Intrinsic Right

I was offended by the fact that he lusted after a whole different type of woman. At least, for the first ten years of our marriage. Then intimidated for the next five. The last four years, though, I'd given up on feeling threatened. If he'd wanted to cheat on me, he'd done it by now. He's the most loyal person I know. It's like it's embedded into his character so firmly that he couldn't shake it even if he wanted to.

I was just going to leave well enough alone. Never mention it to him. Continue on with things the way they were. That is, until I really started looking into the sites that he visited.

It started with that story on Tumblr. I wondered if that woman's cuckquean fetish had anything to do with what my husband was secretly desiring. I hadn't clicked much on the links that I found in the computer history. I had no interest in watching naked people writhing around on the screen. It was all so sordid to me. But a couple of the links were erotic stories on various sites. So I decided to snoop a little more to see if I could find a pattern. There was definitely a common thread. I was shocked to find that the overriding theme of each of them was impregnation.

Ray fantasized about getting a girl pregnant.

I was shocked. And hurt. But mostly just shocked and sickened by the knowledge that the one thing I could never give him was what he fantasized about. And it was such a primal thing, too. The urge to reproduce. It was what God intended for us to do. It was His will that we should procreate.

I hardly think that Ray was reading impregnation fantasies because it was God's design. But that was how I could relate to this ... this obsession of Ray's. At least this made some sort of sense. I wouldn't have known what to do if he'd been fantasizing about women tying him up and beating him. I mean, I could never do that. Well, I could never do a lot of things, but that's another story.

I was sort of off the hook with the impregnation thing, though. I couldn't have children, but that was to no fault of my own. This wasn't something I decided to withhold from Ray. God had decided that I couldn't reproduce. End of story.

I'd felt appropriately guilty about it, at first. I knew how much Ray wanted that baby. I wanted it, too. And then ... then, when we found out I could never have babies ... I don't know who got more depressed, me or him.

I offered to give him a divorce. He was young, we both were, but he had a lot of years ahead of him to find a wife who could give him the family that he wanted. He declined, of course. I offered every week that first year, with always the same response from him. Finally, I just accepted that he was happy with things the way they were, and went on. Until I read those stories six months ago and realized that he'd been lying to me this whole time.

Oh, I don't think he did it on purpose. He's been lying to himself, really. I just happened to be the one who believed the fairy tale. That a man could put aside all his basal urges for one woman. His wife.

I think ... no, I know that Ray would continue to stand by me for the rest of our lives together. That's why I had to do this thing. For him. For us. I wanted to give him the one thing that he's always wanted and deserved. A baby. More specifically, an object of desire that would do all the things that I cannot, or will not, do for him.

It's a sin, I know. I've talked to God dozens of times about this, starting with the day I first discovered Ray's little secret. I bawled and bawled, until my gut wrenched and I was draped over the toilet bowl dispensing my lunch into the water below. The truth of what I'd seen stabbed me in the heart until I wished it would kill me so that my beloved husband could pursue the life he was supposed to have. With another woman. A young, fertile woman.

This is the right thing to do. My intense reaction when I even think about him bedding another woman, Jesse, is evidence enough that it is the right thing to do. If I never lay with my husband again, I will be fine. I've never liked sex all that much, anyway. I invited him to enter my body last night because I knew it would be the last time. I want him to take Jesse in my stead. I'll even divorce him so he can marry her, if he wants. It's not my first choice, but when I set out to do this thing, I had to examine every possibility to know whether or not I could handle it.

It would be difficult to let him go completely, but not impossible. My love for him transcends selfishness. And if I'm to be a true woman of God, I must embrace this, because isn't this what true christianity is all about? The God that I talk to tells me so. This is right, no matter what anyone else might think of it.

I bowed my head in silent prayer for a moment, even as the throbbing between my thighs fought to distract me. I would take care of my physical needs when my spiritual ones were sated.

God, give me the strength to follow through with this plan. Let me rise above the jealousy and fear to do what is right.

A calmness flooded over me. I mouthed 'Amen' and opened my eyes. The vision of Ray, standing at the door, filled my view and made me smile. It was a sign that this was right. I smiled up at him with all the love and hope that I was feeling at that moment. Pushing open the car door, I hurriedly moved toward him, anxious to hear about his day with his girl.

"You have to fire Jesse."

"What?! Why?"

"Come inside."

I followed Ray into the kitchen. My heart was pounding hard in my chest.Did she steal something? Break my mother's china? Throw a teenage temper tantrum? I couldn't fathom what would make him have a sudden change of heart.

I sat down at the table and clasped my hands together to keep them from trembling. "What is it, Ray? What has Jesse done?"

"Done? Oh, nothing. I mean, nothing like that. She just has to go. Right away. Tell her we'll pay her for two full weeks of work. That'll give her time to look for a new job. But she can't come back here tomorrow. Okay?"

Ray was in such a panic that it was almost comical. I should've seen this coming. I never thought ... so soon. I wondered what they'd done. If he'd slipped completely, or was able to rely upon his iron control to keep things from going too far. I wanted to ask, but I knew he'd just shut down if I did. I hadn't divulged my plan. I hadn't explained to him that this is what God wants us to do.

Actually, since it's Ray, I should probably leave God out of it. He's never been a huge fan. He goes to church because I make him go. He's gotten pretty good at taking short naps while sitting up, without snoring.

"So, you want me to fire her without any provocation?"

"No. I mean, yes, I guess I do. We can't afford a maid, er, housekeeper. We have bills that need to be paid."

I wanted to string him along for a bit, but I honestly didn't have the heart to do so. He was trying so hard to find a reason for me to fire her.

Okay ... here goes nothing...

"The truth is, Ray ... well ..." I cleared my throat to stall. I hadn't rehearsed this part of the plan, so I wasn't quite sure how to begin. "I ... I hired Jesse for you."

"For me?"

"Yes. To be your friend. A special friend. Your lover."

"My WHAT?!"

"Your lover, dear. Mistress, concubine ... whatever they call them these days. Or, if you insist, your wife."

"I already have a wife."

"Yes, I know. But I am willing to divorce you if you'd rather be married to the mother of your children."

"The mother of my ... have you been drinking? Does Jesse know about this?"

I shook my head. "No, honey. Maybe you should sit down. I have something to tell you that might come as a bit of a shock."

Ray slowly slid into the chair across from mine. His face was frozen with this expression that was a combination of bewilderment and fear.

"I know all about your impregnation fantasy. I browsed the computer history and followed the links to sites you visited. Some of them, anyway. Not all of them. Not the ones with videos. The important thing for you to know is that I understand. It's only natural for you to have this yearning. All creatures have it. Since I can't give you what you need, I think it is only right that you seek it elsewhere. With Jesse, if you like her enough. You do like her, don't you? That's what all this business with firing her is all about. Right?"

Ray averted his gaze and nodded. I felt a gush of wetness soak the crotch of my panties.

"I like her, too. I want the two of you to be together. In the biblical sense."

"You want me to sleep with Jesse?"

"Yes. Among other things. I mean, I want you to enjoy her ... in that way ... whatever way that is."

"Are you asking for a threesome?"

"Oh, gads, no. Honey! How could you think that?"

Ray shook his head. "I don't know what to think of this, to be honest with you."

"It's not really important what I want, except that, in the end, I want you to be happy and fulfilled."

"I am happy and fulfilled."

I sighed at that. I needed him to at least admit some of the truth or this wasn't going to work. "What happened today with you and Jesse?"

Ray's chin hit his chest, his shoulders dropping an inch. "We kissed."

I couldn't hold back the elation that I felt. "Oh, good."

"Good? I was unfaithful to you, to vows that I made to you on our wedding day."

"It doesn't matter, honey. What matters is whether or not you want more. Do you?"

"Is this a trap?"

"No. No, Ray, it's not a trap. Can't you see that I'm thrilled for you? I didn't think it would happen this fast, to be honest, but I'm glad that it did. I knew from the first moment I met Jesse that she was perfect for you. Her figure is just how you like. And her desire to have lots of children must thrill you to death."

"You know about that?"

"Her aunt told me at church a couple of months ago. It came up when I asked Darla where Jesse wanted to go to college. She's just what you've always wanted, isn't she dear?"

Ray reluctantly nodded.

"Do you want a divorce so you can be with her?"

"No. I don't want a divorce. I don't want ... I don't know what I want right now. I'm so fucking confused at the moment, I can't see straight."

I scowled at him for cursing.

"You have no right to look down on me for cussing. What you're suggesting ... whatever this is ... it's not right, Corinne."

"It's not conventional. It's not exactly proper, or moral, but it is right. Of that, I'm certain."

"You want a divorce, is that it?"

"No, Ray. No. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to leave you. I just want you to have what you deserve. I want you to have Jesse. In your bed, in your life, in your ... heart."

The last words were the most difficult to say. It is inevitable. Ray is going to fall in love with Jesse. He's probably halfway there, already. I'd mulled this over in my head a thousand times. Some of my most powerful zeniths have been imagining them together, whispering how much they loved one another in each other's ears. It was the eventual reality that stung the most. And also the one that left me writhing in wanton agony every time.

"I will always love you. You've given me nineteen wonderful years of marriage. I hope that you will do something similar for Jesse. I want you to be happy, Ray."

"What about you? I don't hear anything about your happiness."

"I'll be happy just watching the two of you together. If you'll let me stay."

"Of course you can stay. This is your home, Corinne."

"It's your home, first and foremost. And Jesse's, if you choose to bring her here. If this arrangement is too weird for her, then I'll move out. We'll do things the traditional way. Financially, it would be better if we stuck together, though, don't you think?"

"Probably."

"And there is one little thing that I haven't mentioned."

"What is that?"

"Have you ever heard of cuckolding?"

"Of course."

"Then, do you know what a cuckquean is?"

Ray paused for a second, then slowly shook his head.

"She's sort of the opposite of a cuckold. I discovered this while following some of your naughty little links. A cuckquean gains sexual satisfaction from her husband's infidelity. Most of the time, from watching it, though, that doesn't appeal to me at all."

"Are you trying to tell me that you are a cuckquean?"

"I am, yes. Surprise! Who would have thought, right? It is true, though. I've recently discovered the art of self-fulfillment. I rather like it. More than ... well, more than the real thing."

"I'm glad you've found something that you enjoy."

"Oh, I have. I really have. And the key is you, my darling husband. I fantasize about you with another woman. Being with her. Doing things with her that I ... that I ... can't do. I think of how fulfilled that will make you. I even sometimes imagine you badmouthing me, to some extent, to your paramour. Telling her how much better a lover she is than me. How much more you desire her ..." I had to stop because the throbbing in my nether regions was taking my breath away.

"I would never do that."

"You should refrain from using the word, never. I never thought I'd be giving you to another woman. And I certainly never thought it possible that such a thing would lift me to heights that I'd not once experienced before. It's difficult to even talk about it without ... well, you know."

Ray looked curiously at me. "Without touching yourself?"

I nodded.

"Are you wet right now?"

I nodded again.

Ray pushed his hair off his forehead. "I don't get this at all."

"It's okay, Ray. You don't have to get it. Just consider doing this. Not just for you, but for me, too."

"What about Jesse?"

"I think we both know what she wants. And you're just the man to give it to her."

I pushed myself away from the table and stood. There wasn't anything left to discuss. Either he was going to do this, or he wasn't.

"I'm going to go change my clothes, and then start moving my things into the spare bedroom. You can help me if you want. Or you can stay here and think things over."

I brushed his cheek with my fingertips as I passed him. I hoped that he understood that I loved him. That all of this was only possible because of my love for him.

No matter what people were going to say about us, or me, I would always know that I did the right thing. That this arrangement would be a testimony of all the love we have for one another, and ourselves. And in my case, of God, as well.

*****

Part Three

Ray

My inner voice was silent. My mind buzzed like I'd just drank a case of beer. I don't know how long I sat there. Long enough for the light in the sky to dim.

After all the shit Corinne had just said to me, the one revelation bouncing around my brain was that my wife had just confessed that her pussy was wet, and it had no effect on me at all. Before today, before that blasted kiss, I would've sworn to anyone who would listen that I still desired my wife more than any other woman in the world.

That would've been true two days ago.

Now ... Now there was only one woman with whom I desired. Jesse. Achingly beautiful and sweet Jesse. It was like I'd fallen into a well that I couldn't get out of. And didn't want to. If I drowned in it, I didn't care. How the hell did I fall so fast? Two days with this angel and I'm prepared to walk away from my marriage of nearly twenty years. After just two days.

But I didn't have to walk away, did I? Corinne had said that we could stay married. That she wanted to stay married. Did I want that?

My heart ached at the answer. No. I wanted to bind Jesse to me in name.

If Corinne wanted to stay in the house and help with bills because she got some erotic thrill out of it, then who was I to kick her out? Jesse, on the other hand, might give her the boot, and I'd support that. I'd support anything that made my wife happy.

Suddenly, I was filled with a sense of dread. Jesse and I had parted on uncertain terms, at best. I'd hurt her. For all I knew, she was planning to never see me again. Earlier, that thought would have made me relieved. Now, it felt like someone had their hands around my throat.

I started walking toward the bedrooms. I needed to talk to Jesse. Now. Before she pushed me out of her life for good. I needed to apologize, beg her forgiveness if I had to...

The doorbell rang, interrupting my thoughts. I was torn between answering it and seeking out my wife to get Jesse's number. When Corinne didn't emerge from either bedroom, I decided I should probably answer the door.

I swung it open swiftly, hoping to be rid of whoever was there in less than a minute. Standing on the stoop was Jesse. Her eyes were bloodshot and her nose and cheeks blotchy from crying. God, how I wanted this woman.

I opened the door and let her enter. I started to reach for her, but stopped myself. I couldn't afford to be presumptuous now. Maybe she was crying because of something Rick did, and she was totally unaffected by what happened earlier today. Maybe.

"What are you doing here, Jesse?"

"Mrs. B- Corinne called me."

"Just now?"

"Twenty minutes ago?"

I turned toward the doorway, expecting to see Corinne there, but she wasn't. She'd obviously called Jesse for me. I do love that woman. "What did she say?"

"She said you had some things to say to me." Jesse was fighting to keep from crying.

"Did she say what kind of things?"

Jesse shook her head, barely able to keep from sobbing, from the looks of it.

I didn't want to say the things I was about to say while standing in the foyer. But I thought Jesse might crumble in my arms if I tried to usher her to the living room. "I'm sorry about earlier."

Jesse's eyes grew wide with horror. Tears fell unbidden down her cheeks.

"Not for the kiss. I'm not sorry about that. Shit, how could I? It was ... I don't know what you call it ... Perfect ... Magical ... Un - Unbelievable. I'm sorry for pushing you away afterward. I was confused. Still am, actually ... not about the kiss or how I feel about you, but ... Shit ... I'm not saying this right."

"How ... How do you feel about me?"

Her shaky voice was really wreaking havoc on my control. I wanted to scoop her into my arms and make everything right again. I wanted all the right words, the perfect ones that you hear in movies to come tumbling from my mouth.

Then, maybe then, I'd be somewhat worthy of her. I could earn the trust and friendship she has already so freely bestowed upon me. And I could win the girl that every other guy on the planet would give their left nut for.

"I'm not good with words, Jesse. I'm a math nerd. I don't know how to express what I've been feeling these past two days. It's been overwhelming. I met this beautiful young woman ... and she's ... she's everything that I ever wanted in a girl. She's bright. She's funny. Her warmth, and the way she cares so much about everyone around her just blows me away. And her body ... I can't even talk about it. It's amazing. I think she likes me, too, but I'm not sure. We want the same things, I think. Exactly the same things. And even though I don't deserve her, I hope ... I hope that she'll consider giving us a shot. Marrying me, eventually, if she wants to. And having my children. Lots and lots of them."

I wasn't sure if I'd said too much, or not enough. I hadn't told her that I love her, but it felt too soon for that. I mean, I was pretty damn sure that I already felt it, but I didn't even know if she was about to run out the door, or throw her arms around my neck. So far, she was doing neither.

"Are you okay? Was that too ... or ...?"

"What you said was perfect. But ... what about ... Corinne?"

"Oh. Yeah." I'd forgotten that little complication. No wonder Jesse was still standing three feet away from me. "Corinne has given us her blessing."