All Comments on 'JC and the Three Clowns'

We’ve seen the semi-super guy with money, wit, and self-control as well as with fawning model types as warm and wet landing places before. Usable enough convention. Your attempts to give voice to your hero and to enrich the plot are a bit clumsy though. The story was enough fun to watch for your name as you produce new ones.

First off, I enjoyed your story very much, the only problem was his Navy rank.

His rank, as described, was actually IT2. He was an E5, a 2nd class petty officer, in the IT rateing and would have been called IT2 Fahlberg.

Finally a another very funny story!....The funny parts (Too many to name)..From a very appreciative Dog..WOOF!★★★★★

It seems you were going for humor, but repeating the same semi-clever terms and making the same statements to two different women is simply repetitious. It was a nice try at sexual innuendo and flirting, but it was far too heavy handed. Good try, though.

This guy is so in love with himself that one wonders what made her think he could ever love anyone else. Not one word of explanation, regret, recrimination, or discussion. It was so mechanical and automatic that there was no plot, no drama, and no emotion. The author was so enthralled with being clever and witty and humorous that he seemed to forget that this was supposed to be a story about a failed marriage. This was a story about a failed story.

He obviously does not care to learn why his wife cheated, why his marriage failed, or what he could have should have might have done to save his marriage or at least try to understand what went wrong with their relationship.

This story ends up being a silly contrived cartoon with no depth and no substance. And yet it consumed 3 pages of perfectly good electrons. The waste wasn't produced by the dog, it was produced by this author.

fun story, but way too verbose.

I think you have the raw material for a 750 word story here! Maybe only 500 words. Really, I am sure you find yourself quite the wordsmith. Next time concentrate on quality rather than quantity.

2*

With the exception of a few paragraphs towards the end, the entire story is an endless mix of internal and actual witty repartee. All the wronged spouses are beautiful, moneyed, and witty. It gets a little tiresome. Maybe next time mix in a little narrative.

"I suppose some people would say that I should have dragged both guys off my wife and beat the shit out of them." - If he attacks TWO of them, HE'S liable to get the shit beaten out of HIM, then since attacked them, HE'D get the A/B charge!

"Maybe my intuitions were off, but I doubt it." - "Maybe?" Since you're telling the story about the past, you KNOW that they weren't off!

Was only okay to begin with, then you unleashed a torrent of cliches, not one, but TWO hotter, richer women are available and interested, and all three have iron-clad prenups. He's some sort of a business prodigy, and the three cheaters apparently ran out of the house naked(?), only to slip and fall in a pile of Great Dane dog shit and need to be hosed off!

Then, these two hot, well-to-do if not wealthy women, decide that he's SO much better than ANYONE that they possibly get, that they'd rather live with him in a menage-a-trois rather than even try?

Never mind suspension of disbelief, we've entered the Twilight Zone!

On the other hand, it was light and amusing, and didn’t take itself too seriously. Plus you get extra credit for the Jerry Pournelle/John Christian Falkenberg reference. So **** for this one.

Lacks emotional depth. So reader response is not too good. Thanks for the effort.

That’s not the way the world works...but it should be 😁

its a contraction of fucking retard

I bailed after 1.5 pages

I don't think you intended for this to be taken seriously. Was supposed to be humor? Seemed like humor to me. It's a tough genre. Few do it well. HDK, who commented earlier, is the master. There needs to be a gift for understatement and the absurd. Keep trying. All the best, Randi.

Too much attempt at humour during something that would be a crisis. Just doesn't fit. And it went on and on and on and ?

Thank you for this effort WAH. You have talent. It needs some practical skills at writing. Maybe a class or two at the local school.

Whatever you do, don't stop writing and posting. That's the only way to improve.

Good luck Mr. WAH, lol.

AMerryman

Well, I have to admit that this is the first time I've actually liked all of the cheaters in a story far. far more than the cheated protagonist. It's been close in other stories, but this one is absolutely no contest. What a self-satisfied, self-important prick your protagonist is! And could the author be more happy with his own cleverness? That Corvette should get intimate with a telephone pole at a high rate of speed.

The main problem with this story is that the cheating slut didn't go all gonzo on the protagonist and scar him forever, or, at the very least, give him something more interesting to ruminate on than himself. Yuck. Absolutely no one to like in this one.

I’ve been around 70 years and I’ve yet to meet one person who talks and rants like this guy — let alone the two women. Sorry, Not believable. SF VETOA

While I agree with you that the story was obnoxious, I take issue with, "He obviously does not care to learn why his wife cheated, why his marriage failed, or what he could have should have might have done to save his marriage or at least try to understand what went wrong with their relationship."

Who cares why the slut is cheating on him, not with one guy but TWO?

What HE could have done to save his marriage? Besides not marrying a stupid slut? Not much!

You had a good thing going but you seemed to beat it to death. Too many clever words. Which seems strange to say when you actually say it. But you did it. Repeatedly. It was like too clever all the time. I would have liked to know more about the reason his wife decided to fuck both her neighbor and her Boss. AND at the same time. AND was stupid enough to do it at her home when she really didn't know when her husband might appear. Why would she be fucking her unattractive Boss? Why would she take a chance and fuck her neighbor's husband? Those are the questions I wanted answered. But we heard practically nothing from them. And then you slid into home base by ending with the threesome. That was like squirting whip creme onto a frosted cake. Too much. Well written, but over done. And when I see "cc" I think "closed caption", "carbon copy" and "send a duplicate to someone".

After the first half of the first page, there was a bit of comedy then a tiny bit of story then the rest was dog shit since there were no bulls in this story.

Sorry but that was my take on this story.

T.T.

The wife didn't get enough screen time for me to have any sense of who she is or why I should care about their marriage. The only thing this story really established is that the husband is an asshole who thinks he's a lot funnier than he is, and that he might not have cheated, but his reaction makes clear that he certainly doesn't give any more of a fuck about their marriage than the wife did (so why should I care about it?).

Is talking a free action in this world? I kept waiting for a sentence mentioning how the culprits had wandered off, but no, apparently everyone else in the world just stands around and waits for this guy to stop talking.

My default rating for every story is 3. By default a story is neither good or bad, it's average.

<P>

At first you seemed headed towards a 4. And then Janet and Jace started talking and talking and talking, and not really saying much. It dropped back to a 3. Then he called Beverly, and, well, yeah, it ended up as a 2.

It’s OK if characters talk, but the conversations need to propel the plot. Neither the characters nor the author are as clever as they think.

You have the makings of a fine writer.

But sometimes less is more, if you see what I mean.

Too much of the husband, not enough of the wife, for example.

The farther into the story I read, the less I liked the protagonist. Arrogant doesn't quite begin to describe him. Make him more appealing and it would be a better story. Thanks for writing though.

the story.

In my case, I'd like to suggest that the main characters were too perfect, as some one said... the possibilities of a less than perfect protagonist, and less than perfect female characters, in this story is that you play against expectations, and so the frisson of the unexpected connection lightens the dialog, and motivates us to root for the meeting of not stellar specimens. If your male lead was characterized as a geek, then the language is more motivated, and if the repartee was reciprocated by even a stellar female character, it gives a more positive spin on things.

Stev2244 in "Mismatched" did something like this, but it was the "big dick" meme he was laundering through the cluelessness of the lead... I am suggesting that defusing the arrogance of your lead by making the flirting more improbable might make him more relate-able. Less "I don't flirt with married women 'cause I'm so moral" and more "I flirt and don't expect anyone to take me seriously, due to obvious lack of massive studliness on my part" might help.

Some plotting seemed clunky - the lead had massive discussions with Janet, and the three "clowns" just huddled outside? For how long? No actions on their part? I mean, there was maybe one and a half lines of dialog between the three of them (I am not counting words said by anyone else in their behalf...). There was some stuff that was dicey in intent - why all the blather about short guys? It came off as small minded. Lastly, I'd watch some movies on the repartee thing - the redundancy has been brought up, but the girls seemed to be fairly withdrawn in the repartee game... in real life, it doesn't work if the girls are not major contributors.

I could go on... but "surf and turf"? On a date with a mover and shaker you have them eat "surf and turf"?

It could be that you wanted a story stuffed with "clowns"... and made the protagonist a clown as a meta irony. If so, I missed the intent... while I like to think I support any literary wrinkle you might come up with, I'm not sure that Lit is ready for an entire dramatis personae list composed of tools... but I may, if I decide that you are in fact taking the mickey on the entire Lit universe. Hard to let anyone know that is what you are up to, if that is the case. I have to think on that one...

Green-something

Your first effort wasn't bad, so I gave this story a try. As has been mentioned previously, there's just too much yammering; cramming in a bunch of unnecessary words doesn't make a mediocre story better, it just makes it longer and more painful. Take a look at some of the top writers here, and take a lesson from them. Come up with a better, more compelling story, and tell it succinctly, and you'll turn out a much more enjoyable read.

I understand the husbands reaction in regards to his mindset, (not bothering to interrupt, not wanting to be someone that doesn't want to be with him, ect, ect), but there isn't much there that fleshes out the relationship between husband, and wife, and that takes away from the impact. Honestly, it reads more like someone that found their maid in breach of contract, and fired her, and that makes him look like kind of an asshole

Well, I s’pose Devil Anse would be.

Three people in a Corvette? That’s a huge mistake!

Others have commented on the cheated on being utterly awesome, great-looking and wealthy, while the cheaters were all average, at best, and dependent upon their spouses for real support.

What we really need is a period piece, late nineteenth, early twentieth century from Devil Anse, eastern Kentucky, West Virginia border region. You can do it!

better than most we see around here. Keep writing.

This must be a model I have not seen. It can seat 3 people, 2 women in full regalia.

The one I drove could seat only 2

You took a painful experience and turned it into a very humorous story. Liked it and was fun to read. Thanks for posting.

My God you made it seem like cheating on him was the best thing that happened to him!

I couldn't finish it.

Here is what you need to understand: good stories have conflict. This had nothing but unbelievable people incredibly happy to be with each other.

This is worse than Stangstar. Stangstars heroes also always came out ahead. But the men felt pain, there was usually a struggle and the characters were more interesting than this. Keep practicing.

On and on and on........

Had that makings of a good story, but you killed it with too much BS!

Just like a group of people milling around UNTIL Someone puts Their hand up and Say their 2 cents worth!...Ok Here Goes!....Bloody Hell I have never seen so many Well known Authors shoot this New Author Down!....I found this story to be a breath of fresh air....Sure it's an overkill in Many ways!...But You know what?....I enjoyed it....Please give this guy a chance....PD.55..WOOF

The story started out great, but went on too long, and too much talking. This story should have been two pages at most. Nevertheless, this writer has potential, if he can be more sparing with the diologue. Three stars.

I was enjoying the story reasonably well until he started interacting with Janet and then when you added the 2nd wife in, it got even harder to get through.

Here are some areas that I think you could improve on, some of which others have pointed out:

- repeating things... if the narrator discusses it with the reader and you then have him say the same thing in dialog, it is a bit distracting to the reader... if you do it twice they will hate you for it... If you feel it is important to let the reader know that the MC talked about a known topic, it's better to do it "in passing" like "I told Janet the names I gave the three clowns" rather then showing him doing it...

- excessively long dialog at a point where dialog would not logically be drawn out... think about the context, the action taking place, the situation the characters are in.. when 3 people are flopping around in dog shit, they will most likely NOT take 10 minutes to have a conversation or make lengthy speeches...

- dialog needs to be appropriate to the time and place... is it logical to be flirting with women who just caught their husbands IN THE ACT while the spouses are still there, naked in the front yard covered in dog feces? Probably not...

- don't feel the need to explain everything so much... it makes your readers feel like you think they're stupid... most like to fill in the gaps a bit. you don't need to spoon feed them so many points

- even when writing humor and parody it is important for situations and especially dialog to be realistic. try reading your dialog out loud and ask yourself... if I were in that situation, would I talk about these things or say these things? would a normal person do or say things this way at this time?

It was a funny story with a cute idea. It would have been much better if you had cut the dialog down to just a few comments with each woman. Keep it up and don't let the negative feedback get you down.

KB

ZZZZZZZZZ

Write on the blackboard 100 times "Profanity is not funny. It is just profanity."

No, he and Janet were meeting Beverly at the Country Club, so she got there on her own, presumably had her own ride back, as well.

Considering that this is just your second posting on LW, and only a few days removed from the first, it confirms the lofty impression you made with your debut, 'Exit Strategy' (I refer to version 1, not 2). BUT, here in "JC" your earlier economy with words isn't apparent and it made it slightly less readable than Exit #1.

Keep in mind, LESS IS MORE, particularly when it comes to writing style and impact.

That said, please keep them coming. The scores reflect that I'm not the only reader here who looks forward to your fine efforts.

I didn't read this for a couple of days because I thought it was about real clowns, like circus clowns. I hate clowns, clowns are creepy and I avoid them. When I read the storynded, I actually enjoyed it. I would.have liked to know a little bit more about Sleazy, her motivations, and her excuses. Too much flirting and cute talk among the three spouses. Otherwise, pretty good. You got a lot of good, if heavy handed , advice from some accomplished authors. Use the advice nd keep writing. You definitely have some talent.

But tedious as said before about repeating and repeating. It seems none of the 3 faultless wronged people loved their cheating spouses anyway. All so ready to walk away, although admit cheating is hard to overlook. You missed some great opportunities for story parts, but you preferred them to say not so humourous lines.

Keep writing, but maybe move to a different category. LW cheaters is a hard one to get right, espevially if you try for humour.

Wordy-wordy-wordy! The verbiage at the scene at the front door, where the three shit-covered “clowns” are lying about, takes several minutes to read. Yah think it took that long for the three to sit up, stand up, and take off? In reality it would taken a 45 seconds, max, to get up.

And, since no mention was made of them trying to put clothes on escaping from the bedroom, I assume they’re naked? Or maybe they grabbed clothes and were putting it on their shit covered bodies while on the front porch? All the while John and Janet have a multi-minute dialogue watching over them. I assume they’re in a rush, so another minute to put on slacks and a shirt?

The timing of things doesn’t really matter, usually in a story, but 5-7 minutes of external dialogue (vs internal, where a lot can be said in the head over a short time), in a place where a minute or two max actually occurs is too much of a stretch for, at least my, suspension of disbelief.

2-stars.

Much ado about nothing.

i suppose all that jibber jabber in between catching them in the act and hosing them off was supposed to make your story clever and amusing but it didn't.

...with other comments about being too wordy. The story was flowing good until I got to the part where the three cheaters were slipping and sliding in the dog crap. Then the dialog just went on and on and on, until I lost interest and skimmed the rest. Not sure why the wife was running out of the house either. Anyway, 3 stars. Thanx!

Loklie

Sorry lost the whole effect of a cheating spouse story

Sorry to say, this one was way over my pay-grade. Was supposed to be humorous I guess? Grammar was top notch, then the rest was funny . not.

Regardless, it was ok.

FWW

Yarp, yarp yarp, bloody yarp. Shut up!

Talk, talk, talk, yak-yak-yak, yadda yadda yadda. Fuck off!

Doesn't work as a conventional Literotica btb story or as a sature on same. Your first effort, the one that did not need a rewrite, was much better imho.

No, but it does come with a vibrating attachment

We really need a light hearted humorous story occasionally and this is one. I thought it was hilarious. There was enough dirt to know what was going on with out all the gory details. Good job.

I have to confess that I really enjoy stories where the authors write with humor and tongue in cheek style. Okay, so I like to smile. Thanks for sharing. Top marks.

Was he even bothered he found her cheating? Didn't appear so.

All he did was talk. And talk and talk :/

I have been reading literotica stories for quite some time. It is a pleasure to read a well written and enjoyable tale. Typically, literotica stories are full of spelling and punctuation errors. Even the use of simple prepositions seem to baffle most authors. Most writers take pains to thank their editors. I have to wonder, in some cases, what good is editing when the outcome is the misuse of, for example, to and too. I know a lot of the guilty writers take exception to criticism of their writing. They usually try to minimize potential criticism as not important. The attitude being, "get over it". I would say, to these characters, at a minimum, use spell check. Sorry for preaching in your space, author, but some writing is just pure crap.

U seem to love the sound of your own voice ( I am sure u use MC Dictaphone)...

This story had absolutely no substance ( just like all ur other stories)....and it could have finished in half a page...

But....as I said earlier ....u need to do something about your verbal diarrhoea ( or writer’s diarrhoea...and be to the point...

Else the reader may get a case of chicken feet to read these wordy works of yours

Geesh can we get the wives side? All of your stories consist of just you basically narrating.... it would be nice to hear the whore wives speak. You have multiple characters in your stories but the only one that speaks is you. It's like I'm reading a letter. Stories aren't bad but they can a lot better if there were different diatribes from the characters in her your stories. Especially the wives.

I really enjoy your style of writing. Had a smile on my face the whole way through this one. I think its my third or fourth read as well. Keep going and as far as the negative comments go, just remember that it is impossible to please everyone all the time, just be you and keep writing.

I enjoyed it, thanks.

Skimmmed your other stuff....same BORING crap.

Not quite sure this a cheating wife story. All the injured parties seem quite sanguine about their cheating spouses. Alas not such a good story but nevertheless well written.

Thanks Good

jtwheels

Very lucky guy tells a great story. Both tall and leggy and not the cheaters - guy's living the dream.

There’s no it-5 in the navy it will be E-5 or it2 Or information technician petty officer second class. And you can’t make Petty Officer Third Class in training do you have to take a rate exam only E1-3 can you get in training.

Sorry, but the 3 main characters conversations were boring as hell. They just beat every topic to death and the guy just couldn't stop blowing his own horn. The 3 cheaters were definitely assholes, but I can't help but think that this guys wife cheated on him to get away from his inane monologues, bordering on lectures, that he passed off as normal conversation...

Boring! It was 2 1/2 pages too long.

I am confused and conflicted by this story.

There are no glaring mistakes, except maybe navy ratings but that would pass muster by 99% of readers. The grammar is ok. Its a great concept to have all the story driven by conversation.

But this one just did not work.

I agree with shalpa64 the conversations were boring. I felt there was too much effort to make them humourous.

Instead of using the conversations in building depth of character, or adding to the story, they seemed to just be a failed attempt at humour by an endless litany of one liners.

Don't give up though. Just coz this story doesn't appeal to me personally doesn't make it a bad story. You should write for your enjoyment.

A R W

I placed this excerpt frim this GREAT STORY. Personal note Actually.

I'm a short stafford guy,5-5, She's worked all my life not to let that be an impediment to my achievements. I was a naval fighter pilot, Teacher respiratory therapist and for 39 years a physician assistant. I'm rather loud or boasterous And in fact somewhat shy and like to fly below the radar. Yet despite all of this I've had people repeatedly throughout the short man syndrome to me Napoleon complex,etc.

Dating has been a particular problem throughout my life Women do not want to date men shorter than them. In fact I had one woman who told me point blank that she thought I was very cute I'd like to go out with me if I wasn't so deformed-her exact words. She's actually altogether rather nice about it and didn't feel she had to mean to me at all. My suspicion is that she was just more honest than a lot her mothers My suspicion is that she was just more honest than a lot of others.

Yes you named a lot of men who have short stature and have done well and that is always true. It's equally true in this culture that short men really are the tail end of approval and almost everything. I'm not crying my beard it's just the way things are similar to the sun comes up everyday and East weather like it or not it just the way it is he needed accepted. Still it's bought a lot of heartache in my life and a lot of pain and misery that I really didn't need.

Hold on I'm not angry that she used this discussion in your story I would just like you to be a little more sensitive to the fact that those of us who have short stature really've had a really hard row to hoe and no matter what you do It's often not considered quite good enough and you have to do 3 times as good to equal the same as somebody of a normal or taller stature. Just asking you to be a little more sensitive to the issue Hudson thank you very much and love your stories!

It's not baffling, it's just the standard short-man syndrome. Tall, leggy girls you're dating are 'look what I scored', but they want wives that are shorter than they are, so they feel more like a 'big man'. I think both Bud and Clare decided they could 'cope' with a little extI

A bit long winded, but humorous.

Please, take the buttons off your parentheses keys. They indicate the description of an aside on a subject which isn't the subject of the writing and should never appear outside non-fiction pieces. Apart from one that could have gone either way, none of them was necessary. The first two or three were odd and pulled the reader to a halt, but then they cropped up time and time again. If you have to use parentheses in fiction, you haven't told the story correctly. Just rewrite it slightly when you get the urge to hit those keys.

The story itself was a little dry, but fun. Thanks.

Enjoyable but you had almost a page of wasted info.

I lost interest about a third of the way through the 2nd page. I know it was supposed to be humorous, but honestly it was only barely amusing at best.

Luck bastard

Too much chit chat, trying to be funny - and missing badly

[22.05.24]

Top of the Bill Funny!

11/10!!!!!