Jay's Loelife Ch. 28

Derek shakes his head in the rearview mirror. "Nope. Union."

"I love that place. Their blackened salmon is the best I've had." The second I say it, I realize what it means. We're eating at Union because it's my favorite, despite it being my parents' anniversary.

The drive is awkward. Danielle and Niki are obviously uncomfortable while my brothers pretend nothing is amiss. I suppose, to them it's not. Which makes me angry. I don't even know what to say.

I can't even look at Loren. He must think I'm a monster, having gone my whole life clueless, letting my brothers live under my bridge. I can't judge Lars for not realizing the truth of his parents while I accepted my own falsehoods because they suited me.

By the time I pull along the curb in front of Union, I'm quite pissed. "I'll be right back." I unlock only my door and leave the car running.

"I think valet prefers we're out of the car before they park it. In fact, I'm absolutely positive about it," Taylor argues.

I close the door on my mouthy brother and hurry into the restaurant. My parents are already seated at the pre-reserved table for eight. They look up and smile. Mom claps silently, a bit giddy while Dad stands out of respect. I think he expects me to round the table for our normal greeting.

"Why aren't we at Carrabba's?"

"We haven't seen you in forever and we know you love Union," Mom answers.

"But it's your anniversary."

She shrugs. "It's not a big deal, Jay. We enjoy Union, they have great food."

"Why don't we go to Nagoya? That's Derek's favorite."

Unamused, Mom tilts her head and looks at me patiently. "Jay, what is this about?'

I look between my parents. "Why do you guys treat me differently?"

Mom rolls her eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about."

I look at Dad. His eyes are downcast. "Dad?"

He shakes his head, which irritates Mom so she whacks him with the back of her hand. "Do you have something to say?"

Dad tightens his lips in defiance, like Aidan when he holds on to the door frame so you can't make him go. Dad is not going to say anything if he can get away with it.

"Richard?"

The seconds tick by. I'll give it to the man, he holds out. In the end, he's no match for Donna Petermeyer. Her direct stare wears him down until his shoulder sag. "What do you want me to say?"

Mom leans back and looks between us in confusion. "If someone is accusing me of playing favorites..." When the silence stretches, she sighs. "You were our first born after two miscarriages and you always excelled in everything you did. I'm a proud mother."

"You can be proud of me in a way that doesn't leave Taylor and Derek out."

"They're not left out!"

"Dear..." Dads says in the let-not-fool-anyone tone.

Before he can say whatever is on the tip of his tongue, Taylor comes marching through the restaurant, everyone flanked behind him. He's grinning, a tell that he's about to say something he thinks is funny. "Valet tried dropping us off at daycare."

I put my hand up, stopping their advance. "We're not eating here."

Mom and Dad object to the change of venue while Derek and Taylor throw their hands up, confused why they just waited in the car for ten minutes only to come in and find out we're leaving.

"We can eat at Carrabba's or Nagoya."

"I vote Nagoya," Derek says.

"Nagoya sounds great," I say, before anyone can interrupt. I see the irony but I don't care. The dynamics won't change overnight, so I might as well use my power for good.

I lean in close to Loren. "How much cash do you have?" He quickly pulls out his wallet. It's lined with crisp hundos. "Leave a grand, okay?"

Not wanting to argue during such a tense stand-off, Loren thumbs through the bills and tosses them on the table. There's definitely more than a thousand but I don't think he cares and neither do I.

"Alright," I say, motioning for everyone to start moving their hind sides. "To Nagoya we go."

My brothers lead everyone from the restaurant. Judging by the glare they nail me with, they've caught on and are not happy with the confrontation.

Loren brushes against me as we leave. "How awkward is tonight going to be?"

"It will be terrible, but changing toxic behavior is never easy and will probably make everyone uncomfortable for a while. Between you and me? I don't fucking care. My brothers deserve better."

And it is. The whole weekend is awkward. But we have to start somewhere.

****

"You got the wine?" I ask.

Loren holds up the expensive bottle. One of many he's been gifted over the years.

I deadpan. "I don't think a seven-month pregnant woman wants wine."

"No one says they have to drink it now. She won't be pregnant forever."

We've only been back from Wisconsin for less than sixty-hours. The party is going strong. We hug the soon-to-be bride and groom, then make our rounds.

Half way through, Loren finds me. He's had a few drinks. His cloudy eyes are showing every one of them. It's rare he's like this. It makes me smile. "'Dem two gotta get married before the baby pops. You know? I don't know what's in the water around here, but I think everyone is pregnant or getting married." He looks at Corey and his very pregnant wife, then at Isaac and his very pregnant girlfriend, then back at me with a lazy smirk. "Or both."

"It has been a crazy year, that's for sure."

He points his finger at me and glares. "Don't get any ideas."

"I didn't say anything."

He eyes me for a minute, then nods. "Just making sure."

Then we're jetting off to a small, private ceremony. Lily is what people might say 'pregnant as fuck' and as beautiful as ever in her white form fitting dress. "It's stretchy!" she says, pulling at the fabric as if we don't believe her.

Isaac's girlfriend stayed behind. A little further along and not as comfortable with traveling.

The resort is beautiful. Over-the-water-bungalows on a private beach. I asked how they obtained it on such short notice and they just shrugged. "It's the off season," Cole said, but I didn't believe him. I bet it cost a fortune.

The wedding is a quiet affair on the beach, surrounded by thirty of Corey and Lily's closest friends and family, including the last minute addition of Lars and Courtney, though they had to fly back early because of work.

We're chatting with Cole and Isaac when Loren looks up. His face lights up and he takes off across the beach.

Isaac looks up but rolls his eyes when he realizes nothing interesting is happening. "It's just Corey's parents."

I do a double take then quickly follow him, slow jogging across the soft sand. Loren sees me and waves for me to hurry. When I get to them, they're laughing.

Julia's eyes well with emotion, the look of absolute happiness. She points at me and her lip quivers. "You—" She wipes the tears from her cheek. "Thank you."

"Oh," I say, taken aback. "I don't know what I've done."

She hugs me. "You've loved on my Loren, and for that, I will be forever grateful."

"It's been easy."

Mike smiles and puts his arm around Loren. "Oh, we know. Easiest thing you've done."

Julia takes my arm and leads us to the gazebo with snacks and beverages while Mike and Loren follow behind. We end up sitting and talking for hours. It's easy to see why Loren was upset with me. How could you possibly feel ‌unloved when you have these two wonderful humans in your life?

I watch Loren as he chats away. He's so damn happy. I'm so damn happy with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with that man.

I can't help but hope that things are changing. I'm not talking about kids, though it's not lost on me that Courtney's not drinking. I know Loren is adamant about that, the not having kids, but he's open to marriage.

I have to take his lead on it, but it's coming. Mark my words. It's coming.

****

The bright orange sky fades to navy blue as the sun sinks lower. It's just the bride and groom's friends left. Loren pulls me to the middle of the tiki circle and starts dancing. Well, it's not really dancing as much as it's a public form of foreplay.

Lily and Corey dance their way over. She points to us and narrows her eyes. "You guys are next." It takes us a second, so she gestures at the event. Wedding.

"Not on your life," Loren says without breaking from his moves.

Lily rolls her eyes and looks at me. "You should really break him of that. It's a terrible habit."

"No, no, no." Loren waves a drunk finger at her. "He knows the score."

They both wave his drunk ass off and then dance their way to the next couple. I bite his ear. "You know, I'm fine not getting married, but you could stop being so dramatic when someone brings it up."

"Just don't want anyone to get ideas."

"Trust me, there are no ideas being had."

"Good."

This year has really driven home all the things I don't get to have. I want to be married and have kids, but I want Loren more. A lot more. And that's okay, more than okay. There are so many other things we get to do.

I bite his ear again. "Let's make living together official."

He stills for a moment as he takes in my words. "I like what we have going."

"I like it, too. But I'd like something more than staying at each other's houses. I'm retired. We're not juggling schedules like we used to. It doesn't matter where I'm at. It's the perfect time to make something more permanent."

The coast breeze picks up. He turns around, his hair fluttering, his eyes wide like a deer. "Jay..."

"What?"

"I like what we have going," he repeats as if he's reprimanding a child for not listening to the first time.

I can't fully tell if he's serious or just being an overly dramatic Loren. I smile anyway. "And I want something more permanent."

"You said you weren't going to pressure me. I'm feeling very pressured right now. This is coming out of left field."

I wait for him to crack a smile because there's no way he's serious right now.

And I wait.

"I'm not blindsiding you. We've been dating for over four years, practically living with each other for three. You've already put your foot down about marriage and kids. If we can't live together, then what the hell are we even doing?"

He runs his fingers through his hair. "I'm not ready to live with you full time. I need my own space."

I take a few steps back. "You're fucking serious right now?"

He looks around, then steps closer and tries to hush me. "This isn't the best time."

"Why? Because it's inconvenient for you?"

He points to his friends, some of which are watching us, some of which are pretending not to. "Yeah, kind of."

I shake my head. I can't believe it. "It's one thing to give up things you want because committed relationships are about compromise. It's a kick in the balls to realize it was never about compromising in the first place. It's about one person getting everything they want and the other person getting scraps and telling themselves it's a feast."

"Jay—"

"Name one thing you've compromised on?"

"The fact we're in a relationship to begin with."

Isaac rushes over and covers Loren's mouth with his hand. He looks panicked. "He's drunk. You've seen him drinking tonight and you know says stupid fucking shit when he drinks."

He's not that drunk and he doesn't say stupid shit when he drinks. But it's too late. Words said can't be unheard and all that.

Loren is stone faced. I can't read him at all. If I had to guess, he knows he screwed up, but he's too proud to admit it in front of his friends. I'm not sure it matters at this point. If he can't compromise or drop his pride, then it only proves everything I'm finally realizing.

I take a few more steps away. Nothing like a slight change in perspective to show you what a naïve imbecile you've been. A hopeless romantic from the beginning. Willing to give it all up for a chance at happiness.

But whose happiness?

He says I know the score. Well, I don't. I've been in the wrong field, playing the wrong game, reading the wrong playbook.

I look at Loren. "Now I know the score."

****

I lean back against the sofa and watch the door. I half expected Loren to follow me back to the room, but I think his friends waylaid him. Hopefully, they talked some sense into him.

The deck creaks as they come back from the beach. Hushed voices say their goodnights and doors close one by one. Our door opens slowly, stopping when it hits my duffle bag. Loren looks down and pushes the bag out of the way with his foot. He looks at me in confusion. "You're leaving?"

"I am."

He rolls his eyes disbelievingly. Of course he doesn't believe me. Why would he? The last four years have been about him. I've been Jay; the giver. I've yielded to his every want and need. I haven't put my foot down about much of anything, afraid that he'd get scared and run off. I didn't even hold Carson for weeks!

"You knew from the beginning that I didn't do relationships. Now you're acting like this is brand new information."

"That line became a copout a long time ago, Loren. You're not with someone for this long if you don't 'do relationships'. And let's remember that I walked away from you in the beginning. I let you go because you said it would never work. It was you who came back to me. Even then, I said no. Remember? I didn't want it to be 'everything else' and then me all the way at the bottom. But you picked me. And you did that knowing my score. So how is it that we're four years later, and I'm back at the bottom of your list-of-importance's?"

His jaw ticks. "Don't be like that. You're not at the bottom and you know it. You know that's not true."

"Then where do I need to be to have my wants taken into consideration? Where do I need to be for you to stop telling me to 'not to get any ideas' every five seconds and actually consider that I was giving up a huge part of my life's dream for you? You can't even fathom living together! News flash, we're not in high school anymore. We're adults. Adults live together. You're willing to start a business with me, but you're not willing to share a fucking mortgage?"

Loren throws his hands in the air. "Fine, if it's that big of a deal, let's move in together! Sell your house and move into mine. I don't care! If I would've known it was this big of a deal, I would've said yes. Fuck!"

I walk to the door and collect my bag. "You're a fucking child. And I think you were right; you do need space. A lot more space than I can give you." I close the door behind me and walk to land.

The old wooden boards bend and creak as he picks up speed behind me. "Jay, wait up."

I keep walking.

"God dammit, Jay!"

The Uber is waiting, blinding me with his damn headlights. I walk around, toss my bag in the back seat, and slide in. Loren grabs the door before I can close it. For the first time all night, he's wearing real emotion. Panic. "Where are you going?"

"Home. My home."

"Don't leave," he pleads. "Don't leave like this."

"There's nothing to stay for."

"Me. Stay for me."

I laugh. "It's always been about you, Loren. That's the problem."

"Fuck you. I care about you more than I care about anyone else!"

"By your own accounts, that's not much."

And more so, it's not enough.

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