Johanna and Maxine Pt. 03

"Not yet, but it leaves the door wide open."

"How wide?" Linda had wanted to know.

"As wide as you can imagine," she replied, "male or female."

She glanced at Linda. The older woman seemed almost bemused and a moment later Maxine shifted in her seat.

"So, it's just a night out with a friend?"

"Yeah," she replied, "we'll split the bill so there's no ambiguity and no obligations."

"All right then," she put the glass down, "where and when?"

"Friday night after work? We can meet up in Ringwood and decide on the place then."

"No worries," Maxine eyed the nearly empty glass, "that works for me."

Nevertheless, she still harboured doubts as she made her way home some fifteen minutes later. She had just agreed to a date with an openly gay woman and at some point she would need to tell Mark that she had to take a step back.

I need to speak to him soon.

It was a thought that came back to taunt or remind her several times over the next couple of days but she managed to avoid dealing with the issue although there was a part of her that thought maybe she needed to deal with Mark before she went out with Linda. However, that would send out a completely different signal and even though she felt as if she was in the right, Maxine still didn't feel ready to out herself right now. At this point in time she needed to process these new feelings of desire and longing.

***

Johanna was in a reflective mood as she flicked through her playlists. She had called Åsa when she got home and Åsa answered on the third ring.

"Hej," she sounded out of breath, "hur mår du?"

"In English tonight," she sat down on the couch, "I need some advice."

"For sure," Åsa replied, "what's up?"

She took a few seconds to gather her thoughts and then she let it out, and held nothing back she felt confused at the conflicting emotions mingled with past experiences. Maxine's relationship was on the rocks but that didn't mean she should take advantage of that. She'd been around long enough to experience the pitfalls of rebound relationships but even so, there were times when it worked. She'd been thinking about it off and on most of the day in between seeing clients. Åsa listened patiently and when she'd finished there was a longish pause before she replied.

"I think you're, what is the English word? Overcomplicating the issue. If she leaves her boyfriend and goes out with you then that's her choice. You are not perfect, you are human and we all have our little flaws. I could have fixed my marriage long before it fell apart but I kept putting it off and now I am divorced. Does that make me a bad person? Why didn't he see the rot himself? We can only work with what we have at the time, no more, no less."

It was remarkably potent advice she mused sometime later as she selected a playlist. Åsa had nailed it perfectly. They were all human and not immune to the vagaries of human nature and it'd made her realise that feeling guilty was self sabotage but even so she still felt as if she was tiptoeing around the edges of chaos. Despite her doubts though Johanna resolved to take Maxine at her word. Åsa was right, she had no right to make assumptions prior to investigation. With that resolution, she started on dinner and forced herself to focus on the here and now.

***

Friday night had seemed a lifetime away on Tuesday night but the time had passed so quickly for Maxine that it took her by surprise when she awoke to a text from Linda on Friday morning.

Linda: Are we still on for tonight?

Maxine: Sure are, where are we going?

Linda: I'm easy, think of your budget and pick something to fit.

Maxine: No worries, same time?

Linda: Yeah, but text me if anything changes at your end.

Now that was a relief Maxine reasoned sometime later as she checked her reflection in the mirror. Linda earned more than her but considering they were paying their own way tonight she'd left it up to her. The light brown trousers and white silk blouse were appropriate for work but were they okay for a night out?

She reached into the wardrobe and fingered the collar of the white, double-breasted blouse Robyn had made for her last week, she hadn't had a chance to wear it yet. The red pussybow blouse would be better and the ties could be undone for a more flirty look but then common sense intervened, they were going out for dinner after work. Linda had been clear that it was just a night out with no obligations. She ran a critical eye over her outfit. The blouse had a placket that hid all but the top button and it came with a detachable tie that fashioned into a loose pussybow.

Nevertheless, as she finished getting ready, Maxine felt as if she'd crossed a line and she still hadn't spoken to Mark yet. Last night she'd decided against going to bible study, citing tiredness but she was sure that he'd seen through her lie already.

So where did that leave her? Up shit creek without a paddle?

She glanced over her shoulder as Rowena came into her room. She was tapping out a message and knelt on the end of the bed as she kept tapping. Maxine glanced at her watch as Rowena sent the message and then fell onto her side and let out a sigh.

"I just got an email from Alana."

"And?"

Rowena stared blankly ahead and Maxine felt the hairs on the back of her head tingling before her sister grinned.

"I got the job."

"Fuck," she swore, "I thought you hadn't been successful."

"Sorry, I couldn't help myself," she eyed her, "you're looking very dressed up for work."

"I'm stuck in the office all day today, worst luck."

"Oh I don't know about that," she replied, "they're forecasting rain by lunchtime and hail later."

"I didn't even check the weather this morning," she admitted, "so, when do you start?"

"There's a meeting next week with the partners and after that they'll decide when. I can't give any notice until they've got a date. It could be two weeks or a month so it'd be stupid to leave myself without money for two weeks."

"True enough although we'd support you for two weeks," she fastened her jacket button.

"Thanks," she pulled a wry grin, "I'm still trying to take it all in, I was pretty sure I'd messed up."

"I'm proud of you," she replied.

"Dave wants to cook a special meal tonight," she glanced at her phone as it beeped.

"I won't be in tonight," she replied.

"You won't?" Rowena picked up her phone, "even though I just got my dream job?"

"It was pre arranged on Tuesday, I'm going out for dinner with Linda."

"Who's Linda?"

"One of Karen's friends although I met her at the pool parlour on Saturday night."

"Oh? And what's her story?"

"She's," Maxine frowned.

"What? An axe murderer? A billionaire? Curious minds want to know."

"She's gay," she finally found the word.

"Wow," Rowena glanced up as she started tapping out a reply, "you're really doing it then?"

"It's just dinner," she murmured, "no promises, no obligations, we're meeting up after work."

"Cool," she chuckled, "but whatever, just go with the flow."

"That's about all I can do," she replied.

"So, who asked whom?"

"She asked me."

"Even cooler. So what's she like?"

"She's thirty two and a half but she looks a lot younger, she works as a Human Resources manager out at Cadbury's, drives a hot Monaro and she's down to earth."

"Sounds perfect," she sent the message and rose, "well, good luck with tonight."

Maxine merely nodded at that as she was still distracted by Rowena's good news and that gave her a lift for part of the day at least, which meant that she didn't think about her date until lunchtime as she sat down to a ham and salad roll. There was something forbidden about it even though Linda hadn't suggested it would end in the traditional way but she hadn't told Mark yet.

Should I tell him?

She stared at her phone. Logically speaking, she didn't have to tell him anything and even if he did find out then all he'd know was that she'd gone out for dinner with a girlfriend. It was only if they actually went to bed that she'd need to deal with the inevitable fallout.

Maxine frowned as she stared straight ahead. At the age of twenty four she'd never gone that far yet, her Christian faith forbade sex before marriage. She'd come close with Rodney but a lot of that had come down to Rodney's efforts. He'd been both amazed and excited that she was still a virgin, it was for that reason alone she suspected that he had tried so hard to hang onto her. At the time their separation had been a trial one, but deep down Maxine knew the real reason now. Having sex with him would have meant a far deeper commitment than she was prepared for and he wasn't the kind of guy she wanted to settle down with.

Movement to her right distracted her and she stared at the blonde woman sitting at a nearby table, she looked to be the same age as herself and when their eyes met the woman smiled and then went back to her coffee. She had an attractive face, slim and angular-shaped along with a good figure, she wore a patterned, red blouse and a light grey trouser suit. Maxine looked away suddenly, aware that she'd been perving. Was this what it had come down to now? Would she be taunted by this new sexual orientation? If she slept with Linda or Johanna the result would be the same as if she'd slept with Rodney, she would have to make a choice between a girlfriend and church.

So, why wasn't her internal red light flashing? Had she really come to a crossroads? For years she'd been a faithful churchgoer, mouthing the right words at the right time but just lately it had started to feel fake and almost forced. It was as if she was just treading water. To the casual observer she still looked calm and serene but beneath the water her feet were constantly moving to keep her afloat, it had become tiresome. She longed to kick away and head to the shore.

Rodney might have had his faults she mused sometime later, but he'd awakened something latent within her, the desire for sexual intimacy and that thought stayed with her for the rest of the day and it was only about half past four that she finally texted Linda.

Maxine: How's about we meet near the Pancake Parlour and decide then?

Linda: No worries, I'm easy pleased. As long as I don't have to wash dishes! But The Pancake Parlour sounds like a good choice, fancy having dinner there?

She paused before tapping out a message.

Maxine: Sure, I just chose that place because I have an urge for pancakes.

Linda: Understandable! Okay, let's say 5:45?

Maxine: Just come in, I'll be there about 5:30, I can book the table, any preferences?

Linda: No, as long as the seats are clean :-)

Maxine sent her a happy face emoji and went back to work but it was hard to focus on the mundane tasks in front of her. There was a minor hiccup when she got a call from Maria complaining that the rehab was giving her the shits and could she find her one closer to home. Maxine promised to do her best and at approximately quarter past five she stepped outside. Her phone beeped as she made her way to the shopping centre at Eastland and she read the text from Mark.

Mark: What time are you coming around tonight?

Maxine frowned as she composed the message.

Maxine: Won't be coming around tonight, going out with a girlfriend.

Mark: Where are you going?

Maxine: Out for dinner, last minute arrangement.

She blushed at that last text as soon as she sent it because it was a blatant lie but thankfully Mark didn't ask for any more details and she soon reached the multi-storey shopping centre.

***

The Pancake Parlour has been an Australian institution for nearly fifty years. The one in Eastland was situated directly opposite the Hoyts multiplex cinema and much of its custom came from moviegoers who wanted a meal before or after the movie. It occurred to her as she found a table for two that she could've suggested a movie but that seemed like a bridge too far and so she settled down to await Linda whilst browsing her social media feeds.

She was so engrossed in checking out different posts that she didn't see Linda until she sat down opposite her. Maxine looked up suddenly and managed a slight smile. Her hair looked as if it had been thinned out a little. She wore a pale pink silk blouse buttoned to the top and accessorised with a silver brooch under a black waistcoat that matched the black, A-line skirt. She shrugged the black overcoat off and let it hang over the chair next to her.

"How was work?" Maxine finally managed.

"It was okay, we had a new lot of casual staff who had to do their health and safety tests."

"Is that a complicated job?"

"No," she smirked, "I just fire up the computers, get them to sign in and go back into my office, the results are all saved in the database. It's the easiest job in the world, everything is automated," she picked up a menu, "what about you?"

"It was much the same but I got a call from that woman I took out to Ballarat, she wants to get into a rehab in Melbourne, I had to make some last minute calls but the best I can do is a place out in the Western suburbs on Monday."

"Sounds like quite a day," Linda looked up briefly, "you're looking very elegant today."

"I work in the office most days," she replied, "except when I'm running activities on Mondays and then it's smart casual."

"Is that so?" Linda eyed her.

The menu might have been fairly standard, pancakes and Coke but the topic of conversation was far from traditional after Linda asked about Mark, Maxine launched into a blow by blow story about her failed love life. The older woman turned out to be a sympathetic listener, asking a question only every now and then. By the time she'd finished, Maxine felt a little drained and a wry smile nudged her lips as she eyed the remains on her plate.

"You must think I'm psychotic."

"No, I was much the same although in my case it was one night stands with guys and if a guy was buying drinks I'd just play along and wind up trying to remember his name the next morning."

"I've never done that, yet," she winced.

"What? Had a one night stand or gone to bed with a guy?"

"Both," she replied a minute or so later and looked away at the same time but when she looked back Linda was sipping her Coke.

"Don't feel embarrassed by that admission," Linda eyed her, "I lost my virginity way too early."

"It's hard not to," she replied, "my younger sister has been sexually active for years. I was the older more sensible one."

"Why's that? Did you have to support your mum after your dad left?"

"Yeah," she replied, "although to be honest she was more than capable of taking on two roles, she'd been doing it for years, the marriage was a sham for the last few years."

"How has that affected your attitude towards relationships with men?"

"I've realised a couple of years ago that I tend to go with guys who are either more experienced or at least appear that way, with the exception of Mark as I've already mentioned."

"He does sound fairly typical of guys his age," Linda remarked, "they're bullet proof and the desire to reproduce is hard wired into their brains. I've always thought that if God really did create men and women then he screwed up when it came to sex drives."

"In what way?" Maxine raised her glass.

"A man's sexual peak comes when he's eighteen, more or less but a woman reaches hers when she's about thirty but traditionally we look down on younger men dating older women."

"What about gay women though, is there a similar thing for them?"

"Not exactly," she mused, "we're far more flexible and adaptable, we don't place so much emphasis on looks, it's all about security and intimacy but it can be a drawback too. Women know how other women think even when they don't," she grimaced.

"Sometimes couples can spend so much time talking about how they want their relationship to work that they forget they're in a relationship, it's like peeling the onion. As soon as you've peeled off one layer there's another one to take off and another one until you're left with nothing. In essence, our addiction to talking about relationships can kill a relationship."

"I can imagine that happening," she replied, "if I was in a relationship with a woman I'd want to have my own space, more so than with a man. It keeps things interesting, I think."

Linda's eyes widened slightly and Maxine stared at her.

"You don't think so?"

"I think that's a bloody good summation, one I should pay more attention to."

"So, why aren't you with someone?" Maxine asked her.

"Ah, that's a complicated subject but the short answer is, I haven't really been ready for anyone at the moment. My affairs tend to be one night stands or brief flings and I almost always wind up with women who want to spend more time with me but I just want a casual fuck. It's an abandonment syndrome. I fear commitment because I don't want to face the inevitable crisis when she realises I'm just a headcase or I throw everything into it and wind up becoming obsessive."

"Ooh, that's not healthy" she replied.

"It's an alcoholic trait," Linda looked past her,

"We project months and years into the future and for us it becomes an all consuming thing. Not long after I got sober, I met a woman who was quite nice. She was homely, warm, cuddly and had her own business. She liked me and I liked her but I kept projecting five years into the future. It stifled me, I couldn't respond in the way she wanted or needed. We parted on good terms but my sponsor suggested that perhaps I wasn't as ready for dating as I thought."

"And what about now?" Maxine asked, "surely after all these years you've learned something."

"For sure, take it one day at a time, don't read too much into it. I might have great sex one night but that might be as far as it goes. Accept it and move on, and if she comes back for a second night just treat it as one night. Eventually you'll find the right one, don't take yourself so seriously, we're here for a good time not a long time."

"I reckon if I was to wind up with a woman it'd be very much a one day at a time thing. Coming out as gay or even bisexual would be too much like burning all my bridges at once."

"Try not to think about it in such dramatic terms," Linda advised her, "some women have a night of hot steamy sex or even a brief fling and then decide it's not really their thing for a variety of reasons but keeping it in the now, so to speak, is a good way of coming to terms with it in your own time. No one says you have to put a rainbow sticker on your bumper and change your Facebook status to gay or bisexual, avoid the labels and do what's right for you."

"That's a refreshing option," she glanced at her phone, "I think I'd lose a few friends if I posted that on my profile and I'd feel like I was just hanging another label around my neck."

"I hate labels," Linda replied, "there's been a big push in the LGBTQ community to define your sexual orientation and wear it like a badge of honour. I do get it from one angle, we can admit it to the world but I've seen people damaged or put off by it too when they don't follow the norm," she made imaginary quotation marks in the air.

The conversation continued along that line for another fifteen minutes before Maxine stretched and yawned.

"We should get going soon."

"Okay, you look worn out."

"Not really," Maxine replied, "I'm just needing some fresh air, it's getting a bit warm in here."

As they made their way back downstairs a few minutes later Maxine tried to think of a way to end the night without sounding rude but as they stepped outside that thought left her as the wintry wind blew hard along the street. The buildings on either side acted like a wind tunnel.