Isolated Ch. 03

After my little accident my friends and work colleagues had called by. They delivered: flowers, homemade biscuits, cake, teabags, a pot of jam, chocolate, and other little treats. They were small gifts, but I cherished each one. I don't think I have cried so much. I was overwhelmed with love. The three kind nurses that had helped me at the hospital: Jane, Juliette and Kate called by for coffee and cake. I hoped in time to call them friends too. Frank came to see me. He was so apologetic that he hadn't visited me in hospital or visited sooner, but had wanted to give me time with my family. The second storm had been worse, but I was relieved to hear that his sturdy cottage was still intact. Eleanor spent a few hours fussing over me and sharing the latest office news.

I was reunited with my handbag. I was surprised and relieved that it was undamaged and everything still inside. The one thing I really wanted was my phone, only because it had two very important photographs on it. The first: of William and I on the island, and the other of the two of us just before I set off to visit Phyllis. I hoped to add many more. I printed them both and stuck them to the fridge with magnets.

William has been amazing with me. He helped me shower, not that he needed much encouragement, dressed me, cooked my meals and generally waited on me. I know I make a terrible patient, but he tolerated my many complaints with grace. We had our first argument. I had refused to obey his demand that I rest. I know he has my best interests at heart. I apologised afterwards for my outburst. We laughed after, but in the moment I refused to be dictated to. It wasn't a shouting or screaming match, but I had firmly stated my position and refused to compromise. No means no!

I needed some exercise: it helped with calming my mind and burned off some of my frustrations. It kept me flexible and toned. I really wanted to wear my ballet clothes to practise some stretching, but I compromised with gym leggings and a t shirt. I sat on the lounge floor feeling my body relax. The tension eased. I felt better. I was stronger. I cooked a meal for William, something I had intended on my first night home, but had been interrupted.

*

Three days after the accident I called my family to my apartment. Mum, Dad, Isabelle, Phyllis and William. We had drinks and were congregated in the lounge. I was dressed in black satin lingerie and a black satin dress that William had bought me as a gift. I took a group selfie. Phyllis took more with me in various combinations with everyone. I wanted to ensure the pictures were taken when everyone was happy. It was time for me to share my history with them. I wanted to be honest, but knew I would need to abridge certain details. Everyone was seated except me. I needed to move as I talked. It was a coping mechanism I had discovered after my escape.

"You have all asked what happened to me since I left home. This will not be easy. Not for me to say, or for you to hear. I'm sure you will have questions, but I need your patience. There will be some things too hard for me to explain. This next part is so very important- I am not blaming any of you for what happened. I accept that I am ultimately responsible."

"Tell us what you need to tell us. If it helps for you to talk we will listen," offered my Mum.

There were nods and affirmations.

"I changed from Adrian to Adrianna, but people often abbreviated it to Anna. In those early days I liked it, but now I can't bear to hear it. This is will sound strange, but I'm going to tell the story as if it happened to someone else. Her name was Anna. Mum Phyllis knows most of this story."

William was playing with his beard: his tell that he was anxious. He was probably reliving that moment when he had called me Anna and I snapped at him. Phyllis sat with her fingers interlinked on her lap preparing herself for what was to come. My Mum and Dad held hands. Isabelle rotated a ring on her right hand round and round. I sometimes think I'm a bit crazy: the things I observe, I remember and can recall. Perhaps it's how my brain needs to work?

"Anna travelled to Sheffield to start a new life. Once there she prepared to live as the woman she wanted to be. She stayed at a hotel for the first week. Her job was good and was nicely paid. She found a very small flat close to work. At first he didn't know anyone, but quickly made friends: some through work, others at the gym where she began to learn martial arts. She made friends with the postman, the lady at the coffee shop, the man that made her sandwich at lunch time. Her confidence slowly grew. She ventured into the city for the nightlife. Her little circle grew. She was invited to drinks, to group dinners and birthday parties. Her single regret everyday was that she did this without her family."

I raised my hand to forestall what Dad was about to say. I smiled at him. He nodded and allowed me to continue.

"After a month, Anna was the independent woman she wanted to be. She had a nice feminine wardrobe, a selection of shoes: she was happy. Her job was interesting and fulfilling. She was accepted. She had a few dates, nothing serious, they were kind men, but she didn't spark with any of them. She liked to dress nicely. She liked her feminine pronouns.

After some months she was introduced to Mike at a friend's party. They talked. They flirted. They connected. He asked her out on a date. She was flattered, but so afraid of his judgement. She revealed her dark secret. He was surprised. He asked a lot of questions. She answered them all honestly. He accepted her and still wanted the date. They met for dinner. She wore her best dress with new shoes. He was charming and intelligent, but definitely the dominant in the relationship. They met for drinks and more dinners. They went dancing. He made her laugh. Two weeks later he asked her to move in to his house. Things were moving quickly, but Anna was spell bound."

I took a breath.

"Anna moved in with Mike. Shortly after, she had sex for the first time. Mike preferred her in skirts and dresses: she was happy to wear them. She bought new lingerie which Mike appreciated. She enjoyed cooking. She was soon performing the role of a housewife in addition to working full time. Her life was happy. Mike revealed that he was into BDSM, he was a dominant. He told Anna that she had submissive traits. He would teach her to be the perfect submissive: to be his perfect girl. It sounded thrilling. She wanted to explore this side of her character. She was willing to learn. She was willing to surrender to him. He took advantage of her naivety, her innocence, her lack of worldly experience. After a few months small changes began. He would decide what she would wear. She was only permitted to wear stockings no more tights. At first it was sexy. She felt wanted. She felt attractive. Higher heeled shoes became the norm, then shorter skirts. He demanded sex daily and more at weekends. His needs soon became paramount. She just had to obey. It was easy. He never asked her opinion: he decided. Her desires, her opinions, her choices were no longer a factor."

I was pacing slowly now conscious of everyone watching me.

"After a year she was no longer allowed out to see friends, unless it was with his friends. She was expected to be their servant when they came to visit. Mike was jealous if she spoke to the postman. She was not allowed to go out alone, no more gym, or martial art class. He introduced her to bondage. He cuffed and collared her. It was exciting. He tied her up, gagged her, introducing a blindfold, slowly making her dependant on him for everything. I have learned since that a good dominant ensures the wellbeing of the submissive they are responsible for. Regrettably Mike didn't care about that."

Phyllis was scowling now- I could almost feel the fury emanating from her. She was a beacon of contained rage: a supernova in the making.

"He made her give up her friends, she was ordered to quit her job so she could look after the house. She did as she was told. She could then focus on performing her many chores. Her day was making his breakfast, laundry, cleaning, house work, more cooking and pleasing him each evening. He added padlocks to her cuffs telling her it would make her a better slave. She thought she wanted this. He would feed her, give her water to drink, tell her she was a good slave girl. She had no-one to talk to except Mike. She was isolated. He told her every day that he loved her. In reflection she didn't think he ever did. Six months passed and she submitted to almost everything. If she made a mistake she had to apologise and beg forgiveness."

My Dad's face was flushed in anger, my Mum was crying, but I had to continue. I couldn't look at William.

"He introduced punishments for her failures. He became increasingly violent. He beat her. There remained a spark of resistance, but it was being eroded a little each day. Then one night he invited friends to his house. He took offence at something. He tore her red dress exposing her beautiful satin and lace lingerie to the other men. He taunted her for her weakness. They called her many unkind names. They laughed at the boy in the dress."

I called on my angel to give me strength.

"He declared he wanted to break her spirit, for her to do what he said no matter what. She protested and fought back. He hit her. He added more chains to her restraints. He dragged her to the basement to give her chance to think things through. She was abandoned in the dark. No food or water. She didn't know how long she was there. She imagined that there was a small light for company. Alone, she had time to think, to reflect on her choices, and to ask herself the tough questions. She talked to the imaginary light: her only friend in the world. Why had she been so stupid? So blind? Why had she let this happen? She was probably hallucinating."

I couldn't look at them as I knew I would never tell them the rest.

"He returned to the basement with a knife. He demanded total submission. She refused. He was angry and made threats. She was enraged. She lost control. There was a fight. She stabbed him. She escaped the house. Much of what happened in those few minutes she wouldn't recall. She was outside. Neighbours came to her rescue. She was naked, afraid, injured, dehydrated, malnourished, sleep deprived, traumatised, but also resolute. It took a short while to fix her body, longer for her spirit. A kind policeman from that night brought her flowers: he was just one of many kind people that helped her. He gave her hope that not all men were bad. When she was released from the hospital she met with a lady that worked with the police. She was sent to a shelter. No charges were brought against her- the police decided it was self-defence."

"Damn right!" barked my sister.

"She was sent to Cambridge. She met Phyllis. Phyllis was there for me when the nightmares came. She held my hand. She wiped my tears when I fought the demons. She became my second mum. She wasn't a replacement, but she was more than just a friend. I couldn't go home: I was so ashamed. I was very nearly broken. I made so many bad decisions. Mum Phyllis gave me a stern talking to. I needed it. I went to trauma counselling. It was time to make new changes. I needed clothes. The clothes from the house in Sheffield were all tainted. I bought new clothes with help from a charity. Phyllis offered me a job, a safe place to stay, a future. The police forwarded me my wallet. With that I could access my bank account. I applied for a duplicate birth certificate. I changed my name. I was legally Adrianna. I attended more advanced self-defence classes. I would never be weak again. I studied more martial arts on-line. They taught me how to control my anger. I needed to find peace with myself. Slowly my confidence returned. I returned to the work place, Phyllis is my boss, my friend, my mum. I have made new friends. I was okay, but I think the events slowly intruded into my dreams. I needed time alone to quieten the voices- to find peace. I asked for a leave of absence planning on several weeks away. I hid away on an island. I was alone. A great storm hit my sanctuary and I relished its power, its beauty. I watched the lightning and the storm. I listened to the thunder and the hail on the roof. For five days I was alone. I had several days without power. I still had the dark dreams, the memory of demons, but I enjoyed the isolation and solitude. Then everything changed. A strange man knocked on my door. He was cold and wet. He needed my help. He became my friend."

William stood, he took my hand, he kissed it much the same as he had that first day together on the island. I could see his lip trembling. I hugged him and heard him sob. I felt other bodies crowd around me. I bathed in the love as my family embraced me. I felt soft hands hold my hands, a kiss against my hair. I could hear crying, but it wasn't me. After a few minutes everyone stepped back, giving me some space. My Mum seemed the most upset by the story, I hugged her again.

"I'm better now!" I told her wiping her eyes.

My Dad for once was lost for words: he didn't seem to know what to do or what to say. He walked into the kitchen alone. I hugged my sister.

"Did they lock him away for what he did to you?" she asked.

"No, he disappeared shortly afterwards. The police think he went to France."

She used a series of expletives I had never heard her say before. I hadn't realised how protective of me my sister was. She was incandescent with wrath. I couldn't disagree and nodded. I pray that Phyllis and Isabella never catch up with him. I found my Dad in the kitchen. He had filled the kettle with water. It was starting a little song as it warmed. I stood facing him, there was a short gap between us, but for me at that moment it felt like a vast chasm.

"Dad, I'm sorry."

"Me too," he said trying to smile, but his hands were in tight fists.

"I am so sorry. It's a lot to absorb. I feel great anger at this moment. Not at you. I can't believe he hurt my little girl. So angry!" he growled.

I watched a tear as it ran down his face.

"I know you don't blame me, but I have so many regrets. I am angry with myself. Our argument that forced you to move away was the beginning. I can't help, but think what if? I needed to know what happened, but now I feel... helpless."

"I didn't tell you to make you feel bad. I told you so you would understand me a little more. We can't change the past, but we can make the future together. A wise friend told me, that to appreciate the light, you have to experience the dark," I said.

He took my hand and embraced me. I felt his strong arms around me.

"You realise, you called me your little girl?" I asked as he held me.

"I did? Well... you are my youngest child. You are smaller than me. You are so feminine. You are Adrianna! Yes, my little girl!" he said softly.

He hugged me until the kettle boiled. I think it was his way of dealing with his thoughts and emotions. I was just happy to have my Dad back in my life.

"If you need to talk some more, I will be here for you. As you say we cannot undo the past, but I will try to be a better father for you. Your heart and spirit are so very strong, Adrianna. What you have endured, I think would have broken most people."

Everyone stayed for dinner. I had made Shepherd's pie. William was introspective, almost withdrawn. My family were returning home the next day. I promised to meet them before they went. I promised I would visit soon. We would have video calls until then. It felt like a hundred voices at times in my small apartment. Finally I was alone with William. I was emotionally exhausted, but at peace.

"William, a penny for your thoughts?" I asked worried by his silence.

"Are we going to fast? Am I going too fast? Am I domineering?"

"What? No! No way! If this is where I think you are going- I am going to set you straight right now William, you are nothing like Mike!" I said firmly.

"I don't want you to think I only want you for sex?"

"I know that. You think I'm in a relationship with you just on the rebound?" I asked gently.

"The thought had crossed my mind. I think I'm the first person since your escape that has shown you kindness. I'm wondering if my admission of my feelings on the island has influenced your decisions."

"Well, yes they did, and they do, but I, Adrianna, make my own decisions. I choose to love my gentle William. I have been on dates since my escape, but there was no spark. With you there is. Yes, you are the first man I have kissed since my escape. I have no regrets."

"Noted: feisty, independent, Adrianna," he offered softly.

"Don't you forget it! I think the past few days demonstrate that. You have been so gentle and attentive. You are very important to me. I love you. I don't use those words lightly. For the record you declared your love for me first! To be fair it was me that demanded sex," I said with a laugh.

"I really appreciate you sharing your past. I feel humbled by your trust. I have to tell you, I wanted to stand: to hold you several times while you were talking. I am in awe at your strength. I understand a little more, but I will never know what you have endured. I think you needed to verbalise what happened."

"Yes, I think I am finally free. You have been part of that. Perhaps the universe sent you to me."

"I thank the universe."

We hugged for a long time: comfortable just to hold each other in silence. I led William to my bedroom. William spooned me gently, we slept peacefully. I think we provided a level of gentle comfort to each other. Maybe the universe was right, maybe we were made for each other?

*

The next day the police visited. The car that had hit me had been involved in a high speed pursuit. It had crashed at speed into a concrete bridge support while running from the police. It had then caught fire. The registered owner of the vehicle was none other than Mike. Based on the history they were taking it very seriously. They were waiting medical reports to verify the identity of the driver. They would keep me informed. Perhaps it was finally over? Perhaps the demons would be permanently silent.

*

I spent time with the family. I had long talks with them individually and as a group before they returned home. William accepted that he was part of my family now. We talked a lot, we cuddled more. I liked how he held my hand. Phyllis, my protective dragon came for dinner. She hugged William. There is a bond there too, but neither will talk about it. William reluctantly returned to work and packed his things. He promised we would talk each day. I asked him to visit once the assignment was complete.

*

Another week passed. I had bought new shoes to replace the ones damaged in the accident. I returned to work wearing my blouse and skirt combinations. Phyllis was happy to see me. Sometimes she can appear quite guarded and stern, but my first day back she was smiling and hugged me in the middle of the office. My other work colleagues especially Eleanor were pleased to see me. We had lunch together each day and I slowly shared my island adventure with her. She wanted to meet William. I invited her to dinner. She liked him.

A policewoman called to see me at work. Phyllis and Eleanor were with me when I received the news. She informed me that they had made a positive identification. Dental records were a match. Apparently Mike also had a titanium plate in his leg from a motorcycle accident in his youth. It was over: I had closure.

William was away on his assignment somewhere in Wales. I had video call with him that evening, like every night before I retired to sleep. I shared the news. I told him my bed felt too big for me while he was away. We laughed together.