, if I could turn back the hands of time, I would."

We took a drink. I was still working on my first beer; I wanted to keep a clear head and try to keep emotion out of this very difficult discussion. That was a hard thing to do.

"What would you do differently?"

"Well, for starters, I'd take her advice to not change anything, at least not right away. She asked me if my life and the life of my kids would be better with or without her. Kind of like that song (the one by U2, With or Without You), it plays in my head every day. I wish it would go away."

I was starting to understand why Margaret wanted me to talk to this man, who clearly was hurting. "So, how did it turn out for you and your family?"

"I went ahead with the divorce. My ex-wife and my kids live in the house. I'm paying for most of it, along with about $1200 a month in child support and another $1000 a month as 'spousal maintenance'. It pays the utility bills and the property taxes. I have them all on my health insurance; and that ain't cheap and I get to pay for a crappy apartment. My bed is a mattress on the floor."

My jaw dropped at that. "Your wife has a job, what does she pay for?"

"She gets to pay for a part of the expenses of the kids, food and some other things, but at the end of the day, she pays for the babysitters so that she can go out on dates with her new boyfriend."

"What happened to John?"

"He got scared-off when Kathy started to look at him as the replacement for me. Seems that the idea of three kids and being tied down wasn't in his plans. He dropped her like a hot rock."

We both took a drink then he summed it all up. "Listen to what Margaret said. If you like your life and you can look the other way with your wife getting it from some other guy once in a while, then take her advice, and mine - do nothing. Say nothing and go home and fuck your wife, as much as you can."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I wish I'd done what she said. I might still be living in my house instead of the shithole I'm in now, and see my kids more than once a week. I wouldn't be totally miserable and I might still be enjoying a sex life with my wife. Now, I have fuck all."

"I'm not sure I can look the other way for very long, though."

"I know what you mean. Margaret told me to hang in there and that if Kathy was really unhappy it would be her that would leave. She'd be the one to make the first move and I would get custody of the kids and be in the house."

I nodded my head at that and thought that that was a much better plan than giving in to my anger and be the one that started the divorce action. I just had to think of way to manage my own emotions and my expectations. That was a task for later. We got up and went outside to the parking lot.

"Thanks Roy, I really appreciate you sharing your story with me."

"Good luck Mike, and remember, think about it before you do anything. If you want to see the consequences of a lot of stupidity, come over and see my apartment." With that we shook hands and Roy gave me a small smile, turned and headed out.

Roy seemed like a nice guy; sadly, he gave off the vibe of being a beaten man. He was reasonably well dressed, even though you could tell his clothing was old. His message was plain and straight forward. I know that he deeply regretted divorcing his wife. His new life was not worth the price that he paid. He drove off in what I considered a 'beater' car, a 15 year-old Hyundai Elantra. It clearly had seen better days.

**********

After my talk with Roy Francis I went home and I must admit that when I looked at my kids, the house and even Britt, I was trying to imagine if I could live without my family and my home. Lots of things can change our lives: accidents, disease, disasters, bad decisions; you name it. One minute we're good and the next it all changes. Hmmm...

**********

Two days later I was meeting a Mr. Mark Oakley. I asked to meet him at the same pub where I met Roy Francis. Mr. Oakley is a small business owner, a contractor who works on smaller projects, but is in fairly high demand by people needing repairs and fix-ups around their homes. I had checked him out a bit on the internet before meeting him. Decks and fences were his main area of business.

When I went in the pub, he was already there and had a bottle of Corrs in front of him. I introduced myself and waved down the server and ordered an IPA.

He was quick to tell me that Margaret's secretary had called him and said that she had given me his name and phone number and would appreciate it if he would take a bit of time to talk to me.

Our talk was remarkably similar to the talk that I'd had with Roy. The situations were pretty much the same. He has two children and has been divorced just over two years. When he learned that his wife was cheating on him, he threw her out of the house. Now, that didn't pan-out for him quite as he expected. Seems that her lawyer was quick to get a family-law judge to order him out of the house and restrict his access to the kids citing the possibility that things could turn physical if he were allowed to remain in the home.

Mark looked very disgusted at that as he talked. He was clear that he never once threatened his wife and that his anger led him to push her out the door and throw her coat and handbag after her. It all went downhill from there.

The divorce was costly and his time with his kids almost non-existent. He puts in 60 hours a week to pay for the kids, the house and spousal maintenance and to keep a roof over his own head. He bought a tiny fixer-upper and it provides a space for him to park his truck and work trailer. He told me that he's currently working on the kitchen and gutted the old one. He gets to see his kids about every other week and it's rare for them to stay over at his house. He figures it's only when his ex-wife wants to stay out overnight with her boyfriend.

He was quick to tell me not to do anything unless I absolutely had to. The best advice he had was for me to wait it out and if anyone was leaving the house because of her fucking another guy, let it be her that leaves, not me. Mark was very clear on that point. That bit of advice stuck. I had to quietly admit to myself that that piece of advice was probably spot-on.

I thanked him for his time, paid for the beers and left to go home.

**********

Over the next two weeks I thought long and hard about my family and my life. I went back and forth thinking about what I could tolerate and what I couldn't tolerate. I even made notes on a pad that I kept in my office. And then I made a plan.

**********

Two weeks later

"Honey, I'm home!"

Britt shouted back to me, "In here." I could tell she was in the kitchen.

When I went in to the kitchen I could see that she was at the counter with her hands in a large mixing bowl. "I'm mixing up some ground beef to make hamburgers for supper. You can barbecue them."

"No problem." Britt was still in her work clothes; a skirt and sleeveless blouse and she had on her normal three-inch high-heel shoes. Her legs looked gorgeous. She had an apron tied around her waist; one that is bib-style to keep food off your shirt.

I walked up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist and leaned in to kiss her neck and cheek. She turned her head and I kissed her on the lips. I pushed in to her bum just a bit and my arms started to come up to her breasts.