Joan of Snark Ch. 01

"No ... well ... uh .. you see ..." Joan stuttered. "I was trying to get fired," she finally blurted out. "I hate working for Father O'Connor! He's a terribly mean old man. And I thought that if I did something offensive enough, he would be forced to fire me from my part-time job at the rectory and maybe even excommunicate me from the Catholic church." Joan let out a long exhale as she lowered her eyes. It was too humiliating to look Father Ben in the face.

"Well, masturbating during confession is certainly one way to go about it," Father Ben shook his head in disbelief.

"I'm sorry Father. Really, truly I am! Had I known that it wasn't Father O'Connor, I NEVER would have done what I did!"

"Well, the good news is that it seems like Father O'Connor will be absent for a few of weeks. So you won't have to deal with him at the rectory or at church. But the bad news is ..."

Joan gulped. Was he going to tell her mother about what she had done? Was he going to tell the congregation? Was her disgraceful act about to become public knowledge?

"What's the bad news?" Joan asked in a trembling voice.

"For the next little while, you're going to have to put up working for me. I'm going to be staying at the rectory while Father O'Connor recovers."

Joan's eyes widened. "You want me to keep working at the rectory after what I did just now? Don't you want to fire me? Shouldn't I be kicked out of the church?"

"Joan, no sin is unforgivable. And given your behavior, it seems to me like you need spiritual guidance more than anyone," Father Ben chuckled.

"Father Ben, I feel like I should tell you something," Joan said gravely.

"Well, fortunately for you, we're in exactly the right place for that."

"Father Ben, I ... I ... I ...'

"Yes Joan?"

Taking a deep breath, she said, "I don't believe in god! I don't believe in any aspect of any religion. I think it's all nonsense. I'm an atheist."

Father Ben was silent for a moment. Finally, when he spoke he said, "That's alright, Joan."

"It is?" Joan asked suspiciously.

"I can't force you to have faith. And you can't force yourself to believe in something."

Joan sighed in relief. "Thank you for understanding, Father Ben."

"You're most welcome, Joan. But could you do me a favor?"

"Sure, Father."

"Could you keep working at the rectory, at least while I'm there? I'm assuming you already know how to do everything. And you probably know where everything is. It would be a real pain in the neck to hire a new girl."

"Sure Father. No problem," Joan nodded.

"I promise I won't be as nasty as Father O'Connor," he teased.

"I know you wouldn't be, Father Ben," Joan giggled.

"And could you do me one more favor?"

"Okay."

"Would you please continue to come to church and attend mass?" he seriously asked.

Joan frowned as she studied the face of the young priest.

"Listen, I'm not going to try and force you to believe in something that you think doesn't exist. I just think you would benefit from having a supportive community around you. You just told me yourself that your father passed away a year and a half ago. I just think it would be good for you to have some nice people around you."

"Fine," Joan conceded. "My mother makes me go anyway. So it's not like I have a choice in the matter."

"I know that church can seem boring much of the time. But I promise that I'll do my best to liven things up. Alright?"

"Okay. Sure," Joan shrugged. "So Father Ben, what's my penance? I'm sure this has to be one of the most scandalous confessions that you've ever experienced."

"It certainly ranks high near the top of the list," Father Ben smiled. "Listen Joan, I think your embarrassment is penance enough. Just don't ever do that during confession ever again."

"What about outside of confession?" she asked with a cheeky grin.

"What you do during your private time is your own business."

"But isn't masturbation a sin?"

"Do you think it's a sin?" he asked.

"No, of course not," Joan replied.

"And is it hurting anyone?"

"No, but ..."

"Then it's not a sin," he stated simply.

"But I thought the Catholic church said ..."

"I thought that you didn't believe in religion or God."

"I don't," Joan confirmed.

"So then, why do you care whether or not masturbation is a sin?"

"I guess I don't," Joan reasoned.

"Well then, I guess we're done here. Go and sin no more," Father Ben smiled at her.

"Thanks Father. Then I guess - since you're still letting me work for you - I'll see you later this evening at the rectory." Joan reached down toward the floor and groped around until she found her vibrator. She stuffed it back into her purse and awkwardly stood up.

"Looking forward to it, Joan."

Joan was not sure, but she could have sworn that Father Ben winked at her.

As she exited the confessional, she saw that her mother was kneeling in a nearby pew. She had obviously touched up her makeup and her head was bent in prayer. When she heard Joan emerge from the confessional, she looked up.

"Joanie, what took you so long?" her mother demanded to know as she arose.

"Sorry Mom, but you know the rules. What happens in the confessional stays in the confessional," Joan snickered.

"Go do your penance! Now!" her mother angrily commanded. The older woman then entered the confessional.

As Joan plopped down on one of the uncomfortable wooden benches, she thought about her mortifying first meeting with Father Ben. She could not believe what had happened. But she also mused over how lightly she had gotten off for doing something so incredibly naughty.

But then another thought occurred to her. Why had Father Ben not spoken up earlier during her confession? Why did he let her say all of those things? Why did he let her DO all of those things? He just sat there quietly while she had touched herself. He did not say one word while she had masturbated. Even when she was clearly using her vibrator, he had not spoken up. He had not stopped her. She had brought herself to orgasm and he just sat on the other side of the privacy screen watching her.

Joan began to get an anxious feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had just climaxed in front of a man that she did not know. And now she was going to have to work for him that evening. It was going to be just the two of them together in the rectory. The two of them together alone. What on earth did the evening have in store?