All Comments on 'Johnny's Family Harem Ch. 01'

AAAA++++

The story had a solid premise and decent momentum about it, but the sex seemed to emerge pretty nonchalantly. It kind of lessened the impact of the taboo as a result. I think if you slow it down and up the teasing, the sexual tension and taboo would naturally increase.

As is, the story just kinda seems like it’s about a cocky young guy hooking up with a slightly older woman. There were themes of dominance and “taking charge,” but with the lack of tension and taboo, it seemed a bit rushed and under developed. Also, her name changed from Sally to Suzy, so just be mindful of that in future proofreading.

Fort Benning is near Columbus Ga and Ga Tech is in Atlanta over 100 miles away. Columbus is also on the Ga/Ala border on the west side of the state over 150 miles from the ocean. Maybe they went to a lake? Check your geography.

Very nice, and I look forward to upcoming chapters. But is her name Suzy or Sally? You changed it multiple times. Most little things dont matter, at least to me, but something like that does. 5/5 this time, but try to watch for that.

TimTam

Suzy/Suzie/Sally

.

Pick a name and a spelling.

Ft Benning is about two hours from GA Tech. Not a very practical commute. And Columbus is roughly 3 hours drive to the gulf coast/Panama Bech area. It’s not a quick trip to the beach. You initially said she had planned out an entire weekend with a hotel, etc., but then they return home?

Not a bad story, but as they say, “the devil is in the details”, and you really need to work on keeping your details consistent, and somewhat realistic/believable.

Didn't the plan call for a 3day window in a hotel by the beach not a 15min rub n tug on the river bank?since there's no ocean in the area.

Check your spelling it's easy with spellcheck. I gave you !!!

Good start. Solid simple concept. Need to work on constructing your sentences. Several times your writing was sloppy if I had to pick an adjective. Here's an example: 'We sped away and I spared a glance over at Aunt Suzy as we sped along far above the speed limit.' Here you used sped twice as the verb in one sentence. A fetter way of writing this might have been 'I spared a glance over at Aunt Suzy as we sped along well above the speed limit.' Other than that excellent story.

1) Are they staying in a hotel for the weekend? or staying at Aunt's house?

2) What is the Aunt's name again?

3) Ft Benning is at least 100miles from ANY Beach.

Other than that it was OK, not great, but not bad.