Jazz Man

Kim never, ever said anything negative about Shawn's father when he was present, but since he was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, she told Kyle why he no longer lived there.

"Wow. I...I can't even imagine."

"It was...difficult...to see," Kim replied.

"Yes. That, too, but I was referring to any man cheating on someone as kind and...beautiful as you, Kim."

He looked right at her as he calmly and quietly said those words, and the way he said them forced her to break eye contact and look down at her coffee cup.

"If I had someone like you in my life, and a son like Shawn, nothing on earth could ever tear me away from you."

Kim looked back over at him just as he added, "Either of you."

She realized her heart was beating faster, and as she looked at Kyle, she understood why. But she also understood that even though he was being sincere, he was still a very young man who could say such things to a woman her age without any hint of a deeper meaning; a meaning along the lines of maybe...wanting to get to know her better.

"I...I was wondering how you ended up playing an instrument for the Army," she said, hoping to move the conversation to something less...uncomfortable.

Kyle laughed, sighed, then told her about the Christmas party and the audition.

"So you went from the infantry to..."

"The saxophone," he said, finishing her thought as he laughed about it. "Yep. From ground pounder to...band geek."

Kim smiled then said, "I...I kind of knick named you...Jazz Man. After hearing you at the park."

Kyle laughed loudly enough that Shawn, who was now in his PJs, came back out to see what was so funny.

Kyle leaned his way then whispered rather loudly, "Your mom calls me Jazz Man."

"She does?"

"What's wrong with that?" his mom replied, a little defensively, but mostly in fun.

Shawn looked to Kyle because he had no idea why it might be inappropriate.

"Nothing," Kyle told her. "Nothing at all."

"I'm confused!" Shawn said.

"No, you're going to bed!" his mom insisted.

"Night, buddy," Kyle told him again before Shawn gave his mother one more hug.

Kyle looked at his wristwatch then said, "It's getting late, isn't it?"

Kim kind of winced then said, "Pretty pathetic, huh?"

"No. Not at all," Kyle replied so quietly and so understandingly that it made her body quiver this time.

"You work hard to take care of your son, and while it may not feel very glamorous, you do a very important job for people too old to take care of themselves. I'm sure most of them are very appreciative of that."

That part was true. Many of them often told her how much they appreciated what she did for them. And sadly, many said they saw her more like a daughter of their own than one of their biological children who never or maybe rarely came to visit.

Kim shared the latter part of that with Kyle who shook his head.

"I know there are circumstances that make visiting impossible. Like...being in the Army. But I don't know how anyone could let their parent endure that kind of loneliness if there was any way they could get there and spend some time with them."

"We have plenty like that. But we also have some whose adult children come every day or several times a week. One 65-year old woman even drives a hundred miles every weekend to see her 89-year old father."

She watched Kyle's face who seemed to be thinking.

"Do you think they'd let me play for them?"

"What? Yes. Yes, of course. They'd love that!"

He asked for the name of the home and told Kim he'd stop by there in the next day or two and see what he'd need to do to make that happen.

"You are going to make a lot of people very happy, Kyle," she told him as he said he again he should be going. "Just like my son."

Kyle started to turn around but stopped then asked with a smile, "But...how'd I do with his mom?"

Kim was so surprised by his question that he mistook her being tongue tied for inappropriateness.

"Sorry. I hope I didn't offend you," he told her quietly as he finished turning around.

Kim's mind was racing as she walked a step behind him. She wanted to tell him he'd made a very good impression on her, but she was afraid it would sound like she was flirting. But there was a part of her that seemed to want to flirt, or at least let him know that she found him...

She knew she wouldn't say 'attractive' for the same reason, and 'nice' seemed trite.

When they got to the front door, Kyle turned around again, but the look on his face was different. It was as though the entire dynamic between them had somehow changed, but the only possible reason was because of the question he'd asked and that she'd avoided answering.

He began thanking her again for having him over and for the coffee—and the conversation—when Kim spoke before he could finish.

"You...you made a...a very good impression on me, Kyle," she told him even as she wished she could recall her words.

She quickly looked down but needed to see his reaction, so she looked up at him again only to see him smiling the way he'd done all evening.

"I uh, I think maybe I might have...misread things a little," he told her as though he were apologizing for something.

"I...I don't understand," Kim said, her eyes rapidly moving from one eye to the other.

"I believe I may have...assumed...that you might, that you could possibly..."

"Yes?"

"I suppose I was hoping that you might have...similar feelings."

Kyle saw her stunned look and realized she didn't understand.

"For me."

"For...you?" Kim asked as her heart raced and her eyes darted back and forth between his.

"Yes. I think maybe I was wishing that you felt the same way about me that I feel about you," he explained, an explanation that caused both another shiver and a quiver.

"Feelings as in...romantic...feelings?" Kim asked, her mouth dry and barely able to speak.

"Pretty ridiculous, huh?" Kyle said, as though it was now obvious that any such idea really was ridiculous.

"I don't think I understand. At all," Kim quietly replied as he continued staring into her eyes.

"Which part? Romantic or feelings?"

"You have...romantic feelings. For...me?"

Kyle tilted his head a little, raised one eyebrow, then said, "I...I kinda do."

"I...I still don't understand."

"You've never dated a younger man, have you?" he asked as gently as he could.

"Well, no. Or...yes. I...I dated a junior when I was a senior in high school."

Kyle was able to keep from laughing, but he couldn't help smiling.

"When I was in Germany, I dated an older woman."

He paused then said, "Much older. Than me."

"Oh," Kim said, not knowing what else to say.

"So, to me, it's no big deal. But I can tell it is for you, or maybe it's not the age as much as it is me?"

His second sentence started out as a statement but ended up as a question.

"My younger guy was only 14 months younger," Kim managed to say.

"Well, I'm 25, so..."

"Oh...my...goodness," Kim said, slowly and one word at a time.

"That's a little more than 14 months, isn't it?" Kyle said with a gentle smile.

"That's...that's...14...years," Kim said, the words themselves surprising her as much as the meaning they conveyed.

Kyle cocked his head a little as though he were thinking then said, "Fourteen. That's the same about there was between Hannah and me."

"Kyle? What exactly are you saying?" Kim asked, as her heart began beating even faster than before.

He slowly reached out with one hand until it touched the sleeve of her sweater then said, "I'm trying, albeit rather abysmally, to tell you that I like you, Kim. And that I'd like to...ask you out."

"Ask me out. As in...a date...ask me out?"

"That is how it works, right?"

"But...I'm...and you're... I mean, we're..."

"Adults?"

Kim never took her eyes off of him, but rather than keep pushing his luck, Kyle said, "Would you at least think about it?"

"Please?"

Too confused to say what she really wanted to say, and unable to even know what that might be, she only said one word, and it was spoken so quietly Kyle barely heard her.

"Okay."

"Then I'll say goodnight and leave you alone."

He smiled then added, "For a day or two. Is that okay?"

Kim nodded but her mouth now felt like she had cotton balls in it and couldn't say anything.

"Good night. And thank you again, Kim."

He opened the door and let himself out, and once he was gone, Kim shut it and just stood there, her back to the door, unable to think at all as she tried to understand what had happened and happened so quickly.

In the space of the two minutes she stood there, Kim felt embarrassment, joy, foolishness, hope, angry with herself, amused, frustrated, happy, and several other things she couldn't quantify. Unable to sort through any of it, she moved away from the door, suddenly so tired she could barely keep her eyes open.

Things didn't get any better during the next two days during which a part of her silently hoped and prayed Kyle wouldn't call back, because that would make the constant state of confusion in her mind go away. But another part of her yearned to hear his voice, and although even that part of her wouldn't admit it, to hear him tell her again that she was beautiful and that he really did want go out with her.

Shawn only contributed to her mental turmoil by asking if Kyle had called yet four different times. Was he coming back over? Would there be another lesson?

It was obvious her son had a 'man crush' on the older male who was filling the role of a much older man who should be there for him. But that man would probably never be there for his son, and Kyle was. Unless, of course, he wasn't being sincere, and after 48 hours passed without a word, Kim began wondering if that might be true.

It was almost 9pm on Thursday, and Kim had fallen asleep in the recliner again. Totally out of it, something seemed to be waking her up, but it took her a few seconds to realize her phone was ringing. It was on the lamp stand beside her, and when she saw 'Kyle' with the one eye she'd opened, a shot of adrenaline coursed through her.

"Hello?" she said, as she sat up straight just as Shawn came running in.

"Kim? Hi. It's Kyle."

"Mom. Is that Kyle?"

Kyle heard him ask and also heard his mom say, "Shhh!"

"Yes. Hi. How are you?" she asked, as Shawn stood there grinning.

"Good, thank you. I'm sorry for calling so late. I know you go to bed early, but I..."

"No. This is fine. I was just...relaxing," she told him, knowing it was a little white lie.

"Oh, good. I said I'd call within a day or two, and the truth is I wanted to call you as soon as I got home on Tuesday then again all day Wednesday. But I knew I needed to give you time to think, so I held off until now."

"Oh," Kim said, embarrassed for sounding so...embarrassing.

"I hope your response doesn't mean you thought it through and decided you don't want to see me again," he said cautiously.

"What? No. I...I'm sorry for the blah response. I didn't mean it like that. I think maybe I'm still just a little confused about...all this."

Before Kyle could respond, Kim said, "Not that there's any 'this'. I just mean that I don't really understand what's going on. Or...why."

She could tell Kyle was smiling, and she also knew her heart was beating faster again.

"So far, anyway, there isn't any 'this', but that's why I'm calling. Well, that and I'd like to keep working with Shawn no matter what you say, but I really was hoping that you might be willing to at least let me take you out sometime."

"Mom. Is he coming back over?" Shawn asked, something else Kyle heard.

Kyle wasn't sure how it would go over but decided to say it anyway.

"Yeah, Mom. Is Kyle coming back over?"

"Et tu, Brute?" Kim asked, trying not to laugh.

"It's a valid question," Kyle said very authoritatively. "And...inquiring minds want to know."

This time, Kim couldn't help herself and she laughed.

"That sounds like a 'yes'!" Kyle said, egging her on in the nicest possible way.

"Okay. Yes. You can...come over again," Kim said as though she was really making some huge sacrifice.

Kyle heard Shawn call out 'YES' and laughed again.

"Great. But what about my other question?" Kyle asked in a flirty way.

"Oh, right. That question."

"Uh-huh. That question. The...you and me...question."

Kim came very close to blurting out, "I'd love to!" but instead said, "how about you come over again to work with Shawn and we'll see?"

"Okay. If that's what it takes to win you over, that's fine," Kyle replied as though he were now making some huge personal sacrifice of his own.

Kim laughed again, mostly out of nervousness, then said something she probably shouldn't have.

"I really am looking forward to seeing you again, Kyle."

When he said, "YES!" just like Shawn had, Kim laughed so hard she had to cover her mouth.

"Goofball!" she said, as she continued laughing and smiling.

"Hey, I'm willing to make a fool out of myself, too, if that's what it takes."

Kyle's voice was again calm and steady, and the way he said it gave her goose bumps.

"When would you like to come over? To help Shawn," Kim asked.

"Is tomorrow okay? Unless you have a hot date lined up."

Kim let out a 'ha!' then said, "Hot date. You're very funny!"

"Funny? Why are you bringing up my looks?" Kyle said as though he'd just been deeply offended.

It took Kim a second to get it, but she laughed loudly again as soon as she did.

"Right. Says the handsome, younger guy who could go out with anyone he wants to!"

Kyle got serious again then told her, "I already know who that is. I just need to find a way to get her to feel the same about me."

"Oh," Kim said again, suddenly silent and feeling something she hadn't in a very long time.

"Is seven okay?" Kyle asked.

"Um, yes. Seven is fine."

Kim hesitated then said, "Unless you'd like to join us for dinner."

Kyle heard another loud "YES!" from Shawn and laughed.

"I'd love to. Can I bring something? A bottle of wine maybe?"

"If...you don't have to do that, Kyle."

"Red or white?" he asked, the 'spring' back in his voice.

"Red?" Kim said more as a question.

"Red it is. And I'll see you at...six?"

"Yes. Six o'clock. For dinner."

"Okay. I'll see you...both of you...then. Goodnight, Kim. And Shawn!" he said a little louder and got a, "bye, Kyle!" back from Shawn.

"Goodnight," she said so quietly Kyle barely heard her before ending the call and immediately getting peppered with questions from her son.

It was 10 o'clock before Kim went to bed, and when she did her mind was still racing. At some point she told herself that enough was enough.

"It's just dinner. And it's just someone helping Shawn learn to play better. That's it. There's nothing more to it."

Somehow it worked well enough to let her fall asleep, but within minutes of waking up, her mind was all over the map again.

"Why is this such a big deal?" she tried asking herself. "It's not like you're going to marry this guy."

But as soon as she told herself that, she thought, "How do you know that?"

That then made her ask what difference it made even if something that unlikely were to happen.

"Because he's too young!" came the answer from 'who' ever it was that could say things to her that wasn't...her. Which made even less sense than her senseless worrying.

"Too young for what?" the other 'person' in her head shot back.

"For me!" Person #1 replied.

"Based on what? Do you have some kind of magic age formula or something?" Person #2 countered.

"We don't need a formula!" #1 said with an attitude. "Anyone with half a brain just knows what I'm saying is true!"

"Says the one with half a brain!" #2 said sarcastically.

"STOP!" Kim told them both, not sure who 'she' was or who 'they' were, tired of them both.

She had to get ready to go to work and still had to get Shawn fed and his lunch packed. And she had to decide what to make for dinner, and just as importantly, what to wear.

"If you didn't like him, you wouldn't care what you wore," one of the 'people' in her head said.

"I don't like him!" Kim said out loud just as Shawn walked into the kitchen where she was sitting.

"Who don't you like, Mom?"

"Oh. Shawn. Sorry, honey. I was just thinking about...something."

"Oh, okay. Can I have Frosted Flakes?"

Kim smiled at her son, and for a brief moment, things seemed normal again. But only for a moment.

"Kyle's coming over tonight, right Mom?" Shawn said excitedly as he got the cereal box out of the pantry.

"Yes. Yes, he is," his mom replied before sighing loudly.

"Mom? Do you think Kyle is handsome?"

The question shocked his mom who shook her head then said, "What?"

"Kyle. Is he handsome?"

"Why would you ask me that?"

Shawn didn't look at her as he poured cereal into his bowl but said, "Well, you're pretty, and if he's handsome, couldn't you, you know, like go out or something?"

"Go out?" his mother asked, a wide-eyed look of surprise on her face even though she'd been thinking about the very same thing just moments ago.

She threw up her hands then said, "Shawn Patrick Cook, where is this coming from?"

"From my brain!" her son told her as he opened the fridge to get some milk.

"Maybe your brain needs to be checked," his mom replied with a smile.

"I see the way you look at him," her son informed her.

"The way I...look at him. I don't have a...way."

"Yes you do. You get all...gooey."

"Oh, my goodness! You...you're..."

"Right?" Shawn said with a big old grin that made his mom realize her son might just be right.

She shook her head and gave up trying to prove him wrong, because somewhere deep inside her, she knew Shawn was right. She couldn't admit it to herself yet, but it was true.

Kyle was handsome, and she probably did look at him like that. But she told herself it was only because he was the first man, of any age, to really take an interest in her. And more importantly, in her son.

But that wasn't true, and she knew it. There had been three other men since her husband moved out who'd shown interest in her. Two of them had shown a lot of interest. She just hadn't shown any back and only a small amount to the third who gave up trying.

"Eat your cereal," Kim finally said, knowing she was losing this battle; a battle she couldn't believe she was even fighting and got up to take a shower and get ready.

With money always an issue, Kim bought a couple of boxes of pasta, a jar of spaghetti sauce, and a loaf of French bread for dinner after work, and hoped it would be enough. Shawn always wanted meatballs, and while she couldn't really afford it, she bought just enough ground beef to let him and Kyle have three apiece.

With dinner settled, she turned her attention to clothes, and after a 20-minute battle decided on a black blouse that was nearly sheer from just above her breasts to her neck. It looked nice on her, and she thought it might even be a little sexy, but she told herself she was just trying to look her best without asking why she was doing that.

The voices in her head had left her alone all day once she got busy, and now it was too late to fret about things. She got dressed, brushed out her hair, then added a bit of mascara, a hint of gray eye shadow, and some lip gloss. Just to look her best, of course.

When Shawn saw her, she got the same reaction from him as she did on Tuesday. Only this time he added, "Kyle is gonna love that top, Mom!"

She wanted to tell him that wasn't why she was wearing it, but something stopped her because it was the only reason she'd chosen it. But before she could get down-and-dirty honest with herself, the doorbell rang, and Kim smiled as Shawn once again ran to the open it. Without checking to see who it was, Shawn flung the door open, and Kyle smiled when he saw the boy staring up at him with that look in his eye that told him he idolized the older man.