Jamie - The Journey Begins Ch. 23 - Santa I'm on the Other List

"Crap," It was like putting a square peg in a round hole, finally getting the damn key to work turning it and burst through the front door in one very uncoordinated, loud movement.

"What the..." Adam called out from the meals area, I almost knocked him over as I ran to my laptop. "Sorry Adam, I think I missed an email." And threw my cell to him with Ben's message on the screen.

Jules joined us a few moments later, I could see Adam reading and re-reading the message, his lips move when he concentrates, it's been a thing since school. Without taking my eyes off the screen, I opened the inbox nothing! "Fuck it." Then the junk mail folder it was pretty much empty. "Fuck it," I slammed my fist into the countertop.

"Not there Jamie?"

"Nah, it's pretty much empty Adam... fuck me."

"Do you have auto delete set up, maybe it's in your deleted items-trash bin?"

"Shit, thanks, man." I quickly opened the trash folder and typed 'Ben' in the search field.

"1 result."

I held my breath and clicked on it, "I found it, Adam." I looked up stunned. I tried to read it but I couldn't concentrate, Adam picked it in a flash.

"Here let me read it to you, I know mate. I know." Has he walked over, handing me his beer and sitting down next to me, "you drink I'll read okay."

I nodded, what the hell is he doing here on Christmas night. I cocked my head at Adam sideways, really they should just move in, fuck it's not like Julie's marriage wasn't over for a year before the big split, and that's what, ten months ago or more now. But I'm not one to offer relationship advice, well unless you want to end it.

Hey James,

I think your cousin and my brother are in league with each other. I had them both calling me threatening to pitching a fit if I didn't read your email. The look on Lucas's face when he turned up on my door to campaign for you this morning, convince me to read it.

He had that same surprised look you get when I told him I'd already read it. After recovering from that shock, he asked if I was going to reply. You two really are close, he had that whole lost puppy look going on as you do, but I wasn't sure then so was honest when I said look I just don't know. But here I am.

James, you have no idea how much it hurt me when you told me what happened, it crushed me, and I felt like a fool.

It wasn't that is was a kiss, and your advocates here (Lucas and Daniel) keep saying it wasn't your idea, that you didn't kiss him. He kissed you, it just ... was the breach of trust. Your last words to me in France was you'd make it work. Then the next time we spoke, its "Ben I did a bad thing!"

How could you be so stupid Jamie? really, for a smart guy.

I've had time to think about it. Well, it's all that I've been able to think about for weeks. That and Daniel hounding me constantly to speak to you. So that you'd stop calling and messaging him, he's okay with it. He just keeps telling me that it's our mess we need to fix it.

So, on that, I just don't know James, I just don't. I understand that you were trying to, what was it 'Adult without training wheels?' Where do you think these up? I could see that you were trying to make your peace with your world back home, I guess that's what stopped me from cutting you off and closing the door.

As I sit here this has taken me a few hours to write, really don't know what the future is for us, I don't. I guess I need time to think about it, maybe we could talk in a few weeks if you want?

Good luck on your course, I hope the exams and placement go well for you, and please stay safe and don't throw yourself into your work to hide from this, yes Lucas has spilled the beans on you, take care ok <3

Ben.

We all sat there in silence for a full five minutes, till the knock at the door pulled us back out of the trance. I got up and let my parents in it felt like I was a zombie, just mechanical movements no feeling.

Opening the door, the look on my mom's face was horror almost. "Jamie, what's wrong?"

"Ben replied to my letter," I mumbled out looking down at the floor. Come in I'll show you I don't know what to make of it."

Mom gave Dad one of those, look after him looks directed at me as she power walked down the hallway to the meals area. I could hear Adam and Julie talking quietly. The occasional, "I don't know" and "it's a good thing I think" could be heard.

Mom was convinced that it was a good thing, that if Ben had totally given up he wouldn't have replied to the email or holidays message. I guess she had a point.

Not a real surprise but about thirty minutes later, my siblings arrived. Mom must have messaged them, so then I had both sisters and my mother deciding what was meant in Ben's email.

..o0o..

The next day started off like the last ended, my mind spinning over. Ben's email and the things it said and didn't say. I sipped on my second espresso before getting the courage to email back.

Hey Ben, found your email, it was in the trash folder. Sorry have fixed the spam filter now so hopefully, it won't happen again. Lucas hadn't told me much about your conversation just that he tried.

I can't argue with anything you've said because pretty much its spot on. I've gotten my placement orders, for the next four months, was going to be six but... it's about five hours away from home so that should put me outside my mom's reaches.

I'm so glad you wrote and hope you'll write back soon, the season is busy now so there might be some delay in me getting back to you, but I will okay.

Take care, <3 James.

I packed up my laptop and headed for the shower, as I was about to step into it when the group chat with Dave, Gav and the boys started going off. They were taking me to lunch at Checkpoint Charlies and we were going to get a little day drunk before I snuck back to the bush.

The instructions where be ready by 11:30 else they were going to take me, naked if they had too.

"Shit, I'd better get showered and dressed," with that and yes, more talking to myself! I jumped into the shower and got ready before time.

..o0o..

I'd just sat down on the sofa watching the game Adam had recorded when the guys arrived. It sounded like there was an invading horde at the door when I opened it, they all were there, well except for two. Even Todd and my brother were trying to push their way through, I didn't know what to say to Mason.

He just smiled and walked past me, "hey little bro." Just as Adam strolled out with Jules, their eyes met, I thought I was going to be something between a nuclear explosion and a blood feud, but nothing someone's been handing out Xanax like candy for sure.

"Hey Mason," Adam walked up to him and they shook hands.

"Hey Jules," Mason greeted her with a smile, weird. A smile!

Then he turned to me, "Come on! we're getting 'day drunk Spence."

I didn't know what to do or say, someone has possessed my brother. I just agreed and walked out the front door, with everyone inside spilling out on to the front lawn, heading toward a fleet of minibus cab's parked outside of my place, with almost military precision we all piled in and headed to Check Point Charlies.

To say the day ended with us Day drunk, well that was an understatement, my god I haven't been that slammed for a long time.

..o0o..

"Hey Spence," a distant voice was calling me. The last month had been tough, I'd been in the fire service for years, but they got their dollars' worth from me and the teams around here over the last week. It was like the entire state was on fire, if we weren't working on shift, loads of the guys, myself included were turning out as volunteers to help.

"Spence, mate!" the voice called again somewhat angrier than before, that was Corey. My 2IC, great guy. Gonna make a fantastic Commander one day, soon if we're all lucky.

"Lowery, send your message," I called back. So, where am I? Standing on the back of our water tanker about to conduct a pre-action briefing or SMEAC as we call it, hopefully, this plan will put us in a position to grab this fire by the horns and put it out.

"Commander Spence, the Regional Commander wants you to call him on the mobile, over."

"Received," I pulled out my cell and called the boss. I did see an email from him the other day but it didn't look too important and if it was he'd call right? seems I was right.

"Hi, sir how are you."

"Jesus Spence, your almost as hard as I am to get hold of, how's it all going out there? Not the bullshit line along the channels, what's really happening, do you guys need anything. Anything I can help with, let me know."

"Thanks, boss. We're working on almost one hundred kilometers of containment lines over the next few days. Hoping to pull it up before the next burst of high temperatures hits us, is the plan. If you want to help, come out and get on a branch boss," I laughed as did he.

"I think my days of chasing fire on the back of a truck are behind me, but we'll see Spence, we'll see." There was a brief silence, "I sent you an email which I see you haven't opened yet."

"Sorry Matt, I've been kinda busy here." I offered with a degree of sincerity.

"All good Jamie, look. Your secondment has come back from the US, and you've got a double. They've offered you a run with LA County Fire and El Paso Fire Department, seems your buddies over there want you to come over."

Wow, I'd been requested by both! That's fantastic, I couldn't hide the smile. "Um Matt, did they say how long the secondments would be?"

"If you'd read my email, it's in there." He added with a degree of smartass too, deserved but, the man he could make the point all right. "LA County is for five months, and El Paso is for seven."

"Wow, I'd be gone almost a ..." I stopped for a second that is a year idiot, okay it's been a long few weeks. Give 'me a break.

"Yeah 12 months Spence, you're supposed to ship out on Friday, that's this Friday-two days."

"Okay, then I'd better get back to this fire and get packing, sir."

"Your booked on the flight back to the city tomorrow night 22:30 make sure your there."

"Thanks, Boss - Matt, appreciate the call, and ... everything."

"No problem Jamie, you deserve it. You've done a fantastic job out here, you're gonna be missed."

And with that, I hung up and got busy putting this damn fire out.

We'd put in a fantastic effort and the night's crews were going to make sure it didn't jump the lines. After returning to our accommodation, showering and getting changed into clothes that didn't smell like smoke. I appeared with a cooler full of sodas and ice-cold beer.

"Huge effort all, let's have a few coldies, plus I've got some news."

"What's going on boss," Corey asked.

"So, it looks like there will be an acting commander taking over from me as of tomorrow." There were a few eye rolls going on, the teams generally don't like boss's shifting around, apparently, they like to get us trained the way they like us to be, Jeez I can remember saying and thinking the same thing when I was on the hose all day.

"Yeah, he's not a bad guy. And with me heading to the States on secondment for twelve months I couldn't think of anyone better." I turned to Corey, they all had a look of surprise on their faces.

"Yeah I'd applied when I finished at the college, and only found out this arvo." I stood up and the guys all took their cue from me standing too. "Congratulations Corey, you're going to do a fantastic job," to say he was shocked was a total understatement.

"Um, ah... Jeez, boss." He ran his hands through his hair, whilst smiling like a five-year-old. "Um, thanks. I won't let you, us down."

"I know you won't, but it's my ass too if you do right." I slapped him on the shoulder, "Come on let's have a beer." The rest of the guys all congratulated Corey and me too, it was a great way to finish off out here.

It' had been fantastic out here, a great opportunity to build my skills, grow into my role without distractions... distractions hmmm Ben I mean. It had been almost three and a half months since that night I'd called Ben. We'd been messaging a little since then and I wrote to him about every seven or so days, sometimes it was a few lines. Other times it an essay.

I don't know how to fix it with him or if I can. I'd had a few offers here and there of hook-ups but backed out at the last minute, I wasn't over him. And it felt like if I started having sex with other guys then it really was over, that I'd really blown it.

Maybe I could look Josh up while I'm in Cali... No, second thoughts maybe I shouldn't, think I've finally learned a painful lesson.