Internal Combustion

He, however, decided to let pride get in the way of being humble and put an arm around her, stuck his chin out defiantly and said, "Not to worry Babe, you just hadn't met me yet - the right guy for you. I've known all along that you were the one. And I'm going to spend the rest of our lives showing you that." With that he glared at me and shot me that self-satisfied smirk. Oh... this was going to be fun.

"So, Dickwad, you think the Cheating Whore is, "The One", do you?"

"You're damn right she is, and if you don't stop calling her that, we're going to have a problem."

I ignored his childish threat.

"So, Cheating Whore, does Dickwad here make you feel like "The One?"

She sighed, upset at my name-calling (like I gave a fiddler's fuck), "Yes, Jim, he does. You did too, I've said that over and over. It's just that Barry makes me feel so incredibly complete, like I'm his entire world, so yes, I believe I am "The One" for him."

By this time Dickwad had recovered some of his bravado and he looked at me and said, "I'm sorry buddy, but when you find the one, you just can't deny what the universe is telling you. I know it's hard being replaced like this, but I know once you see how happy we are you'll admit it to yourself."

I looked up at the ceiling like I was trying to recall something, "Hmmm...."The One", "The One", where have I heard that expression before. Hang, on..I think I remember."

With that I grabbed my phone and made a big production of searching through it and finally found what I was looking for. "Ah ha! Here it is. This is from Dickwad himself from just eighteen months ago. Let me read it for you both. Well, Jimmy boy, rip up my bachelor card. I've met "The One". Amy is fucking amazing. We are so damn into each other I can't tell you. She's smart, she gets me, she fucking amazing in the sack and has pussy like silk. She works on the base and is just so damn hot. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. We've been together for about 3 months and I'm already starting to think about popping the question. I hope you and the rest of the boys are ready to get together for a bachelor party in a few months, cause I'm gonna need one!"

"So, Dickwad, how many "The Ones" are you supposed to have? Doesn't the term "The One" mean just one? Between the three other halfs the Cheating Whore here has and the two "The Ones" you have, it's gonna be pretty crowded in that king-size bed I shelled out for last year."

Old Dickwad looked like he had just taken a shot of vinegar - he looked at Peggy and said, "Baby - I was foolish - I got caught up in being lonely and I panicked. It didn't last much beyond that email and she's in the past. You know you're "The One" for me."

"Oh, So Amy wasn't "The One" - Peggy is?"

"Yes, just like Peggy, everyone is entitled to jump the gun."

I smiled and looked down at my phone and started scrolling, "So, just to confirm also, let me see here...Cindy in Fort Hood isn't "The One" and .... Hold on.... scrolling.... scrolling, ahh...here it is, Donna at Fort Sill isn't "The One"? You know, Dickwad, I'm confused, because I have emails from you telling me all three of these women were "The One." I'm no math wizard, but I think you've now got four "The Ones!"

I pressed on, "Look, I could not care less about either one of you. You, Dickwad, as I said, are dead to me. You, my Cheating Whore of a wife, I am stuck dealing with because of our kids, for basically ever. My point is that you two sit here so fucking angelic trying to tell me that this romance of yours is something you couldn't control, something that was bigger than you both, when in actual fact, you're both just faithless fucks, that, frankly deserve the hurt you're going to put on one another. I've actually started a pool with the rest of the guys from our unit to guess which one of you cheats first and guessing how long you're together before the whole thing becomes a dumpster fire."

This enraged my soon-to-be-ex-wife. "How dare you! How dare you try to poison our friends against us. They are just as much Barry's and my friends as they are yours. Just because your ego is hurt and you can't understand what true love is, doesn't give you the right to put our friends in the middle of all of this." She turned to Dickwad and said, "Don't worry baby, once they see how happy we are at the wedding, everything will be fine and Mr. Bitter over there will just have to deal with it on his own."

Dickwad tried unsuccessfully to sound conciliatory when it was obvious that he was trying to rub more salt in the wound, "Yeah, Jim, I know that the wedding will be the first time that the whole crew will be together and you won't be included. Peggy and I kicked around the idea of inviting you to the wedding so you could see the kids and also be around the gang, but we figured it would be too painful for you to be there. Maybe some of the gang can drop in to see you the next day. They might be a little hungover though - you know how they like to party!"

There was that smug fucking smirk again - time for that to be wiped off.

I picked up my phone and simply texted, "Go ahead" in a group text box.

"Oh, don't worry about me, I have plans that are going to keep me quite busy that day."

Within seconds, both of their phones started buzzing with incoming mail. If the phones had been sitting on the table, I'm sure they would have been spinning with all of the notifications.

"Well, what do you know - speak of the devil - here are a bunch of replies from the gang about the wedding," Jim enthused and immediately opened the first one. He frowned and opened the second one and the third. Peggy, seeing his pained expression opened up her phone and started looking at the replies. They were all the same. Her head snapped up and her eyes bored into me. If looks could kill, well, let's just say I wouldn't be writing this tale.

"What the hell did you do!"

"What do you mean, Cheating Whore?"

"You know goddam well what I mean, what did you say to our friends. No-one is coming - every reply is the same!" She shoved the phone in my face. I didn't know what the exact words were going to be, but I had a pretty good idea of the message. I laughed right out loud when I read it.

"Sorry, won't be there. We have a barbecue at Jim's that day. P.S. DON'T SHIT WHERE YOU EAT!!"

Dickwad was crestfallen, "I can't believe my guys would abandon me like this. There's no way they would have done this without some coercion - what did you say to them!"

"Well, first things first - I don't give a shit if you believe me, but I had zero to do with this. If they wanted to go, that was up to them. I would not have been upset nor disappointed. I would not have taken it as the gang choosing the two of you treacherous fucks over me. I've actually spoken very little to anyone in the group about this - I was that embarrassed. But, as soon as your invitations went out, I got a call from Dennis asking when the house-warming was going to be. I told him that I hadn't made any plans yet and he told me that the group had decided it was going to be on the same day as your wedding. I told him that they didn't have to do that, that it wasn't fair to make them choose and I was fine with them going to your wedding, but they insisted. Again - I couldn't care less if you believe me, but that is exactly what happened. So, I guess yours is going to be a smaller affair than you planned. Guess it will save you a bit of money on the meal!"

They both looked like they'd lost their best friend - which, in some ways they had. I truly had not done anything to try to torpedo their wedding day - I honestly didn't care. However, the rest of the gang took an extremely dim view of what they had done and wanted nothing to do with the nuptials. They contacted me and informed me that they would be coming from far and wide to christen my new house and support me the best way they knew how. Truth be told, I knew I'd be pretty deep in self-pity that day, so having the gang around me, and more importantly NOT around them, was going to be a tonic for my severely bruised soul.

Dickwad was fuming, "Well, that's just fucking great! I show up at every one of their fucking weddings and when I want them to come to mine, they turn their backs on me!

The Cheating Whore tried to soothe him, "Baby, don't worry about it. We knew that there were going to be awkward times. I can kind of understand their thinking on this. While it's a wonderful day for us, it's going to be a very difficult day for Jim and we made them choose between us. I think it's admirable that they chose the person that's going to need the most support. You'll see at the next get together. Things will be almost back to normal. And Jim will just have to accept our presence there and deal with it the best he can."

I fought valiantly to supress a smirk, "Yeah, I'll have to figure some way to get by. Thankfully the next party is on my weekend, so the kids and I will have a fun road-trip and I'll have them to keep my spirits up."

"How do you know when that is? I haven't seen an invitation. I've been expecting it - Gerry and Anne always have it sometime in July."

"Yeah, it's the weekend after the holiday weekend. I mapped it out on the calendar so that's how I know it's my weekend with the kids. Invitations were sent out three weeks ago."

The two of them were madly scrolling through their phones, the reality slowly dawning on them. Dickwad looked like he had been kicked in the stomach, which, figuratively, he had been.

"I can't believe my guys turned their backs on me. We've been like brothers for almost twenty years." He looked like he was going to cry and Peggy put a sympathetic arm over his shoulder and glared at me.

"You might not have anything to do with this, but you can sure as hell fix it! And I expect you to! Barry and I have just as much right to be there as you do!"

Again, I laughed out loud, "You know, just when I think you can't be more delusional or self-absorbed, you prove me wrong. I have neither the time nor the inclination to lobby on your behalf. Ho. Ly. Fuck! You two are completely fucking nuts! You have no idea how much of a shitstorm your so-called love affair has set off and how many people it has affected. The gang from the unit is one thing. But fuck Peggy - your family is devastated! My family is devastated! And all of that pales in comparison to the kids."

Her head shot up, "Oh no, you don't! You don't get to hold my kids against me! I am an outstanding mother and I have done the research. I know that divorce, while tough on kids, no longer defines them. In fact, in lots of cases, children from divorced families end up much happier and better off after the chaos of the divorce has eased, so don't you go telling me that my following my heart is bad for my kids, because there is NOTHING more important to me than their happiness!"

"Well," I countered, "We know that's not true, don't we? If it were true, you wouldn't have spread your slutty legs for that pathetic excuse for a man sitting beside you."

"Jim!" she shrieked, "I just got through telling you that kids from divorced homes more often than not thrive after the divorce is over - I've done my research!"

I just shook my head, "You stupid cow! Of course kids from BROKEN homes recover and feel safer and on a more solid footing when their warring parents finally split up! But that's not what Emma and Liam have experienced is it? We had a happy and loving home. Full of support, full of laughter and set on a really solid foundation. Now, they don't know what's going to happen and if you had just sat and talked to them...REALLY talked to them instead of telling them how great it's going to be, you'd realize that they are, for the first time in their lives, scared and unsure about the future."

This had really hit home with Peggy. For all of her faults that had become evident in the last three months, prior to that, I couldn't have named a better mother. She was the perfect combination of parent and friend and she knew when to be both. Who this new person was, I didn't know; but this statement had really struck at the core of who she was and I could tell that she was rattled. I pushed on.

"I'm telling you right now. Every A that becomes a B is because you are a Cheating Whore! Every time one of them comes home and is sullen and withdrawn and just goes to their room, it's because you are a Cheating Whore! Every time they see someone smirk at them at school or walk by a group of their peers and hear the snicker, it's because you are a Cheating Whore!

You've taught my son that no matter how good of a husband he is, no matter how wonderful of a father he is and now matter how honorable of a man he is, if his wife decides she wants more, everything he has worked for can simply be pulled out from underneath him. He has told me himself that he now can't ever see himself getting married."

When I said that, a look of horror came across Peggy's face. "Oh, god no! He mustn't feel that way!"

I gave her a withering glare, "Give me one good reason why he shouldn't - the most important female role model in his life has just thrown away the most important male role model in his life for what... some strange cock? Give your fucking head a shake! What other conclusion is he going to come to?"

"And what have you taught Emma? You might delude yourself by thinking that you've taught her to never accept nothing but exactly what you want but what you've really shown her is that it's ok to blow up a perfectly happy home for something that is shiny and new and exciting. Congratulations Peggy, you get my vote for Mom of the Year!"

She was clearly rattled now. She certainly didn't like what she saw in the mirror I had just held up to her face. It was time for Dickwad to come to her rescue - or at least try to.

"Don't pay him any attention Babe. He's fighting a losing battle. Once Emma and Liam see how truly happy their momma is and how much better their home will be, everything will be fine. Jim, I have to say. I know you are hurting and as much as you don't believe me, I'm truly sorry for that. If there was any way it could have been avoided, we would have done it. But, that being said, you are kind of shocking me here. I've known you a long time and I've never seen this crazy vindictive side of you. Give us some credit here. We have nothing but the kid's best interest at heart."

"Oh, I'm sure you believe that. I will never forgive myself allowing a serial homewrecker into my sanctuary. I was conflicted between my duty to the unit and my duty to my family. In my defence, I thought bringing you here would allow me to control things a bit and keep you from destroying lives. My mistake was trusting in the one relationship I thought was safe. I warned neighbours about you, I warned the people where I got you your job about you. The one person I didn't warn was myself and my kids will ultimately pay the price for my mistake. I will spend the entire time between now and what I know will be your ultimate breakup protecting them from you two morally bankrupt fucks. My only hope is that at least one of you does the inevitable and fucks around before Emma comes of age in five years, because if not, I can pretty much guarantee Dickwad will be coming after her once she does.

Talk about your dropping a turd in the pool!

With a roar he leapt from the table and came after me with molten fury in his eyes. I was totally expecting it and calmly sidestepped his attack and after a short time of him flailing around I had him cinched into a very tight and very painful arm bar. When we served together, I was basically in charge of showing him the ropes and while I may have taught him everything he knows, I sure as fuck didn't teach him everything I know.

He screamed at me, "You fucking cocksucker, I'm going to fuck you........aughhhh!"

Funny how bending someone's arm right to the point of breaking it stops them from talking.

"Shut the fuck up you piece of shit or I'll snap this thing off and shove it up your ass!"

"Jim!," Peggy shrieked, "Stop this right now! You let him go immediately! I fucking mean it!"

I hissed in Dickwad's ear, "Are you going to fucking calm down if I let you go? Give me your fucking word - whatever the fuck that's worth and I'll think about not making you have a cast in your fucking wedding pictures."

"Fuck you!" I cinched it even tighter - he squealed in pain.

"Barry! Just tell him you're going to calm down. He's not worth it!"

"I'll fucking step down, just let me the fuck go!"

"Say please."

"Fuck you!"

"Oh, now you have to say pretty please!" I pulled it tighter. I swear I could hear bones cracking. I have to hand it to him; he was handling the pain pretty well.

But...everyone has their breaking point.

"Let me go - pretty please."

With an evil grin, I let him go and pushed him away from me so I didn't have to worry about him trying to swing at me. Turns out he was a little smarter than I gave him credit for. He turned around and glared white-hot fury at me. But he stayed back.

Peggy was beside herself with rage. "Jim, I swear I have no idea who you are anymore. This man saved your life - you saved his! I know you are mad, but to accuse him of such a sick, hideous thing is beyond disgusting. How dare you say these things! I can't properly put into words how disappointed I am in you!"

I just shook my head at her. "You think this is just my anger coming out? That I'm just throwing this shit out to piss you off? Sit the fuck down and sit down now!"

"I won't! We tried to be understanding of your feelings and we tried to allow you an opportunity to vent, but this is totally unacceptable!"

"Suit yourself, but you are going to hear what I have to say before I go."

I looked over at Dickwad who was still staring daggers at me, while he was shaking out his arm, trying to get some feeling back in it.

"Hey Dickwad, help me out here. I've got three figures of speech I need help with. Care to help me understand what "Bagging a Brace", "Scoring a Hat Trick" and "Hitting for the Cycle" mean?"

His eyes widened, but he didn't want to face what he knew was coming so he tried vainly to put off the inevitable.

"I...uh...I have ...uh...no fucking idea what you are talking about. Probably some more made-up shit like you've been spewing since you got here!"

"Really? Denial is what you are going with? Suit your fucking self and don't say I didn't give you a chance to come clean."

I looked over at Peggy, "Well my dear, Cheating Whore, let me give you a lesson in 'Dickwadese'. First, in most countries, "Bagging a Brace" means getting two of something like scoring two goals in a hockey game or catching two fish. In 'Dickwadese', it means fucking two women in the same family. In fact, he stayed with the last "The One" before you just long enough for her daughter to turn 18 so he could fuck her. I don't know if poor Amy knows he fucked her daughter, but it was only a couple of weeks after that that he dumped her."

"That can't... no...it just can't be true. Barry - tell me it's not true!"

Good old Dickwad did his bass in boat impression again and his mouth was just flapping open and closed.

"Oh, it get's better!" I enthused, "Scoring a Hat Trick, instead of what we think it means - scoring three goals, in old Barry's world means getting three women in the same family. He did that one a couple of times. Now don't worry "Dear", I've already alerted your dad about ol' Dickwad's charms and he's told me that he'll never let your future hubby near your mom. Even I have to admit, for an older lady, Donna's still got it going on!"

At this point I think my former buddy Barry would have paid to have the world swallow him up. His face was red and he suddenly had an almost obsessive interest in some lint on the floor.