All Comments on 'Innocence Lost Ch. 01'

I have read many stories of this nature... most make it far to direct and short "I found my sister hot, She found me hot, we fucked, the end". Yours was very well thought out and had a most excellent flow to it. And by the way great job with to intro. The only advice I can give you is work on the grammer and text.

I read no more than 200 words and gave up. You make one gramatical or spelling error after another and frankly it kills what ever interest anyone might have in the text. I am sure you have a delightfully dirty mind but a writer you are not. don't quit your day job.

I assume that English is not your first language. You should consider using one of the volunteer editors to help, it would make the story much more enjoyable not to have to deal with bad grammar, bad spelling and totally wrong words.

YUCK!

The grammar and sentence structure errors were so bad I couldn't read beyond the first paragraph!

Editors are here for a reason, use them.

u kno wht the story was great everything from the intro to the end. u do have to work a little on grammar but if these idiots can't understand wht you are trying to say then they shouldn't be trying to read these stories at all.

You have a lot of good ideas, and some hot scenarios in your story. But I think there's a lot of things that hurt the story and distract attention away from what you're trying to accomplish with it. The grammatical errors that some have pointed out are definately noticeable and at times, somewhat confusing. It's important for a story to flow, and I felt like when I was reading yours that it was very choppy.

When you're describing characters... you use bland details that don't really enhance the story. Sometimes details can make the picture you're painting much more vivid for the reader... but in your case, a lot of the details were not necessary, and broke up the flow.

Another tip I have is just to use a variety of descriptive words when writing. When you use "lovely" 4 times in a paragraph... you're overdoing it. You should never use the same descriptive adjective in back-to-back sentences EVER, unless you absolutely have to.

For example, "I looked into her lovely eyes as I sucked her nipples, and she moaned in delight. Her lovely breasts swelled in my mouth as I bit harder, sending electric jolts down to her sopping wet pussy"

When you use the same word, back-to-back like that, it's boring. Try to use a thesaurus as you go along, and find other descriptive words that enhance your story telling.

I'm not saying this stuff to bash you... it's just constructive criticism from writer to another. You have some sexy ideas, and the premise for your story is a good one. It just needs to be fleshed out a lil bit.

Just to echo some of the comments here... I read all five parts and, yes there is a good solid core of a sexual storyline that makes me want to read more.

Attempting a five-parter with two story lines designed to intertwine at the end is an ambitious effort for your first story here.

However, limitations/errors in grammar, occasionally confusing characters names, some physiological mistakes (hey, I'm not a woman, but if a guy tears my vagina, I'm not enjoying sex, no matter how good he is) and so forth sort of detract from the story.

As far as the comments about how dumb the characters act: hey this is a sex story after all...and he's trying to hit some of the most popular subjects here: slut wives, incest, interracial sex, mature and to an extent group sex.

He has to get the plot moving, so there is some suspension of reality to get it going, and having Drake or Josh coming in to kill all the sex sort of puts an end to the story, doesn't it? Yes, Rick is reprehensible as is Harry...and it is unlikely that a young, nubile teen would get turned on to fucking a 50+ year old peeping tom who is blackmailing her (especially when she has her brother at home, Jay the pizza guy, her dad or anyone else who may be turned on by her) and Joan's involvment with Rick makes very little sense, other than providing a way to get to some group sex.

But keep writing...you have some good ideas that with experience will flow a lot better than your first attempt here. You obviously kept me hooked enough to read all five parts.

English not withstanding, the passion came through and it seemed very sexy to me because sister loves her brother so much. She is willing to give in to her real desires, and also learn about lovemaking from someone who loves her very much. Very good!

Innocence Lost should have been a great series. Unfortunately, it is not. The grammar is so bad that at times it becomes difficult to read the story at all. Incest stories are also a dime a dozen on the site, and as a genre it is greatly overdone. Innocence Lost could still be a great series, but not without substantial revision; an entire change in genre used would also make for a much better story. The author's much later work, based on the Big Bang series, is far superior to this one, and certainly worth reading.