Jamie - The Journey Begins Ch. 32 - Hold My Beer or Something....

I remember seeing photos of Dad and uncle Reid when they were young: they were hot as. Shit, can you say that about your mom or dad? Maybe not about Dad, I guess, with all this horror going on. Then the vision of dad just lying there brought be back to reality with a gut-wrenching thud. With all the emotion, mom was verging on exhaustion, her body trembling, shaking a little. I was trying my best to comfort her. I'm not sure if I was helping.

Finally, we broke apart taking a few silent steps toward the bed, sitting down for a few seconds. I just sat there, silently looking at him. His face was well-toned from being outside, but you could see the color had started to drain away, like his life force ebbing away. The grey highlights along the sides of his hair were harder to see - the sunlight had bleached his hair to a lighter shade of brown. He just looked like he was in a deep sleep.

Subconsciously, I had moved forward taking his hand in mine. Slowly, I lowered my forehead to meet his hand. My entire being was wracked with pain and sorrow. The tears that had stopped earlier were freely flowing again.

Mom was gently rubbing the middle of my back like she did when I was little and upset. "You know how proud of you your dad was, right, and how proud I am too, son." I couldn't find words to answer her, simply nodding a few times.

My heart was shattered. He's gone: my hero, role model, my dad...

..o0o..

We kids all met up at mom and dad's later in the evening. We just stood together, hugging each other in a circle in the family kitchen. The silence was only broken by a few sobs and the odd sniffle: I think it was the first time we'd come together like this since grand-momma Spence died years ago. Maybe we'll all start being more adult. The thought did flash through my mind when I meant 'we being more adult' - I meant Mason... ok, and me too, a little bit.

The following 48hrs were a blur, an emotional rollercoaster. I was staying with Adam and Julie at their place. There was a steady stream of my friends that called in. When I wasn't with company at Adam's, he would drive me over to mom and dad's place for a few hours each day, said he wanted to make sure I got there safely, but also it was a time just for us too.

Uncle Reid and Aunt Ann Maire had arrived and were staying with mom. Uncle Reid was pretty busted up - he and dad had always gotten on so well. In a lot of ways, like what I expect Lucas and I will be like when we're older and more adult.

All I wanted was one person to walk in that door: thankfully, he did just after 7 am the following morning. Vince had collected Ben and brought him over. When he walked in, I just stood still.

Ben dropped his bags and ran to me wrapping his arms around me, pulling my head onto his shoulder, my face was tucked into his neck. "I'm sorry, Skip-Jamie. I wish I could have been with you the whole time."

My voice, muffled: "It's ok. It was hard enough for me to just drop and run - it's ok."

"Oh Skip, I'm so sorry, about Dad, all of this..." Ben repeatedly kissed the side of my head, gently calming me down, supporting me.

I heard some quiet noises behind Ben. "Hey guys - Adam and I are going to give you some privacy. We'll be back in a few hours, ok?"

I didn't - couldn't - find words to answer Jules. I just nodded and held Ben a little tighter.

"Thank you, Julie-Adam, for looking after Jamie, for being the amazing friends you both are. You are the best people."

After a few light footsteps, I heard the front door close.

We stood there in place, not talking, just holding each other. But I think in truth, Ben was holding, supporting me. Eventually, we walked back to the spare bedroom I was using, quietly closing the door behind us. I turned, facing Ben. The words just flooded out, without thought or pause. "I'm so exhausted. I've missed you so much. Thank you for coming, for all this... this trouble I've put you to."

"Shhh, it's no trouble. What are you talking about! Of course, I was coming, I love you, Jamie, for good times and in bad, remember? I love your family as much as mine - they are my family now."

I just nodded. "Can we lay down for a moment, please? I haven't been able to sleep much since I left Texas." He nodded and helped me lay down, then big spooned me. I wriggled around a bit as I always do in bed, eventually curling into Ben, his arms and body forming a protective barrier surrounding me while I cried. I could hear his silent tears also. I think at some point, I fell asleep, only waking a few hours later when Hailey came in to see if we were ok. Lucas and Hailey arrived on the same flight as Ben. They were staying with us at Adam and Julie's. They went straight to mom's place when they arrived to see her and came when Todd dropped them over to Adam and Julie's later that day. We'd filled their place to bursting almost, sorry guys.

Hailey had been a huge help. Ben and Lucas were running guard around me and the family.

With Ben here with me, I knew I could get through it now.

..o0o..

In a numb trance, I was standing in my old bedroom at mom and dad's place a day later. My old double bed had become a makeshift packing and sorting workbench, with three marked boxes on it. I used the old 'save, donate, rubbish' method to clear out the last of my stuff with some success as I looked across the bedroom floor at the boxes I'd already labeled, sorted, and filled.

Across the head end of the bed lay my ceremonials/dress uniform, just laying there, all cleaned, lifeless, freshly pressed from their visit to the dry cleaners after the funeral. As I was slipping them into the suit storage bag, there was a knock at my door. "Jamie! it's Amanda."

"Hey Amanda - come in." I stopped packing for a moment, wiping my eyes and face with my hands - the dust must be bad today, making my eyes water a little. The door opened and there stood my old friend and savior from the HR department.

"Hey, Manda. How are you?" I asked as we hugged.

"I'm ok. Called past to see your mom - she said you were here packing up some of your old stuff. How are you going? I love the photo of you all at the service. You know how proud of you all your dad was, right?"

"Yeah, but I'd swap anything just to have him back here, you know."

"I know. We all feel it, obviously not as much as you guys, but still, Rob, I mean former Deputy Chief Officer Spence - your entire family have been so connected with so many with the service for so long. It's a huge loss for everyone."

"I know. Raine-the chief - and the Honours and Awards guys did an amazing job with it all."

We just stood there for a few moments, just quietly holding each other, no words needed to be spoken: thousands were by this simple thing, supporting each other.

"So, packing I see, hey!"

"Yep! I was just thinking about the last time I put on the uniform, was one of the saddest, and interwoven moments of pure happiness too. Standing opposite the CFO, at the head of dad's guard of honor, something I'll never forget."

"Technically you're on the books still, just on leave till the term of notice expires which is still a month away, but there was never any question about you putting the uniform on or being a big part of the funeral service. Plus Jamie, that eulogy you gave... I cried for an hour afterward."

"You're not going to believe it, but I wrote that in one go. The words just spilled out onto the page. I was just the tool to write them down. After my notice is up, I guess our family will no longer be part of the job hey, all connection lost. It's that surreal feeling. Even though Dad retired from it, he remained in the system as a retained officer."

"Sure, during the high summer danger period, he'd always make a stop at my office on the way to see CFO Wilmer, saying 'time to dust off the turnouts, see how much weight I've gained over the winter, hey! Go see what all the fuss was about.'

"Ha-ha, yeah. He loved it. Firefighting was so much of who he was in so many ways. I guess after being in the job for so long, it becomes part of you. Sadly, now there wouldn't be anyone from our family in the job here now. First time in 35years."

"True, but there is another generation coming along - Kate's kids. I'm sure Stephanie will have kids or Mason at some point... and you're in the job still, just not here. So you could say the family has branched out, internationally."

"True. Thanks for that, Manda - always the alternate positive perspective. Did you know that during the discussions between mom and the protocols team, Raine sent mom a text -reminded us that Stephanie could wear her ceremonials also if she wanted?"

"Yeah, he'd had a meeting with the guys before they came out to see her. He wanted to make sure everything was all good. It showed: the memorial service went off like clockwork. Have to say your sister looked amazing in her Navy uniform. You easily forget the amazing job and places your sister has served, but one look at those service medals, it becomes quite clear. They looked amazing - the sunlight glinting off of them."

"Stephanie gets a little embarrassed, I don't know why. She has and is serving our country with honor and pride. Ben remarked on how everyone at the reception commented on her 'collection' as we call it. She didn't leave mom's side all day pretty much."

"Your man looked the goods, too, in his suit. Wow, Jamie - done well there," Amanda offered with a smile.

"I'm so glad he and everyone was there. The support and love were amazing. It was one of the hardest days I've ever lived through."

..o0o..