Jealousy: The Biter Bit

"OK," agreed Gary, "but it showed she'll get carried away if she gets into anything like that sort of situation again. You know, she could have stopped Sven, she's a grown woman, not a little girl. I don't know whether I can live with the uncertainty, never knowing if she's being unfaithful behind my back."

"None of us is certain of that, Gary. Forty percent of married women have at least one affair, and most of them go undetected, but it's sixty percent for men! She set out last night to try to teach you not to be jealous as she thought. She's never done anything behind your back, has she? She was always doing it to rile you."

"So, I should take her back? Give her another chance?"

"You have to decide that, brother, but bear in mind we engineered that situation. I'm sure she's learned her lesson about what married people can and can't do. She's wracked with guilt and embarrassment at what she did over the past weeks, and she now knows you were totally justified.

"She actually got to feel what you had been feeling, and that was what you wanted. The plan worked, Gary. She's desperate for you. I know things have been strained but she wants you and you alone."

"Were you sent to convince me?"

"No. They don't know I've come, I'm supposed to be shopping for breakfast. In fact I'd better go."

"OK, Clive, We're going to have to talk sooner or later. She can ring me after breakfast."

An hour later he was sitting at the dining room table when he heard the key in the lock of the front door. Sonia went to the living room, then to the kitchen trying to find him.

"In here," he shouted and she came round the corner. She was still in her little black dress from the party. Her face looked careworn, though she did not seem agitated.

"Hi, Gary," she said quietly. "If you don't mind, I'll go and change."

She turned and he could hear her going upstairs. In five minutes she was back. She was in her trademark V-necked jumper and tight jeans. She looked more comfortable, and extremely attractive. She sat opposite him at the table.

They sat looking at each other. Gary saw a really beautiful woman; tired and sad, but beautiful. Her big brown eyes were searching his face. He could see her eyelashes -- they were always long and gave her an air of sensuality. Her lips, usually adorned with lipstick and lip gloss, were uncoloured but still full. Her hair was down and straight, and flowed round her shoulders. She seemed peaceful as if defeated, but not worried or agitated as he expected.

She saw her man. He looked tired, unkept and weary, almost grey. She wondered if he had been drinking the night before. She could not read what he was feeling because he also looked defeated. Her heart went out to him, but she knew to sit still and wait to see where he would take this talk.

Gary reached down and placed the two photographs on the table. Sonia paled.

"You were caught," said Gary. "If you hadn't been caught, would you have had sex with him?"

"Yes."

He was taken aback. No qualification. He had asked; she had given a straight answer.

"When you went upstairs with him, did you intend to have sex?"

"No."

Again a monosyllabic answer.

"What have you learned?"

"I am more vulnerable to sexual advances than I thought. I cannot afford to get in such a situation again. I must control my drinking."

She was distant, mechanical. That was it: it was as if she were talking about other people, not their relationship. Was that his fault? The wrong questions?

"In view of those answers, can I trust you not to do that again?"

"I can't trust myself, Gary. I've learned that. So I'll say no, you can't trust me. Not at the moment. I would have to prove it to you over time.

"You can trust me to be more watchful, and to avoid situations like that. It hurts me to say it, but I will never dance again as long as I live."

At this a solitary tear ran down her cheek. Gary's heart broke. What a mess they were in!

"Can you tell me why you treated me as you did?" he asked.

She noticed a catch in his voice and did not answer at once.

"What's changed?" he went on. "Do you want this marriage to continue?"

Once again he was struck by her calmness. There were no histrionics, no begging to come back or to continue the marriage and no promises beyond the one to give up dancing for ever.

"Last question first," she said. "Yes. More than anything, I want to be with you and be married to you. If that is to happen, I realise there will have to be changes.

"I treated you with scorn and contempt because in my selfishness I could not understand how my behaviour was affecting you. Drink and dancing have an effect on me and I get out of control. It is addictive and I am an addict. The high I get from dancing and the sensuousness of it is almost as good as a sexual orgasm.

"That clouded my vision, and I refused to see through to your feelings and your sense of betrayal. I was your wife and I gave my body to other men in those dances. It was as bad as adultery -- worse, because you had to watch it and then hear me ranting at you that it was your fault, that you were just jealous.

"When we married I knew I had to give up the dancing. I knew where it led. I managed for a few months, but like any addict I craved the high again. You thought you were being kind, allowing me to come dancing with you, but it was like giving an alcoholic a drink. I think I hated the way you spoiled my fun. I really did think you were just jealous and needed to be taught to be more tolerant.

"At the birthday party, Barbara was quite forceful about my behaviour, but I just wasn't listening, I'd already piled all the guilt onto you, and you had to suffer if you were to learn. Gunley was revolting but you had to be taught. I certainly wouldn't have gone very far out of that room with him, let alone have had sex!

"When the plan you all made hit me, it was already too late. I'd allowed myself to be seduced by Sven. Even though we didn't have sex, I knew that, like it was before we met, I would have gone with him. Then the tables were turned.

"First I watched you dancing with Ingrid. I couldn't believe it! I knew you couldn't dance."

"Ingrid gave me lessons," Gary said, embarrassed.

"I should have done that, and I know why I didn't even try. I wanted the buzz of my single life, being desired by other blokes again, the sexual thrill of different men. Then when I saw you dancing, I realised I could have had all that thrill with you and guilt-free sex afterwards, and I'd blown it! You were dancing sensually with another woman, and so well! I was losing you.

"Barbara pointed out this morning that all the moves you did on Ingrid, I'd allowed and done with other men while you watched. What she said didn't hit me right away, but when it did I knew what you had gone through, what you'd been feeling.

"Jealous? Yes, but it was justified jealousy. I belonged to you; I'd given myself to you for better or worse, body and soul. God! You'd even given me permission to dance with those men! I was nothing but an ungrateful slut!

"Anyway, now the whole thing was reversed and I knew how it felt. Ingrid is much prettier than me -- don't deny it, I'm not blind! You belonged to me. You know what I even said to Sven? 'How dare he? He's married to me!'

"Well, I went back to the dance to find you and apologise but you and Ingrid had gone. Claire was sarcastic and angry with me. She was right. She told me where to find you. I expected you to be in bed with her. I was wrong again.

"Have I learned my lesson? Oh yes. What I don't know is whether I get another chance with you."

"Are you giving up dancing as a lever to get back with me?"

"No. Even if you divorce me, I will live one day at a time like an alcoholic and I will never dance again. The drinking to excess will stop as well. I wish to God now that I'd not been such a slag before we met. I know the difference in quality between what we have, and what I used to do. I can't say I'm cured, perhaps I'll never be, but I'm going to try."

She sat back in her chair, fiddling with her hands, looking at the tabletop. The photos were still there. It had been a long speech and she was tired.

"Are you sorry for what you did?" Gary asked and she immediately looked up and glared at him.

"What a stupid question!" she suddenly came alive, her eyes flashing, "I'm sorry about my earlier life. Drink, dance and sex every weekend. One night stands, three way sex. Yes, I'm sorry I got addicted.

"Am I sorry I hurt you during these past weeks? Of course I am! Am I sorry about last night? No!"

Gary was startled by her outburst, "What d'you mean?"

"You all set it up to wake me up, so what happened was your fault. True?"

"Hang on! You were going to sleep with Sven--"

"No, you hang on, Gary. Did you or did you not get Sven to seduce me? Yes or No?"

"Well, yes."

"Fine. He did. You gave this alcoholic a drink. Now, did you or did you not take dancing lessons to show me what I could have had?"

"Yes."

"Did you or did you not dance sexually with another woman while being married?"

"Well, yes, but you did--"

"But nothing. What I had been doing was wrong. Yes?"

Gary nodded.

"So what was what you were doing?"

Gary had to admit it.

"Yes, I suppose if you put it like that it was wrong as well, but only to get you to see what you did to me!"

"Did you enjoy it?"

"Yes. It was great! I'd never felt so alive and in control!"

"There! You learned something of what my addiction is like. Only in your case it was one night; you hadn't done it for years and followed it with stupid one-night-stand sex week after week.

"Well, you succeeded in your mission Gary. I've seen the error of my ways, what I am really like. Why should I be sorry about that? I've told you what I'm sorry for."

"You seem detached from all this, Sonia. Don't you care what happens next?"

Sonia sighed deeply.

"Gary I did the hysteria thing last night. I cried for five hours into the night. Thanks to Barbara and her relentless questioning, I now have a vivid picture of my problems. I am totally drained Gary.

"I also don't know if I'll be married in six months or not, and there's nothing I can do about that. I don't know if I can hold to my promise to give up too much drink and dancing. I don't know what you want to do with me; I haven't any choice. I've already told you I want to be married to you."

She paused and then continued, "What you and the gang did to me last night succeeded -- I keep telling you that. I've grown up a lot in a few hours. Life is not the same for me any more. I'm not sure what that will lead to, and I'm so tired."

At that she put her head down on the table and was asleep in seconds.

Gary looked at her in disbelief. The woman looked the same as Sonia, but she had aged. She had lost some of her spark. He realised that it was overload. They had succeeded, isn't that what she said? Had they also succeeded in destroying her spirit?

Almost mechanically, he got up from his chair, went round to her, put his arms under her shoulders and lifted her to a vertical position, whereupon she moaned.

"Sit up, darling," he said quietly and soothingly.

He took her arms and lifted her out of the chair and picked her up, holding her under her arms and knees. She was always light as a feather to him, and he carried her up to the bedroom and placed her on the bed. He pulled her top over her head, and tugged down her jeans. She hardly stirred. He stood and gazed at her barely clothed body in all its glory, then shook himself, found a blanket and covered her. In her sleep she smiled beatifically, and her face shone with her beauty. He knew then he loved her and could not let her go.

He sat on the bed and watched her sleeping. Would she betray him again because of his forgiveness? It was worth the risk. No, she was worth the risk, and he would take that risk. After all, wasn't all life about looking forward and taking risks? If he spent his life loving her, would he not feel better and happier than if he divorced her with all those recriminations?

What if she failed him again? In that case he would divorce her. Yes, he thought, even if that happened she would have been worth the risk. He would have done the right thing in his own eyes.

It was the right decision for him.

----

Their relationship was strained at first, but they went to counselling and they felt that the sessions helped. They actually went back every six months or so for a number of years for a check-up.

They even went dancing again eventually, but she never ever again danced with anyone else. Gary thought it rather an extreme reaction but she didn't. In any case, she didn't need to -- that fateful evening had shown her that she could get all her dancing jollies from him.

She resolutely gave up alcohol except at home. Did she sometimes feel that longing, that itch for another man? Oh, yes, but she never fell, because she looked at Gary and remembered. He meant too much to her, and she told him every time she felt that way. As he often joked with her, he had ways of scratching that itch, and she would smile and strip off her clothes for him, so that naked he could scratch it more easily.

Did he trust her totally?

No, he didn't, but he never told her, or let it show. He thought it was better that way.

Did he check on her?

Sometimes, but not often. As the years went by it got easier, especially because she was totally honest with him. She showed her love for him intensely, sensuously and physically, and he loved her vigorously in his turn.

No marriage is perfect, but for most marriages to last and succeed they just have to be good enough. Couples fulfill and satisfy each other in many different ways as the years go by. They did.

After a while other people, especially men, began to think of her as rather straight-laced and even frigid, and they pitied Gary. Neither Sonia nor Gary knew of these opinions, so it did not bother them. In any case, they proved it not to be true over and over in their bed and elsewhere. Their three lovely children also gave the lie to it.

The couple knew the truth of things. After all, who else was in the bedroom when they were naked together? Few saw their touches, their embraces, their patting each other's bottoms, those special smiles and glances meant only for them, given every day.

As they often said to each other, in answer to the question "We're doing OK, aren't we?"

"So far, so good!" and they'd smile that certain smile.

END.