All Comments on 'Innocent Devil’s Harem Ch. 11'

Completely honest... I'm loving this story, but I think this is the weakest chapter so far. It doesn't move the plot forward at all, it doesn't really develop the characters, and it feels like the only purpose is setting up that his sister is going to be hurt.

@abiostudent3 You mentioned being worried about how the sister will feel...but that right there is plot.

This chapter does develop the plot, it does develop the characters, and it does set the story up for advancement. Their possibly "naïve," spur of the moment decision is obviously going to have an impact on the other characters in the story, and that is exactly what plot is.

As far as purpose goes, Kai realizes that it would be unrealistic for him to end up with anyone else, combined with the fact that Gabriella seems perfect for him, so he's thinking "why wait?"

(Also, keep in mind that we don't have a harem yet in a story called Innocent Devil's Harem.)

Now, is it the weakest chapters so far? Maybe. I'm sure everyone will have varying opinions on that, although I'm not really perceiving this story in terms of chapters anyway. I'm looking at it as the whole story, and the kind of events that need to take place for certain things to happen.

So I appreciate the feedback, and I'm assuming that you have an issue with the direction this has taken, since you're concerned about how the sister will feel (which is good), but saying it doesn't accomplish anything seems a little too harsh to me.

Either way, everyone has their own perspective and opinions, but I hope you'll stick with the story to see where this goes. Also keep in mind that (very minor spoiler) it would probably require something really jarring for the responsible sister to realize she might love her brother more than just as a sister. Without that jarring event, there is no realization, and thus no development in that department.

Like the story buy you seem to be hung up on the characters constent screwing each other thought it was about having a harem

@Rdk781 Right, and we are heading in that direction, which is the point I was making at the end of my last comment (another reader was concerned that this was only going to hurt the sister's feelings, and I was trying to point out that the "responsible older sister" is never going to realize she has feelings for her brother unless something really jarring happens).

Also, I try to keep my characters realistic, which means that the females in the story aren't going to just automatically be interested in being a part of a harem. There would have to be some compelling reasons for them to want to share the same guy, and while there might be some level of unrealistic feelings going on when it comes to that, I still try to keep it as realistic as possible.

Also, this is Literotica, and I am sincerely confused as to why some people seem to so shocked that this story has a lot of sex in it. Honestly, I figured that people would think it didn't have enough sex, especially since I'm up to chapter 16 on my patreon and there's been no more sex scenes (and I still have more plot to cover before the next sex scene does come up).

Maybe the issue is that when the chapter is mostly sex, people feel like no plot happened? I'm really not sure on this one, so any clarification would be appreciated.

Granted, it's good to know that people want more 'story.'

The slow build to the harem does not seem strange to me, but then I prefer longer stories.

What does feel off is that it appears to be a small city, but appears to have A LOT of serial killers.

But maybe what causes that will be a part of the story which will be revealed later?

I just stumbled across this story a couple days ago and now I’m all caught up; loving it so far! You have a good balance between character development, plot, and the naughty bits. I also appreciate the effort you put into editing. Very imaginative fantasy element and I look forward to your fleshing out the supernatural “rules” and scope of the universe you’re creating as the main character struggles to learn about his devil nature without the benefit of guidance from a more knowledgeable source (so far), while he tries to keep his true nature a secret.

I also look forward to the main character getting his harem and seeing who becomes a member. Gabriella and Serenity seem certain to join, but what about the girl at school that has lunch with him every day? Perhaps we can get more of a glimpse into the school life of the main character. Also, is Gabriella’s enchanting scent due to her succubus background? If so, will our main character have difficulty resisting Gabriella’s mother when/if he gets introduced to his (future) mother-in-law? Is the part succubus nature of Gabriella why our main character was so wiped out after round 2 of sex? Does he recover by eating meat, such that the chicken in the enchiladas was tasting especially good to him? What benefits do succubi gain in your universe? Perhaps Gabriella being so irresistible to men, such that the dumb jock at the mall grabbing her, has to do with her succubus abilities that she doesn’t know how to control yet.

Also, I like how you are making me care about the female characters and making the ladies act somewhat realistically regarding how they wouldn’t necessarily be eager to share a man, at least with respect to Gabriella so far. Her initial reluctance to share will be all the more satisfying later if/when Gabriella consents (even helps recruit?) to being in a polyamorous relationship with the main character as the center.

My only minor critique is that we are up to Chapter 11 and only 24 hours (or so) of “story time” has elapsed; for storytelling and plot advancement reasons you will likely need to move things along more quickly, but I am enjoying the ride so far.

Finally, and this has to do with my aligning to my personal tastes, but I like that the main character won’t agree to any sort of “sharing” of his girls and likely against any MMF sex combination. The main character seems so against the idea of “sharing” that perhaps he might only recruit virgins into his harem? I also like that you address birth control as pregnancy risk is a realistic part of sex and can be hot too, imo. Lastly I know that incest is popular on this site but it’s not really my cup of tea so I’m glad you established that Serenity isn’t related by blood.

Keep up the great work and thank you for writing!

...and I'll keep reading! :) I'm enjoying your plot progression. 5 stars!

@Anonymous Regarding there being a lot of serial killers in a small city -- yes, exactly! Seems kind of suspicious, doesn't it?

(that's all I will say, since I don't want to give away spoilers, but you are definitely right to think it's odd)

And yeah, I intend on this being a pretty long story, so I'm taking it slow (and keeping it as realistic as possible) building up to everything. Glad you're enjoying the story so far!

@Caedyn I'm really glad to hear you're enjoying the story so far, and I'm especially glad that you are picking up on all the hints I've dropped (as well as seeing the 'potential' for what I have established).

You are correct that a lot has happened in only 24 hours, and I can assure you that as of Chapter 16 (on my Patreon) time is beginning to be more spread out (but I'm intentionally making it a slow process, so that people don't feel like it's jarring if several days pass between chapters). By the time we get to Chapter 18-20, time should stop feeling so compressed (where so much is happening in so little).

I don't want to point out specific comments you made, in order to avoid spoilers, but honestly I don't think you touched on anything that I didn't have plans for.

If you've ever heard of the literary principle called Chekhov's gun, it's the idea that all little details should matter (that a writer shouldn't mention there is a gun on the wall unless it's relevant and foreshadowing). Similarly, I've tried to drop relevant hints that will come to fruition later as being important to the story, and you pointed a lot of those hints out.

Finally, I just want to confirm that there will be no MMF stuff in this story.

I love the story your writing.

You mentioned you were curious about fans reactions to the plot vs sex of the story, I'm more intrigued by the story at this point and am anxious to read more of it. The focus on food and domination during all the sex scenes are turn offs for me. This isn't meant to be a criticism because you clearly have a vision for your story. Just my 2 cents.

Hi....like it but it is beginning to drag.....2 pages at a time is not really enough. you need to let loose 4 or 5 pages at a time. I am starting to lose interest. Plus...where is the harem aspect? This is looking like a romance. And there is no real true story yet. If you would give us little more.....it would help.

@Anonymous First, on my Patreon, we are already at the point where Kai has started his harem (it's 5 chapters ahead of here, so we don't have long to go).

Second, I think you are underestimating how much work goes into writing even this much. This particular chapter is 5,000 words (for reference, most chapters in a book are 3,000 to 4,000 words), which is at least 10 hours of work.

Yes, 10 hours. Minimum.

Most writers can only average 500 words per hour (some much slower, and very few can go much faster consistently). That also does not include time spent "plotting," nor does it consider time spent doing my own "self-edits," which can be an extra three or four hours, depending. My self-edits alone often takes an extra hour per 5,000 words, sometimes longer.

So you want me to write 4 or 5 pages at a time? About 3,600 words fit on a page (on Lit), so that would be a minimum of 14,400 words or 30+ hours (29 just for writing, an extra 3 for editing, minimum, never mind time spent plotting and fleshing out a scene).

I mean, do you have 32 extra hours in a week to do extra work? Because writing is work, and I'm practically doing it for free.

Now, I could technically release less frequently, but then those who "want less content, more often" miss out. Alternatively, you can always wait a few weeks until there are 3 or 4 chapters out and binge them all at once. (And definitely feel free to do that, if it works better for you.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're enjoy the story, and I can understand it's frustrating to have the story broken up into 5,000 to 10,000 word sections. I can also understand that those sections might seem boring at certain points, just because you can't automatically move on the next scene. However, you're getting to read this story for free and I'm putting in 12 to 20+ hours of work into this story every week -- that's a lot!

(If you do want to support me, then feel free to join my Patreon. You'll get access to an extra 5 chapters, where we are already at the point where Kai has finally developed the beginning of his harem, and even a third potential harem candidate has finally been introduced).

Still a great story and I love the way it's going. Yes, it does take a lot of time to write 5k words and I have absolute admiration for those who can and do write. 5 stars.

An excellent addition to this story. Very yummy too. Thank you!

Although I like the story, it seems as if it's the same old thing happening in different places. Aaah, what do I know? You're the author, and I'm just the perv enjoying your work.

Thanks for sharing.

I still think something is going on with Gabby. She does appear to have more experience than what one would learn from friends only. I think she has had many sex partners, and l mean a lot..

Why she is lying l do not know.

5/5

Chapters are too short!!!

@Razzakel

Each chapter takes 15 to 20 hours to write (sometimes more).

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Imagine writing for 10 hours on Saturday, and another 5 to 10 hours on Sunday. At 20 hours per week, that's basically a part-time job.

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If you want more content, consider supporting me on my Patreon, where I post every Sunday.

patreon.com/KaizerWolf

At $2 per month, you can get access up to Ch 50 (as well as an extra chapter per week, essentially $0.25 per chapter).

Just one thing, and that's this sentence: "Gabriella eagerly stepped out of her bedroom to find me waiting, dressed in a sky-blue silk nighty, with black lacing around the edges."

The way it's currently written makes sound as if *Kai* is the one dressed in a sky-blue silk nighty, with black lacing around the edges. I know that's not how it is, but that's how it comes across. Changing it to: "Gabriella eagerly stepped out of her bedroom, dressed in a sky-blue silk nighty with black lacing around the edges, to find me waiting." makes it grammatically correct.

I get the distinct feeling that gabby is romantically interested in Kai

I love this stuff it is getting better who will be next.

Enjoying this so far. One small, insignificant niggle; it's 'petals' on a flower, 'pedals' on a vehicle. Looking forward to more!

Yeah, still can’t see this working as a harems story, with a girlfriend who’s a dominatrix, part succubus “loving” one man after just 24 hrs, it’s more like she has a power over him, that’s certainly not love, more lust than anything.

@Ramaza

Real successful relationships, in real life, are founded on one major thing: Respect

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It doesn't matter who is dominant, who is submissive, or even who has power and who doesn't. Even 'Power' itself isn't a one-dimensional issue. It's multifaceted. The guy in a relationship can have 'power' when it comes to making financial decisions, while a woman can have 'power' when it comes to the bedroom and sex. Or it can be the reverse, where the woman handles the finances, and controls the money, while the guy is otherwise dominant in the bedroom. (And that's just two forms of power -- there are many forms).

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Furthermore, for a relationship to be a 'harem,' all that matters is that all the women are committed to one guy (that they don't have sex with other men). It doesn't matter if the women are assertive or not. Doesn't matter if they are more dominant, or not. Doesn't even matter if they have more forms of power, or not.

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You said that you "can't see this working as a harem story," as if implying that a man has to be dominant in order to keep the women from cheating, but that's ridiculous.

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A man doesn't have to have 'control' over the woman to keep a harem 'stable.' Each individual woman is a person, and can either choose to be in the relationship, exclusive to the main character, or not. And if a woman decides to sleep with another man, then he can just break up with her. But he doesn't have to 'control them' to make it work. While rare in real life, there are valid reasons for a woman might choose to be in such a relationship, and if this story 'was' real life, then the reasons presented in the story would likewise be valid. (Because the main character offers things that normal men cannot.)

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Going back to the 'power' issue: A woman can have more wealth, control the money, control the living arrangements, control what happens in the bedroom, and otherwise 'seem' to have all the power.

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But at the end of the day, the main character controls their own decision about being with that person. And if the woman desperately wants to be with the main character, then he holds a form of power that supersedes all the forms of powers that she holds. Because at the end of the day, he can walk away from the relationship, and if she doesn't want that to happen, then she will bend over backwards to make sure he stays.

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In real life, this is exactly how it usually works, except in reverse.

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Usually, the man has all the power, but the woman controls the one thing that supersedes everything else: the woman's decision to stay in the relationship. He might control the money and make all the decisions, but at the end of the day, she can leave the relationship, just because she wants to. And that gives her a lot of power.

Mostly good story, original premise. One small detail, though, you refer to Gabby's apartment as a "studio", then say that it has a kitchen, living room, and bedroom. A studio is a single room, sometimes even without a separate bathroom, just a curtained area or even a shared bathroom for the whole floor.