Jacob's Ladder

Her face saddened. I quickly added, "But Evie is dead and she was always the practical one, so I am sure that she would want me to explore this." Kate's beautiful face lit up with pure joy.

I added, "I hope that you understand that we would start out as total strangers. We have to get to know each other. Everything I am, happened after we parted. I'm sure that's true for you, too. We might end up hating each other, or maybe we'll recapture the magic. Either way, we're starting from square one."

I didn't add, "And I don't care how it turns out."

It might seem disingenuous to approach rebuilding a relationship with an "I don't give a shit," attitude, but that was precisely how I felt. I didn't ask Kate to reappear in my life, but this "miraculous" event DID need to be explored, at least to put any lingering doubts to rest.

Kate was smart. She knew that my offer was the best I could do. She said calmly, "So what are the ground-rules?"

I said, "I'm happy here in the tropics. This might be the deal-breaker, but I have no desire to move back to the States."

She looked like the idea of eternal summer delighted her. She said, "I own a big house in Bryn Mawr, but the housekeeper can look after it." I smiled at the image of shy Kate as lady of a grand manor.

I said, "Where are you staying and for how long?"

She said matter of fact, "I'm staying at the Ritz-Carlton, and I'll be there for however long it takes. I can afford it" This person wasn't Kate. This woman was rich, sophisticated and socially adept; garnished with her exceptional skills as a doctor. Of course, so was I, in my own way. Maybe we WOULD make something out of this crazy situation.

I was conflicted. High school sweethearts only reunite in fairy tales. Kate would never replace Evie in my heart, but there was a lot of middle ground between monastic life and spiritual soul-mate, so I decided to see where on that scale we might land.

As far as I was concerned, Kate was the only like-minded person left on earth, and I suppose you never forget your first real love; even though I had been totally devoted to Evie. I missed the companionship of a woman. It wasn't the sex. Charlotte Amalie is a seat of government and a popular tourist destination. A lot of accomplished professional beauties practice down there.

Still, I craved the easy-going, day-to-day ritual of having a woman partner. Evie and I had built a fortress of happy intimacy, which kept the outside world at bay. I had something like that, on a much lesser scale, growing up with Kate. I didn't expect to establish more than that sort of live-in friendship, but that would be sufficient. I really didn't want to die alone.

Evie was the sticking point. I presumed that she would want me to do this, but I didn't know for sure, and I was simply not going to move any closer to Kate without being certain that I was honoring Evie's memory.

Evie had been inexplicably loyal to me. She could have had any man in DC, but she chose me, and she clung to me with a ferocity that only a woman with Evie's profound strength of character could muster. So, I wanted a sign. It didn't have to be trumpets and angels, but I needed to know that I was doing the right thing by my lost love. I'm stupidly sentimental that way.

In my mind, there were three possible outcomes. We could immediately go our separate ways. Or, we could try to capture the old magic and find out that there were no fairy-tale endings. Or, we could establish something like we had forty years ago. Apart from option one, and option one was just fine with me, it wasn't going to happen overnight. I had all the power, for a change.

Kate might have hoped to stay with me on the boat. I had a huge sleeping cabin by cruiser standards. But, I wasn't going to have any woman in it until I got my concerns about Evie's ever-present, ghost ironed-out. It was the middle of the day. I was drenched in sweat and I had already had a couple of beers. Kate was looking expectant.

I said reasonably, "Let me grab a shower and I'll meet you at Bleuwater in a couple of hours." Bleuwater is the upscale restaurant at the Ritz. Kate looked disappointed. I think she hoped I would drag her down to the stateroom and ravish her. We obviously had different expectations. But, she had never experienced a great love.

She said tentatively, "I can wait for you while you do that."

I said, "No, if we are starting from scratch we need to start it out with a romantic first date. You aren't an eighteen-year-old high school girl. You're an accomplished woman now. If I'm going to love you I'm going to have to get know you, because right now, you're a total stranger."

Kate's smart. She got it right away. I was going to treat her proposition seriously. If I didn't give a shit about her, I would have fucked her and then blown her off. But if I really wanted to establish something, there was going to have to be an exploration process.

She gave me a sexy look and said, "Well then, I'll make it worth your while, sailor."

I helped her off the boat. You need sea legs to gracefully disembark from a big sailboat. She disappeared up the dock. I stood and watched her as she walked away. She always had an exceptionally sweet body, slim, long waisted and a beautiful round ass. She had lost none of that in the intervening forty years.

I felt something that I thought I would never experience again in this life. I said to Buster, "This might work after-all, old pal." He looked at me wordlessly from the spot where he was carefully grooming his unmentionables.

I was sitting in Bleuwater's window niche two hours later, the one that directly overlooks the harbor. I was wearing a custom tailored Irish linen suite and an open necked St. Laurent shirt. I was sipping from the bottle of Louis Jadot Pommard, which I had just ordered. Thanks to Evie, I had come a long way from my beer and oyster days.

It was sunset and the sky to my right was a brilliant gold and purple. The harbor lights were like a necklace of pearls around the blackness of the water. The shrimpers were still coming in with their bright red and green running lights. That added to the spectacular array of colors. The breeze blowing in through the open French doors was silken with its exotic tropical splendor.

Then Kate appeared. She had gotten a lot more sensual as she had gotten older, and she had gone all out. Of course, she was gorgeous.

My first thought was of the skinny little girl who had been my only friend and companion, growing up. Kate had developed into a stunning teenage beauty, but the woman approaching me had refined that into a true belle-femme-du-monde.

She was poised and graceful in a figure hugging tropical di Chiara dress. The premium Jersey knit covered her from neck to knees. Her huge breasts, tiny waist and lush womanly hips were tastefully displayed; not too tight, but tight enough for me to understand that this Kate wasn't a coltish teenage beauty anymore. She was a full-on erection inducing seductress.

I rose and pulled out her chair. She sat down opposite. She had one of those secret smiles; the kind that women get when they know they've knocked the socks off some poor male. It DID seem like the years had melted away. She was as witty and intelligent as ever, but there was a melancholy behind it all.

We ordered, and then I took her hands across the table and said, "You're not happy Kate. You can tell your old friend why."

She said, "I'm almost sixty and I feel like I've wasted my life." I must have looked astounded. She continued with, "It was so fresh and hopeful back then."

I knew what she meant. I said, "We traded our innocence for a lifetime of wisdom and accomplishment. There was happiness and pain in abundance. And frankly, I wouldn't change anything even if I could."

She said solemnly, "I WOULD. I spent forty years alone, all because I didn't understand the consequences of my own weaknesses. There were hundreds of times throughout my twenties, when I wanted to beg your forgiveness, offer you anything to get you back in my life. And I believe that you would have come, too, at least until you met Evie."

She sighed as she said, "But instead, I just drifted, afraid to humiliate myself." She got tears in her eyes as she said, "Because of my foolish pride and indecision, I lived forty empty years without the one person I was meant to be with."

We were at a place where we could look back and see the metaphorical fork in the road. That fork had dictated who we were. There was no doubt life would have been different if we had NOT gone our separate ways. If we had stayed together, I would have owned a thriving business in a little Pennsylvania town, not been a millionaire many times over. Kate would have been the town's beloved GP, not a legendary maven of medicine.

Honestly, I knew that my subsequent years would have been as empty as Kate's, except Evie had filled in that emptiness with her sparkling soul. More relevantly, I was enough of a realist to accept that Evie was gone forever and I still had to march or die.

Kate was looking at me, trying to fathom what I was thinking. I said, "In many respects I was as passive as you were. I spent a decade mourning your loss; night and day."

I looked at her kindly, and said, "Then, I got lucky. Evie adopted me. I don't know what she saw in me. She could have had any man in Washington, but she made me the person I am today."

I gave Kate my most sincere look and said, "In that respect, it is important that you understand that I can never be anything but devoted to Evie. Nonetheless, she's gone and you were my childhood companion and my teenage love. Back then, I couldn't imagine any scenario where we were ever apart. So, the fact that we are together again, as unlikely as that might seem, feels like a portent."

I'm as superstitious as a medieval peasant. It's one of my more neurotic quirks. I've always been that way. I've never actually sacrificed a goat to curry celestial favor, but all my important life decisions are influenced by small things, seemingly auspicious events that occurred when I felt like I needed guidance.

I saw each happening as a sign. Kate's decision to re-insert herself in my life seemed like one of those portents. The question was whether it was a good sign, or a bad one. We finished dinner and we walked out onto the terrace for a nightcap. Kate's eyes were glowing with affection. I don't think mine were any different.

If you share a deep love with a person, the feeling never goes away. That is, if your love is true. It was clear that my feelings for Kate were as steadfast as they had always been. Forty years of life told me I was correct. It was like the years had melted away and it was just Kate and me sitting on that blanket on the hill. I said, "Thank you for the evening, Kate. This has been wonderful."

I could see that she was expectant. So, I hastily added, "I want to be honest with you. In fact, we should be brutally honest with each other, if we are going to make this work."

I looked at her tenderly, and said, "We could easily finish the evening in bed. I have no doubt that I have the same loving feelings for you that I had when we were kids, but we are not the same people, total strangers as-it-were. I want to get to know you again before we take it to the next level."

Her body language said that she was crushed, but her eyes revealed her understanding. I took that as a positive indication. Kate is an intelligent and practical woman. She knew better than to try to force intimacy. That could only happen in time.

I offered her my hand and she took it. We walked hand in hand to the elevator. We kissed for the first time in forty years. It was a sweet sensual promise of many things to come. The doors closed and I went back to the boat.

I had a lot of thinking to do. In some respects, I was still as much in love with Kate as I'd been the day she left for school. I was also certain that our fundamental compatibility would lead us into a contented, secure and joyful old age, but unfortunately, there was the specter of Evie.

I had loved Evie so profoundly, that I knew I would have to make peace with her lingering soul. I think best when I'm at sea. The endless ocean and the infinite panoply of stars on the black velvet of the cosmos is as close as I ever get to a religious experience. So, I unhooked, and motored out through the West Gregerie channel into the open Caribbean.

It was almost ten o'clock and I was set on a leisurely course west-southwest. I got the sail up and locked the self-steering mechanism on 250 degrees. I went down into the cabin and got out the bottle of Valdespino, Pre-1962 Cuban Rum. I was saving it for when I needed inspiration. There was never a better time.

Tonight, I was going to wrestle with the question of what next? Buster was sitting at my feet panting, as I poured three fingers of $500-a-bottle rum into a jelly glass. It was smooth as silk. The only sound was the murmuring of the sea as it rushed past the hull and the occasional snap of the stays overhead. I savored an inimitable view of the stars. It was breathtaking.

The question under debate tonight was simple: Was I justified in moving on from Evie? I had not kissed another woman, except as a commercial transaction, since Evie's death. That was almost a decade ago.

I knew that Kate and I would have a bond almost as intense. But, I am both a sentimental fool as well as a superstitious idiot. I wanted some indication that what I was doing was the right thing, anything that would release me from the binding chains of the commitment that I had made to my eternal love.

I sailed and I drank. It was nearing 3 AM. I had gone perhaps thirty miles, so I was fifty miles southeast of the Isla De Culebra, still oriented south-southwest toward Vieques.

The sky at night on the open ocean is not like anything a landlubber will ever see. When you are away from the light pollution of civilization, the Milky Way is laid out like a shining pathway across the sky. All the prominent stars glitter with their own special colors. Everything else is silent. You are enfolded in a celestial eternity, and it is easy to understand why humans have always believed in powers greater than themselves.

It was late and I had enough to drink. I had promised Kate that I would meet her for lunch. I regretfully concluded that it was time to start the diesels and head back. Once I got docked, I could sleep it off for part of the morning.

THEN I SAW IT!!!

For a moment, I thought it was Arcturus, but that super-bright star was sitting a little lower on the horizon. Plus, this light was the brightest object in the sky. The phenomenon burnt with an intense blue glow. It held perfectly stationary, so it wasn't an aircraft. It just hovered there on the southwestern horizon like a beacon. The blue was the exact shade of Evie's sapphire eyes.

As I stared at it, it began to pulse. I felt loved and reassured. I could almost hear her voice saying, "Let me go, baby. I'm gone now. You need to be happy."

I was rocketed back to the night she had left me. The sense of loss was overwhelming. I began to cry; huge heartbroken sobs. I just let the boat drift. If I wandered into a shipping lane, then so be it. I would have the joy of being with Evie sooner-than-later. I crawled down to my bunk and cried myself to sleep.

The tropical dawn shining through the deck prisms woke me. The ever-present sense of misery was gone. For the first time in a decade, I had hope and a sense of future. It was a true miracle.

All the way back to Charlotte Amalie I thought about the mysterious light. The Navy still has a training presence around Vieques. And when you are at sea you can see for miles, especially if it's as calm as it was last night. Hence, I had probably just stumbled onto a night anti-submarine exercise. Or, they might have been testig a blue laser. That was the rational explanation, but as I said, I'm not logical; especially when it comes to omens, so I had another interpretation.

I was looking for guidance. As always, Evie provided it. I had asked for an answer and she had released me. Now, I was ready to fully commit to a relationship with Kate.

Living in close quarters on a boat, even if it's a luxury yacht, will tell you all you need to know about your fundamental compatibility. So, I planned to bring Kate on-board as a full-time first mate, and we could rebuild our childhood love.

I had arranged to meet her at the Gran Palazzo Club, which is on the Ritz property, so I cruised around to Great Bay. It took me almost five hours. I dropped anchor and motored in. I beached the launch and walked up to the veranda.

Of course, Kate was late. I had a romantic memory. She couldn't decide what to wear! It was like old times.

She finally appeared on the veranda looking gorgeous. I had always been struck by her beauty, even when we were little kids. My appreciation was clearly aesthetic back then. But, anyone could see that Kate had perfectly proportioned features on her snotty-nosed little face.

Then she grew that outrageous body, and all the attention shifted south of her cute little pointed chin. Guys also mature. But, their maturation is nowhere near as striking as the girl who goes away for a summer and comes back the next year totally stacked. I vividly recalled the difficulty Kate had adjusting to her new appendages. And of course, they practically set off riots among the boys.

Evie had a beautiful athletic body, but it was her incredible face and larger-than-life personality that made her the force of nature that she was. Kate's sex appeal came from her sheer voluptuousness. She was four inches shorter than Evie, at five three, but she had huge heavy breasts and a long-waisted figure.

Oddly enough, with all that bounty, Kate's legs were her best feature. Proportionally, her thighs were a little longer than average and it gave her that leggy appearance that all fashion models covet. She was never a dancer. Still. her legs were muscled like one of those tiny gymnasts.

The combination of huge tits and fantastic legs in a tasteful Herve Leger sleeveless dress had every man on the Terrace leering. She sat down opposite me, as fresh and cheerful as ever. Then she looked at me. We have always been very attuned to each other. She saw the change.

She said nervously, "Something happened last night after you left me?"

I said, "I can't explain it, but Evie released me. I went for a sail to think about what we ought to do and I saw something out there that I took as a sign."

Kate was a doctor and a scientist. I saw on her face what she thought about omens, but instead she said, "Annnnnnd, what did this sign tell you?"

I said, "You probably don't remember the conversation we had the night we first made love."

She interrupted with, "Of course I do!! Every word of it. That was when I made the decision to give myself to you. You saw how capable I was of enforcing that commitment. But my mind never changed. That's why I'm sitting here, hoping that we can get back some of what we had."

I smiled at her fondly and said, "That night, I told you that I wanted to die in your arms. I never forgot that; even when I was with Evie. Now that you are back in my life, it's as if things have come full circle."

Kate's smile was radiant. I gave her a loving look, and said, "Nonetheless, I was conflicted. My tiny little heart only has room for one woman, and that was Evie's exclusive domain for twenty-three years. So, even though I knew I'd never see Evie again, I felt like it would be cheating if I tried to start something with you."

Kate went from radiant to miserable, so I hastily added, "Last night I had an epiphany. It's one of those sixth-sense things that a person gets when their life is about to change. It doesn't matter what It was and you would probably think I was nuts if I told you, but I felt like Evie absolved me of my impossible commitment to her. Now I know I'm on the right path."