Izzy's Revenge

I'm almost sure nobody will believe my story, but I'm going to write it down anyway because it's all true. It started out on a mostly deserted piece of land in the middle of nowhere. In the spirit of being totally honest, there were a few cows wandering around, but I figure they didn't count. As I think about it, my story actually started about six months ago, when my wife, Cindy, got a new boss, Alex Goodwin. My name is Don Perkins, and I was one of those clueless husbands. I was raised in a loving family where my mother and father loved and cherished each other. I just assumed that I would have the same kind of marriage. I was crazy about my wife and thought she was crazy about me. Well, at least half of what I believed was correct. My wife set me straight, on which half was wrong.

"Don," she said over the phone, "I know I'm being a coward by not facing you, but I've fallen in love with Alex. I'm going to be staying with him from now on. I'll send for my things in a few days." Then she hung up.

I met Cindy in college when she was going for a two-year degree to become a paralegal. I was taking a four-year course in Business Administration with a minor in construction. We dated a few times, but our schedules were such that it didn't work. Then Cindy graduated and was gone. After graduation, I started a small construction company. Over seven years, I built it up to where it was netting me about three hundred thousand dollars a year. Cindy and I got married four years ago. And up until tonight, I thought we were happy. Talk about clueless. If you look up clueless in the dictionary, you'll find my picture there.

Cindy had that all-American look, and she could make you believe you were the most important person in the world. I thought we were really happy together. We had even been talking about having kids. Of course, I didn't know that Cindy was on the pill and had no intention of getting pregnant ever. The other thing I didn't realize was that Cindy was a gold digger and a size queen. Making about three hundred thousand dollars a year allowed us to live quite well. Still, Cindy was always looking to trade up. And apparently, she found that in Alex Goodwin, who was a partner in the largest law firm in four counties. Apparently, he had a larger penis than me. I don't know for sure; I've never measured it.

Devastated, I did what any red-blooded American who just had his heart ripped out would do. I grabbed a bottle of vodka, a nine-millimeter pistol, and headed out to the middle of nowhere. Oh, don't misunderstand, I loved Cindy with all my heart, but I had no intention of killing myself. So, why did I bring the gun? Fair question. You see, in my addled brain, I thought I'd call up Cindy and tell her I was devastated by her leaving me and then fire the gun off next to the phone. I thought it would scare the shit out of her, and that seemed funny to me. Unfortunately, where I finally parked, there was no cell service. That about summed up my day.

Anyway, I was just sitting there when I saw two red lights in the sky. At first, I thought they were just planes flying overhead. But then they got closer and closer. Suddenly, I realized that these were two fireballs. They finally crashed into the far end of the field across the road from me. The subsequent explosion actually lifted the front end of the car off the ground a couple of feet.

What happened next is kind of blurry because of all the vodka I'd consumed. Ahh, the vodka, that was another half-baked plan of mine. I intended to get stinking drunk and throw up in the car. It was Cindy's, so I figured she could live with the smell. It's really hard to get the smell of puke out of an automobile, but I never got to do that.

As I said, it's all kind of blurry. But what I do remember is staggering out of the car and stumbling across the road. As I got closer, it seems that two people were crawling out of the two holes created by the impacts. One appeared to be naked, and the other was wearing what looked like a hazmat suit.

The person in the Hazmat suit, I think, fired something at me. I do remember a small explosion erupting about five yards to the left of me. The explosion startled me and pissed me off because it shattered my vodka bottle. I probably should have been more afraid, but alcohol does that to you. Anyway, I fired two rounds from the pistol at the hazmat suit. I must have hit something because it flared up into brilliant light and then was gone.

That scared the shit out of me because I thought I had killed somebody. Okay, I admit my first impulse was to run like hell. But when I got to the car, I began thinking about the naked person. I couldn't just leave them there. And as it would turn out, I'm super glad I didn't.

When I got back to the naked person, he appeared to be badly burned. I was pretty sure that it was a burned dude. I mean, he didn't seem to have any hair. There were no lips, and he only had half a nose. He looked to be in rough shape as his skin looked red and raw. However, he did have what looked like a tiny dick. Anyway, I had to get him to a hospital. Then I was going to run like hell. With any luck, no one would know who I was.

When I got to him, he was screaming gibberish. And when I tried to help him up, he pushed my hand aside. Then he put his forefinger on my forehead. For a few seconds, I got dizzy, and I know you're going to think I'm crazy, but it felt like my brain was itching like crazy. Sometimes, it still itches.

In mid-gibberish, he began to speak English. ". . . motherfucking cousin tried to finish me. He couldn't just let me serve my banishment."

I was stunned, and all I could think to say was, "So, your cousin tried to kill you?"

It was then that he seemed to notice me. "Who the fuck are you?"

"My name is Don Perkins, and I'm going get you to a hospital."

"I don't want to go to any fucking hospital," he said forcefully. "What the fuck is a hospital?"

I assumed that the crash had scrambled this guy's brains, so I decided to play along. "A hospital is where they take care of people who are sick or have been injured. You've been injured, so I'm taking you to a hospital."

"I'm fine," he insisted as he stood up. "Take me to your dwelling."

As he stood, I was shocked to see that his head now had short blonde hair. His face looked totally fine, and even his nose looked normal. Also, his dick was a lot longer. I wondered if he was getting a hardon. I figured it had to be the vodka, or I was losing my mind.

He started to walk away and then looked back. "You coming, asshole?"

I would have just taken off and left this jerk in the field, but he had seen my face. And I was concerned that there would be an investigation into the death of the other fellow. So, I decided to take him with me until I could figure out what he intended to do. I don't know what I was thinking. There was no way I would kill him if he wanted to go to the police. No matter how I analyzed my situation, it seemed that I was royally fucked no matter what I did.

Somehow, I got us back to my house without getting stopped. And once I got him settled in the kitchen, I hunted up a pair of pants and a sweatshirt for him to wear. Then I made a pot of coffee. Then for the next hour, this man told me the most incredible story. I started out only half-listening because I was more concerned with my problem -- that of being a murderer. But as his story began to unfold, I had no choice but to pay attention.

My visitor, who I was convinced was insane, claimed that he had been exiled to this world. He came from a planet six hundred and forty-seven thousand light-years from here. According to him, on his world, the beings were energy-based. He explained; he had lost a power struggle with his cousin and was exiled to this planet. This meant that he had to take the physical form of the species that inhabited this world.

I kept a firm grip on my pistol because I figured this guy could be dangerous. But that all changed when I challenged him. I figured he was full of crap and possibly an escapee from some asylum.

"That's all very interesting," I finally interrupted. "But I think it's time for you to move on. Where can I take you?"

He looked at me with annoyance and then sighed. "Don't be a chicken shit. Why don't you just come out and say it? It's obvious that a dick brain like you doesn't believe me. What can I do to convince you?"

"That's okay," I said, standing up, taking a firmer grip on the pistol. "Just tell me where you want me to drop you off."

The next thing I knew, I was pressed against the ceiling. Then my guest floated up a chair and moved me into it. I was now sitting on a chair in midair in my kitchen. I had just had my Sunday come to Jesus moment; I was prepared to believe anything he told me.

When he was satisfied that I was sufficiently convinced, he floated me back to the floor. I just sat there staring at him while he smirked. Then his stomached growled, which caused him to jump to his feet and exclaim, "This fucking body is defective."

"No, it's not," I said with a laugh. "You're probably just hungry. I'll fix you something to eat."

"Eat?" the man seemed confused for a second, and then his eyes lit up. "Yes, of course. Your species needs to consume nourishment throughout the day. What a fucking waste of time."

I made some bacon and scrambled some eggs for him. However, it was the cup of coffee that seemed to totally thrill him. I warned him that it was hot and to be careful, but he gulped it down anyway. Then his eyes went wide, and I was sure he had scorched his throat. But that wasn't it. Turns out that it was the caffeine in the coffee that had stimulated the pleasure portion of his brain. After that, he wasn't interested in the food; he just wanted more coffee. After consuming a pot of coffee, he wasn't getting the same stimulation, so he decided to eat what I had prepared.

After consuming a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, half a loaf of bread, and another pot of coffee, my "guest" started yawning. However, during the hour he had spent consuming mass quantities, he explained what had landed him in his current situation.

In a rambling dialog, my guest explained that he had lost some kind of power struggle for the leadership of his homeworld to the equivalent of a cousin, but that wasn't quite what the relationship was. After a half-hour of trying to explain to me, I told him to forget it, we'd just consider him as his cousin. And as near as I could understand, these power struggles went on all the time. And losing such a contest meant banishment to a remote part of their planet for a year. However, his cousin had banished him for five years to a primitive planet. And then sent one of his assistants to drain his energy to a level where he wouldn't be able to return home.

When I asked him where he was from and what his name was, he told me I'd never be able to pronounce either. And he was right. However, after a series of whistles, clicks, and gibberish, I heard something that sounded like Izzy" at the end of his name. So, I told him I was going to call him Izzy. He seemed really pleased with that. There was no accounting for what pleased him.

Izzy then explained that he had learned my language by probing my mind. That made me feel better. I wasn't crazy about my brain itching. Anyway, I asked him how it was that he was so ignorant about so many other things? His answer was quite condescending. He said that our brains were so inefficient and chaotic that it was time-consuming and nauseating to seek information that way.

All throughout our talk, his responses were peppered with profanity. That began to wear on my nerves.

"How come you use so much profanity when you're talking?" I finally asked him after he told me for the fifth time that the coffee was "Fucking wonderful."

Izzy looked at me, surprised. "Those words were predominant in your mind. And now that you mention it, who is the "Fucking Bitch" that overpowers everything else in that limited brain of yours."

I spent about five minutes giving Izzy the short version of my wife leaving me for her boss. Apparently, my explanation made no sense to him. I would learn later that his species have no emotions, no sexes, and reproduce asexually. And he calls Earth a primitive planet.

A look of horror and disgust suddenly filled Izzy's face. "Your species still have two sexes, and you couple to reproduce, don't you?"

"What's wrong with that?" I responded.

"By the Wormholes of Gadakamesh, when I get home, I'm going to suck most of the lifeforce out of my cousin and then banish him to a planet of slug worms."

I decided not to inquire further about slug worms. Besides, Izzy was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. So, I suggested that we go to bed.

"I had forgotten that," Izzy said as he shook his head. "Your species spend a third of your pitifully short lives sleeping."

After getting Izzy set up in the spare room, I had trouble getting to sleep, trying to figure out what I was going to do with this wacko guest of mine. I was also still concerned about the demise of his cousin's assistant. But about seven in the morning, after I had finally just gotten to sleep, Izzy came bursting into my room in a panic.

"My body IS defective," he said, shaking me.

"What are you talking about?" I responded groggily.

"My fucking cousin had me placed in a defective body," he said as he started pacing around the room.

"How is your body defective," I asked with no attempt to hide my annoyance.

"I'm leaking from the front and losing gases from the rear," he said in almost panic.

I looked down at him, and the front of the pajama pants was soaking wet. At that point, I l burst into hysterical laughter. This did not please Izzy, and when I saw his face go dark red, I stopped.

"You don't have a defective body," I said quickly. "You just peed your pants; that's normal. Well, you're not supposed to pee in your pants, but your body is just expelling waste."

"Waste? Waste? Why am I expelling waste?"

"It's just normal. What the body can use as nourishment, it expels as waste," I tried to explain.

"Unfucking believable!" Izzy screamed. "This planet is even more primitive than I thought."

"Yeah, I get it, we're inferior beings," he was starting to get on my nerves again. "In the future, though, if you feel that you are going to expel more liquid from that thing hanging between your legs, use the toilet. Pee into that, please."

That sent Izzy rushing across the hall to the bathroom. After a minute or so, I heard him peeing into the toilet, and then a roar of laughter.

"That actually felt good," he said when he returned.

"Oh yeah," I decided I best give him the bad news right away to avoid a big mess, "you will also be expelling solid waste as well. Please, be sure to do that in the toilet also."

A look of uncertainty appeared on his face. "Is that going to come out of my mouth? If it does, what does it taste like?"

"No," I shook my head, "it isn't coming out of your mouth, and to save you a very unpleasant experience, don't even think about eating it. It's going to come out of the hole in your rear end."

A look of excitement now filled Izzy's face. "Is that a pleasurable experience?"

I nodded. "Nothing better than sitting on the toilet and taking a good dump in the morning."

With that, Izzy raced back into the bathroom, and I could hear the noises of someone taking a shit. Only Izzy was laughing throughout all of it. At that point, I decided it was in my best interest to instruct him about toilet paper. I didn't want to have to smell him all day. At this point, I wasn't sure about getting him into the shower any time soon.

At breakfast, I learned that Izzy loved Cap'n Crunch and Trix. He ate a box of each. Then Izzy started asking me a bunch of questions about life on Earth. I answered all of his questions until he started asking about Cindy and her boss Alex. Then I became somewhat defensive. This only piqued Izzy's curiosity. Finally, he demanded to meet them both. I refused.

"Why can't I meet them," he complained. "They are obviously causing you great pain. Don't you wish that to stop?"

Now Izzy had my complete attention, and I then was willing to explore the possibility of having a sit down with them. But first, I wanted to know what my extraterrestrial guest was talking about.

"How are you going to stop them from causing me pain?" I asked and then quickly added, "You can't kill them if that's what you're thinking."

"Kill? Who said anything about fucking killing anyone," Izzy said, somewhat aghast. "We are not permitted to knowingly kill another living thing. It is part of our core existence. If one of my kind purposely killed another being, that act would end their own existence."

"What about your cousin's assistant? I killed him. Is that going to cause you problems?"

Izzy snorted. "You didn't kill him; you scared him shitless. He simply dispersed his energy to get away."

"My memory is a little foggy about last night," I said skeptically. "However, I pretty sure I destroyed whoever was chasing you. They seemed to explode after I shot at them. Besides, why did he try to kill me?"

Izzy chuckled. "You couldn't kill one of my kind even if you dropped one of your nuclear bombs on us. We're pure energy. The suit he was wearing was just so he wouldn't have to go through decontamination. He is currently making his way back to our homeworld. However, without his interdimensional craft, he'll have to make his way to the nearest wormhole. It will take four or five of your Earth years for him to get home. And he wasn't trying to kill you. He was just trying to scare you away."

I digested that for a few moments and then turned my attention back to Cindy and Alex. "So again, how are you going to stop them from causing me pain?"

An evil grin crossed Izzy's face. "It depends on what you want to do. I can alter your feelings toward your mate. I can alter her feelings toward you. Or I can alter the feelings of the male who has taken your mate from you."

"Can you really do that?" I asked as it seemed too good to be true.

"Yes, I can, but I won't do shit to them until I've had a chance to view their minds. I'm not going to fuck them up if they don't deserve it."

Somewhat deflated, I nodded. I had to admit, I was only viewing things from my point of view. Still, Cindy had sworn to be faithful to me and had broken that promise. In my mind, at least, it would be another matter altogether if she had simply come to me and asked for a divorce. But Cindy didn't do that. Instead, she had decided to cheat on me. As for dickhead, Alex, he had taken up with a married woman. Only the lowest form of scum does that.

After explaining my feelings on the subject, I allowed Izzy to view my relationship with my wife directly from my brain. After that, at Izzy's suggestion, I arranged to meet with Cindy and Alex under the guise of working out our separation. I told Izzy that he could pretend to be my attorney. Attorney's were a concept that Izzy didn't understand. When I explained what they were, he took an immediate dislike to them. "They sound like fucking leeches."

"You understand the concept of an attorney perfectly," I said with a smile.

I set up a lunch meeting with Alex and Cindy. Then I took Izzy shopping for some new clothes. He insisted on driving to the stores, which I objected to strenuously. However, he was most insistent and informed me that he mastered all forms of interdimensional travel. To him, driving an Earth car would be child's play. But after backing over my rose bushes and knocking my mailbox down, he let me drive.

The idea of paying for things before walking out of the store, Izzy did not grasp. It took a bit of coaxing, and about three hundred dollars of credit card purchases for crap Izzy wanted before I was able to get him outfitted.