James's Story - (My Life My Lover)

"Sorry, I got drunk."

"Drunk? You don't drink! Are you ok James?"

"Yes, yes, I am fine considering."

"Considering?"

"Sorry, don't pay me any mind, I am just feeling sorry for myself on my own while you are doing.....who knows."

"James are you ok? Do you want me to come home?"

"No, have fun, I'll ring you later when I feel a bit more awake and my head has settled down ok, I love you."

"Me too."

ME TOO!! She couldn't even say "I love you"

I rushed to the toilet and brought my guts up. My head was pounding, my stomach was in knots, my imagination was telling me she was on her back between his legs right now, I vomited again. I had another whole day and night to go through. I could not face anymore alcohol. My phone beeped.

"Are you ok James, please tell me you ok with me being here?"

I saw I had 8 text messages and 3 voicemails I had missed last night, I smiled, payback I thought to myself. I hope she was worried. Then thought she probably didn't have time to worry about me while she was getting fucked. I vomited again.

I decide then that I could not do this, even for a better life and sex. It was not worth this feeling. I texted back.

"I know about him, I know about your older lover if you come home I know you love me, if you don't then I know where I stand."

Within two minutes my phone started ringing, I left it in the bathroom and went to the kitchen. As I poured an orange drink the home line started to ring. The I.D. showed her number, I let it ring. No sooner had it stopped my phone upstairs started again.

The newspapers were sticking through the letterbox and I took them to the lounge. I read them for 10 minutes but to be honest I didn't take in a word of it.

My phone upstairs was constantly beeping, I collected it and took it back down. Sipping my orange I looked through the 9 messages.

"James, answer me."

"James."

"Please James talk to me."

"James answer your fucking phone!"

"James, I love you please talk to me."

I turned it off.

The land line started again I grabbed the phone and screamed "FUCK OFF!" down the line and ripped it from the wall. I made my way back to bed and again must have fallen asleep because I was awakened by my mum shaking me. She had let herself in with her spare key.

"James, what's wrong. Why did you scream at me down the phone?"

Groggily I wiped the sleep from my eyes trying to understand what was going on.

"James, Marie has been ringing me in hysterics, she has been trying to get in touch for the last 4 hours, what the fuck is going on son?"

"S-Sorry mum, let me wake up, go down and put the kettle on, I'll be down in 5 minutes ok."

As I walked into the kitchen mum was talking on her phone, she handed it to me.

"Marie?" I said.

"Yes. Talk to her."

I took the phone and went into the lounge for more privacy.

"James, I am so sorry, I don't know what to say."

She started to cry.

"Are you coming home Marie?"

The phone went silent, I could just make out some whispering.

"Yes."

"We will talk when you get here, leave now Marie, leave right now."

**************************************

"James, what is wrong?"

"Not now mum, thank you for coming but I really need to be alone right now."

"James, just tell me and I will go, let me help."

"Me and Marie are having problems, let me deal with it ok, please mum. I love you but go now."

She held me in her arms like a mum holds her child rocking me slightly back and forth.

"Ok son, ring me later though, you promise?"

"Yes mum, I love you too."

"Whatever it is, Marie is a good person at heart son. She does love you, you know that don't you."

I nodded, as I helped her to the door.

Two hours later a distraught Marie came crashing through the door running to me crying hysterically.

"James, I am so sorry, I didn't want to hurt you I promise this was never about hurting you. I love you."

She clung onto me tightly crying and pleading with me not to leave her. Eventually I pulled her off and sat her at the kitchen table. I calmly poured us both an orange juice and sat opposite her.

"How did you know?" she asked between sobs.

"I knew last month, I saw you both."

"NOOOOOO!" she burst into uncontrollable sobs again. I handed her the box of tissues I had been using.

"Who is he Marie. Do you love him?"

She sobbed into the tissue crying and blowing her nose,

"No, it is nothing like that. He is not like you, I love you James."

"You love me enough to go and open your legs for a stranger!"

"NO, it is not like that I promise!"

"What is it like then Marie! Tell me what the hell is it like? He doesn't fuck you then?"

"James, please. you mean you knew all month and you said nothing, god I am so sorry."

She looked at me through teary eyes as puffy as mine had been, she looked a wreck and I was happy about it. she was shaking and crying as she sat opposite me, I still loved her I could not change how I felt and at that moment I wanted to hold and comfort her but I knew I couldn't. She had to suffer like I had suffered. Sarcastically I said,

"Are you staying?"

She nodded, I stood and went to her car and got her suitcase carrying it upstairs to the bedroom. I opened it to see my favourite black negligee on the top, she had taken it. I sat on the bed holding it to my face smelling her on it and crying into it. Marie appeared at the doorway watching me.

"I am so sorry James, so very, very sorry. You were never supposed to find out. I did not do this to hurt you, the excitement of it got to me. Why the hell did you agree to me going if you knew?"

I looked at her,

"I love you that's why. I want you to be happy even if it costs me my happiness."

She ran to the bed falling at my feet, her head in my lap sobbing hard again. I stroked her hair, the anger in me was all gone. I was so tired, I was completely worn down, this weekend had killed me. I held her and pulled her onto the bed with me, she held me close to her and we fell asleep.

Sunday morning we sat and just talked for hours, I rang my mum to say we needed a bit of space and I'd ring her soon. We went to a local pub for some lunch and talked more, there was no anger or recriminations just explanations and excuses. She said she had just got caught up in the excitement of the affair, she tried not to go back but found it was an irresistible pull. Although being caught had scared and forced her into realising what she was risking she said she honestly did not contemplate the hurt it would cause.

She had lied to me to keep me from the hurt and pain but really did not consider the depth of the hurt might cause because she was lost in the lust of it.

She was terrified that I would leave her now and I was petrified she might have left me for him. We both still loved each other and decided to try to work through it.

I still needed to know why she had gone with a stranger that first time though, she said it was more about being angry with me and someone giving her the attention she needed that night. It had been a perfect storm and she needed to feel loved.

She said she had never felt that way before and had never even kissed anyone besides me in all of our marriage. I believed her but how could I know this was the end of it. How could I know she would not betray me again. If we stayed together we would need to rebuild the trust which at the moment seemed impossible. The problem was I still loved her.

I asked if I had been a pity fuck for the last month, she was at least honest about that. She told me that she had felt enormously guilty and did feel for me the first night home, but it had awakened something in us both. After that first night back she felt it was like the old me and her had resurfaced, and we were like rutting rabbits again. It had been the best month of her life it was just like the old days, exciting.

I asked her if it was him on her mind when she was with me, she said,

"No definitely not, how the hell could you say that!"

"How could I NOT think that?"

James, I am so sorry to have made you think like that, I do love you I know that is hard to believe right now but I promise I do, I will never do anything to hurt you like this again if you have me back. Please, please forgive me I will do anything you ask. The way she said it with such emotion I believed her with that too.

He had ignited something deep within her and we both had taken advantage of that for the month. The situation was as much my fault as hers, I know she was the protagonist but I let her.

I told her I wanted to meet this man, the man that fucked my wife. She looked at me horrified.

"I need to see him, to meet him. I will not attack him or hurt him but I need closure if we are to try again. Like you, I think last month was the best of our married life and I need to find out why? I want that back if we are to stay together. I do love you and do not want to lose you. But on condition that I meet him."

We went to Brighton the following weekend and to my surprise Terry wasn't what I expected. I made Marie meet him and sit with me in his restaurant to answer the questions I had so she could squirm beside me as I heard the answers. He nearly cost me my marriage but to my annoyance after 30 minutes I found I liked him.

He and his wife had had an open relationship until she had died in an accident two years ago. It seemed Marie was the last in a long line of ladies, she was not keen on hearing that. He seemed genuinely sorry for his actions towards me, he knew she was married but he too got caught up in the moment.

I said that did not excuse this weekend, he looked to Marie and said,

"You have a good man here, he does not deserve what we have done to him."

He looked to me and held his hand out,

"James I understand if you want to break my hand off but I am truly sorry for my actions, we got caught up in a moment that should not have occurred. But it did and for that I cannot make that right. Marie is a wonderful lady and I am so sorry I have defiled you both."

Whether he was acting or not only he knows but I felt it sincere. I have searched within myself for answers as to why I let it happen, I think it was the change I saw in Marie. I loved the change in her, she had that twinkle in her eyes back and I felt loved again.

It brought me back to the same question I asked myself before, would my life be better without her in it. The answer I could honestly give myself was no. Time would tell but after 20 odd years we had to give it a go.

The end.