Jamie - The Journey Begins Ch. 23 - Santa I'm on the Other List

Dear Ben,

I've tried to call you and message you and I get it, your hurt and pissed at me.

I can't tell you. I can't explain how sorry I am. There aren't enough words. I just can't understand, how in hindsight, how naïve I was. We'll not even, just plain stupid! Ben, please, believe me, all I was trying to do was genuinely settle the unfinished business I had with Sam, with everyone! Because I wanted to make a fresh start with you, nothing hanging over us, nothing worrying me or regrets that I hadn't resolved things, but all I've done is hurt the one person I love you, the only person that I want to spend my life with.

If I could, if I was saying this face to face. I'd drop to my knees and apologize over and over if I had too because I truly am so very sorry, just the thought of how much I've hurt you makes me want to puke.

Why did this happen? It's a question I've been asking myself now for almost six weeks. I had it all worked out, we'll kind of. It was a simple plan, tell Sam how much I loved you. About our fantastic time in Texas and Europe. Make sure that Sam knew it was over between him and me, that I was happy for him and TY, that was it!

Somehow in amongst all of that that I was kinda daydreaming about us and reliving those times. I told him that I was in love with you, I told my family and close friends that the day I arrived back home, even let slip that I wanted to marry you someday.

But to do this I needed clear all the unfinished business I had floating about. I'd made peace with my ex-wife days before, I'd even forgiven my ex-father-in-law after his hateful and homophobic rants, I was caught up on telling Sam how much I loved you and how wonderful you were that it just happened, and I stopped him instantly, but it was wrong to meet up without other people there or so soon ... dumb of me to start with!

Why?

Because none of it mattered, the only thing that matters is you, I love you, Benjamin Rush. More than I've loved anyone... no that's not true. I've only felt like this once before and after he died I thought I would never again, till I met you.

I honestly thought that night in Paris that you were going to propose to me, that's why I was so rattled at the time. Then I was consumed with questions why you didn't ask, or were you going to and changed your mind? Or was I more in love with you than me?

All I wanted was all this doubt, this stuff in my head to be gone. In case that was holding you back, holding me back, and it so spectacularly backfired.

Ben, you have been the best thing to happen to me, I can't say sorry enough, because I've hurt you. I promised you and myself that I'd never do it and I have, I only hope that you can forgive me or if not at least find someone who will make you happy, because you deserve to be happy and loved.

I love you today and forever, James.

Daniel agreed to print the email out and place it in Ben's hands, but that was all he could guarantee.

..o0o..

Sam had told Ty about it, and to his credit, he'd owned most of the blame, I found that out the night of the carpark incident with Mom and Steph. Steph wasn't there to have a go at me, Todd told me that she went along to control Mom. Apparently, Mom was pissed off to the max when she heard about Sam and I. She'd been brewing on it since, plus I'd gone into hiding, so Mom decided that it was time for us to talk. Steph came to make sure Mom didn't do anything that she'd regret.

I can't help feel that a lot of people jumped to the conclusion that I was to blame for this, I was in a way, but I don't think I owned the lion's share of it, if anything it has taught me to be more aware of manipulation to a degree; yeah I see plenty of it at work from time to time, but I try to keep those two worlds apart, I guess I need to let more of the work Jamie in and less of the social Jamie.

Most people came to see that Sam and I had unfinished business to deal with, but we were stupid and somewhat selfish in the way we did it, big lesson learned that day.

When graduation parade finally came around, I'd been able to escape the Spence world for seven days as I had requested a work placement as far away as I could. So out west, I went, wow it's a whole different world out there.

When I arrived home the night before graduation there was a pile of emails that Lucas had sent me, I hadn't been checking any of it while I was away. I needed this deployment to go well, I wanted to kick some butt on the course and saw this as an opportunity to make up for some of the time lost in distractions and so during the course, plus I decided that the Jamie of old had to go. I needed to be more of the work me at home for a while, till I could adult without training wheels.

After a good night's sleep in my own bed, I was dressed in my service dress uniform and headed downstairs, Adam and Julie were in the kitchen meals area chatting.

"Hey Jamie, looking good in that uniform mate," Adam smiled.

"Thanks, Buddy, you two look nice as well, you coming along today? Y'all don't have too, it's no biggie."

The look on their faces was one of horror, particularly Julie's. "Jamie, when my world fell apart many times you were there for me, Adam and I wouldn't miss this for the world." Adam nodding along.

"Just about to make a coffee, you want a quick late before we go?" Adam turned and walked towards the espresso machine, flicking his head subtly at Julie's on the way.

"Sure thanks," I replied not really concentrating on what was going on, I pulled my laptop over and opened my emails.

"Any idea where you'll get posted, Jamie?" Julie's slid a nice fresh banana across the bench, "better have something to eat, all that standing around don't want you to blackout." Jules' had a look of ... I want to ask but should I? about her.

"Okay Jules, out with it, what's up?"

"It's just. It's nice to have you back here with us, I know I'm being selfish but I hope you don't get posted too far away." The concern in her voice was raw, she was worried about me. I could tell that I'd changed, that this whole episode had changed me and not for the best either.

"Thanks, Jules, but I think it's better if I ... I don't know." Running my hand through my hair and down my neck. "This whole Ben and Sam thing has just turned me inside out. I've realized that I need to grow up a lot and I think. And I need to go away to do that, if... does that make sense?" I looked between my friends' pained faces.

"Yeah, I get it, Jamie. But don't run too far, because that's only part of the answer. The rest is being able to face yourself in the mirror every day," Adam slid my coffee across the countertop to me. "Coffee and life advice," he smiled.

Nodding my head, I sipped the coffee, "dam'n Adam. That's awesome!" smiling a cheeky smile, "and the coffee is good too."

At that, we all giggled an uncomfortable release. Scanning my inbox, I saw what I was looking for 'Movement Orders,' I clicked on it and read down to the bit where my posting was. "Hey guys, know anyone that wants to rent my room?" Julie and Adam stopped mid-conversation and looked at me. "I've been posted back out to the West for six months," there was silence. "Also, just received confirmation that I've passed, we'll okay I knew that bit." I smiled a, yeah, I know look. "So, my first preference of placement has been granted."

I knew they were short on staff out west, and it would be a good career move for me to go where the need was. "I'd decided to head back out west for six months, it would give me time to get over Ben, Sam and everything else without having a breakdown, hopefully. Also, the fire risk for the upcoming season was high and looked like it was going to be busy."

They were silent, Julie finally found her voice, "If it's what you want Jamie, then congrats. But if its to run and hide, please don't lose your way back to us okay." She walked over and hugged me, as we separated Adam stuck out his hand from the side of the counter, as I grabbed it, he pulled me towards him, stepping around the corner and pulling me into a hug.

"Jamie, it's not all your fault. But you've got to do what you need to."

"Thanks, Guys appreciate it, can you do me a favor and not tell anyone till after today. I want to enjoy the day before facing the questions."

"Maybe we can make up some flash cards for you Jamie," Julie laughed.

"Thanks, mate, can always count on you to keep it real." We finished our coffee's and headed out into the garage and into Adam's new Mercedes SUV pickup he'd bought. Said it was good for the grocery run or something, funny but stupid at the same time. That's so Adam, I think it was for when he and Julie get started on a family, just say'n.

..o0o..

Mom and Dad, and a few of the guys came along to the presentation ceremony, I saw Gav standing there with his cell phone out the entire time, I guessed he was waiting for the fails to begin or someone to fall ass over. It turned out I was wrong.

The ceremony was over and we were all mingling in with the assembled guests, when Gav came up to me, "Hey fantastic job mate, congrats!"

"Thanks, Gav," I grabbed his hand and shook it, "appreciate it mate, ta."

"I've got something else for you, Jamie," Gav placed his cell phone in my hand screen facing upwards, I knew exactly who that was, Lucas, Hailey, my uncle and Aunt, a few cousins too, but the one face I really wanted to see wasn't there, my heart sunk. I quickly swallowed it down and pull on a brave face too all.

Lucas grabbed the call for a moment, "Hey dufus! Well done! congrats..." he was smiling away.

Then I was on the move again. "Congrats Jamie," Hailey smiled into the cell. "We came over to watch the ceremony, you looked amazing up there, well done you!"

"Thanks, Hailey, Lucas, really appreciate it."

"Sure, our pleasure. Look I'll pass you around the room." And so, started twenty minutes of hello and thank you to all the family there. I was nice of them all, very nice really. It gave me the lift I needed. Oh, and Lucas lets it slip that Hayley has moved in with him...

..o0o..

My first week in my new territory was full on, there had been tons of grass fires of late. The dry winter and spring meant that the summer fire period would be upon us early, there was the talk of it being the worst season for years, but this is common leading up to the peak season, we'll just have to see what we get I guess.

All things considered, I thought that it might be a great idea to stay out here well into January. Whilst my application to cancel my leave request over Christmas was accepted, as Ben wasn't coming out as we'd planned when well when we were seeing each other, but I was able to come home for a few days to celebrate Christmas with the family.

I made it home Christmas Eve, Jet and Daisy's kinder were having their Christmas carols, I had volunteered to bring Santa on a fire truck the kids still thought I was going to be away, I hadn't really seen much of my family from that week before Thanksgiving.

The surprise on their little faces when Santa arrived out front where they all could see, I heard Daisy squeal when I jumped out of the truck and helped Santa down, Santa his helpers and me made our way into the kinder yard through the side gate. After some hugs were dispersed by Santa and me too to my niece and nephew we all settled back to hear some carols sung by some very enthusiastic voices, it was kinda peaceful but enjoyable too,

When Jet and Daisy came on it made my heart melt, maybe I would like to be a dad one day. "Huh." The local guys took their truck back to the station while I settled in surrounded by family, the odd crying baby and loads of memories about this place, this was the same kinder we'd all gone too, it had changed heaps over the years, but had that familiar feel to it all the same, I looked around and saw the various places, Mason and I fought, lol.

Towards the end of the night, Todd sat done next to me and he started to fiddle about with his backpack that dad had just handed back to him. "Hey stranger how you going?" whispering in my ear so not to disturb the kids.

I nodded, "I'm okay, buddy how about you?"

"Good now, but earlier," he smiled. "Wow these things are great when it's your kids or niece nephew but two hours of show and screaming random babies in the audience... jeez-us!"

Suddenly I felt something in my hand and looked down, it was a bottle of cider with a juice label stuck on it.

Todd smiled, "what did you think I was going to put in your hand with kids about, dumbass."

He smiled that wry smile that made me laugh instantly, okay and I got two or three shushes too. "You look like you could do with a drink, shit I know I could."

He smiled and kept them flowing for the rest of the night, I looked up at dad and noticed that he had a 'juice bottle too.' Dad just tipped his bottle towards us and smiled. "Have I told you that I love my brother in law." I leaned in close to Todd.

"Aww shucks, your too cute Jamie." We quietly clinked our bottles together. Todd's just the best, sneaky cider or six. Only problem, towards the end I was getting nicely toasted.

I was completely swept up with the kids singing, so much that I hardly noticed the tap on my shoulder at first, it was only when I heard a voice in my ear "Hey you." that time froze I half turned my head and looked in shock. "Ben?" I saw his face and my heart stopped, I couldn't believe it I felt my eyes go wide like quarters, I was speechless.

Ben put his finger up to his lips and then pointed to the kids singing, with a huge smile on his face. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out, I was sitting on the floor cross-legged as kids do, Ben had slid in behind me. His folded legs gently pressing against my back, I could feel the heat from him and smell him, my heart was racing. His left hand was resting on my hip, the other must have been on his knee.

"Jamie!" Todd's voice filled my head.

"Yeah, I answered," feeling a little stunned.

"No more ciders for you. Luckily I caught that one as you dropped it, man you need to catch up on some sleep."

"Wha-, sleep!" I turned around to look at Ben again, and he wasn't there.

"What's wrong Jamie, you okay?"

I realized in that split second that I'd been dreaming. It was all a dream, Ben wasn't here, he wasn't smiling at me, the truth be known he was probably... just as sad as I was. "Sorry Todd, I think I was dreaming or something. I have to go, excuse me." I stumbled to my feet, sitting cross-legged for so long and now half toasted on ciders made for an interesting exit. Let's just say that ninja I wasn't.

..o0o..

Somehow, I managed to keep to together till I was clear of the preschool, but as soon as I was out of sight, yep those tears started to flow again, as the rains in Northern Queensland. I'd made it a few blocks when Gav pulled up and coaxed me into the car, sweet jeez have I got a tracker on me or something, fuck these guys are everywhere.

"Jamie, what the hell are you doing. Mate look at you, your gonna have a breakdown come on. Let us help talk to me, please." I looked up at Gav, I tried to reject his strongly worded pitch but I couldn't, the time for running was over.

"Gav, I've fucked it up. So badly... I didn't mean it, not at all..."

"Come on mate, hop in, we know."

We drove off, I wasn't sure but we drove for hours just talking. Giving me the time and space to let it all out, by the time we got back to my place I was exhausted, sober and felt empty.

The last thing Gav told me before watching me go up the stairs to my bedroom, yeah, he walked me into the house and did a hand over to Adam and Julie. "If Ben loves you as much as you love him, he will come back to you. Just be patient don't give up, okay?"

"Thanks, Gav," I walked upstairs and had a long hot shower, then fell into bed and passed out.

..o0o..

Christmas day started with a bang, I was awoken from my deep sleep when Jet and Daisy decided that I was a great human trampoline, so it was time to get up get dressed and head over to Mom and Dads for Christmas lunch, apparently my two little terrors wants to come with their uncle, well it kept my mind off the other stuff.

Christmas lunch... well wasn't that an affair. The normal family thing, too much food. Enough to feed a small country, the family trying not to discuss the elephant in the room, oh yeah and my brother too. I guess all in all it could have been way-way worse than it was.

Mom fussed around, my sisters kept telling her to relax. My dad was looking after the BBQ while us guys gathered on the rear steps, in the way of everyone. Sipping beers and talking shit.

After lunch and to stave off the food coma we all went out back and shot some hoops, the old man's still got it. He could have played for the national league here, but enjoyed firefighting and girls too much I think. Still, he kicked all our butts, except for the grandkids, they had him wrapped around their cute little fingers.

It was Christmas day, which would be Christmas Eve at his place, Ben's right. I decided to send a video message, and not look stupid or sad or happy.

"Oh god, what am I doing. Hi Ben, I hope that you get this message, I wanted to wish you a happy Christmas and new year. I know that I'm probably not the person you'd want to see on Christmas, but its Christmas right and if you don't tell someone how you feel about them now when do you." I moved the cell phone a little closer, "I just wanted to say... yep, I'm sorry. And that I will always love you and hope that someday." I paused for a second, I could feel the emotion welling up so pulled one of those dumb faces to break the tension. "Someday soon you might be able to forgive me. But if you can't then that's on me... but you deserve to be happy." Putting the biggest smile on that I could I finished with, "Happy holidays Ben, my love always James."

I send a copy to Lucas and Daniel too, just to make sure he got it.

..o0o..

After an hour or so, everyone decided that it was time to go home, my place was only a fifteen-minute walk so I opted to walk off some of the food I'd had stuffed into me. Mom and Dad were going to come over to my place at 19:00h to have a coffee with me before I took off again for work. This time I would be gone for six months, maybe more, as I'd taken my US buddies up on their constant badgering of applying for secondment in the States in their Summer to fall.

I'd not long left the rents place when my cell beeped, "jeez what have I forgotten now," Mom always messages me after l leave telling me I'd forgotten this or that. Then offering to drop it over after, it was a ploy to see me sometimes I think.

"Crazy talking to myself" I fishing my cell out of my pocket and stopped dead in my tracks, it was a message from Ben. Instantly my heart started to race, and my mouth and throat were bone dry.

Using my left index finger, I swiped the message open, I read it over and over each time taking a few steps then stopping and re-reading. "Happy holidays James, your right if you can't tell someone how you feel about them during the holidays then when can you. I was surprised to get your message as you never replied to my email, after yours. I thought you'd given up, I can blame you if you do. You look fantastic, more tanned and you've bulked up a bit. Anyways, please look after yourself, okay. Happy holidays Love Ben."

"Email, what email!" I was stunned at that shaking my head. I shoved my cell back into my pocket and ran like my ass was on fire till I reached the front door of my place. Breathless and impatient I grabbed my keys out fumbling with the stupid door lock I'm so used to going in the garage door I don't remember when I used the front door last.