Is Love All or Nothing? Ch. 14

Diane looks over at Jackie with a bigger smile forming on her face. "Just grateful that Keith has such a wonderful woman in his life now that sees him for him."

Jackie smiles hearing the compliment from Keith's mother knowing it was more than just a compliment. She was truly welcomed into the family now.

Everyone else went into the family room except for Keith who wanted a little peace and quiet to himself. He could only take so much noise and questions about him and Jackie, so he went into the foyer and sat on the stairs. He checked his phone to see if he missed any important calls or emails and saw that he had missed a few messages from Andy. He opened up the texts and saw pictures of him and Lauren with his family, smiling and having a good time. He texted back that he's happy everything is going well for him. Not one second after he sends the texts Daniel approaches him.

"What are you doing out here away from everyone? Can't handle the heat?"

"No, I just wanted to relax and have a little time to myself."

Daniel chuckles at Keith's response. "Why can't you just enjoy time with friends and family like a normal person? Oh wait, never mind, you're not normal."

There it was. The first shot at Keith of the day about his Asperger's. "Being normal is overrated and I'm happy with who I am, Asperger's and all."

"Says the guy sitting by himself on the stairs."

"What does it matter to you where I am?" Keith says frustrated. "You're not responsible for me."

"You're right, I'm not," Daniel conceded, "but you should still be with us in the family room. You shouldn't let your Asperger's dictate how you should act."

"You don't know what it is like having Asperger's so you shouldn't tell me what to do or how I should let it affect me."

"Maybe you should start listening to me for once."

"And why would I do that? You're not a psychologist. I don't see how you could possibly offer any advice that would help me."

"Typical, seeing things in only black and white. Have you ever thought my advice would help you seem more normal?"

"Have you ever thought you don't know shit about how my brain actually works," Keith says starting to raise his voice, "and your advice is counterproductive?"

"And how is my advice counterproductive?"

"Because all you see is my Asperger's being a burden to me and everyone I care about. You have made that very clear from day one."

"It is a burden dumb ass. The sooner you realize it, the sooner your relationship with Jackie will get better or else you'll lose her."

"You have no idea what my relationship is like with Jackie," Keith shouts, not caring that his anger is getting the best of him. "You don't understand the first thing about me or how much I love her. You think you know me so well but you don't. She sees me for who I am!"

"And what would that be? A man who needs help knowing how to handle social situations or function in society?"

"She sees me as someone with Asperger's but sees I am more than that!" Keith had finally had enough of being put down and didn't care if he made a scene or not. "She sees me for the kind heart I have and genuinely caring for those close to me. She's seen me at my best and my worst. She has given me strength in ways I never had. She's given me courage to try new things and be more open. She's given me the ability to love her without having to hide anything from her. You can judge me all you want for just having Asperger's, but until you actually try to get to know me, shut the fuck up and fuck off!"

Keith's face was beet red with anger as he finished his rant. However it soon turned to fear as he saw past Daniel at the sight of Jackie. Her face was in shock after not just hearing what Keith said but the angry tone he used. Keith immediately thought he just ruined everything with his outburst.

"Well, I guess you two have something to talk about," Daniel says, pleased with himself as he walks away.

Keith is horrified that he just lost his temper right in front of Jackie. He makes no attempt to sit up and approach her as he sees the look in her eyes. Fear grips him as he realizes he might have just lost his girlfriend this day all because he let Daniel get to him. He looks down at the steps, afraid of what Jackie might say next, what she might do next. His mind races to every way this could end badly with her storming out, being told she is afraid for her safety around him, his family telling him off for losing it with everyone around, and just more scenarios going through his head that scare the shit out of him.

He sees Jackie's shadow start to approach the stairs and he assumes she wants to get by him to pack her suitcase and let him know she is leaving. He slides over to let her by, but instead she sits down next to him and puts her arms around him. He wants to tell her to not to do that, that he doesn't deserve this with what she just saw, what she just heard, but he couldn't find the strength to speak. He was frightened to say the wrong thing or even apologize for what just happened.

Several minutes pass and Jackie keeps her arms around Keith, hoping he will say something, anything. She's only seen him be like this once before and this time seems much worse. She tries to turn his face, but he refuses to look at her. She wants to get through to him somehow, get him out of this state.

"Keith, will you please look at me?" Keith shakes his head, still too afraid to look at her. "Keith, I'm here and I'm not leaving you." Still Keith doesn't look at her. "I'm not leaving you Keith. I won't leave you just because of what just happened." Keith slightly turns his head towards her, but still doesn't look at her. "You mean too much to me and I can't bear the thought of losing you."

That gets Keith's attention and he turns his head to see not a face fear, but a face of concern.

"You mean too much to me also Jackie. I don't want to live without you but I don't want you to see me unhinged like that either," Keith says trying to hold back his tears. "I don't want to scare you away again. I don't want you to be afraid of me."

"Why do you think you getting angry would scare me away?"

"Because the last time I lost my temper in front you, you left and said that you don't feel safe around me and you got an Uber to take you home."

"You thought I was afraid of you when you were yelling at Daniel?" Keith nods his head. "I wasn't afraid of you or for my safety. I heard you two going at it from down the hall and wanted to see what the hell was going on. What happened that got you so upset?"

Keith takes a few deep breaths to calm himself before he starts. "He loves reminding me I have Asperger's and telling me how I am less because of it. He just keeps putting me down and I'm sick of being treated like shit. I'm sick of people defining me by my Asperger's and going after those I care about."

"Going after those you care about? How did Daniel do that?"

Keith realizes he said too much but in his mind there is no going back.

"Remember when I told you I was going home after I dropped you off at your place while Melissa was there?" Jackie nods her. "Well I didn't go home first. I went to see Jillian."

"Why did you do that?"

"I wanted to tell her off and warn her to leave my friends alone."

"Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth."

"What you told me is part of the truth. What is the rest of it?"

Keith didn't want to tell her the whole truth. He wanted to hide this part of him as much as he could. "I don't want to tell you."

"Why?"

"Because...I don't want to."

"Please don't shut me out Keith. I want to help."

"I know Jackie...I just...I just wanted..." Keith struggles to find the words of what he wants to reveal. He thinks about how Jackie will react and if it is really worth telling her the whole truth.

"Can I talk to my brother for a minute?" Andrea asks as she appears.

Jackie simply nods at Andrea before turning back to Keith. "I'll be upstairs." She stands up not waiting for Keith's response and goes upstairs to their room. Andrea sits down next to Keith and he looks the opposite direction.

"How scared are you right now?"

Keith wasn't expecting a question from his sister at all, much less one that cut that straight to the point.

"Very scared," he quietly states.

"She can handle it Keith."

"I don't know if she can Andrea. Last time"

"Was different and didn't understand the hell your mind puts you through."

"I don't think she would understand if I did tell her everything," he says still looking away from her.

"She loves you more than you realize."

"So?"

"Didn't you just yell at Daniel that she loves you for you and gives you strength in ways you didn't have before?"

"I did."

"Then let her give you strength again. Let her be the woman you love for all the reasons you already know to be true. Show her the love you have for her that I wish Daniel had for me." Keith did a double take when he heard that. "Yes, I'm fed up with Daniel and not just because of what happened. It's a long story but you need to talk to your girlfriend."

Keith knows his sister is right. Jackie has been there for him and will continue to be. He just needs to open up and not be afraid of what happens. He gets up and walks up to the room to see Jackie packing their things into each other's suitcases.

"Is everything ok Keith?" Jackie asks still concerned for Keith.

"Yes," Keith says calm and relaxed, "and I'm ready to tell you the truth." Jackie stops putting clothes away and waits for Keith to continue. "The reason why I went to Jillian's to tell her off and went off on Daniel is because I don't like holding in my anger and it is not good for me to do so."

Jackie takes that all in and ponders what to say next. "What happens when you hold it in?"

"I've blown up much worse than you've seen. When I was younger, I was picked on all for various things. More than once, I just let my anger build to the point where I threw punches. I was suspended in junior high for a week once because of how violent I got."

"What about lately? Have you and Andy ever gotten into physical fights?"

"We have," Keith laughs thinking about those times, "and he kicked my ass all three of those times. Then one day he saw I played basketball while angry and how much better in a mood I was afterwards. The next time I was about to go off on him he told me to get my basketball shoes on and meet him on the court and take out my anger there."

"Is that why you two play every weekend?"

"That is a big part of it, but turns out it also helped him at the same time when he needed to blow off some steam. Afterwards, we actually talked about our feelings and what was going on in our lives, good and bad. Usually venting about the bad."

"Two guys actually talk about their feelings? Sounds like a myth to me."

"Well it is not a myth. You can ask him yourself next time you see him."

"Ok, I will when we are in front of everyone, I will ask."

"You're mean."

"You chose to be with me and let me in."

"I did on both of those accounts," Keith says as he approaches, "and being honest with you about everything, past and present, is something I need to keep doing. Especially if it is hard for me to tell you."

Jackie wraps her arms around Keith as he reaches her. "Do I ever have to be worried if I get you angry?"

Keith shakes his head. "I promise that I will never ever lay a hand on you. I will never hurt you." He looks deep into her eyes. "I will never hurt you in any anger or have you feel scared to be around me."

Jackie kisses Keith and when their lips separate a tear comes down her cheek. He attempts to wipe the tear but she stops him. "It's a happy tear. I don't want you to wipe it."

"I won't because seeing you happy is all I ever want."