All Comments on 'Inside'
by OrlandusLassus
- 9 Comments
Anonymousover 17 years agoyour story was the epitome of control on both parts of the D/s equation. Beautiful simply beautiful!!!!
danielle321over 16 years agoi really enjoyed this story. the control and teasing made it amazing.
gem28about 15 years agosuch a different story,i enjoy both their struggles.what a way to teach discipline,lust mixed with need.devine.
Anonymousabout 13 years agoGreat use of anticipation, you really painted a picture of the scene well in addition to getting right inside the characters' heads.
Personally I thought you ended the piece at the right point to let the reader's imagination take over.
Anonymousabout 13 years agoI enjoyed your story. As others said, there's great use of anticipation and you did a nice job letting us into each of their minds. However, the sloppy mechanics were distracting at the most inopportune times. The fact that you posted this story over four years ago doesn't fill me with confidence that you are still here and anxious for feed back. But hoping you still have the same email address, and you'll see the notification that you have a comment on your story, AND that you'll want to read it, I'm going to give you a nickel's worth of free advice. Just remember, it's worth the price you paid for it.
As my first example, in the first long paragraph, you state, "Her on top of him. . . ." I guess you were going for a certain style, omitting the implied verb "was," so the reader senses the urgency. Okay, fine. Omit the verb. But as someone whom I assume finished high school should know, "her" is not the word we use for a subject. That word is "she." Try reading it out loud as you wrote it, but with the implied verb. See what I mean?
Next, the same paragraph, third to last sentence. "Her hips were not even pressed against <this> at this point." I'm sure you meant "his" but you wrote this. A quick run through the most basic grammar checking program would have caught it before you posted your story here.
Another sloppy error occurs about three or four paragraphs later. For brevity, I pick it up in the second half of the sentence, "and had her catch breath actually catch in her throat." I get the scene here: she's feeling so good she can barely talk. But the way you wrote it is so awkwardly worded that I had to read it several times before it was clear. There are two ways to phrase the thought, and I believe you wrote one way, then changed your mind, but didn't do a complete job editing out your first pass at it.
A couple paragraphs further (the one which begins, "Ah, my toy. . ."), at the beginning of the second line he says, "Your cunt too hungry . . ." Again, you forgot the verb "is," but this time it isn't for style. The middle part of the next sentence states, "he back arched a little more" but I'm sure you meant "his back . . ."
I could go on, but I hope you get the point. You have a nice style of writing, but this piece looks as if you forgot to do the final edit. Do you take the time to read your work out loud before you think you're finished? That's a tip I taught my middle and high school students because it will catch the vast majority of these sloppy errors. If you have Microsoft Office (or access to it), the word processing program, Word, has an excellent, built in, grammar checking program. You can adjust the settings to show any errors, designated by a green wavy underline, as you write. If you don't understand what the're trying to point out, you can ask them to explain it. If you don't have access to any grammar program, I'm sure there's at least one or two available on line to download.
Follow just those two tips (read it out loud and run it through a grammar check), and you'll be amazed at how much your writing will improve. You've got great ideas to share; don't let the message get lost in the mechanics.
