Joie Jaye 01

Joie Jaye 01

"Joie Jaye, you seem awfully bitter today, so what's up with that? I mean, are you bitter that I made you measure my waist for a new pair of swimming trunks? I mean, I was just busy and stuff, so that's why I couldn't go to the mall with you and all, so?"

"Hush with all that, Nate. I'm not bitter that you have issues being seen with me in the outside world. I mean, I'm actually not bitter at all. Well, I might be a little bitter that these fricking Denim shorts with the frayed cuffs don't look as good on me as I thought they would and I might be a tad bitter that my legs aren't fuller, but that's all."

"Yeah, but Joie Jaye, I mean, with the way that you had to measure my waist twice, right? I mean, I bring it, right, Joie Jaye?"

"And hush with all that too, Nate. I mean, you didn't try to hide how you moved yourself into the path of my fabric tape measure and by the way and for the record, I did not put it back where it belonged for a measuring of your waist, so."

"Yeah, but Joie Jaye, I mean????"

"Fine, you have plenty to bring to the party, Nate, now hush and hush about me being bitter and all. And hold still! There is a difference between adjusting a board shorts waistband and a hand job, so."

[Swish, swoosh, swish]

"You love me, Joie Jaye."

"I like that you are open minded enough to lip smack me from time to time, Nate. I hate the sexual urges that you have, but you bring just enough softness to my party, so. Also, there, these new board shorts will be perfect for your all-day outdoor party. They have a drawstring and this little belt for security and two, oops, three pockets for your stuff, so."

"Hmmm."

"Also, that was not a game of pocket pool, Nate, so."

"I mean, spill it, Joie Jaye, you're bitter that your roomie and your oldest friend are this close to hooking up, right? Also, I mean, did I leave my license in the front pocket?"

"Oh, oh, Nate, you definitely need to hush about Lucia and (Chad) and don't you even say that they are hooking up!"

[Search, squeeze, squeeze, SQUEEZE, bitter]

"OMG, OMG, sensitive, sensitive, OMG, Joie Jaye, release!"

"Sorry, Nate, but here's your license."

"OMG, OMG, I mean, I'm glad that you're not all bitter and stuff, then!"

"Alright (OMG), um, (OMG), listen Joie Jaye, it's just a motorcycle ride and (OMG that hurt) and it shouldn't matter that you and Chad had a falling out after you stepped out in drag, so."

"A falling out? (Chad) absolutely turned his back on me! And now he thinks it's OK to hook up with my roomie and ride off into the sunset?"

[Squeeze, pull, pull, stroke, stroke, fap, fap, fap, fap]

"Oh, oh, I mean, ooh, ooh, it's a tie if you come to my party, right? Ahh, ahh, oh, woo, oof."

See? Straight guys who are fags on the side are just stupid. There isn't any tie when your oldest friend, who dumped you just because you like to wear eye gems and black eye liner, tries to hook up with your roomie and think that everything is going to be OK! I mean, there are over 7 billion other people that knucklehead could meet, right?

"Oh, ooh, Joie Jaye, I mean, I like it when you're all bitter and stuff, but, but, my new swim trunks, right? Ooh, oh, oh, OMG, I can't believe this!"

Ah, no, Nate thought he was going to break our long-standing tie when I pushed his new board shorts down, but no, I merely pushed them down to keep them clean. And maybe I helped him to the finish line and maybe I didn't, but I was bitter about some things, so I had some steam to work off, so.

Also, I mean, so, when it's over for a side fag straight guy, then it's just over?

[Mwah, smooch, smack]

See? Nate at least doesn't mind exchanging some lips smacking action from time to time and I really like that part about him. I mean, it's crazy about his sexual urges all the time, but he knows how to end things. LOL and his girlfriend, Franny, will end things quick if she ever chases Nate smooching with me.

"I'm still coming to your party tomorrow after dark then, Nate."

"That's fine, just steer clear of Franny and damn it, get over being bitter about things. I mean, how long has it been since you and Chad hung out anyways?"

LOL, nope, engaging with extra conversation with me was just a stall tactic, just in case he could get his point across that a thing needed a little cleaning up, hah! I mean, I did my part, so it was a tie.

Anyways, hey there, I'm Joie Jaye and I'm not bitter, I just don't understand why my roomie, Lucia, has to ride off into the sunset on the back of Chad's motorcycle when she knows that (Chad) turned his back on me like he did. And regardless of what was said above, I refuse to use the phrase "hooking up" when I speak of (Chad) and Lucia's upcoming day on a bike. I mean, the nerve of him, right? I mean, (Chad) and I started out as friend's way back in our mud pie making days and now, fast forward a few years when the human body development really kicked in and he's all up in my roomie's business? BS, I say, just pure BS and I have every reason to be so bitter about it, so.

And never mind that they actually knew each other from before because Lucia was my family's foreign exchange student from Italy for two years way back in the day! All that matters is that I finally found the perfect pair of Denim shorts with frayed cuffs and they didn't look as good on me once I got them home! I mean, it matters that Lucia came back to our area for her career and elbowed her way into my house, of course, but it matters more that (Chad) is violating the friendship rules, no matter how long it's been since he decided that he couldn't hang out with a guy who dresses like a girl and is this close to being hotter than his ex-girlfriend, so.

I mean, it matters what can happened between two people who are both adults and currently single as they ride off into the fading sunset on a huge bike, which is almost as big as a small compact car, right?

I mean, fine, maybe I'm a little bitter about this "day trip", but trust me, when (Chad) shows on up his motorcycle to pick up, Lucia, well, it will be the first time that I sprout eye gems in the early afternoon, so.

Anyways, back to my current hissy fit because my roomie might have found happiness with someone who chose to disown me just because I'm comfortable in either gender of clothing. And my stupid need to keep things at a tie, especially when it comes to the household. Oh, and I always win, so.

"Listen, Joie Jaye, keeping things at a tie is your area of expertise, so you come up with something then."

"Lucia, I mean, you can have sex if you want to and it doesn't need to be a tie, even if it's with someone that I've known for years, so. I mean, I'll just stay behind and wipe down the counter tops and do the laundry and maybe have both of our vehicles washed while you and "Chad" ride into the sunset while making plans to do who knows what at the end of the bike ride, so."

"Alright now, Joie Jaye, a motorcycle ride doesn't necessarily mean sex. I mean, they seem awfully cozy and all, but let's just stick with the topic at hand, which is you making suggestions of how I should dress for such a cozy ride with your old friend. I mean, it's just a long afternoon and evening ride, so."

"Well, you should wear your trendy leather jacket for wind protection and a really good tube top under it, like a canvas thick tube top, so. Oh, and your leather jacket should stay zipped up all the way at all times too. Like pinch the skin under your chin in the zipper all the way up, so."

"Got it, Joie Jaye, I'll wear my black lace longline bralette under my fancy leather jacket, the one that you like then. The one that you said could technically be worn as a shirt, so."

"Well, I never said that I liked it, Lucia, I just like to wash it when you're not home, so. And long jeans too! Like canvas cargo pants to protect your legs from road pebbles and bugs. I mean, there is an old tent in the garage that I can start tearing apart, so."

"Got it, Joie Jaye, I'll wear my new high waisted leggings capri pants then. The ones that you bought for me from the TV commercial. I mean, men like a little camel toe, right, Joie Jaye?"

"Well, you must have a fuzzy mind jet lag from your trip Lucia or something because I suggested your trendy leather capri pants because I think that you're trendy that way. I mean, and your ankle boots too, but just for good foot protection, so."

"Look [mwah] roomie, it's just a bike ride and it's my first big bike ride, so you should be happy for me. I'm still coming home (eventually) and maybe it's time that you and Chad let bygones be bygones anyways, but listen, I wouldn't be mad if you hooked me up with some black fingerless gloves, so???"

Ah-hah! See, my roomie, Lucia, wouldn't last a minute in the real world without me! And I don't even know how to let bygones be bygones because I never went anywhere! I was always right there. I mean, I may have been there with eye gems and black eye liner on, but I never went anywhere!

But I did chill out about things after a while. I mean, mostly because Lucia gave up on the conversation and went about packing her backpack for her sexually charged bike ride for a day and an evening, but trust me, I used the time to put on my best face so "Chad" got a good look at what he left behind as a friend. And because I needed a few new selfies to post on Chang.

[Vroom, vroom, vroom]

Anyways, damn, his bike is huge!

"Um, hey, Joey Joie Jaye Jolson, I mean, it's been a while and um, I mean, it's just a bike ride, so."

"I mean, hey Chad and it's all fine, but don't be surprised if I'm waiting up later and if you can't handle me in jammies, then you better have Lucia back home before 9pm, so."

[LOL, wagging a wiggly finger at Chad]

"Jammies? 9pm? I mean, aren't you going to Nate's Luau party? I mean, I planned this bike trip for this day so you wouldn't have to see me put the moves on your Italian goddess of a roomie in person, oops, I mean, this was the best weather day for a long bike ride, so?"

"Hah! I mean, I have to stay behind and wax the no-wax floors and all, so."

"OMG, you're still bitter, Joey Joie Jaye Jolson!"

"Hah! You know nothing, (Chad). It's just Joie Jaye and I have an entire evening of Vampire movies to sooth my bitterness, so."

"Fine, I give up, but the word is that Todd may be interested in talking to you, that's all. By the way, I mean, Lucia's skin is the color of?????? Roasted Almonds????"

"Olive Oil, knucklehead! Extra Virgin Olive Oil. OMG, this is going to be such a one and done date!"

I mean, pause for a moment while the skies part and that one ray of sun beams directly on Lucia as she exists the front door and walks down the steps.

"[Mwah] Don't wait up, roomie (and LOL, you forgot to suggest what kind of undies I should wear, so.)"

"Granny! Beige granny! Laundry day beige granny! Beige! Beige laundry day granny undies!"

"LOL, I love how you're such a funny, funny boy, roomie, LOL. By the way, I may have forgotten to tell you that I invited Todd over for 8pm and pre-ordered a pizza for 8pm as well, so."

Also, I may have been speaking a little loudly in the front yard and none of the neighbors agreed with my choice of undies for Lucia to wear. Well, except for Grandma Willis, of course, but she lives four houses down and may have misunderstood me. I mean, none of you heard me say "show me your beige granny undies", right? I mean, apparently, that's what she heard, so the freak show is down at the corner.

[Vroom, vroom, vroom]

[Arms wrapped, wrapped around too!]

Oh, oh, oh, I saw that, folks! [Starts texting.] That's way too friendly of waist grab!

"LOL, I'm just holding on tight, roomie."

[whoop]

"Don't wait up."

[Whoop]

"Be nice with Todd."

[Whoop]

"Ponytail & Pizza."

Well, I always have a ponytail on Saturday's anyways, so.

[Knock, knock, knock]

"Well, I don't know why you're late, Todd. I mean, our Vampire movie watch date has been planned since they stopped making beige undies, so."

"Oh, I mean, there is a traffic ruckus at your corner from some old Grandma waving her beige undies in the air like they were going out of style, so that held me up. But listen, I mean, what's the plan for tonight? I mean, we're kind of going to be alone, right Joie Jaye?"

"Well, for a while anyways, but why Todd? Are you hoping to have wild sex with me tonight?"

"Well, not wild sex for our first date. I mean, unless you're wearing beige undies or something, in which case we should get totally down and dirty then."

"Well, technically, I'm wearing sheer flesh tone, so back it down and get ready to eat. Unless the pizza is held up in the traffic ruckus too. And don't read too much into why there is a blanket over the back of the couch. I mean, it's an Italian thing, so."

I mean, I totally missed that slick little move by Lucia while I was busy getting ready for my first official date. And the key words there are 'first" and "official" because all that fagging stuff in literally every corner of literally every house I've ever been in since stepping out as a CD doesn't count. I mean, some of it was fun and informative, but none of it was ever official anything. Other than official fagging.

[Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding I don't have all night, dong]

"Hi, that will be $29 for one date night pizza package, please. I'm Brie and I work for tips, so."

"Well, Brie, there must be some kind of mistake. Surely my roomie would have ordered the "first official date night" pizza package, so. I'm Joie Jo, by the way."

[Ah, the pizza delivery just spins around in a circle then?]

"Oops, my bad, hi, that will be $37 for one official first date night pizza package then and I still work for tips, so."

"Oh, that's better then, so keep the change and carry on then, Brie."

I mean, pause again, I guess, while I search around for another $10 because that's what Brie's arms crossed and pouty lips pose said to do. Because he works for tips.

"Oh, such a nice tip, so here's a tip back then. Kiss him before you feed him. Bye."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Brie, I mean, just to be clear, kiss his lips or his tip? I mean, you said 'tip" like twice, so?"

"Oh, it's one step, two step, three step, four, so follow the progression. Unless you're wearing beige undies tonight, in which case you should bend over big time for him and drool. What's his name?"

"Todd. Todd Thomas."

"Ooh, his daddy and I get along real nice over on Oak Street, so, are you wearing the last pair of beige undies on the planet then, Joie Jaye? I mean, other than the pair that your crazy neighbor down the way is waving in the air like a crazy grand momma."

"Well, can we just get back to my exterior outfit then?"

"Hmmm, a little modest for my tastes, but with just the right amount of looseness for those moments under a blanket on a couch."

"I mean, the couch and a blanket, right? That's a thing then?"

"Well, hands have a mind of their own after a while, so. OMFG! Are you taking notes, Joie Jaye?"

Well, pizza boxes are large and there's a lot of room to write stuff on them, so.

Also, is this "peel out" day at my house?

[vroom, screech, vroom, screech]

"Two slices of pizza, a beer and Vampire movie number one, just for you, Todd."

"And the look, Joie Jaye? What's with the weird look on your face then?"

"Social protocol says that we should share a kiss before eating, but I'm not sure how you feel about that, so I'm kicking back and letting you steer the ship. And trust me, I'll understand if that's a little much for you, so."

[Mwah, ummah, smooch, mwah, smack, peck, smack, mwah, ummah]

"I mean, it's just the two of us, right, Joie Jaye?"

"Oh, I would never violate your social status, Todd or tell stories, so."

Well, things were going alright until I tried to read the third thing that I scribbled on the pizza box. I mean, I understood snuggling up close to him on the couch and pulling the bow tie knot out of my leisure shorts draw string, but I must have written to quickly when I wrote down "keep talking to each other, but keep your eyes on the TV" or something. But that's what I did and he seemed to conform to the same pizza box tip. In other words, as we weren't lovers, then we didn't need to gaze into each other's eyes. Or something like that because I clearly had no idea what to do, other that follow what tips were scribbled on the pizza box.

"[Munch] Todd, I'm posting that I had a Vampire date, so."

"[Munch] Well, I might post that I had a Vampire Girlfriend, Joie Jaye, so."

"[Munch] I mean, I might post that my Vampire date came with his own wooden stake, so."

"[Munch] Well, I might post that my Vampire Girlfriend made my wooden stake, so."

"[Munch] I mean, new born Vampires don't always know what to do, so."

"[Munch] I mean, I seen all the movies and the Vampire Girlfriend figured things out pretty quick, so."

Damn! He was so right about that! She took right too things in no time in just the third movie!

Also, I mean, WTF, right? Like before even the first commercial break? And like with a heartbeat? And with me just sitting there quietly doesn't work to cool it down? Because his damn wooden stake had a throbbing heartbeat?

"[Munch] You said I should steer the ship, Joie Jo, so?"

Stupid ship steering wheels with all those wooden stakes sticking up and all!

"[Munch] I mean, the sailor guy always uses just his hands to work the ship's steering wheel, right Todd?"

"[Munch] [Humming and looking around]"

Oh, oh, oh, I re-read the pizza box instructions alright. Unfortunately, nothing left on the pizza box was in my favor, so I threw the box away. Especially since the last thing I scribbled from taking notes from Brie was "there she blows" or something to that effect.

But I went back to the couch because I was on my first official Vampire date, but then I paused. I mean, I could hear the thumping from my standing position just next to Todd, who was still staring at Melissa the Vampire and I mean, seriously, not only does his wooden stake have a heartbeat, it throbs to the beat!

[Throb, throb, flex, flex, bounce, bounce, thump, thump, thump, flex, throb]

"Well, we smooched and we ate, so should we stroll over to Nate's Luau party or what, Todd? I mean, you seem to be at the helm, so."

[Throb, throb, flex, flex, bounce, bounce, thump, thump, thump, flex, throb]

SOB! Dating at home alone sucks! I mean, it was boom, boom, boom, throb, throb, throb, right? So, what was I supposed to do? Sit on it?

Well, I sat on it, I mean, I sat on Todd's lap and wrapped my arms around his neck and figured that he would steer the ship from there.

Well, that was stupid of me! And it might have been even more stupid of me to not release my arms from around his neck. I mean, there was a lot of body movements and swaying and humping and some neck kissing and the blanket was working its self over us and I wasn't sure which one of us pushed my leisure shorts down, but they went down and ended up over there and I couldn't even remember if his shorts were ever on and then, oops, um, I mean, he was bouncing me up and down on his lap????

Well, he was bouncing me up and down on his lap, only, um, I mean, that was it, right? I mean, I would have known if anything else would have been happening, right?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I felt everything and with the way that I was hanging onto his neck, I mean, yeah, I was in it for more than just the ride, but um, it was just a dry ride, I guess.

But Todd was enjoying it! I mean, even with just my undies still on, oh boy, was he enjoying it or what? Yeah, he was, so I held on for the ride and went for a ride for a while as he pulled me this way and pushed me that way and bounced my small frame every which way, until I noticed the change in his grunts, right? I mean, I said earlier, "there she blows" was building steam. Also, huh, when you put two basically naked humans together at the middle, well, it was getting warm. And steaming. But I wasn't dying, so.